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There was fog on top of the mountain, higher up, and it was hard to see. Ski patrol had already been there to warn them. Richard got off the lift and asked if Tracy was still game to take the hardest challenge run on the hill, she agreed and he took off out of sight.

Tracy watched him go, watched until his retreating back in the fog was nothing but a black blur. She wanted to be alone. Breakfast was a nuance hours ago. They'd been skiing all morning and now it was past noon. She was tired and restless, the exercise hadn't done the trick this time, and she still felt the headache, the tightness across her shoulders, the mind-soreness and confusion had set in. She skied slowly, watching for markers.

Oh, how she missed Raine. She missed the steady way he spoke, with authority, and conviction. The way he explained the gospel to her-- she was still a novice, not understanding as much about it as she could. She missed his looks, the knowing ones, the exciting ones. She missed his laughter. He had such a wry sense of humor, startling in its frequency. She missed his observations. He could be so astute, not just about her, but about others. He grasped people's thoughts better than they did.

I want to be a good person. I have a true desire to overcome my selfish tendencies when I'm with him. He makes me want to try harder. He is a good example to me. I want to have that strong faith.

Her life felt like it was in limbo.

Relationships were out of control, people were demanding, and she felt like she didn't know them all well enough. Plans she made were moving too fast as well. Her body and mind were changing too fast. She felt like she was clinging to a rock in the stream now, a stream with an ever-increasing current, that threatened to send her tossing helplessly down its raging rapids, bouncing like a rag doll against sharp and slippery rocks-- completely saturated.

She needed to step back.

It seemed she was forever reevaluating.

She slowly slid to a stop.

Ahead, a clump of trees swirled in the fog. Markers and ski patrol were there, bending over something black on the snow, black and down. Moaning.

She approached warily.

What she saw made her heart clench.

Richard.

"Ski patrol." Said one of the emergency paramedics that took care of accidents on the hill. "Stay out of the way ma'am."

"He's my friend." Tracy cried, as she pushed her way to the front of the stretcher, where they were getting ready to lift him.

"Thanks for that." Richard's voice was still strong, but the pain that filled it was unmistakable.

She grabbed his hand. "What happened?"

"Tree. Trail. Jumped, too fast. What do you think?"

"You're an idiot. You take risks." She mocked him, but her fingers stroking his belied her concern. "Is it your leg?"

"Yeah." They jostled him onto the stretcher and he winced, she could see how pale he was.

"I'm coming with you."

"You don't have to."

"Oh, you think Tambourina Flower's gonna? I said I'm coming." Her eyes caught his and held them. She backed away as the snowmobile started it's slow descent. She followed as fast as she dared.

Once in the ER, Richard was taken away for x-rays and she and Austin waited in the lobby together, fending off reporters.

"Iris is going home." Austin said.

"And your Sabrina? What's she doing?"

"Well, weekend's over. She was pissed because of the missionary discussion planned for later anyway. This is gonna set us back in production." He looked stressed and weary.

"It doesn't have to. Look, give me the schedule. It'll just take a little rearranging. I can do it for you. I don't mind. I don't sleep anymore anyway, and I've got the script memorized, basically. It was hard, practicing one line at a time about a gazillion times, but I'm feeling pretty confident about it. Let me help you with the schedule."

"We'll have to change the filming dates, move his stuff to the end. That'll give you less time with the throat singing specialist and more time early on, in Alaska."

She shrugged. "I can chop trees with the best of them."

"Oh, he told you about our grandiose ideas for cabins in the woods and family reunions?" Austin chuckled, resting his arm along the back of the chair she sat in. "Well, that's a pipe dream for sure."

"Don't be silly, it can be done, and it's a remarkable idea. I want to be part of it."

He squeezed her absently. "I wouldn't mind that at all."

A nurse came in and told them they could see Richard a few minutes before surgery--- his leg would have to be pinned. Recovery time was apt to be in the months not the weeks. Austin was critically flabbergasted, and when he saw Richard, he gave him brotherly hell.

Then he said he had to go make arrangements. Tracy decided to stay.

"Break a leg?" She asked Richard now sporting an IV for pain medication.

"What was your first clue?" His voice was tired, loopy. He looked a lot smaller in his hospital gown.

"Racing down the hardest run on the hill like a bat out of hell?" She laughed, taking his hand again, she felt her current rush into him. "Oooops, sorry!"

He pulled her close. "Don't let go." He begged, his once chocolate caramel eyes sparkling with interest had now turned inward. "Please don't let go."

"You're reacting to your pain meds." She said softly. "Richard, are there residual drugs in your system? Did you let them know you use?"

"No," He shook his head, grimacing. "Don't say anything. I'll get through it."

"Of course I'm saying something. They have to know. What'd you take? How much? When?"

He told her and she left to tell the nurses. When she came back they had already wheeled him away, and two young Elders from the church were walking down the hallway toward her. She explained what had happened and they offered to stay and give him a blessing, so she told the nurses the missionaries were there to give Richard a blessing before the surgery, and they were taken back.

She sat down, her head in her hands. He would need a place to stay, somewhere he could be taken care of. He'd have to have a nurse, and then--- she could take care of him when she wasn't working. It was close to the initial filming location, and when she called Austin to bring her the script and schedule, he told her that idea was a good one. He would help her as much as possible, while also picking up Richard's previous duties.

An hour and a half later, nurses came through the swinging yellow doors and told her he was out of surgery and awake. So she followed them back to recovery, down identical hallways with crisp clean paneled doors. They'd done well to hide the antiseptic smells.

The nurse told her he was reacting badly to the pain medication, even adjusting for the cocaine in him. So, they expected she couldn't stay.

He was flat on his back when she entered the room, she pursed her lips and they trembled when she saw him. She took his limp hand and brought it unerringly to her lips. He barely acknowledged it. "Hurts." He moaned.

"I'm here, Richard, just be still."

His eyes opened, glazed and rolling. She glanced behind her surreptitiously,  and then pulled essential oils from her purse. They were in teeny bottles marked with what they were for. The room was darker, the blinds had been pulled, so she pulled the curtain surrounding the bed, and opened the first, Lavender oil, and gently rubbed two drops carefully into the skin behind his ears. She'd used Clary Sage for Julian's muscle aches and pains, and it had helped relieve the toxic inflammation in his joints from withdrawals. Peppermint for his head, and feet. Juniper on the backs of his knee, eucalyptus on his stomach. He smelled like a thrashing, moaning garden. Then she said a quick prayer and stuck a pill in his mouth, and leaned his head up to give him water.

He swallowed it, coming to, long enough to see her there, glancing around nervously.

"How long has it been Richard? How long since you last..... shot up?" She could see the track marks now.

"Today." He said.

"Before we went skiing?" She was taken aback. He didn't seem high, he must have hidden it well. She could always tell when Jules was high.

He nodded, closing his eyes. "I'm gonna be sick."

"I know."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm gonna help you get it out of your system."

"It's in my blood, not my stomach."

"I know. But this will help."

He gagged, she held the banana boat. He threw up, she cleaned him up.

"Shit, Trace, I don't want you to see me like this."

"Umhm. Well, get used to it, I'm going to be your new nurse. You're going to be staying with me for a while."

"I can't stay with you, I have an apartment in Hollywood. I'll hire somebody...." He gagged again and she caught again and then cleaned him up. She wiped his mouth and wrung out the cloth, letting it dry over the sink. She got a fresh one and wiped the sweat on his forehead.

"This is shit."

"It is. What you did to yourself is shit." She said this firmly. "But I can help you."

"Help me, oh shit."

"Yeah." She smiled when he opened his eyes.

"What are you going to do to me?"

"Herbal detox."

"I don't want to go through detox."

She shrugged. "You pretty much won't have a choice, since you won't even be able to get out of bed to pee by yourself for a few weeks." She pulled a tiny bottle from her purse. "Open."

"What is that shit?"

"It's my own blend of Nervine--- an herbal pain killer. It goes under your tongue, now that you've cleared out the stomach. Open."

"Hell no, I'm not opening." He pursed his lips closed and she smiled grimly.

"I can pinch your lips open, Richard. I know how." She squeezed his chin, and inserted the tiny pointed dropper.

"I'll----." It dribbled down his chin. "Spit it out."

"Nervine doesn't taste bad, Richard. Try it again." She was very patient. "Look, somebody is coming. You didn't tell them about the other drugs, did you? Idiot. There's more in you than cocaine. I can smell it. You're going to start sweating." She sighed. "It's going to be a long day and night, but by tomorrow you'll be feeling better."

"I don't want to feel better, I want to die. Give me the cocaine."

"I've heard it all before, trust me. This is just the beginning."

"This is against my will."

"Obviously you gave your will away to the drugs, and whoever supplies you with them. Idiot."

"Stop calling me an idiot." She squeezed the dropper into his mouth and when he spit it out she wiped it up and immediately put another dropper full in, this time, he swallowed.

"Shit."

******