097:

In seconds it was all behind her.... The house, the babysitter, the pain and the loss. A cool analytical flow of music enveloped her. She'd heard this music before, an eerie melody, hauntingly aware, like the huge and powerful beast she harnessed with each swelling wave. Familiar. It was the most familiar emotion, and the most primitive one she had ever felt, and in light of her recent discoveries about the current, she realized that the reason she'd never unleashed the current before, was likely because she surfed every day, and the water was a diffuser. Any build that started, was instantly diffused the minute her body hit the waves.

Surfing was an art, as well as a sport. She could either focus on the water, or focus on herself. Either was acceptable. She knew she would have to do this every day. It was imperative for her. Like music.... Like performing.... Like making love.....

A sting of brilliant blue tears washed over her with the spray off a wave behind her. She turned and paddled into it, cresting and taking a faceful accidentally. Making love spoke only of Raine. There wasn't anyone else. What she'd had with Casey... well, hadn't been the same at all. There was a certain amount of using that had gone on with Casey... yeah, he'd been the first, but not because she really understood the impact on her that her lost virtue would mean later in her life. She'd been a child, truly searching for love and acceptance, and he'd been turned on... lust.... That was it.

Partly, she felt him near her out here, in the waves and the water. Casey belonged to the water, Casey was the water to her, his spirit lived here where she'd known him the best. He'd been her teacher, plain and simple, in many, many ways. He taught her to surf. He taught her to perform. He taught her to sing. He taught her to feel the power in a crowd of people and play it. He taught her to kiss. He taught her about sex. He gave her Danny.

Another flood of tears. Danny. She thought about him, home asleep. So provocative, so trusting, so smart. He picked up on stuff so easily, he sensed her moods, remembered her previous feelings, kept tabs on her.... It was weird how he did that, but he was hers, and no one....

Not even a fire....could take him away. She turned and began paddling toward shore. Her heart began to beat wildly. The sun was rising, she'd seen that sun before, days ago, months ago.... Go back, it said, go back before it's too late. She raced across the sand, slipping, falling, grappling insanely, not being able to clear the turf fast enough. Fear, no, panic froze her heart. She had to get home.... Because.... A fire.... Actually, could.... Take him away from her......

She ran headlong up the walkway, her breath catching, her sobs audible now. Gotta get back. A fire.... The fire.... The children.....

She threw open the front door. Robin was asleep on the couch, she sat up blearily as Tracy flung herself, dripping and sandy toward Danny's room. "Danny!" she fell across the floor and tumbled onto the bed, her body freezing and wet. "Danny!"

Robin was at the door. "Tracy, what's wrong? Is something wrong with Danny?"

Tracy's arms found the little boy, she pulled him close, he squirmed and woke out of a dead sleep. "Momma?"

"Danny." Her voice was relieved, and she became aware suddenly of her predicament. Robin stood staring at her aghast. She had just rushed into the house, completely cold and wet, hollering her son's name to beat the band and throwing herself on him when he was asleep. She held him, trembling, shaking like a leaf in the wind. But her mind was focusing. Shit, she thought, this isn't good. I look like I've lost it again.

She sat down, pulled Danny onto her lap and stroked his hair back. "Momma was worried about you." She said softly, her voice as calm and un-shaky as she could force it to be.

"What were you worried about?" Robin asked, her voice confused, but also snide. Tracy knew she was being watched carefully for signs of instability, and she had just proven the need for it. She laid Danny back under his covers.

"I got you all wet." She said, and forced a little laugh. "Sorry, honey. Momma's sorry."

"Do you want to play cars?" Danny asked innocently, patiently unworried about the water mess.

"Yeah, let Momma go shower and change and then I'll fix you some breakfast and we'll play cars." Danny nodded and fell back against his pillows as Tracy kissed his cheek gently and smiled reassuringly at him, stroking that fine reddish hair away from his eyes. "It's okay, son, everything is okay."

"I know it, Momma." She got up and pushed Robin out of the room on her way toward the stairs.

"Thanks for staying, Robin, you can go now. I just needed a little time out on the waves, but it's all good now." She sounded fake and rushed to herself, but she had no choice, she needed to get Robin out of here, she didn't want to be spied on, she could deal with this herself.

"I'm not going anywhere." Robin returned to the couch and wrapped herself in the little blanket she'd brought with her.

Tracy frowned and shook her head. "Everything's okay, Robin. I don't need you to stay any longer. I'm fine."

"You're a basket case, is what you are." She murmured, but Tracy heard her. She turned at the foot of the stairs. She wanted to throw this girl out of her house and out of her life, but a saner side of her told her to be careful... somebody with the right ammunition could easily take her children away from her, if she acted irrationally, or continued to display these emotional outbursts.

"I'm fine. I just wanted to check on him to make sure he was okay, can't a mother check on her own children?" she said calmly, her voice masking the shallow breathing she was doing.

Robin wasn't a bit fooled. "How many mothers do you know that leave their children at four am to go surfing?"

"It's not the surfing, Robin. Plenty of mothers do things early in the morning without their kids. It's a quiet time. Some read, others do crafts, study, have jobs....it's not that unusual. You don't have kids, do you?" She continued at Robin's patient shake of negation. "So, you really don't know what's normal for all mother's, do you?"

"Tracy, don't try and bullshit me. I know weird when I see it, and you're it." She flopped back on the couch again and gazed forthrightly at Tracy's shivering form. "I guess you don't want me to tell anyone about this, do you?"

Realizing a huge error, Tracy stepped away from the stairs. If she tried to cover up what she'd done, this girl would nail her. If she tried to get her to be quiet, she'd nail her again. All she could do was bluster it out. "I don't care who you tell." She said nonchalantly, not feeling it inside.

"Yeah, I bet you do." Robin said mildly, her eyebrows wriggling.

"Get out." Tracy said evenly. "I won't be threatened again." She pointed to the door.

"You aren't my boss." Robin said, and Tracy smiled wanly.

"No, Michael is. You want me to call him?" She picked up the receiver on the phone by the counter.

"No need." Robin said getting off the couch. "He'll find out soon enough." And she sauntered toward the front door.

But Tracy had already pushed the speed dial. "Hi." She said evenly and waited for Michael's response, she knew he never slept at this hour, he was an early, early morning person, if ever there was one. In fact, it was doubtful if Michael ever even slept at all. She put him on speaker-phone.

"Have a nice swim, missy?" Came his booming tenor, obviously in the midst of some project, he managed to sound out of breath.

"I did. A really nice swim, and I came home to check on my kids, and your nanny is giving me shit. I don't think this choice of nannies is going to work out."

"So, you're feeling a little feisty this morning, are you?"

His voice made her feel calmer and more in control of herself, but he still felt like he was running her life. If he backed off now, she might feel better. "I'm feeling a little like a prisoner and your nanny is the warden."

"Tracy, you know there is absolutely no intention---."

"Of making me feel that way, right, Michael? But you forget, I've been on my own a long, long time, most of my life in fact." She eyed Robin carefully, and was a trifle pleased inside to see a touch of concern behind the knowing smirk. "I may not ever be alone, but I have successfully been on my own."

"If you don't like the nanny, we can get another."

"I think I'll be home enough in the next little while to take care of my kids myself. I have mom coming today, to help out when needed also. I don't want a nanny slash warden."

"It's your call, Trace. I was only trying to give you a little stability. Tell me, are you hearing any music?"

It caught her off guard, but she calmly clicked off speaker phone as Robin exited and shut the door. "No. Not the way you mean. I heard the waves music when I was out there."

"That's not music. You've shown it to me before." He said swiftly. "Your nanny left didn't she?"

"Yeah, she was bugging me, all that smirky business, as if she wasn't here to help, but to report on me."

"Okay, so no nanny. How are you feeling?"

*****