098:

Tracy sat down at the kitchen table and let her body relax. "A little tense." She stated flatly, eyeing the dawn in resigned anticipation. There was a darkness inside her, and in the relative outer darkness it didn't seem so formidable. But in the light of day, there was a stark contrast that made her aware of her problems.

"Greg's still in So Cal. You want to download later?"

"Yeah, maybe that would be good."

"Really?" There was a certain amount of astonishment in his tone that made her laugh.

"Since when have you known me to wallow in my self-pity, Michael?"

"Oh, no, you don't wallow. I saw a sort of wallowing a few days ago in Park City, but it went deep inside when you realized yesterday that this is real, and that if you don't put on the smile and proclaim the image at least outwardly, others will notice."

"Did notice." She corrected, running a hand through her hair mechanically, warding off the unseen darkness. A whimpering cry from up the stairs alerted her to approaching responsibilities. "I've gotta go." She said abruptly.

"Have a good day, angel." He clicked off and Tracy stripped out of her wetsuit, tossing it out the back sliding glass door onto the porch to dry. She saw the wet trail she'd left all over the new carpet and was ashamed. In her underwear and T-shirt, she mounted the stairs and went to retrieve the little missy, and she smiled as she did, thinking that she had just used Michael's nickname to address her daughter's in her mind. They were all little Missy's in that sense.

***

Hours later, the fog lifted and Danny, dressed and ready for the day pulled the little tikes wagon he'd found in the gated back porch area as Tracy bundled the twins into the double stroller also provided and they went for a walk. There was an inner bike path, or jogging path along the outskirts of the golf course that gave them a view of the course, the ponds, the trees, the landscapes and the ducks. Danny picked up rocks and bricks, and bits of twigs and leaves, wet and frosty from the dew. The twins, quiet and subdued, having been bathed and fed, stared out of their blanket nest at the top of the canopy above them.

The cell phone chirped. "Hello?" she hadn't looked to see who it was.

"Hey, how's it going?" It was Austin.

Tracy felt a wave of acute shame course through her. She hadn't talked to him in the few days since she'd left his house, and since he'd found her in such a pitiful mess. "Good. I'm really doing good. How are you?" She sounded mechanical, but she knew, mechanical was better than the alternative.

"Not so good." He said. "But—." His voice perked up hopefully. "I'm glad to hear you sounding more like yourself. You go first. Tell me what's been going on. I feel bad I haven't got to talk to you since the other day."

"Yeah. Oh, well, it's all good." She said, not wanting to go into everything she was feeling, but also wanting to reassure him, so that he wouldn't hire a private detective or security firm to look after her. "Michael got this awesome place for us, a condo, in a great little community. We're actually on a walk right now, on the golf course."

"Seriously? That's great. So, you're feeling...."

"Totally a million times better." She said, and felt better for saying it, even though a while ago she'd felt the sleepiness threaten, and sometimes thoughts made her feel like crying. "Why are you not so good?"

"Well, I asked Lisa to marry me." he said.

Tracy stopped walking, wondering what would have made him call her then and say that things were not so good. Had Lisa rejected him?

"And I told her something that I've never told anyone."

"Something bad? In your past? Did she not take it well?" Tracy started walking to catch up with Danny who was picking flowers out of somebody's floral baskets.

"Om... it's not terrible, I mean it is, but it's not, it's just.... I have to tell you too."

"You sound very worried, Austin. You don't have to tell me anything, really, nothing. You don't owe me that."

"I care about you, Trace, you're like a little sister to me, and I ignored your cries for help over the last month when you needed me. I feel terrible about that."

"Yeah, but...." She sensed there was something else as well.

"But.... Well, are you sitting down?"

"No." This was reminiscent of Richard's revelations a year ago. Tracy felt a painful clench of her heart. Suddenly and without warning, she felt a longing for Richard that threatened to overwhelm her. Pain seared her, and she had a vision of him on the Seine, a bad day and a good day.... Song washed over her, leaving her whirling and numb. It was gone as quickly as it had come. She took a deep breath. "No, I'm on a walk with the kids, go ahead and tell me, Austin. Whatever it is, it's okay."

"I was married before and I have three sons. They live with their mom in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and I haven't been in contact with them in about two years."

Tracy was completely taken aback, this was not what she expected. Some revelation about drugs and alcohol, or a mistress, or whatever before he joined the church, sure, but suddenly she felt like she didn't even know him at all. She went to take a deeper breath and felt a constriction around her chest unlike anything she'd felt before. She glanced at Danny who seemed to be too far away and felt herself losing it. Wavy bubbles of bright lights tortured the edges of her vision and she realized she was going to pass out. She gripped the stroller tighter and with a pounding clarity, forced herself to focus. A wife, kids.... So what? There were worse things... quit letting everything shock you like this. Who says you have to be shocked? You don't... this is life.... Life happens.... Stop reacting to everything.....

*****