(No Control - 72. Last First kiss, second part)

I call Jess from the car. I feel like shit and I just want to hear her voice. I lean back in the seat with the phone pressed to my ear, and wait while it rings.

"Hey Squidge," she answers, softly.

"Hey baby," I reply.

"You ok?"

"Yeah," I lie. "Are you?"

"Yeah, I'm ok," she says, cautiously. "I can tell you're not, though. What's up?"

Is it that fucking obvious?

"Nothing, I'm fine," I lie again. I really don't want to have this conversation right now. I don't want her to be pissed off with me when I'm so far away.

"You're not," she says bluntly. "I can hear it in your voice. You sound.... stressed. And a bit... sad."

I am exactly that: stressed and sad. How can she tell that, just from me saying a couple of words?

"How do you always know?" I sigh.

"Because I love you," she says gently, making my toes tingle. "And I know you. So come on, what's happened?"

I want to tell her everything so badly. I want to confide all my fears in her - about Louis' baby, the future of the band, the things Nadine has just said about me - and let her tell me I'm worrying for nothing, and everything will be OK. But I need to do it face to face.

"I don't want to talk about it over the phone," I say eventually.

"OK," she accepts. "But are you alright? I mean, really?"

She knows not to push me. She just knows. She trusts me.

I feel so fucking guilty.

"Yeah," I murmur, shifting position and lowering my voice. "Today's just been... draining, I guess. For a couple of different reasons."

"You sure you don't want to talk about it?"

"I do, but not while I'm thousands of miles away from you," I reply, miserably. "I might need a cuddle when I'm back home, though."

"Oh, Harry," she sighs. "I wish I was there."

Fucking hell, so do I.

"I wish you were too. I'm just going to go out with Jeff and get drunk and silly."

If I can get drunk enough I might just be able to forget everything that is going on in my life right now and be worry-free, just for one night.

"Sounds like a good plan," she says, with a smile in her voice.

"Yeah," I agree, and let out a big breath. My stomach is in knots. "Anyway, how was your day?"

"Fine," she says nonchalantly. "Boring, uneventful. I'm going out for a few drinks after work tomorrow."

I feel a pang of jealousy at the thought of her hanging out with that Gary from her office who fancies her. I hate the idea of him cosying up to her while I'm an entire ocean apart from her.

I have the worst double standards, I fucking know, alright.

"Will Gary be going?" I ask, trying really hard to sound casual.

"Yeah, along with about ten others," she replies, and I can tell from her tone that there is absolutely nothing for me to worry about. I can't help hating it, though. And I hate being jealous.

"OK," I mutter, as graciously as I can.

"I love you," she says.

She knows. She knows I'm jealous and she isn't playing on it; instead she's trying to put me at ease. I fucking love her so much.

"I know. I love you too," I say, sincerely as the car slows down outside the front of my hotel. "Sorry for being a pain," I add.

"You're not a pain."

"I gotta go," I sigh. "I'm just arriving back at the hotel."

"Have a great evening," she says. "Don't get too drunk."

"I will," I tease. "I'll try not to drunk dial you."

"I don't mind if you do."

I'm glad she's said that, because I already want to.

"I love you," I tell her again.

"I love you," she says back. "Now go and have a great time."

"OK," I smile. "I'll talk to you later."

"Bye," she says softly, and I hang up.

I hurry up to my room and have another shower, get changed, and text Jeff to let him know I am on my way. I should probably eat something before I start drinking, but my encounter with Nadine has ruined my appetite, and I just want to get smashed. I haven't felt this way in a long time.

The guilt of lying to Jess is weighing heavily on me, and is only adding to my worries. I have put off telling her about Nadine for so long, and I haven't even thought about what exactly I am going to say to her when I do tell her. She's going to be really pissed off at me for lying to her. She has every right to be.

Why oh why did I let myself get in this mess? Why didn't I learn my lesson after I fibbed about Taylor Swift? I hate liars, so why am I becoming one?

What if Jess ends it for good this time, when she finds out I met up with Nadine behind her back? I know she wouldn't be bothered about me meeting up with her, but because I have lied to her it's going to look like something suspicious went on. How do I convince her it was completely innocent?

I could show her the texts! They prove I told Nadine I was spoken for, and made it clear I wasn't interested in anything else. They will at least show my intentions were genuine.

I am still stressing about all this when I arrive at the bar to meet Jeff. He is already there with a couple of friends, and gives me a high-five when I slide into a chair opposite him, my security sitting down next to us.

"Man, you look exhausted," is the first thing Jeff says.

"I am," I sigh.

"What's the matter?" he asks, and I spill my guts about everything: Louis, Briana, the argument, my feelings for Jess, my meeting with Nadine and my omission of truth regarding said meeting. Everyone has arrived by the time I get to the end, and he gives me a sympathetic look.

"Fuck, man. That's one hell of a situation."

This is no longer the time nor the place to be talking about it, though.

"I know," I mutter. "I'll be fine."

He gives me a doubtful look.

"Honestly," I insist. "I don't want to ruin the fun tonight. I need to forget about it all. I need to get pissed. Drunk," I correct myself quickly. I forget these things mean something different in the US to the UK.

"That's the spirit!" he says enthusiastically, and he signals to one of his friends standing at the bar to bring us some drinks over.

There are about ten of us in the group; all Jeff's friends, most of whom I know pretty well. The drinks flow almost as fast as the conversation and after a couple of hours I am feeling more than tipsy, which isn't surprising considering I'm drinking on an empty stomach. I wobble over to the bar and slide onto a stool and wait for the barman to be free. Jeff appears next to me, his eyes a bit red and droopy. He looks how I feel.

"You OK?" I mutter.

"Yeah, good. All good," he grins stupidly, and I giggle at his gormless expression.

"You're funny drunk," I chuckle.

"Not as funny as you," he retorts, and then starts laughing too. We giggle at the bar like a couple of schoolgirls, laughing harder every time we catch each other's eye.

"Why are we laughing?" I ask after a minute.

"I dunno," he shrugs, and that sets us off again.

We finally get served and as we're watching our drinks getting poured I look up and see Nadine walking in through the door accompanied by a couple of girls, one of whom I know to be Sara Sampaio, a Victoria's Secret Angel. We've met a few times over the last couple of years, mostly in New York.

Nadine catches my eye and her mouth turns up in a shy, hopeful smile. My heart sinks. It doesn't take a genius to work out why she's turned up here. I really can't face her right now.

My stomach churns as I remember her words from earlier.

"I don't need to belittle your relationship. I told you already, it won't last. You need someone to keep you on your toes, someone who can play the game. Someone who is used to using the media to their advantage like you do. Someone who looks damn hot on your arm and can raise your profile in the US like you want."

Is that really who I am? I didn't think so, but the words tripped off her tongue so easily. Why does she think that about me? Is that how the world sees me? In my head I'm still a normal, average guy, who just happens to have been given an amazing opportunity. I'm still Harry from Holmes Chapel. Aren't I?

"You like to think that's who you are, but you're not that person anymore, Harry. You're Harry Styles from One Direction. You'll never be just Harry ever again."

More of her words come back to me, and I down the glass of Jack Daniels in front of me in one gulp.

"Woah, easy man!" Jeff chuckles. "What was that all about?"

"Nadine's just walked in," I hiss.

The smile slips from his face as he turns to follow my gaze, and watches uncomfortably as Nadine and Sara approach us.

"Hey Harry!" Nadine says brightly, and Sara gives me a shy smile.

"Hi," I reply, less enthusiastically.

"What are you drinking?" Nadine asks.

"More like what has he drunk?" Jeff corrects, indicating to my empty glass, and Nadine sets her clutch bag down on the bar and climbs up onto the stool next to mine.

"We can't have that," she says, firmly, and flashes a smile at the barman who immediately comes over.

How do women always get served so quickly?

Jeff mutters something about going to the bathroom and disappears while Nadine is being served. I say a polite hello to Sara, and we exchange pleasantries for a minute until Jeff comes back. His eyes look a bit wild. I can tell he's on something by the way he has perked up. I could use something to wake me up, to be honest.

"Sorry for earlier," Nadine murmurs in my ear.

"'S fine," I mumble, and she puts her hand on my leg.

"It's not," she says. "I made a fool of myself. I'm really sorry. I'm so embarrassed."

"Please, don't be," I say, casually, shifting position so my leg moves out of her reach. "We're cool."

"Jason's gone," Jeff giggles, and I look over to see one of his friends that I don't know very well grinding against a tall blonde girl I have never seen before. He is holding her waist and she has her arms slung around his neck.

"Looks like he's having a great time," I remark, and Jeff and I grin at each other as Jason looks over and gives Nadine an appreciative once-over.

"So are you looking forward to your next show?" Nadine asks me.

"Doesn't seem like five minutes since you were all over Jess at Ed's concert," Jeff teases me.

"I was never that obvious," I protest, but I'm unable to hide my grin at the thought of Jess.

"Nah, you were head over heels in love," Jeff replies. "Any fool could see that."

"Harry?" Nadine prompts.

"Uh, yeah, sorry," I apologise, turning back to her. "Yes, I am thanks. Are you shooting tomorrow?"

"Yeah, it's for the next lingerie collection," she says, beaming. "It's beautiful. Satin, chiffon, lace.... the stuff you like."

I remember Jess standing in her underwear outside the bathroom at her flat, her dressing gown falling open slightly to reveal her smooth, soft stomach and the curve of her breast, and I can't help smiling to myself.

"Yeah," I say, turning back to Jeff. "Took me a while to realise, but I got there in the end."

"You've always been a bit slow on the uptake," he quips.

"Fuck off," I grin, and he flicks me.

"When are you next in New York?" Nadine asks, laying her hand on my arm and speaking close to my ear.

"Um, in a few weeks, I can't remember exactly," I answer, shortly. Her touch is beginning to make me feel really awkward. If it was anyone else I wouldn't be bothered, but after the way she reacted earlier I know she is flirting and I feel like I am being unfaithful to Jess.

Which is ridiculous, really, because I would never do that in a million years, but I know for a fact she wouldn't like it, and I would feel exactly the same over anyone touching her like this.

Over Nadine's shoulder I catch Sara's eye and she gives me a knowing look, and tries to distract Nadine. I give her a grateful smile. I feel like we are on the same page about this.

"Your hair is getting so long," Nadine remarks, reaching up and brushing my hair over my shoulder gently.

"Deen," I interrupt, warningly.

"What?" she says, innocently. "It is. It suits you, though. I don't think anyone else could pull it off like you."

"Excuse me," I mutter, standing up. "Bathroom," I explain in Jeff's ear, unnecessarily, and he nods. He knows.

By the time I return Jeff is alone at the bar, and Nadine and Sara have joined their friends in a booth. I catch Sara's eye again and smile, and she smiles back. I owe her one.

I let out a sigh of relief and get back on the stool. It takes me a moment to gain my balance and I realise just how drunk I am. I catch Sara's eye across the room as I am trying to steady myself and she giggles at me, and I can't help laughing too. I must look a right state. I should probably call it a night soon. I need to ring Jess. I miss her.

It takes her a few rings before she picks up. I glance over to check on what Nadine is up to, but she is isn't with her friends; I don't know where she's gone. Sara smiles at me again and I smile back while I am waiting for Jess to answer. I haven't even considered what time it might be back home. Jeff blows kisses at me and I grin stupidly as she finally greets me with a "Hi." Her voice sounds all croaky and sleepy.

"Jessieeeeee!" I shout happily, and Jeff rolls his eyes.

"Are you having a good time?" she asks, and I hear a rustling, like she's rolling over in bed.

"Yes," I reply, trying not to sound too drunk. "Much better now. Thank you for asking."

"Harry, how drunk are you?" she laughs.

Ah, she's on to me.

"Rather quite very," I admit. "But I can walk in a straight line, so it's all good."

Jeff lets out a bark of a laugh and I look up to see him watching me with a look of disbelief. "You can't walk in a straight line, H," he teases. I poke my tongue out at him.

"Have you got security with you?" Jess asks.

"Yeah, there are loads of us," I nod, glancing over to the table where Jeff's friends are sitting, next to a table of security guards dressed all in black. They look like mean. It makes me smirk. Fucking hell, I'm drunk.

"OK good," Jess is saying.

"I don't think jet lag and alcohol should be mixed," I announce. My tongue feels too big for my mouth. This thought makes me smirk also.

"No, probably not," she agrees.

"I love you so much," I tell her.

"I love you too," she says, and I can hear the indulgent grin in her voice, even thousands of miles away.

She thinks I'm saying this because I am drunk.

"No, but I reeaallly love you," I insist. "I need to talk to you when I'm back."

"OK. I can't wait to see you."

"I told Nadine... I told her about us," I blurt.

"Nadine?" she repeats.

"Yeah, I told her," I say, proudly. "I told her I love you."

"OK," she says, and she sounds nervous. "When - when did you tell her that?"

"Just before," I reply. "She turned up again with some friends. I think it was on purpose after earlier."

I fucking know it was on purpose. I'm not stupid.

"What do you mean? Is she with you tonight?" Jess asks in a small voice.

Oh fuck. What the fuck am I saying?

"Sort of," I reply, awkwardly. "She came to the same bar. I'd told her we were coming here."

"When did you tell her?"

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"When I saw her earlier," I admit.

"You saw her earlier?"

Why can't I keep my mouth shut?

"Yeah she wanted to talk."

"Did you... had you planned to meet up with her in New York?" she asks timidly.

"Um, yeah," I reply. I'm staring at the floor like a kid in trouble.

"OK," she says uncertainly. "OK."

"Is it OK?" I ask.

I'm surprised. I would have thought she'd be furious.

"Well, yeah, of course," she says. "I know you stay friends with your exes. I just sort of wish you'd told me you'd made plans with her before you left. I would have been fine with it."

Here it is. Here comes the lecture.

"Don't start giving me hassle," I moan.

"Wha... Harry I'm not," she says indignantly. "I'm fine with it, really. I'm not the clingy type, you know that."

"So what's with all the questions?" I fire at her.

"What questions?"

"You - interrogating me about Nadine. I don't need that."

I knew she'd be pissed off about it.

"I'm not, Harry," she says softly. "I was just asking how it all came about because I didn't know you'd planned to meet up with her, that's all. But I'm fine with it, honestly."

"I don't have to tell you everything," I remind her.

"I didn't say you did," she says calmly. "I don't want to argue, Squidge."

Squidge.

That word brings me back down to earth and I realise I'm being a prick.

"'m sorry," I mutter, feeling ashamed at the way I have just spoken to her. Why do I behave like an arse when I'm in the wrong? It must be some sort of defence mechanism.

"It's OK," she says quietly.

"I'm really drunk. I should probably go back to the hotel."

No sooner is this out of my mouth Jeff shouts, "One more drink!"

"One more!" I agree. "I gotta go, baby," I say into the phone.

"OK," she says. "Have fun. And just be careful."

"I will," I promise. I lower my voice. "I love you, Jess."

I love her so much.

"I love you too," she murmurs. "Call me tomorrow when you wake up."

We say our goodbyes and Jeff appears with a shot of tequila. I pull a face, but he is buzzing off whatever he's taken tonight and I can't help but giggle at the look on his face. We down the shots together and then stagger back to our table.

They're all starting to get rowdy, so I take a few minutes to myself to think about my conversation with Jess just now. I just spoke to her like shit. What the hell is wrong with me? She was really understanding about me meeting up with Nadine, but deep down I know she'll be upset that I didn't tell her, and that I blurted it out on the phone like that. I'm being a shit boyfriend. I'm going to have to make it up to her when I see her. I can't wait to see her.

I look over at Nadine, who is now back with her group, and catch Sara's eye again - this is getting awkward now. We both give an embarrassed half-laugh, and then I shift my gaze to see Nadine staring daggers at me. Fuck - she doesn't look impressed.

I look away and then glance back, and it looks like Nadine is arguing with Sara. Fucking hell, she's going for some kind of record today. I concentrate on the conversation at our table, but out of the corner of my eye I can still see their table. Nadine is crying now, and after a minute the entire group stands up and the girls make their way to the exit. I can feel their eyes on me but I keep my gaze fixed firmly on Jeff until they have gone.

I feel like shit. Why is Nadine crying? I have a nasty suspicion it is because of me. Was I too hard on her earlier? I made it obvious I was trying to get her to stop touching me. I didn't mean to upset her, though.

"H, we're going to the next bar in a minute," Jeff says loudly, interrupting my thoughts.

"I think I'll call it a night," I tell him.

"What?" He looks dismayed. "Why?"

"I'm fucking shattered," I sigh. "I think the jet lag is catching up with me. I can hardly remember what time zone I'm in. What time zone am I in?"

"Come on, you can sleep on your flight back tomorrow," he says dismissively with a wave of his hand. "The night is young."

"Nadine's just left in tears," I tell him, but he just shrugs.

"She's a woman. They're always crying over some shit. She'll be fine."

He gets up and goes to the bar where some of our group are being rowdy and laughing. A couple of the guys are clearly off their faces, dancing wildly and waving their arms, and Jeff goes to join them. I wish I could be that relaxed tonight and not give a fuck about anything. I'm so fucking wound up, I feel like I'm about to pop.

I'm calling it a night, I've decided. I'm tired and I want my bed.

I stand up and Jeff grabs hold of my arm and starts dancing with me to the music, but I shake my head at him. "I'm heading off."

"What? You can't, man, it's still early!" he protests.

"I know, but I'm knackered. I need some sleep," I tell him.

"Sleep on the plane," he says. "Sleep when you're dead."

"I need to sleep now," I say, a little shortly.

"You need another drink," he declares.

"I really don't," I reply, with another shake of my head.

"H, you've come all this way for a night out. Don't waste it by going home early."

"The time difference is catching up with me."

"Yeah and I told you, sleep it off on the plane."

"I've got a show in just over forty-eight hours for about fifty thousand people!" I snap, finally losing patience. "I can't wear myself out! I have to be on top form! I can't let the fans down."

He turns away and I'm sure I catch him rolling his eyes slightly.

I turn away from him too and walk angrily to the bathroom, where I lock myself in a toilet cubicle and take a few deep breaths. I don't often get annoyed like this, but he's winding me up. I know it's probably because I'm tired, and I know he has a point: I've come all this way for this night out, and I can sleep on the plane tomorrow. I need an injection of caffeine or something to wake me up and get me through the next couple of hours so I can enjoy myself properly.

I take a piss and then wash my hands and make my way back to the table. Jeff and his friends are wired; they're dancing with their hands in the air and laughing at each other's expressions. He catches sight of me and comes over, grinning.

"Sorry, pal," he says, before I can say anything. "I'm not trying to be an ass. I just think you really need to let go for tonight, yeah? You need to relax. You're so fucking stressed at the moment, you need to have some fun. Let your hair down. I'm worried about you, man."

"I'm fine," I protest, but he interrupts.

"You're not. You're wound up tighter than a fucking spring. It's not healthy."

"I need to talk to Jess," I mutter.

"I know you do. But for tonight just forget it all and have a good time. You can talk to her after your next show, tell her everything. She's crazy about you, right? She'll be fine. You'll both be fine."

I nod. I am wound up, and I know I need to relax.

"Why don't you come with us to the next place for one drink?" he suggests. "Then we'll both call it a night if you want."

"I don't know," I sigh. "I want to, but..."

I want to stay out with them. I want to get hammered and forget all my problems until the morning. But I'm just so fucking tired.

"I get it, you're exhausted," Jeff nods. "You know what you need? A pick-me-up. Just to keep you going for another hour."

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Have you got anything?"

"Sure I have. Well, David's got it, but I can get you some if you want it."

"Coke?"

"Speed. He's branching out."

"Really?" I say, wrinkling my nose. Speed isn't really my thing, nor is it Jeff's.

"I know what you're thinking - not our bag. But seriously, man, it's fucking good stuff. I'm buzzing."

I shrug. All I want is to have a fucking good time.

"Whatever. I'm in," I tell him.

"Awesome. I'll grab him, wait here."

Jeff gets up and wanders off across the bar, and his friend Jason comes and sit down in his empty seat.

"What's up, H?"

"I'm good thanks," I reply. "How are you?"

"Fuckin' wired," he says, grinning. "You coming with us for one more?"

"Yeah," I nod. "Jeff's just sorting me out first."

"Ah." He gives me a knowing look. "I've got some here, if you want it. Been on it all night."

I look around for Jeff but he is nowhere to be seen.

"Speed?" I ask, as discreetly as I can.

"Yeah, you want it?"

I nod, and he gets up and heads to the bathroom again. I have another glance around for Jeff, to tell him I'm sorted, but I can't see him so I wait a minute and then follow Jason to the Gents. He locks the door behind us and pulls out a bag of whitish powder. I hold up my fist, and he cuts a line expertly onto my taut skin (there's no way I'm going near that fucking toilet seat) and hands me a rolled up twenty.

I keep my arm as steady as I can, bend forward, and snort the line quickly off the back of my hand.

And in that moment, my fate is sealed.