099:

And with those thoughts the bright lights receded, the dream like quality of her surroundings became once again just an indistinct foggy cloud filled beach sky, green grass and people's flowers in Danny's hands.

"Trace?"

"W-why didn't you contact them for two years?" she managed, trying to think hard about what had been said. This was important, her friend needed her to be clear. He was clearly frightened about something.

"It was in the divorce agreement. You see, I was—was --- I was negligent and—and abusive."

"Negligent and a-abusive?" she repeated, feeling the threat of nausea. I said stop it.... You are stronger than this.... It's not your marriage and three kids, it's his.... It's not your negligence and abuse... it's his....

"Trace... when I met you.... Like, right when I met you.... I was coming off a month in rehab.... Yeah, I was trying to get my life in order. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, meeting you changed my life. I have to come clean with you. I have to tell you the truth."

"Is there more?" she croaked and cleared her throat convulsively anticipating the worst, and bracing herself for it. Images of herself with Austin, playing in the snow, playing piano and guitar, kissing on the bed in their flick, all of his comradery, his longing gazes as he realized that she wasn't interested in him the way he wanted her to be interested in him. Being relegated to a brother-sister relationship and finally coming to terms with it. And accepting it. And liking it.

"Maybe.... Not right now." His voice was quiet, shaky.

"Wh-where are your kids now?"

"Well, that's part of the problem. Lisa wants to get custody of them. If- I mean, when we get married, she wants to see them, have them be ours also."

"Well, that's admirable, Austin. So she said yes?"

"Yeah, she said yes, but she wants to talk to you, since you and I were so close, and she saw you in my home last week, and she thinks, or thought that maybe...." He took a deep breath and blew it out. "Well, I had to tell you before she did. I wanted you to know from me, so that you weren't shocked when she breaks the news to you."

"Who, Lisa? Is she going to break the news to me?"

"I- I think so."

"I see." She said, but she wasn't sure she did see. She wanted to be back at the condo right now, maybe under some covers.... Hiding... but that wasn't real life, was it? Real life intruded when you least expected it. At least nobody had died....

She felt a weird sense of tears again, and Casey's face swam before her, then Jet's, then Raine's....and the tears slipped out.

Anger coursed through her in a hot wave of frustration and shame. Why the tears all the time? This was getting annoying, they interfered in everything she did. She couldn't even have a conversation without feeling the pressure of their presence.

"So---." She tried to swipe at them, change the subject. "So, you have a family. What about the mom? Is she going to just let Lisa and you take her kids away?"

"Well, that's actually not that hard. She's not the best mom."

"Not the best mom." Tracy repeated, hearing those words coming from Lisa directed at her recently, anger and fresh tears came again. Control it, Tracy, she told herself firmly. This is Austin, your best friend, or one of your best friends, you can't just throw his concerns away. He's come to you for help and....advice... and if you want to have a life at all, you have to keep your friends....

"I met her when we were in New Mexico filming. She was at a bar. She was...yeah, something of a crack..." He took a breath. "I can't say it. It shows a real lack in my character that I abandoned her after...."

"I guess I should probably know all of it." She managed, picturing this crack whore girl he "married". What the heck?

"You're on a walk with the kids, though. Maybe this should wait till another time."

"Where are you?"

"In Park City."

"Is Lisa with you?"

"She's asleep."

"Well, wait a minute....are you guys there alone? And you're engaged, and you want to be married in the temple? You shouldn't be alone there, Austin."

"I know all that. Her sister is here too."

"Well, were you spending the whole weekend there?"

"Yeah, but we have to be back to LA Monday."

"When is she going to call me?"

"I don't know."

"Okay, well, this would be better...." The old Tracy, the decisive one, was taking control, and it felt good. "When she calls, I'll tell her that lunch in person would be better, and we'll set up a time. But, before that, you and I can get together, maybe at my place here in HB. In person, and finish this conversation."

She heard his huge sigh of relief. "Yeah, yeah, that's the best. How did you get to be so smart?"

"Years of training." She quipped, feeling better, and keeping the images and the tears at bay.

"Okay, I'll have her call you, and you guys set something up for Tuesday or Wednesday. That'll give me time to get to HB and visit with you about all this. By the way, how are you feeling? Still sleepy?"

Tracy felt a wave of it wash over her, but balanced on one foot for a second, focusing on her hands on the stroller handle. Her eyes blurred for a second with tears of self-pity, but she shook her head, clearing it, and jerked up to focus on Danny, walking on a ledge ahead of her, the wagon abandoned, and the chipmunk on the closest tree his new target.

"I'm good." She said in her most convincing brave voice. "It was just a lapse, last week, it was nothing."

"You sure? I worry about you."

"Well, it sounds like you need to worry about you." She said and forced a small chuckle. He said goodbye and clicked off, and Tracy called to Danny not to chase the chipmunk and turned the stroller around. It was starting to sprinkle, and she didn't want to be accused of being a bad mom for having the kids out in the rain.

****