(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 75 - This Can't Be Over Now)

I wake up from my nap an hour later with an uncomfortably full bladder and a dry mouth. I heave myself off my sun lounger, grab my phone and head back to my cabin to use the bathroom and freshen up. 

I've just stepped out of the shower, tied a towel round my waist and inspected my tanned skin when I hear my phone ring. It's Jess, and oddly it's not a facetime call, it's just a regular call.

"Hi baby," I answer.

"Hi," she says, her voice high and bright.

"Good day?"

"No, not really." 

She doesn't elaborate, and sounds annoyed.

"Oh, why?" I ask. "What happened?"

"Well, everything was fine until we arrived back at the cabin and my friends started looking on social media," she says curtly. I wait for more information, but none is forthcoming.

"OK," I reply slowly, hoping this will encourage her to enlighten me, but I'm met with silence. "Hello?" I prompt.

"Hello?" she echoes.

"Are you still there? You've gone quiet."

She doesn't answer. I'm so confused.

"Jess?"

"I'm here," she mumbles, and her voice sounds strained, like she's about to cry.

"What's the matter?" I ask softly.

"I'm assuming you haven't been on social media lately then?" she chokes.

Oh God. Not this again.

"No," I sigh. "What are they saying now?"

"It's not what they're saying. It's the pictures they're printing! You and Kendall... on the boat..."

I should have known this would bother her. She isn't made of stone, after all. After everything that happened with Sara and Nadine in the summer I should have known this would hurt her all over again.

"Jess," I begin gently. "I'm so sorry. Please don't be upset by the stuff you see. Look at all the stupid rumours about me and Louis. People will read into every look, every gesture, every move we make, and interpret it how they want."

"And what about a kiss?" she asks, her voice cracking with emotion. "How do people interpret that?"

"A kiss?" I repeat. "What do you mean?"

"I mean the pictures that are currently circulating the whole damn world of you and Kendall Jenner lying half naked, smooching on the deck of a boat in the Caribbean!" she trills in a rush, as though it has taken forcible effort to keep this inside until now.

It takes a second or two for this information to sink in. "What?!" I scoff.

"You heard me right," she says, her tone abrupt.

"I heard you, but I don't understand," I frown, nonplussed. "I haven't been smooching with anyone on the deck of any boat. How could you think that?"

"Because there are pictures of you doing it!" she shrieks, her voice shaking.

I am now completely confounded. "Jess... I'm completely confused! I don't know what pictures you're talking about!"

"So you weren't cuddled up with Kendall today, wearing next to nothing?" she demands.

Ah, so the paps have printed pictures from this afternoon. I should have known. And now I think about it, she should have a little more faith in me. 

"Well, we were sunbathing on the deck earlier," I explain. "She came and lay on me for like thirty seconds while I was trying to text you, and then I pushed her off." I think back to what happened during that episode. "But Jeff was there too," I add, "along with a couple of other friends. Kendall went and sat on his lap. Were there pictures of that as well?"

"Not of Kendall and Jeff," she answers.

"Well I have pictures of Kendall sitting on Jeff's knee," I counter, aware of the impatience in my voice. "Would you like me to send them to you? And maybe you could send me what you have, and we can compare?"

I don't mean to sound quite so sarcastic, but seriously.... Kendall and I have been pictured in our swimwear. So what? 

"Fine," she snaps. There is a pause, followed by some scuffling. A couple of seconds later I hear a metallic beep in my ear. I open the message she has just sent me, and my eyes nearly pop out of my head.

The photos have been screenshot from the Daily Mail website, and the only way to describe them is incriminating. I don't know how, but it looks like Kendall is lying on top of me wearing next to nothing, mid-kiss. 

"Oh my God," I mutter. "What the hell is this?"

"Well I was hoping you would tell me," she replies, dangerously calmly, "as you're the one with your ex-girlfriend lying on top of you wearing a miniscule bikini."

"Jess," I flounder, completely blindsided. "I - what the fuck - I - this isn't what it looks like. I swear to you. You have to believe me."

I wipe sweat from my forehead as I stare down at these photos. We look intimate. We look like a couple. I feel sick.

"So what is it, then?" she asks. The sound is tinny through the phone speaker.

"I... I don't even know," I plead. I swallow hard. "I know what it looks like... it looks like we're kissing. But we weren't... I don't even know how it can look so incriminating when it never even happened... Jess... oh God..."

"So what did happen?" she demands, her voice rising.

"Nothing!" I protest. My body flushes hot with panic as I begin to doubt my capability to explain this when the pictures are telling a different story to mine. "I swear on my life!"

"Then why was she on top of you?!" she shouts, and her voice breaks again. The sound tears a hole right through my heart.

"She was just messing around! Jeff was there, right next to us! I'm hardly going to be sticking my tongue down my ex's throat in front of my family and friends and a boatful of paparazzi, am I? Why would I even want to when I've got you?" My heart is pounding now and my hands are slick with sweat.

"So how do you explain this?" she shrieks. "Look at the pictures, Harry! You're kissing her, as clear as day!"

"I'm not!" I insist, my voice rising too now. "I'm not! I can't believe this... I don't understand... how can this even be happening?" 

I rake a hand through my hair, my mind racing. Are these pictures photoshopped? They wouldn't be allowed to be printed if they were. And besides, they're too grainy. Anyone using photoshop would have made a better job of it.

"Was it a PR stunt?" she's sobbing now, and Kris Jenner's face flashes in front of my eyes. But surely even she wouldn't stoop so low. "I joked that any winter girlfriend rumours would take the heat off us. Is that why you did it? Or was she trying to make her boyfriend jealous?"

"Jess, you're not listening to me!" I shout, losing grip on my composure. "I did not kiss Kendall on this boat! Nothing is going on between us, we're just friends! You are the love of my life - I asked you to move in with me for Christ's sake! Why would I do that if I was interested in anyone else?"

"I don't know," she cries. "But look at the evidence, Harry! How can you deny it?"

I'm suddenly terrified that my protests alone aren't going to convince her. My pathetic denials aren't going to justify these incomprensible photos, and if I'm not careful I might just lose her all over again, over something that hasn't even happened.

My voice cracks as I beg her again. "I - I just... I don't know what to say. I'm just in disbelief. Let me look at these pictures again..."

There must be a clue somewhere as to how these images have come about. Did Kendall grab me while I was napping? Did I somehow not wake up while she kissed me? That's the only thing that could have happened, but Kendall would have no reason to do that. And even if she did, someone else would have intervened and asked her what the fuck she was doing. 

I can't believe I'm even thinking this about Kendall - she just wouldn't do it. She has no interest in me and I have no interest in her. We're friends, and friends don't hurt each other.

I open the pictures again and zoom in on each one in turn, trying to see if my eyes are open, trying to see if they have been tampered with, trying to explain the inexplicable. But the blue towel is in the way of our mouths on each shot, so it's not clear. And then suddenly I realise something. My brain is automatically filling in the blank, assuming the photos show me kissing Kendall, when in fact I'm not kissing Kendall. Our bodies are close together, but in not one of these photos are our lips touching.

"Have you looked at these pictures properly?" I demand.

"Yes. The images are burned into my eyelids, thanks," she answers bitterly.

"And in any of them can you see our lips actually touching?" I challenge. "Because I can't. And do you know why I can't? Because they didn't. I did not kiss her."

"What are you talking about?" she mutters. 

I feel like even my insides are trembling.

"Don't you think that with the paps swarming around the boat constantly, pointing long-range cameras at us, they would have got loads of clear pictures of us kissing, if we actually had been?" I point out. "They've taken plenty of other clear pictures of us since we arrived! But in every picture you've shown me of us supposedly kissing, there's a towel in the way. So what does that tell you? That there's nothing going on behind the towel. Maybe, just maybe, they're just printing this shit to make headlines?"

"She is lying on top of you!" she hisses.

"I never denied that," I reply. "But like I told you, she also sat on Jeff's lap. And I guess there are no pictures of that, because without sounding like an arrogant bastard, I make better click bait."

She doesn't answer. I take a deep breath, trying to regain my composure before I continue. "Baby, you know Kendall and I are close. You also know she's got a boyfriend, who she's been missing like mad the whole time we've been here. And she's moaned at me for being all lovey dovey with you. Does this really sound like the foundation for an illicit affair behind our partners' backs?"

She's crying softly on other end of the phone. I give her a minute, not wanting to protest my innocence any further. The pictures may look bad, but they can't show what didn't happen.

"I don't know," she sobs.

"Oh baby, please don't cry," I plead. "I can't believe we're here again, with me begging you to trust me. I know the pictures look bad at first glance, and probably very convincing to the outside world, but come on. You know me better than that. Have the last couple of months proved nothing? I am head over heels in love with you; I wouldn't hurt you again. I have no feelings for Kendall, or anyone else for that matter. And I swear to you, on my life, on our relationship, I am not cheating on you."

"I can't believe we're here again either," she sniffs through her tears. "I can't believe there are pictures of your ex-girlfriend lying on top of you practically naked. This is not OK, Harry."

She's right. I have massively fucked up here. Just not in the way the media outlets are claiming.

"I know. I know how it looks. But Jess, I just don't think of her in that way," I promise. "She's like a sister to me. We fight like siblings. She irritates the hell out of me." I think back to all the times Kendall has pissed me off this week. "She was begging me to let her squeeze a spot on my face before when she was lolling around on me - I told her no, but she pestered me until I pushed her off me, and she went and bugged Jeff instead. She also sat on my lap this morning for a minute and reckoned she was picking dandruff out of my hair for heaven's sake - my mum even took a picture of us - I'll get her to send it to you. In fact, Mum's probably got loads of photos of us together, hanging out, being silly, messing around, because that's the type of relationship we have." I'm rambling now but she isn't interrupting me so I press on. "I don't know how else to make you understand that you're the only one for me. And I have to be really honest and say it sort of pisses me off that we're having this conversation again. I know these are really bad pictures, but I would have thought you would have at least questioned your assumption before accusing me."

"I did!" she squeaks indignantly, and I feel a stab of panic that I've overstepped the mark here. But I need to be honest about the way I'm feeling, even though I have crossed a line I shouldn't have crossed. "Everyone was straight onto you, calling you every name under the sun, saying you were cheating on me, but the first thing I said was that it didn't seem right," she says. "It didn't add up."

Everyone. 

"By everyone I presume you mean Callie," I snap, as everything falls into place. Callie has undoubtedly been the driving force behind this, probably taking great delight in showing Jess these photos and telling her what an untrustworthy boyfriend I am. What a bitch.

"I'm not going down this road again," she sighs, her voice loaded with emotion.

"But you're happy to go down the 'Harry's a love rat' road?" I jibe.

"No!" she shouts. "I'm not happy! I'm looking at numerous pictures of you topless, with your face in your ex-girlfriend's chest, with your face touching hers, looking intensely loved up with another girl that isn't me! So no, Harry! Happy is the last thing I am feeling right now!"

"I don't know what else to say you!" I shout back, wanting to punch the wall. "I can't remove the pictures! And frustratingly, I have no way of proving they're completely innocent!"

"Either way, you must have known how this would be portrayed!" she scoffs. "You must have known you'd be seen!"

Is she for real? This is the story of my fucking like. Pardon the pun.

"Of course I knew we would be seen!" I growl. "They've been watching the yacht for days! But I wasn't going to hide away inside. And I couldn't have predicted how Kendall flopping onto me, pestering to pick at my face and then hoofing herself onto Jeff's knee could have caused such a shit storm!"

"Did you know the paps were taking photos when she was lying on you?"

"They'd been buzzing around all morning!" I shrug. "I didn't really take much notice. I was just sunbathing, and playing on my phone. As far as I was concerned, I wasn't doing anything of interest. Like I said, she sat on Jeff's knee straight after. I didn't even give it a second thought until now because it wasn't anything sordid or secret. Those pictures you sent me make it look like she was there for ages, but it was more like about half a minute. I was uncomfortable with her bony body on me, and her comments about my pimple, so I pushed her off."

I absentmindedly touch the spot on my chin. It feels massive.

Jess has fallen silent. Either that or she's hung up on me.

"Jess... Did you hang up? Are you still there? Please... you have to believe me..."

"I'm here," she replies after a moment's hesitation. "And... I do believe you."

"Oh!" I let out a cry of relief. "Thank God..."

My whole body is still trembling. I thought I'd lost her for good. I'm still scared I might.

"But just because I believe you aren't cheating on me doesn't make this situation OK," she adds. "Harry, how would you feel if those pictures were of me and Adam? If I were the one in the bikini, lying on his chest, leaning over him so close that it looked like we were kissing."

My inner tremor turns to a wave of nausea as I imagine Jess lying on top of Adam, their skin touching. 

"I'd want to kill him," I reply, my voice shaking. "I'd be gutted."

"So why is it OK for you to do it?" Het tone isn't accusing now. It's calm and reasoned. I feel like shit.

"It isn't OK," I admit. "But I didn't ask her to come and lie on me! I told her to get off me, and she did!"

"She shouldn't have lain on you in the first place. Clothed or unclothed, platonic or romantic, that pose looks intimate. I wouldn't cuddle up with another guy like that, out of respect for you and us as a couple. You crossed a line."

Is she working herself up to end this? Because I broke her trust in a whole other way?

"I didn't think about it," I confess, aware how lame, inconsiderate, arrogant and entitled that sounds. "You know I'm a tactile person. I'm the same with fans, with my family, with my friends. It's just who I am."

"I'm not asking you to change who you are," she rationalises. "I'm just asking you to put yourself in my position, and understand how I feel when the media gets hold of pictures like this."

"I do understand." I feel like I'm about to cry. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Harry, I don't want to be one of those girlfriends who controls everything, and tells her boyfriend what he can and can't do," she says in an even tone. "You know I'm not like that. But I think we need to talk about this when we're back home, and we need to work out the boundaries in this relationship for both of us."

"OK," I agree, feeling sicker by the second. "You're right. I'm so sorry for making you unhappy. Again."

"I think you should probably warn Kendall," she adds, as an afterthought. "I can't imagine her boyfriend is going to take too kindly to this either."

Shit. If this is how Jess has reacted, I can't even begin to image what Jordan will do. Send a missile to blow up the yacht, probably.

"She's going to be devastated," I mutter. "I wouldn't be surprised if this was the last straw."

"I hope not, for your sake as well as hers," she declares.

I'm scared. I'm scared she's going to leave me. I'm scared I've destroyed the little amount of trust I've managed to build up after smashing it apart last time.

"I wish you were here," I mumble. "I just want to come home now. Are we OK? I mean, really OK? I feel sick because of this."

"I know," she says softly. "I don't exactly feel great myself. We're OK."

"I don't feel like we're OK," I press. "I feel like we're back to square one. I've ruined things again, and I don't know why you put up with me."

"Let's not talk about it now," she says, and a rock forms in the pit of my stomach. "Let's just wait until we're face to face and we can talk properly."

Is she waiting until I get back home so she can break up with me face to face? 

"I'm so sorry," I apologise again. "I let my guard down and I shouldn't have. I'll keep my distance from Kendall."

"That's not the solution," she argues. "You shouldn't have to ignore your friend because you're in a relationship with me. I do trust you, Harry. I'm sorry I had a wobble just then. Those pictures were just too convincing -"

She has nothing to apologise for. This is me, fucking everything up, as usual.

"I shouldn't have put myself in that position, though," I interrupt. "I'm annoyed at myself more than you - and the paps, obviously. I just need you to believe that I'm in love with you, and I wouldn't look twice at anyone else."

"I believe you." 

"I love you," I whisper, terrified she won't say it back. My entire body floods with relief when she replies, "I love you too." 

"Will you ring me at midnight?" I beg. "So I can say Happy New Year?"

"Of course," she assures me, and I can hear a smile creeping into her voice.

"I don't deserve you," I murmur. "I don't take for granted your faith in me, I promise. Thank you for trusting me."

"You earnt it," she replies, matter-of-factly. "We just need to talk about public relationships, that's all. And that's something new to both of us, considering you've never really been public with anyone before. Except for Taylor Swift, and we don't talk about her."

If she's cracking jokes, that's a good sign. "No, we definitely don't," I chuckle.

She's going out for a new year's meal with her friends, and after promising to ring me at midnight, we say our goodbyes and hang up. I throw my phone down on the bed, flop onto my back and let myself cry for a minute, releasing the emotion I hadn't realised I was holding in. 

I could have lost her. I almost did, again. All because I didn't respect our relationship and allowed myself to be touchy-feely with Kendall, knowing we were in full view a boat full of paparazzi, knowing they would be eager to get a story about us. I handed them their exclusive on a plate. 

I'm usually pretty savvy when it comes to handling myself in the public eye but it just goes to show that I can't let my guard down even for a second. I've been so stupid. 

I wipe my eyes, haul myself off the bed and pull on a fresh shirt and pair of shorts. I now have the joyful task of breaking the news to Kendall, if she hasn't already received a phone call from Jordan. This is not going to be fun.

---***---

I was supposed to post this chapter last weekend but I completely forgot the date, I'm so sorry! Anyway, here it is (finally) and if I get chance tomorrow I promise I will do my best to post another update. Thank you so so so so much for reading ❤❤❤