093:

Austin and Lisa unlocked the front door and let themselves in.

"Tracy?" Austin called. There was no answer, but they could hear the TV blaring and babies crying,  the stairs were full of toys and baby blankets and other messy things. Slightly chagrined, Austin took Lisa's hand and pulled her up the stairs.

The top of the stairs looked like a cyclone had hit. One baby travel bed was in the hall, inside it was a plastic trash bag that stunk like diapers. He turned to the left, into the living room, where the most noise came from.

Danny was under the kitchen table, ramming little Tonka trucks into an overturned chair. The table was covered in blankets. One twin was on the floor on a quilt, waving little arms and kicking little feet in anger at something. The other was lying on her mother's stomach asleep, as was her mother. On the couch.

Austin took it all in. The place was a mess. Trash overflowed the garbage bins, food was everywhere, the place stunk like rotten food and baby diapers. Toys and clothes and junk were everywhere.

He went to the couch and shook Tracy. "What's all this?" he demanded.

She barely opened her eyes. And when she did, it was simply to readjust the baby and then turn slightly away from him.

Danny heard though. He jumped up and ran to Austin grabbing his hand. "Want to see my fort? Come here, Austin, come and see my fort."

"This is sick." Lisa announced peeling a wet baby sleeper off the back of the  couch. She held a dirty blanket up by two tips of her fingers.

"I know. It isn't like Tracy at all." he was being urged over to the table reluctantly. "Tracy, what'sup?"

She didn't answer.

"Didn't you just talk to her?" Lisa bent over the screaming baby on the floor and picked her up. "She's soaked." She cried.

"Yeah, a couple of days ago. I thought she sounded okay."

"Tracy, wake up." Lisa demanded. Tracy stirred and raised a hand as if to ward off the intrusion.

"What's wrong with her?" Lisa worried.

Austin disentangled himself from Danny. "In a minute, pal. I need to see what's wrong with Mommy."

"She's sleeping." Danny said. "There's cereal if you want to eat." He indicated the kitchen counters and the refrigerator where it was obvious the four-year old had been getting his own meals.

Austin knelt by the couch and smoothed back Tracy's hair, she was hot, very hot, that same electrical hot he'd come to associate with touching her. She was on a build. He felt the current of its own volition suddenly turn and race toward him. It was shocking, almost painful.

"She's.... really hot." He managed.

Lisa felt Tracy's skin and then backed away. "She's burning up. I feel like l got shocked just touching her. Is she sick? We need to get her to a hospital."

"I wish Richard were here." Austin said, concentrating on diffusing the build.

"Why? Isn't Richard on his mission? Didn't he leave like a week ago?"

"Yeah, but he's better at diffusing her than I am." He looked up at her worried expression. "Don't worry, it's just a little 'thing' Tracy has that Richard is better equipped to help her with. Tough to explain, and not really necessary." They had an agreement not to discuss Tracy's handicap with anyone, even their closest friends.

Tracy started to thrash her head and the baby woke up slowly and began to wail. Tracy's shirt was actually up, and the baby had been sleeping against a bare breast. Austin, who had not seen her nurse, managed to cover her as the baby flailed. He sat back on his heels.

"Lisa. Can you call Michael Gage? It's in my book on the counter if you can find it. Tell him I need him to come here. He lives here in Salt Lake."

In a few minutes, Lisa had Michael on the phone with Austin and he was explaining what they had found. "When was the last time you talked to her?"

"The day Richard went into the MTC." Michael said promptly. "She told me then, she was staying in Park City for a few weeks, and she wouldn't be recording."

"Well, I need you and a housecleaning crew to come here. Something is wrong."

"I gather that. Okay, I'll make arrangements." He clicked off and Austin stood looking around at the cereal on the floor, the spilled milk, and juice, the dried oatmeal, the fingerprints on the windows.

Lisa urged Tracy to sit up, covering her with the fallen blanket and handing her the other baby.

Tracy swayed dizzily. Austin was sitting at the desk now watching. "Trace, how long since you cleaned up around here?"

Tracy looked around blearily. She still didn't seem focused, and Austin felt a wave of remorse for having left her alone all this time. But she'd sounded fine to him, as if she was taking a break, and under the circumstances, a break seemed reasonable.

With a practiced gesture, Tracy lifted her shirt and the baby latched on. She focused on Austin. He'd never seen her look so bad. No make-up, her hair pulled back in a very straggly messy bun, her clothes rumpled and dirty, she smelled of baby milk and urine.

Danny was back to the table now. "She needs to sleep."

''How long has she been sleeping?" Austin asked.

"I don't know." He seemed confused.

"Do you go to bed in your bed?"

Danny pointed. ''This is my bed. I sleep under the table."

Lisa shook her head. "This is crazy. If she's not capable of taking care of these children then they should be taken away from her. Good Grief, Austin, this place isn't fit."

"Shut up." Tracy said dully from her corner of the couch. Her legs were crossed, her arm propped against the side, and her head seemed to roll a little listlessly. "You're not taking my kids."

"Nobody is really going to take them, but you aren't taking care of them." Lisa said and sat in the chair beside Tracy's couch. "This place is a pig sty, and the kids are obviously being neglected."

"Make her shut up." Tracy whispered to Austin, who was staring around him, thinking.

This was grief... he thought, terrible in its ugliness. He shook his head.

"Don't say it, honey." He said to Lisa, his eyes focusing once again on her. "She's just under some stress."

"Stress?" Lisa looked around. "Some manifestation of stress."

"Lisa, I like you, but shut up." Tracy had a hand to her head as if just listening to her hurt.

"Don't tell me to shut up. You shouldn't be here if you can't take care...."

''Where's the church? Where's the Relief Society? Where was I?" Austin mumbled and came to sit on the couch beside Tracy's feet. "Honey, I'm sorry." He said. Lisa's eyes grew round at his soft voice and his lack of hostility. In her mind, Tracy had abused the privilege of being a guest. She needed to buck up or leave, she wasn't Austin's problem.

Tracy had tears in her eyes and they ran down her face. "I'm just tired, Austin."

"Yeah, I can see that." He said gently. "Michael's coming. Hang on, okay?"

Michael did come and brought his wife and two daughters. Janene Gage was the epitome of Relief Society and had the local church authorities on their way immediately, no one had even known Tracy was there. In no time, the babies were bathed and dressed in clean clothes, laundry was being done, the trash was taken out, groceries were brought in and the house thoroughly cleaned. Michael sat before Tracy, who lay comfortably showered on her bed downstairs.

"Babe, I've known you almost half your life. I know the situation you find yourself in, maybe better than anyone. So, what I'm going to tell you now is for your own good." He shook his big curly brown head with his astute eyes boring into hers. "You need to get out of here. Go to the beach house for the time being until you can finalize the purchase of the house next door and make your home base either in So Cal or here in Utah. I don't care which. But these people are your friends, and even in understandable grief, you have pushed the limits of friendship."

She nodded as if his words were actually penetrating.

"I think you feel lost. I 'd like to recommend you get the house next door up and running, or again, the house you and Casey bought a long time ago at the beach. The house over by Casey's mom's, you still have that house. It's a place to base yourself. Close to the beach. You love the beach."

Tracy rolled her face away from him. "I just don't have the energy to move. My brain doesn't want to work."

"Well, we'll have to take care of that." Michael said gently.

"I'm so....Alone. It's like, I have nowhere to go and I have all these......

"Responsibilities ." He supplied and ran a hand through his hair pragmatically. "Yeah, the beds we make...."

"What should I do?"

"The house here is clean, the things you've used have been replaced. Go to Huntington. It's yours. Hire a nanny."

"I had a nanny."

"I know. But we can hire another one. That would be the best."

"For me or for the kids?"

Michael smiled. "For both."

"You're saying I'm the one that needs the nanny."

He laughed. "What I really think, and this is just your old friend Michael talking, I think you need to get out on your own a little. You had a place and you were working on making it home. Obviously,  you can't go back there, but you were on the right track. It was a good plan. So, you'll have to start over with it. I would start by going someplace where you are still your own girl. Like I said. I will help you hire a nanny, and a housekeeper, a cook, whatever it takes. You go to church go to work, take care of your kids, be a normal person. I think you should go back to school. If not BYU, then another school. There are schools in So Cal, good ones, Fullerton is close, San Diego."

She sighed. "Michael, you always know the right thing to do. I feel like... I don't know...."

"Well. It's here."' He pointed to her heart,  "Your heart is sore. It's okay, though. We'll get you some help."

"Can you get me to Huntington? I hate that house that Casey bought."

"Right, so we'll get you another."

"Right away? I don't want to go to Casey's place."

"It's your place too."

"I hate it. Bad taste in your mouth."

Michael sighed. "Okay, I'll get you a house. I've got some friends in real estate, we'll give them a call, but you'll have to just take my word for it. All right? What I get goes for now till you're back on your feet.''

"Okay." She looked up at him gratefully, too weak to even think.

He slapped his thighs. "Well, we've worn out our welcome here. Let me and Janene get this ball rolling.

"Should I go to my dad's?" she tried to sit up.

"No. Let's see if we can handle this from here. Your dad just got back to his busy schedule. He's a very busy man in his own right, hon. But maybe your mom ..."

"Mom just went back to England too."

Michael nodded. "She's what? A secretary? Maybe we can offer her a job."

"Live in mother?"

"Sounds good to me."

*****