(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 42 - Make This Feel Like Home)

October 2015

"What's with your face?" is the first thing Louis asks me when I arrive backstage at the O2 Arena on Monday for soundcheck. "You look like the cat that got the cream."

"Do I?" I grin, flopping down on one of the sofas and sliding my phone out of my pocket. No new messages.

"Did you finally get the cream?" Niall leers, giving me a knowing wink.

"No way," Louis breathes, looking from Niall to me and leaning forward in his seat, his eyes wide. "You got back together with Jess?!"

"No," I answer hastily, shoving my phone away again. "But I did spend all day yesterday with her, and it was good. I mean, like, really good."

"You get any action?" Niall wants to know.

"Not unless you count my hand, after she left," I admit.

Louis chuckles at this. "That girl always did know how to keep you hanging."

"I'm glad my sexual frustration amuses you," I mutter dryly, running a hand through my hair.

"Considering you're the most desired member of this band, it does fucking amuse me that you've gone weeks without even a sniff of the good stuff, all because you're hung up on the one that got away," he retorts, without missing a beat.

"I'm playing the long game," I tell them, as Liam enters the room with his phone pressed to his ear. 

"Just don't play too long," Louis advises. "If you let her keep you at arm's length forever you might find the spark fizzles out."

"It definitely hasn't fizzled out," I argue, remembering her fluster every time I came too close to her yesterday, or gave her eye contact for too long. "I'm just trying to give her space, like she wants. She's said she can only give me friendship, and I'm cool with that."

"Except when you're jacking off every night," Niall puts in.

I shrug. "It's keeping me out of trouble."

"What do you mean?" Louis asks.

"Some Victoria's Secret model wants to meet up with me," I tell them, remembering the email from Karen. 

"Sara?" Louis squeaks, a little louder than necessary.

"God, no!" I shake my head quickly. "Georgia Fowler. Her management have emailed Karen, trying to arrange a meeting. I'm not going to do it."

Louis looks thoughtful, and Liam flops down next to him and gives an exasperated sigh into the phone.

"Soph, it's only going to be a few more weeks, and then I'll be free for the next... however long," he's saying. "Don't be like that - I don't want to argue."

"Have you told Jess about Georgia?" Louis asks, with a sideglance at Liam.

"There's nothing to tell," I frown. "I barely know Georgia, and I haven't had any contact directly with her."

"Yeah, but you know how this sort of shit always comes back to bite you on the arse," he reasons. "Look at all that grief with Swifty."

"That was months ago," I say dismissively. "And she was an ex. Georgia's just... a name in a email, and will never be anything more. And it's not like Jess and I are a couple again yet. It would be weird if I told her about it now. She might think I'm trying to make her jealous, or showing off or something."

Louis considers this for a moment. "Yeah, maybe. Although it wouldn't hurt her to think she's got a bit of competition."

"I'm not going down that road," I say, firmly. "I'm not into playing games, and neither is Jess."

"Fair enough," Louis nods, as a couple of our production team peer round the door to indicate we'll be soundchecking shortly. 

Liam throws his phone onto the coffee table between us with a clatter, making us all jump.

"You OK Payno?" Niall asks.

"Fine," he answers, a little shortly, and Louis and I exchange uncomfortable glances as Lou Teasdale pokes her head into the room and waves, on her way to hair and makeup.

---

After the success of our day on the heath, and Jess's acceptance of my invitation to Mum's the following weekend, I am unsure of how and when I should make my next move. I don't want to crowd her, especially as she has asked me for space, but I am also eager to strike while the iron is hot. It takes every ounce of willpower I have to resist texting her over the next few days. I want her to be the one to text me first, instead of me pestering her, and my patience eventually pays off on Friday morning.

Hey Harry, I'm going shopping on Saturday with Callie, so I'll head up to your mum's after lunch if that's OK? Should arrive around teatime if the traffic is clear x

She does breezy so well it's enviable.

That's fine, I won't be here when you arrive but I'll be back straight after the show, probably around midnight, I text back. Mum, Robin and Gemma can't wait to see you xx

Just knowing she'll be at Mum's house waiting for me is enough to put a beaming smile on my face. 

Aren't any of them going to Saturday's concert? x, she replies.

They're all coming on Sunday, I tell her. Drive safely on the way up xx

"What are you beaming at?" Mum asks, setting a cup of tea in front of me and sitting down opposite me at the kitchen table.

"Nothing," I beam, stupidly, and she gives me a knowing look.

"Are you texting Jess?"

I can't lie - there's no point, she knows me too well. I just grin instead, and she smiles happily.

"Are things going well?"

"I think so," I reply. "I'm keeping my distance, like she asked. She wants to be friends, so we're friends. And so far we seem to be getting along."

She nods slowly. "Am I still making up the guest room for her tomorrow night?"

Oh god, this is embarrassing. She may well just have asked if I've had sex recently. That would be a big fat NO.

"Um, yeah, if you don't mind. I can make the bed myself, just tell me which sheets to use."

"Don't be silly, I'll do it," she insists. "It's no trouble."

There is a pause, and I look down at my tea, praying she won't pursue this line of conversation. Especially while I am still on shaky ground with Jess.

"I think you're right to take things slowly," she says carefully, and I feel my cheeks getting hot.

"Mmmh," I mumble.

"I'm sure you're frustrated," she begins.

"Mum!" I protest, looking up at her in horror. Is my horniness literally oozing out of every pore or something?

She looks at me in confusion for a moment, and then her eyes widen. "Oh - love, I didn't mean frustrated in that way," she clarifies. "I meant I'm sure it's tough for you to tread carefully with Jess, when I know how badly you want to be with her."

"Oh," I mutter, looking away again and now wishing the ground would open up and swallow me. I'm close to my mum and can talk to her about anything, but discussing my sex life, or lack thereof, is a step too far. 

"Everything will work out in the end," she says, wisely. "If it's meant to be, it will be."

"I hope so," I sigh. 

"Of course it will," she smiles, reassuringly. "Just give it time."

"What's he moaning about now?" Gemma asks as she enters the kitchen in her dressing gown.

"I'm not moaning about anything," I reply, frowning.

"Are you still staring after Jess like a lovesick puppy?" she smirks, sitting down next to me and ruffling my hair.

"I have never stared after anyone like a lovesick puppy," I snap, and she snorts.

"Right. If you say so."

"Don't embarrass me tomorrow evening while I'm not here," I tell her.

"Oh, you mean like you embarrassed me only last week at The Roundhouse in front of Michal and, um, the entire venue?" she reminds me. 

Ah. That had momentarily slipped my mind. I told the crowd at the Apple Music Festival that Gemma was there on a date, and that I was trying to keep an eye on things. It's not like I planned to say it - it just slipped out when I caught sight of them in the audience and the fans loved it. She was less than impressed, however. I have a nasty feeling I am about to be on the receiving end of her revenge.

"That was just banter," I offer weakly, and she smiles sweetly at me.

"Banter," she echoes. "Well, I'm sure Jess and I will have some cracking banter tomorrow."

"Don't," I beg, pulling a face. "Don't put any pressure on her, or make things awkward. It's still up in the air."

She rolls her eyes. "You're fussing like an old woman. Mum, where are all the baby photos?"

"Gemma," I whine as Mum chuckles softly. "Mum - tell her to stop."

"I'm not getting involved in this," Mum says, getting up from the table and clearing away the breakfast plates, and Gemma gives me a triumphant smile once her back is turned.

---

I spend the next thirty six hours literally on count down. The lads rib me mercilessly before the Saturday show in Manchester, and I succumb to temptation and text Jess just as we are about to go on, asking her to wait up for me if she isn't too tired. I get two words back immediately: Of course x - and subsequently I spend the concert throwing myself around the stage like some sort of madman, spraying water into the crowd, gyrating like a sex crazed lunatic and screaming Oh baby yeah! at every opportunity. The journey out of Manchester afterwards is slow, and I am impatient as the car crawls along at snail's pace until we are clear of the city centre and the arena traffic. 

As we are approaching Holmes Chapel I reach into my holdall for an elastic band and scrag my hair into one of those mun things, and catch a distinct whiff of body odour. Fucking great. Not that this is unusual after a show, but I would much prefer to sweep into the house looking and smelling clean, rather than the sweaty, smelly mess I must resemble right now. I thank the driver as I get out of the car and jog to the door, my heart beginning to pound as I stick my key in the lock and turn it.

Jess meets me in the hallway with a shy smile on her face, and my stomach gives a nervous flip as I shut the door behind me and drop my bag at my feet.

"Hey," she greets me, softly.

"Hi," I reply back, hoping my nerves don't show as I take a step towards her, but if they do she doesn't comment as she steps towards me too, slipping her arms around my waist and laying her head on my chest. I hold her tightly to me, savouring this rare moment of affection that I desperately crave, and praying she can't feel my heart hammering beneath my tshirt.

"How was the show?" she murmurs, and her voice vibrates through my body, sending tingles racing through my veins.

"Fine. I stink."

She chuckles, and the sound of her laugh makes me smile.

"You don't," she lies.

"I do," I grin at her. "I'm gonna jump straight in the shower. I'll understand if you want to go to bed, if you're tired."

I hope she'll stay up a bit longer, but I don't want to pester her.

"No, I'll wait," she says immediately. "Your mum's just making a cup of tea for you."

In the happiness of seeing Jess I had almost forgotten there were other people in the house.

"Hi Mum," I call towards the kitchen, and hear her greeting in response.

"I'll only be a few minutes," I tell Jess, and she nods. I grab my holdall and take the stairs two at a time, almost running to the bathroom and attempting to pull my tshirt off with one hand before I have even shut the door. 

I manage to wash my body and my hair in less than three minutes, and rub myself impatiently with the towel to get dry, before pulling on a pair of jersey shorts and a white tshirt and redoing the mun as best I can.

I throw my dirty clothes on the floor of my room and bound back down the stairs and into the lounge where Jess is sitting on the sofa. 

"Hey there Delilah," she greets me, and I can't help smiling at this familiarity we seem to have regained.

"Where's Gem?" I ask.

"Gone to bed."

"Rude," I joke, lying down on Jess's stomach and draping my arm across her as I flick through the channels with the remote, forgetting momentarily that she's not my girlfriend and I don't automatically have the right to do this.

"Make yourself comfortable," she remarks, and my heart misses a beat as I look up at her, worrying for a second that I have overstepped the mark. She's smiling, however, and I relax again. 

"Oh I will. Thanks."

"Was it a good crowd?" she asks, after a moment.

"Yeah," I nod, stifling a yawn. "I love the Manchester crowd. Feels like home, y'know?"

I let my eyes close briefly, listening to the gentle beat of her heart drumming a soft rhythm in my ears. It's so relaxing. 

I feel Jess take a deep breath, and I lift my head slowly. The room is suddenly quiet and the hall light is off, meaning Mum must have gone to bed... meaning I have been asleep for some time.

Fuck.

"Sorry," I mumble, rubbing my eyes and feeling stupid and embarrassed. "I didn't mean to fall asleep... again."

"It's fine," she whispers, looking down at where my head was resting on her jumper, where there is now a large damp patch from my wet hair. Oh God, could this get any worse? What time is it? How long have I been like this? Did I snore? Drool??

"Sorry," I apologise again, placing my palms flat on the sofa cushions to push myself up so I am leaning over her. She lifts the hem of her jumper to wipe her skin, and I swallow hard, staring down at her hip and wanting nothing more than to press my lips against it softly.

Would she let me? Can I even stop myself from trying, now the thought has entered my head?

She starts to pull the jumper back down but I block the action silently, and her breath hitches in her throat. For a second, neither of us moves. I daren't look at her - I am mesmerised by her bare stomach. I lick my lips nervously, brushing her hand out of the way and trailing the fingers of my right hand slowly across her soft skin that feels cool and damp.

She hasn't moved an inch, but I can sense her watching me, waiting to see what I am going to do, the air suddenly thick with nervous tension.

I dip my head slowly, giving her plenty of time to stop me if she wants, but she doesn't. My lips brush gently against the skin covering her hip, leaving a delicate kiss, before I pull back a few millimetres and look up into her eyes to gauge her reaction. 

I wait. She says nothing, her expression serious and her eyes slightly wider than normal. I can feel a heat emanating from her body that surely wasn't so intense a second ago - is this turning her on? It's turning me on - I can feel a gentle swell in my shorts that continues to grow the longer I stare at her like this.

I break our gaze to look down at her exposed skin again, and go in for another kiss on the same spot. This time I am rewarded by a flush of goosebumps where my lips have just been, and her fingers reach out to me to touch my hair. 

Already I want more, and my mind is racing ahead to removing her top entirely and trailing a line of soft kisses up her stomach to her breasts, and pushing my fingers gently between her legs - 

"Dusty! Come on!"

My fantasy is cut abruptly short by the sound of Mum's voice, and I hastily push myself up to a sitting position at the other end of the sofa as Jess pulls her hoodie down and runs her hand over her hair. I lay my arm across lap my so my boner isn't evident, and Mum enters the room carrying the teapot.

"There's probably enough in there for half a cup each. It should still be hot."

She smiles at us both as she sets it down on the table.

"Thanks," we reply together, and she says goodnight and leaves the room.

"You want some of this?" I ask, trying to come across casual and managing to sound over-cheerful and forced. I lean forward to pick up the teapot.

"Yes, please," she says, moving her mug over to me.

"It's decaff," I say loudly, and cringe at my new level of uncool, "so it won't keep you awake."

"Yeah, your mum said." 

There is an awkward pause.

"Do you - are you having trouble sleeping?" she asks softly.

Fuck. What has Mum told her?

I clear my throat nervously and take a gulp of tea.

"Not exactly...," I begin, and then realise there is no point lying to her. "Well, yeah, sometimes. It's sort of hard to switch off at the moment."

"From what?"

You. Us. This limbo we're in. The elephant in the room.

"Dunno. Everything," I sigh. "I think I'm overtired, to the point where sometimes I find it hard to get to sleep."

"Not long left until the end of the tour now," she says gently.

She has no idea. But I can't talk to her about how I'm feeling, because that would be putting pressure on her to think about us, and she's already made it clear that she isn't ready to do that yet.

"Yeah," I mutter. "I'm pretty beat now, actually."

"I'm ready to go to bed whenever you are," she says quickly. "I was only really waiting up for you."

We switch off the lights downstairs and make our way up as quietly as we can. We reach the landing, and stop outside the spare room where she is sleeping. 

"Have you got everything you need? Towels and stuff?" I whisper.

"Yeah, your mum's sorted everything out for me, thanks," she whispers back, looking up into my eyes.

My stomach flutters at the expression on her face. I want to kiss her again, and I think she would let me, but something doesn't feel quite right. Mum's interruption has graced me with a moment of clarity, and I can't help thinking that if I made a move on her now, and we ended up in my bed, that she would regret it and we would be back to square one. The last time I gave into temptation around her she walked out of my hotel room immediately afterwards while I was still asleep. I couldn't bear waking up tomorrow morning to an empty bed again.

So I squeeze her shoulder gently but resolutely. "Night, Jess."

I don't look at her as I walk away down the hallway to my bedroom, because I know that if I do, my resolve will break and it would ruin everything, and I can't let that happen.

Instead I find my release a few minutes later, into the palm of my hand, the memory of my lips against her skin and the sound of her breath catching in her throat the only things needed to reach my peak.