(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 13 - Let's Pretend It's Love)

Her lips are so soft against mine; so incredibly soft. Her tongue is gentle and warm. Her hands tremble as they fumble with the buttons of my shirt. I put everything I have into our kiss, trying to convey the depth of emotion rising and crashing inside me like a wave.

I shrug my shirt off my shoulders and sit up on the bed, pulling her by her hands so she is straddling me. She leans down to kiss me, her breath hot on my face, her hair brushing my cheek. I use both hands to scoop her hair back over her shoulder, letting it slip gently through my fingers over and over, relishing the feel of its softness against my palms, enjoying the tropical scent that is undeniably her.

My fingertips brush against the zip on the back of her dress, and I grasp it between my thumb and forefinger and pull it slowly down, all the way to the small of her back. When it can go no further, I slip my fingers under the hem and lift it up her body. Her hands leave my face briefly as she lifts her arms up to let the dress over her head, and then once it is off my hands return to her hair and hers to my cheeks.

Our kissing is becoming faster; hurried, almost. My erection is straining in my jeans. I am desperate for her touch.

I kiss her cheek, her jaw, her ear and her neck before I catch sight of the underwear she is wearing, and my breath catches in my throat. Holy hell.

It's a brilliant white bra that looks absolutely incredible against her lightly tanned skin. It accentuates the curve of her breast, yet somehow understatedly, and enhances her look of innocence. The tiny pink bow resting between the cups is the perfect finishing touch. I've never seen her wear it before - maybe it's new. I reach behind her with my hand as my lips brush the dip in her collarbone, and unclip the bra. She throws it hastily on the floor and her fingers pull at my jeans impatiently, her teeth gently biting down on my bottom lip. I push her onto her back and kick my jeans off before lying fully on top of her, nestled between her legs so my entire length is pressing hard against her through my boxers.

I dip my head to her breasts, swiping my tongue over one nipple and grazing the other with my fingertips.

"Harry," she breathes, and it's so fuckıng sexy I could almost come here and now. I can't stop a moan of longing falling from my lips.

Her nipple is hard between my lips now and her nails scrape my hair back, causing me to moan again. Her fingers stroke the skin of my back and I feel goosebumps rising at her touch, sending shivers down my spine. My whole body shudders as her hands skate up my sides and she cups my face in her hands again tenderly, lovingly. Our lips meet again, crashing together passionately, and I groan when she pushes my boxers down and grips my length in her soft hand. I'm so hard I feel like I'm about to explode. I don't think I can wait any longer.

I ease her knickers down her thighs - they're plain white too, and fuckıng beautiful - and she pulls me close to her so our skin is pressed together, her breasts against my chest. I reach between us and slip one finger between her legs, finding her so ready for me that I let out a soft hiss, but she suddenly pulls her head back from me an inch.

I don't need to be a mind reader to know what she is thinking.

"We can use a condom if you want," I say, softly, before she can voice her fears.

I know she doesn't trust that I don't sleep around. I want nothing more than to push inside her with nothing between us, and feel every inch of her softness and warmth, but I doubt she will want that, knowing how she feels about me.

She stares into my eyes and my heart wrenches painfully at her beauty.

"Do - do we need to?" she asks, breathlessly.

I stare back, unsure where she is going with this. My heart is pounding, my breathing ragged.

"I understand if you want to," I explain. "After what you said... in Karen's office..."

I don't want to repeat those humiliating words, and I can tell from the look on her face that she knows what I mean.

"Do we need to?" she asks, a little louder and clearer.

"There hasn't been anyone else. Not since..." I stop dead.

Not since Sara.

I don't want to ruin the moment by mentioning her name in front of Jess.

"And you're the only one I've ever..." I hesitate, not wishing to be crass. "You know... without..."

Without protection.

To my surprise she shifts underneath me so my tip presses against her. She's hot and wet. Jesus Christ.

"You'd better not be lying, Harry," she begs, with a hint of desperation in her eyes.

Why would I lie to her?

"I'm not... I wouldn't..." I whisper, pressing forwards and staring into her eyes to make sure this is OK. I wouldn't lie to her over something as important as this.

"You would... you did," she whispers back sadly as I move my face closer to hers. She's referring to Sara, of course.

"I'm sorry," I plead.

I wish I could make her see how sorry I am. I wish she knew the full story.

I will tell her everything afterwards. I can't pull away from her now, not when she has let me so close to her again. I want this, I need this.

I push fully inside her, slowly and gently, and she whimpers softly. I press my mouth to hers, craving her taste. Her tongue glides over mine as I pull my hips back and push forward again, closing my eyes to focus fully on the feel of her around me. It's the most incredible sensation. I have missed her so much. I daren't let myself hope for anything more than just this one night but already my mind is racing ahead to frank conversations, explanations, understanding. I need to stop thinking this way. I am supposed to be leaving her alone.

Her hands roam my body; rubbing my back, caressing my arms, stroking my neck, running through my hair. Her lips are gentle on mine and I kiss her with as much passion and feeling as I can. I've gone from trying to switch my feelings off to letting myself get carried away wanting more.

Her hips are thrusting towards me now as I pick up the pace; I can tell she is about to come. I bury my face in her neck and she digs her fingers into my upper arms.

"Harry," she whimpers, and then cries out and lets her head fall back. I drive myself deep into her, over and over, and she moans softly, gripping me tightly with her legs which are now wrapped around my waist.

I let her come down, and slow my movements as I feel myself getting close too. I can feel her heart racing as she pants into my neck.

"Are you OK?" I ask, softly. "Was that good?"

"Yeah," she answers weakly, and I look into her eyes as I push slowly into her, trying not to focus on the sensation in my dıck. A strand of her hair has fallen across her cheek and I lift my hand to stroke it softly, but she quickly turns her face away and I do my best to push away the sting of rejection.

I rest my forehead in the crook of her neck as my hips thrust forward and back, taking me closer and closer to my release. Fuck, I think I'm losing control.

I press my lips to her neck, breathing in her scent again and I reach the point of no return.

"Baby, I'm gonna come, OK?" I murmur against her skin.

She doesn't answer.

"OK?" I persist, and she looks into my eyes with a trace of innocence and nods.

She's so beautiful and she has no idea.

I let go, and gasp as the first wave swells and then breaks. I reach down, searching for her lips with mine, only to discover she has turned her face away again and with my orgasm comes an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss, as I realise she is slipping through my fingers yet again tonight. There's nothing I can do about it right this second; I am surrendered to the feeling of euphoria flooding every inch of my body, but I know with every second that passes she slips further out of reach. I kiss her neck gently, dripping sweat onto her and trying to pull her back to me emotionally, but it's too late; she's gone. I can feel she's gone. My whole body is trembling.

"I'm sorry," I breathe. "I'm so sorry..."

I'm sorry I let you down, and I'm sorry I haven't told you the truth. I'm sorry you believe you weren't enough for me. I'm sorry you're already regretting this tonight, and I'm sorry I was selfish in wanting you to drive away my guilt. I'm sorry I used you to comfort me, when you are the one who should be comforted. I'm sorry my world is so fuckėd up, and I'm sorry you were brought into it, only to get hurt by me time and time again.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper again, into her neck. I'm panting, out of breath, and my heart is hammering. I am mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I want to hold her in my arms, to feel her close to me, just for a little bit longer, but already she is trying to push me off her, trying to wriggle out from underneath me. I feel another wave of emotion.

"Don't," I beg, desperately. "Don't push me away... please..."

She stops fighting me and lays still underneath me, without a word. I rest my head on her shoulder and sigh, fighting back tears for the second time in front of her tonight, and then close my eyes just for a minute as tiredness overwhelms me and the comfort of her embrace brings with it sleep.

I'm vaguely aware of her shifting from underneath me, and I know I should open my eyes and make sure she is OK, but before I can act upon this I feel myself drifting back into unconsciousness, the exhaustion from the last few weeks and the alcohol from the last few hours finally catching up with me.

I feel a softness on my back, and a sudden gentle warmth all around me. It feels nice, sort of like I'm floating on a fuzzy little cloud. I can hear rustling. Someone next to the cloud is rustling. Is it Jess?

"Jess?" I ask, but it sounds mumbled. "Jess?" I ask again.

I want her on the cloud with me. I want to float around the sky with her; cushioned in softness, enveloped in her love. I love her so much.

"Yeah, it's me, I'm here," she replies in a soft whisper. I can't see her on this cloud, but the sound of her voice tells me she is right next to me. That's exactly where I want her to be.

I nod and sigh, finally content.

"Love you."