(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 92 - The Missing Piece) 

I watch Callie's face carefully. 

"While you were still in Cardiff," she begins again, speaking directly to Jess, "Adam caught up with James and said things had gone pear-shaped between you because you were still hung up on your ex. He'd figured out it was Harry, and he also told James about what happened that night at the hotel, where you got really drunk and... wanted to sleep with him."

She has the decency to cast me an awkward look at this point. I hope that by keeping my face completely impassive I'm creating the illusion that she isn't rattling me, when in reality nothing could be further from the truth. 

"He wasn't bragging about it," Callie adds hastily. "He just said you were really eager to do it, and he stopped it from happening because he knew you were only doing it to try and forget your ex. I was so angry, Jess. I hated Harry for making you throw yourself at Adam." 

Hold on - I didn't "make" her do anything! Why am I getting blamed for this as well? 

"You don't sleep with people on a whim and you're not easy" Callie is saying. "You're worth so much more than that, and I was furious that Harry had got you into such a state, yet again."

I'm mollified to see Jess is shaking her head. "I reacted badly to everything Harry said but it was a lot to take in!" she exclaims, a little defensively. "It was a shock, finding out what really happened in New York. However, Harry didn't force me to behave that way with Adam that night, that was my choice." 

Exactly! I throw her a look of gratitude but she is still staring at Callie. 

"I'm not judging," Callie backtracks. "I know what you went through - I supported you through it all. But hearing Adam's side of it was the final straw. So when Harry got in touch with me a few weeks later, I wasn't exactly in the mood to play nice."

"Wait - Harry got in touch with you?!" Jess repeats, looking between me and Callie. I say nothing and wait to hear how Callie remembers this. 

"Yeah - he texted me and wanted to meet up," she replies, which is the truth. "I refused, of course. I told him to fuck off." Again, the truth. "But he was persistent - you of all people know how persistent he is. I didn't know what to do at first, I didn't know what he wanted. I didn't want anything to do with him." 

"How did he get your number?" Jess wants to know, and they both turn at the same time to look at me. 

"I asked Grimmy to get it," I reply. "I knew that he sort of knew Callie through a friend of a friend."

"Why?" Her tone is incredulous. "Why on earth did you want to meet up with her?"

I'm half expecting Callie to jump in with a sarcastic comment but she is looking at me too, waiting for my answer.

"When I came to your flat the day I got home from tour and you cooked me that lasagne," I begin, "I joked about having a brew in your One Direction mug. You told me you'd thrown all your memorabilia away - or rather, Callie had done it for you. I wanted to get it back for you. You sounded so regretful about binning it. I had this idea of surprising you with it, once we were on better terms, so I texted Callie and asked her to meet up with me so I could ask her if she really chucked it in the bin or if she kept it. I know how close you two are; I guessed she just might have hung onto it in case you changed your mind. But I hadn't bargained on her being such a control freak about it all."

I can't help this last bit falling out of my mouth. I think I've done pretty well not to throw something at her yet. 

"I refused to meet up with him," Callie tells Jess, "and eventually he asked me over text if I'd binned all your stuff. I told him I hadn't and he asked if he could have it. But I wasn't about to hand it all to him, only for him to break your heart all over again! I told him to stay away from you. He said he wasn't going to, and that he loved you, and he would do everything in his power to make it up to you and win you back." 

I don't remember telling Callie I was trying to win Jess back in the early days, but when Jess looks at me as though for verification, I nod. My sentiments, if not spoken aloud at the time, were almost certainly oozing out of every pore of my body.

"He didn't like it that I didn't jump the moment he clicked his fingers," Callie adds with a touch of venom. 

Now that definitely was NOT the case! 

"That's not true! Don't twist it into something it wasn't!" 

"I told him I didn't trust him as far as I could throw him," she declares. "And I wasn't giving him anything until he'd proved he was trustworthy and that he wasn't going to ruin your life again. He was pissed off when he realised I had the hoodie he'd given you. He said it was his, and he wanted it back. I told him he should have thought of that before he screwed a stick insect in New York."

She has such a way with words.

"Callie," Jess admonishes softly with a small sigh, closing her eyes briefly. 

"Then all that shit kicked off between me and James, the same day Harry was pictured with yet another model, half naked in some poncey hotel."

Don't react, don't react, don't react. I am literally gritting my teeth.

"I came round to your flat upset over my suspicions about James, and of course Harry was there, worming his way back into your life even though he'd been shagging someone else five minutes earlier -" 

It's Jess who cuts her off this time. 

"He hadn't been shagging anyone!"

Callie ignores this. "I was really pissed off. I'd told him not to hurt you again, yet there he was, flicking his hair and making you all flustered."

"That wasn't your decision to make!" Jess states. "It isn't up to you to warn people away from me!"

"I was worried about you!" Callie splutters. "I'd been the one to pick you up off the floor every single damn time! I'd hugged you while you cried, spent hours on the phone listening to your inner turmoil about how you felt inadequate compared to him and the models he previously dated. I couldn't let you go through all that again! What sort of friend would I be if I stood by and let you get used by the same guy over and over without stepping in?!" 

It makes me sad that Jess felt this way, even if it was in the past. But I don't have time to dwell on it as the argument is beginning to heat up between Jess and Callie and I'm not going to lie, I'm sort of enjoying listening to her defend me to the witch. 

"He wasn't using me! Harry and I talked about this stuff at length! I didn't share the details with you because they are private, between the two of us! It is nobody else's business what goes on in our lives!" 

Yes! Fucking tell her, Jess. 

"I know, and I'm sorry." Her voice is wobbling now. How can women turn on the tears so easily? "I thought I was doing the right thing. I'd seen you hurt too many times."

"Is that why you were being funny with him that day?" Jess demands, but Callie just shrugs.

"I don't remember. Probably." 

I'm not letting her brush this off so easily. 

"She gave me a look of death from behind your back as I was standing at the door," I grass. "She was warning me off. And then when you turned around, she went back to being the angelic best friend again." 

Callie has the cheek to give me a look of disgust at throwing her under the bus, while Jess shakes her head, staring at the floor. Then after a moment she lifts her gaze to Callie again.

"But after he'd gone you said he wasn't as bad as you'd previously thought," she says. 

"Yes, because although I wasn't prepared to give him what he wanted, I could appreciate that he was trying, and I was starting to think that maybe he might be serious about making it up to you," Callie replies. "But... but I wasn't going to let him get away with swanning in and out of your life so casually. I knew he wanted me to give him your stuff, so I sort of... made him work for it."

The is a beat of silence between the three of us, where the rest of the room sounds unbelievably loud.

"What do you mean, made him work for it?" Jess asks. 

Callie takes a deep breath and when she speaks again I can hear the tremor in her voice. 

"I mean, we were in contact quite regularly. I was pissed off and upset with my relationship with James. I suspected James was being unfaithful to me, and I think it clouded my judgement of men in general, so I, uh, wasn't very compliant with Harry. In fact, I was a complete bitch to him. I was horrible. Every time he asked me for your stuff I refused, telling him I needed to be sure he was genuine, and that he needed to make it up to you before I would consider giving it back. He asked me what I wanted him to do to prove himself, but I didn't know, so I just said it was up to him to figure it out. He kept asking me why I was being like this, and I just kept reminding him of how he had hurt you, and how I could turn you against him if I wanted to, and that I needed to be sure he would never hurt you again before I relaxed."

I'm taken aback by her bluntness and honesty. I thought she would try and weasel out of it, or turn it around so it was somehow my fault, but apparently not. 

"Are you seriously telling me," Jess begins, her voice also shaking now, "you made him jump through hoops, blackmailed him, to prove to you that he was worthy of my trust?!" 

Her face has reddened and I can almost see the vein in her temple throbbing. She looks angrier than I have ever seen her. 

"I didn't mean for it to get so out of hand," Callie pleads, her voice breaking. "I never meant to control him, or your relationship. I wasn't thinking straight. I was going through a tough time with my own relationship, and I was in bitch mode. I'm so sorry, Jess."

But Jess turns to me. "Is this why you were so anti-Callie? We had a row about her the night I was supposed to come to the X Factor studios for one of your performances. You were really annoyed at me for bailing on you after I found out James had been cheating." 

"I was sick of her calling the shots in our relationship," I confirm. "She wasn't lying when she said she's been a bitch. It's been fucking horrendous, Jess. I felt like I was constantly living on a knife edge. And to be honest, I thought she'd deliberately sabotaged the X Factor plans. I thought she had pulled you away because she didn't want you supporting me." 

"Oh my God," Jess murmurs.

"I didn't know if I was being paranoid," I admit. "I started second guessing everything she said and did, and then I was over-analysing my own thoughts because I didn't know if I was actually the one with the problem."

"You never wanted me to fall out with her, though," she says questioningly. "You always stuck up for her, every time I said I would speak to her and tell her to back off."

"Because she'd threatened to turn you against me and I knew it would get back to her if I slagged her off," I answer. "I was in an impossible situation. I didn't know what to do. I'd witnessed first hand how manipulative she could be. There was no way I was risking her trying to come between us. I didn't know what she was capable of. I just knew she was nasty and spiteful and controlling."

"I'm not!" Callie protests, tears streaming down her face. "I promise I'm not really like that! I was in a bad place back then. I've realised how awfully I behaved, and I've been trying to make it up to both of you ever since!" 

Make it up to me? I wouldn't call being slightly less obnoxious than usual 'making it up to me', but whatever. 

"Is this why you kept saying you needed to make everything perfect?" Jess asks, ignoring Callie's whinging. "And is this what you meant when you told her to stop putting pressure on you?"

"Yes," I answer in earnest, relieved that this is finally out in the open. "I've been stressed almost to breaking point. I was trying so hard to make everything right between us, to make up for what I did, to be the boyfriend you deserve. And it was no longer just about getting your One Direction merch back, it was about trying to keep Callie from destroying what we had. It was almost making me ill. We were still doing promotional stuff at the time, I was in the US for a bit and you flew out with us, and then you even missed our TV performance on Good Morning America because you were on the phone to precious Callie, who only minutes before had been bitching at me on text about my ideas for your Christmas present. And then when you read her text on my phone and you practically accused me of having some sort of affair with her behind your back... it was almost the last straw."

Jess's face has visibly drained of colour. I can actually feel tension dissipating as I'm speaking: I hadn't realised until now just how much this has been weighing me down. 

"I'm so sorry," Jess whispers, her hands to her face. "Why didn't you tell me about all this?"

"Because she's your best friend," I remind her. "I was afraid that if I came between you, I would be the one who ended up losing out. And although I thought she was a nasty piece of work, she had been the one to get you through the heartbreak I had caused in the first place. If someone had hurt you to that extent I would want to hurt them, too. As much as I despised her, I sort of understood where her hatred came from. And I needed to keep her on side, because ultimately she had what I wanted: your One Direction stuff and my hoodie. And I thought if I put up with all her shit, she would see that I was prepared to do anything for you, and that would prove I was trustworthy. And if you did find out what she'd been doing, I was worried you would fall out with her. I didn't want you to lose your best friend because of me."

"That's how I felt too!" Callie wails, and I glance around feeling self conscious. A couple of people are looking over now. "I knew if he hurt you again and we fell out you would have to go through it all on your own. I couldn't say too much bad stuff about him, or question you about your relationship in too much detail, in case you told me to get lost. I wasn't sure how close you were with your other friends, but I knew you'd only really confided in me about Harry, and I didn't want you to feel completely alone. It was better to bite my tongue and keep close to you, rather than tell you the extent of my concern and risk our friendship."

"So what changed?" Jess asks. "You obviously gave him my stuff, and it would seem you helped him organise this gathering tonight. Why the sudden change of heart?"

"I'd been softening towards him for a while," she mutters, looking at the floor. "The amount of money he was prepared to spend on you for Christmas made me see he was obviously serious about you, and things had been going well between you, as far as I could see. I picked you up from the airport after you'd been to LA with him, and you said he was The One, and that he'd said the same to you. I started to think maybe he really had changed for the better. And then he turned up that day at your flat when I was there, with a bunch of flowers, to surprise you. We all had a takeaway together, and it was the first time we'd ever really spent any proper time in each other's company. I saw the way he was with you - he couldn't stop touching you and kissing you. I realised then he was head over heels for you. I offered to give you some privacy but he said I was welcome to stay. I'm sure it was partly to keep on my good side, but nevertheless it was a nice gesture - he could have let me walk out, but even after the way I'd been treating him, he was still nice to me. I began feeling even more guilty... until we went skiing and he kissed his ex-girlfriend on a yacht in the Caribbean on New Years Eve." 

"I - didn't - kiss- her," I practically growl. 

"Whether you did or you didn't was sort of irrelevant," Callie sets her chin defiantly. "Either way, it was all over the media and Jess had to keep quiet, put her own feelings aside and just get on with it." Again is the unspoken word that floats between us. 

"I told you that was a misunderstanding." Jess's anger is evident. "I trust Harry, and that's my business, not yours. You were so quick to bash him that day! You were convinced he was guilty, and you were doing everything you could to get me to dump him!"

"Yes, because I couldn't believe you would take him back after he had cheated on you again!" Callie splutters. Her stance seems to be leaning towards self defence now.

"He didn't cheat on me with Kendall!" Jess practically shouts.

I'm just about to step in to ask Jess to keep her voice down when she glances around us and seems to check herself before continuing at a lower volume, "I thought you agreed to respect my decisions!"

"I do respect them," Callie nods vigorously. "But at the time I was in despair. Here we go again, I thought. But then I remembered how that picture of you and Calvin was manipulated by the media, and I decided to give Harry the benefit of the doubt. But it had made me suspicious of him, so when he asked me again for your stuff, because he wanted to give it to you for your birthday, I refused again. I honestly believed I was doing the right thing, Jess. I wasn't trying to ruin your relationship, and I didn't act this way out of jealousy or spite. I just couldn't bear to see you hurt by him again, so I couldn't let him make this grand gesture of presenting you with all your relationship memories, in case he destroyed you all over again."

"So I'll ask you again," Jess responds icily. "What changed your mind? When did Queen Callie decide that Harry had danced enough to your tune, and would be granted permission to go ahead with his romantic idea?" 

"I knew you'd side with him," Callie whines. "This is why I was afraid to tell you. I knew you'd see it from his view. I'm so sorry for going behind your back, Jess. I honestly did it out of love for you as my best friend, I swear on my life."

"You still haven't answered my question," Jess almost spits.

"Your birthday!" Callie answers tearfully and in a rush. "When you showed me the photo of the picture he'd had done of the two of you with the song lyrics he wrote for you, and the bracelet he bought you. It hit home just how hard he had been trying, and how thoughtful he was, and I was hit by the realisation that I had been so incredibly hard on him, and he had more than proved himself a long time ago. I felt sick. So when he got up to go to the bathroom I followed him and tried to apologise for the way I had been. He was - understandably - not very gracious, and then you interrupted us. He could have snitched on me to you there and then, but he didn't; he covered for me. And I realised again what a decent guy he is. I was wrong to have treated him the way I did, and I am so, so sorry for everything. I texted him, saying he could have your stuff whenever he wanted, and apologised. I told him I would do whatever it took to help him surprise you, because I felt so awful about being so nasty. And I promised myself I would never behave like this again. I'm sorry." 

Jess is visibly shaking now. She turns to me with an air of someone desperately trying not to fall apart. "Is this true? Did she really treat you like this, and did you just put up with it because you love me?"

"In a nutshell, yes."

"And you've told me everything?" she clarifies. "There are no more secrets?"

I frown in confusion. "No, of course not. What else would there be?"

She doesn't answer. For a few seconds nobody speaks. At first I think it is because the discussion is over but it is quickly apparent that Jess's silence is just the swell before the wave breaks. 

She turns to Callie, her face crimson with fury. 

"Get out. I can't even begin to articulate my disgust at what you have done to us. Get out of my sight and leave me the fuck alone." 

I expect Callie to plead her case again but she obviously deems there to be no point. She glances at me, maybe expecting me to plead with Jess on her behalf, but I don't. Finally she gives a single nod, turns round and disappears from the room. 

---***---

Happy New Year! It's 1st January 2024 and I am sooo motivated to get these last few chapters posted. Nothing else left to say, apart from a heartfelt thank you to every single person reading this. I appreciate that you are here, some of you after nearly nine whole years of this book, and I don't underestimate your dedication. Thank you for not giving up on me, even though I have often and repeatedly given up on myself for months at a time! I wish you love, health and happiness for 2024 xxx

Oh and also, at the end of this book I will post a Q&A, like I did at the end of Jess's POV, so if there's anything you want to ask me please message me and I will answer in the final chapter xx