*****103:

It was nine. In the old, old days, the college days, this would have been a work hour. She'd work from nine to one. She wandered around the house, dishes were done, diapers taken out, trash cleaned up, toys put away. No one could accuse her now of not taking care of her children. It had been a good day, an eventful day, but very, very normal....

She ran a hand through her hair and considered watching a movie, sleeping through it. She went to the front window. Lights were on across the way. She suddenly wanted to go over and see the studio, mess around on the piano, try and hear the music....

But she couldn't leave the kids....

And she couldn't call her mom, who was worn out after a day of travel, and the prospect of getting up at the crack of dawn....

She picked up the cell phone. She stared at it. Who could she call?

"Hey, Jake? Tracy."

"Hey Trace, how's it going? How do you like the new place?"

"Love it." She was impatient. "Listen, I fired the nanny, and Mom's tired and we're not in a routine yet. I was wondering if Nancy would consider coming over for a few hours and babysitting while I went over to the studio and worked just a bit.....?"

"We're just sitting here watching TV. The kids have gone over to Nancy's brother's for the night. Why don't we just come and watch at your place?"

"Wow! That's an awesome idea. Would you?" she was relieved and grateful at the same time.

A few minutes later a knock sounded on the door and Jake ushered his wife inside and after a few brief baby instructions and thankful platitudes, Tracy walked calmly across to the studio and opened the front door.

None of these condos were any different. Small living room, kitchen space, back patio, one room downstairs, and two upstairs. When she opened the door, Greg and Jimmy looked up from a TV program. Pop bottles and pizza boxes littered the counters and tables. They both jumped as she entered.

"Hey, Trace!" they rushed to greet her, falling over the coffee table and racing to hide the trash.

Tracy grinned. "Guys, guys, forget it, I don't care about the trash. Why are you still here?"

"Michael said to stay until one just in case you wanted to hang out." Greg said, running a hand through his spiked hair. Jimmy stretched as well.

"Were you wanting to hang out?" he asked giving her a raised eyebrow look.

She glanced toward the stairs. "I was thinking of messing around on the piano. But I don't really need you guys to.... Unless of course, you wanted to just jam around...."

"You got something to lay down, or you just jamming, angel?" Greg followed her up the stairs and into the first door which was set up now with a complete sound system and the highest technology available. A piano was there, and several guitars, other instruments were visible as well. Tracy went to the piano and sat down.

Her fingers ran over the keys silently, not pressing, not hearing anything at all. A weird sense of darkness invaded what had always been her zone... her music never left her. But it had.....

Greg went to her side and sat backward on the piano bench. "You want company?"

She shook her head.

"We'll just be downstairs then, okay?" he stroked her back and Tracy felt that weird sense of sympathy and hated herself for knowing that it was about to make her crumple again. No more crumpling.....

As Greg and Jimmy left the room she felt once again that sense of darkness. She closed her eyes and let her fingers press into the keyboard. Nothing, just notes, no melody, no thread of song..... just sound.....noise.

She let her mind wander. First the surf.... That had been good.... Calming, quieting..... dark.... But insulated by water, and.....

Then Robin.... She'd had a fight with another person.... A vile person who wanted to exploit her. She was glad to be rid of one viper in the nest.

The walk.... That had been real good, very normal.... Like cleaning and cooking and bathing children.....

Then talking to Austin.... She'd had to come out of the darkness for awhile.... Concentrate on another person that she wanted to care about....

Plans....

Then the shopping.... Very normal, and the visit to Rocks.... Awkward, full of memories and pressure....

And then.... Pictures.....

And then... dinner, Mother.... Plans.... Goals, coalescing into a life picture once again... and she was still here.....

Her fingers stopped pressing. Darkness fell and she felt wearier than ever. She slumped over the piano and cried.

*****