187:

"Now, tell me quick before you get off the phone and send me a picture of... Kylie, what else are you up to? How was the film?"

She caught her breath. Did he really want to know it all? 

"Om, well, then before I get off the phone, I guess now would be as good a time as any to tell you... there are a few things. We wrapped the film, but I had to come home originally because my brother Ty committed suicide, and my—my mother, my adopted mother, Ruth, when she found out about it, killed herself too."

She heard Richard's softly indrawn shock, and closed her eyes, biting her lip.  I came home to have two funerals. 

"But then Lisa called to say that she and Austin got married and her sister was going to watch the boys for a month and she can't for some reason, so I'm going to."

She clasped her hand over her lips, feeling a trembling that hadn't been there before. Her legs pumped the rocker a little faster in agitation.

"And then I found out about Kylie being born, so I came here first. There are two very persistent actors downstairs waiting for me, all freaked out, thinking I can't handle this alone, but I feel really calm, Richard. I know I am fine. Kylie checks out just fine. Now that she's nursed, and all, I'm going to take her home to Kirk and Coral's and pick up all my kids, Danny, Megan, Melia, Steven, Kelly and Chris, and we'll go see Sam, I think he's made it to San Diego. I should touch base with him before he really freaks out."

Richard wasn't laughing. The mention of Austin and Lisa's babysitting woes brought a tang of annoyance. The desire to tell her what to do was strong. 

"It would be better for me to just stick to the mission right now. You're making me dizzy with all your plans. Start over: So somebody you know died, and you have to plan a funeral, and you're watching Austin's kids again, why?"

She felt a small catch in her throat, she didn't want to say it again, she was too vulnerable with him, his voice too concerned, too familiar.

She pursed her lips and screwed up her nose, but the words came again, slower this time. "My brother died, Richard, my little brother."

She heard his tight gasp and felt her throat clench, but his words were not sympathetic. "I didn't know you had a little brother."

"My mom, Ruth, and dad, had two boys naturally after they had me."

"You've mentioned Ruth before—and Jerry, right? You're estranged from them, isn't that right? Why are they calling you?"

Her voice was tight. "I'm still family. They adopted me. I can't completely forget them."

He shook himself and cleared his throat. "No, no, of course not. I'm not saying you should, just wondered where the rest of the family is."

"They can't handle this alone, Richard. It's too much. There's only Sam."

"Are you okay? Who is Sam?"

"My other brother."

There was a long breathless pause, full of anxiety on Tracy's part and authority on Richard's. 

"Tracy, I think I need to be there..." His voice was completely devoid of emotion, and full of authority at the same time, and she remembered the way Raine had become a part of her life in that same way. 

Stewardship. 

She swallowed hard, choking back the sobs for her brother, her past, her mother... "This has the potential to be a serious building event."

"I c- called my... I called Lorraine, she's coming, and I won't be alone for long, just a little while tonight. And Ray and Shanna are coming too."

He switched thoughts abruptly. "How could Austin put this on you when you have so much else right now?" He said in a measured tone as he digested all she had said and fit the ramifications together in typical Richard fashion beginning to sort out what needed to be done. He wasn't as used to the independent person she had become, but was more used to the dependence she was unconsciously giving him. 

He wasn't sure where his responsibility lay. And he was tremendously aware that he still had three months before this particular responsibility hit him. He thought he should call the mission president. This was a special and unique circumstance.

"I didn't tell Austin. He hasn't let me see the boys very much, so I jumped at the chance to spend a little time with them."

He would have reminded her that they weren't her boys, but then, he reminded himself that this was Tracy. That should say it all. Of course, she hadn't told Austin. 

"So, are you okay with Austin?"

"No, the last time we spoke was a fight, and I really have bad feelings for Lisa, but the boys are just the boys, and I love them. I guess they wanted to stay with me more than Lisa's sister, or something, and since Austin essentially has no one else..."

His mind was still reeling. "Trace, I can take a short leave of absence—maybe—you know..."

"No, Richard. That's very thoughtful, and you—you have every right to feel that way. I mean—." he heard her choked sob and was instantly concerned, rubbing his hand over his eyes, he felt the welling of his own tears.

"Trace, this might seriously be more than even you can handle."

Her hesitation caught him in another swiping of tears. Family dead? A brand new infant to care for? 

But her voice was strong, "Hey, baby." She said, calling him something other than Elder or Richard, solidifying their intimate connection in a very unexpected way. 

His heartbeat accelerated.

"Yeah?"

He heard her blow out her breath. "I need you—"

He drew in his breath sharply to assure her he could be there in just a few hours.

She cut him off. "Richard, I need you to stay strong, out there—in the mission field, doing what you are supposed to be doing. This is for us, for all of us—for our family Richard! You are doing the Lord's will, you are blessing our future...." He could hear the quiet rattling sobs and was undone—his fingers dug into the grass at his side.

"Trace—I ---."

"It's the way it needs to be. You have to finish your mission honorably and be that example for our boys. If you come here now, Richard, you won't go back. It's that simple."

"I really could be there..."

"No!" Her word was forceful and exasperated and he sensed her slipping control. He wasn't helping by offering something she didn't want. One more thing to worry about. "I love you too much!" 

She was sniffing back more tears making his drop freely on his pant leg, he covered his eyes with his hand and gripped the phone even tighter.

Her logic was....generous. It was an interesting part of her. He'd never even fathomed a life with someone like her.... But without a doubt, she was his, all his, and all that came with her was his as well.

"I need to go." She said softly, wanting to share more with him, but knowing she had to end this for both of their good.

Richard was looking at his uneaten Big Mac, cold and congealing, dripping lettuce and special sauce. His eyes met Anders. They stared at each other intently. What could he say now?

"Yeah." He answered. "It'll be okay."

He sniffed, wiped his arm on his pants and set the hamburger down on the grass in defeat. He knew she was right, but this had been the hardest of all her calls.

Tracy wanted to hear him repeat the reassurance she'd heard their last conversation but knew instinctively that he couldn't speak freely. She was disappointed. "Will you be okay?"

"Oh, absolutely. You send me that picture right now."

"I will, Richard. I just wanted you to know."

"Thanks, baby, it means a lot to me. I'm glad I got to talk to her. You—you can wait to bless her till I get home, okay? I- I want to be the one--- to bless her."

Tracy's heart skipped a beat. She could hear that Richard was getting emotional, maybe even crying and the thought of it made her cry. The last time they had cried together had been when Raine died. She was grieving, he was trying to save her...

I love you, he'd said, hold on to that.

"I'll wait, Richard. I know you can't say the words, but I need to, okay? I love you, Richard, hold on to that. These next three months, just hold on to that."

"Yeah." He said in relief. "You too, hold on to that."

****