089:

A compassionate and concise nurse came to the media secure waiting area and addressed Julian first. "Tracy is in shock, but has not suffered any degree of smoke inhalation. The children are being treated for mild smoke inhalation, and have all received oxygen. Daniel had a chest x-ray. His sinuses are mildly swollen, and we would like to keep him a few hours. Tracy is ready to see you Julian. Since they are in the ICU at the moment, just one visitor at a time. Tracy will be released very soon, but I suggest we get her a sedative and take her to a secure spot for the day. I'm sure you are all aware of the need for a strong support system." Her eyes rose to check that indeed they all understood their roles.

Bridget squeezed Julian's arm.

"Is she aware of the extent of her losses?" Julian glanced up at the nurse after staring at the floor for a moment to catch his bearings.

"Tracy is disoriented and has been given a mild sedative and IV fluids. She is otherwise unhurt, and we've called in the hospital grief counselor to explain things to her. The children are in the room with her."

Julian's eyes rose to Richard's and Michael's. They both nodded at him, Michael reached out and clapped him on the shoulder.

Julian followed the nurse.

Tracy was in a room with the children, another nurse, and the grief counselor. She was still dressed in dirty, soot covered gray sweats and a loose ARMY sweat shirt, obviously previously belonging to Raine. Danny was on the bed, playing with some big Lego blocks, and the babies were back in incubators receiving oxygen. Danny had tubes in his nose, and was hooked to a tank. Tracy randomly stroked his hair while she listened to whatever the grief counselor was saying. Julian stopped in the doorway, taking a deep breath.

Her eyes flicked to his, and her shaking hand rose to cover her mouth as she pushed away from Danny's bed and stumbled into Jules' arms. He wrapped her tightly, molding her to him as if to draw her into his body. He hunched his shoulders, shaking with her shaking, trembling with her trembling, sobbing with her sobs.

There wasn't anything to say.

Her whimpers of pain, as she shook against him, caused that rush of desolate hopelessness he'd felt when Casey died to be renewed. He rocked her, feeling her foot against his, her scraping against his leg, and knew she really was trying to climb inside, away from the pain. Danny started crying, and reached for Tracy.

She turned instantly, falling back to her own space, reaching for him, soothing him, explaining that he needed to breathe the special air they were giving him.

"In my nose." Danny fingered the tubes looking up at Julian.

"Hey, Little Man. You've got tubes in your nose."

"Cause my house caught on fire." Danny swiveled as children do and pointed to the twins in their incubator's, now sleeping peacefully. "Raine threw them out the window and Momma caught them, so the fire didn't get them, but not my brother. The fire got my brother."

Julian's hand rose to cover his mouth and wipe his eyes as he leaned on the bed and hugged Danny close. "What are you building, my friend?"

Danny went on to explain what he was building, nothing really making sense in his four year old mind yet. Tracy walked to the window near the two crowded incubators, and with a hand on her hip, and a hand on her forehead, looked out at the hustle and bustle of down town Mission Viejo. Life went on. Few if any of these people knew what had happened to them today. Few if any had ever suffered this kind of loss. She knew she'd never seen a house burn down, never even been that close to flames of that magnitude, seen the fire racing and dipping, ferocious and insatiable. The smoke billowing, the darkness and the creaking.

"Is Michael here?" She turned and looked at Julian, interrupting the grief counselor who she couldn't concentrate on even if she'd wanted to. She'd heard this part before.

Julian nodded.

"I don't know where to stay? Kirk and Coral's? I just wish my room wasn't upstairs--- their stairs are so narrow. I'll always be carrying babies, oh, never mind, I'll just stay there."

"I would offer my and Bridget's apartment, but Austin's place is far more user friendly for you and the kids, and you're all familiar with it, you've stayed there before. Or you can go up to Park City, pretty sure you have all your stuff there."

"I have stuff at Austin's." She said wearily. "Maybe that would be better. Do I have a car still?"

"You actually have the garages and the security apartment. You could kick the guys out and go live there."

"I'm never going back there."

"Okay." He shuffled over to her, looking at the sleeping babies. "Go to Austin's. It'll be okay for a few weeks, till you get settled."

"I'm never getting settled."

"Okay." She looked out the window again. "Look at them-- minding their own business, going about their lives. Look at me. My life just stopped. I got up, went jogging like usual, and then-- my life just--stopped."

"I'm here, baby. I'm here. Bridget is waiting for you, Richard is here. Michael. We're all here for you. We aren't going anywhere."

"I know." She said with a sigh, and turned away from the window, leaning against it, biting her lips. She slowly shook her head from side to side, her hair tangling over her shoulders. "He lowered Danny out the window, our bedroom window. He had to break the window. Fresh paint must have caused it to stick. I know I haven't had it open. We keep the air conditioner on all the time." She shrugged, clapping a hand over her mouth, as her eyes welled up. "I need Richard." She motioned with her hand. "Not like-- you know. I don't need Richard, he's not my-- anything. But he can get rid of this stupid shitty current."

The last words were said with vehemence-- one at a time. Not strung together. Each one telling a story. Stupid. Shitty. Current.

Jules nodded. "I'll get him."

"No-- you stay. Would you be so kind as to bring Richard Mann to me? He is in the waiting room." She turned to the nurse.

"I'm sorry, this is ICU, we can't have more than--"

"Well, I can't leave my children, and I have a medical condition that ----." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Get Richard."

Julian nodded quickly and started to depart.

"Jules. Just stay there. How hard can this be? I'm having a migraine. It's self-induced, and stress induced and-- Richard is right out there. Just have the nurse get Richard."

The nurse wasn't moving, the grief counselor however had backed to the door. Danny threw his blocks on the floor and tried to get up. Tracy didn't move from the window.

She smiled and drew in a deep breath. "I don't cuss-- much-- really. That should be an indicator to you just how unstable I am. I took out my own IV a few minutes ago, and refused the sedative. Would you.... Please get me Richard Mann? If you can't do it, would you find someone who can?"

Julian bit his lips. "She's on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Can you just humor her?" He started to walk to Tracy and tried to take her in her arms, but she shoved him away, her eyebrows raised and staring at the nurse.

"If this is a contest of wills, I will win." She went to the incubators and started to lift the lids. "I swear, I'm leaving. I'm leaving! Get me out of here! I'm leaving!" She had just about lifted the lids when Richard appeared in the doorway. He pushed past the nurse and the grief counselor and took a deep breath filling the room with his presence.

"Take my hand, Tracy." He said calmly.

She whirled, seeing him, and grabbed the outstretched hand and held it tightly, looking calmly into his warm dark eyes.

She nodded in tiny jerks, holding his wrist. "Nobody knows what this is like. What it's like to feel my lip tingle from his nursing on it. I can still feel him in my arms last night when I kissed him goodnight. I can see him standing in his crib, calling to me, in his little baby voice, ma-- ma--. He can't even talk yet..."

Tears squeezed out the corners of her eyes. "Yesterday he was crawling up the stairs and Danny was at the top, oh how he wanted to do whatever Danny was doing.... Come here, Stevie, Come here! I can see his chubby little hand holding onto his little car. He wouldn't let that thing go. I can see him hanging onto my table, with the stereo on, standing there, balancing, bouncing to the Beach Boys. We went down to the water, and he was eating sand at the beach. There was sand in his diaper. I can see him in the bath...." Her arms were clenched across her chest now as if she were holding the little body that wasn't there.

Richard stood there, his eyes filled but not overflowing, so that she was a blurry little blob in front of him. He held her shaking hand.

"Sir." Someone said behind them, and Richard just stood there. "Sir." A throat cleared.

Tracy stepped close, her hands dropped to her sides, she shook her head. "This isn't real. It can't be happening. I can't do this."

"I know." Richard said softly.

"Sir." The voice behind him insisted.

"Trace, we're here. Jules is here. Bridget too."

"I want Raine, and Steven." Her lips trembled and she looked up at him beseechingly. "I can't do this."

*****