(No Control - 69. What Makes You Beautiful, second part)

There's a weird atmosphere on Friday when I arrive at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff. Louis seems on edge, and Niall is in a bad mood. Liam is his usual cheery self, and we exchange knowing looks behind Louis and Niall's backs as we have a quick meeting before lunch with the stadium management. Louis disappears a couple of times on his phone which Niall is quick to jump on, and the two of them bicker quietly as we eat our sandwiches.

We have an hour before sound check and I'm just about to call Jess to see if she's arrived in Cardiff yet, when Louis suddenly speaks up:

"Um, lads, can I have a word?"

He looks terrified, and my stomach drops. I have a horrible feeling this isn't going to be good. What if he wants to leave the band? Liam glances at me nervously and Niall lifts his head to look at Louis questioningly.

"You alright, Tommo?" Liam asks, his brow creased.

Louis clears his throat and his eyes flick away, and my heart gives a sickening lurch.

"Well, yeah, but no," he says. "I need to tell you something."

"Fucking hell, man, don't fuck with us. Are you leaving the band?" Niall asks.

"No," he says, but I don't feel relieved. I stare at him, waiting for this bombshell I can feel he's about to drop.

He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.

"I'm, uh, I'm going to be a dad."

There is silence.

Literally silence.

We stare at him.

He isn't laughing.

Is this a joke?

I look over at Niall whose mouth is open slightly. I feel Liam's gaze shift to me, and I turn my head to look at him. His expression probably mirrors mine. Total disbelief.

"What?" Liam says eventually.

"Briana's pregnant," he says. "She's due next year. Apparently I'm the dad."

"Woah," Liam says quietly.

"Fuck - seriously?" Niall asks, his lip half curled in a confused snarl.

Louis nods. "That's what she's saying. Obviously we can't prove it until the baby is born and then I'll be taking a DNA test straight away."

More silence.

"When... what...?" Liam begins.

"I slept with her a few times over in LA," Louis elaborates. "It was just a casual thing. Mostly drunk, you know how it is..."

"No," I blurt. "I don't know how it is. What the fuck?"

I don't intend this to sound as harsh as it does, and Louis looks over at me in nervous surprise.

"I was pretty trashed when I was partying in LA," he says. "I was off my face most nights, just enjoying living the single life. I just wanted to let my hair down after the stress of the first leg of the tour, and my break-up with El. I needed to blow off some steam."

"And what better way than to get someone pregnant?" I retort sarcastically.

"Harry," Liam says softly, and Louis for once is lost for words.

"How do you feel, mate?" Niall asks.

Louis gives a shrug and runs his hand over his hair before resting it on his knee. "Still trying to take it all in."

"Do you think there's a good chance it's yours?" Niall asks bluntly, and Louis shrugs again.

"We can't do a paternity test without putting the kid at risk before it's born," Louis explains. "I was sleeping with her around the time she would have conceived, so there's a good chance."

"Didn't you use a fucking condom?" I snap.

Why is everyone so calm about this? Can't they see he is single-handedly putting the band at risk of ruin?

"Yeah, course we did. Most of the time, I think. Look, I gotta be honest, I was trashed so some parts are hazy, but I remember using them at times. But I'm not gonna lie - I don't remember every single time."

"You stupid fucking twat," I breathe.

Niall snaps his head up to look at me in shock.

"Harry," Liam says again, in the same placating tone, and it only serves to inflame the anger that is slowly building in me.

Fucking Louis, and his fucking dick. It's as bad as his fucking mouth, running away with him all the time. He's never taken this band seriously - he's always starting stupid arguments on Twitter, making ridiculous demands to management, thinking he's the fucking dog's bollocks, without ever having to face real responsibility.

"Oh come on," I snap. "I'm only saying what the rest of you are thinking. What do you expect me to do? Congratulate him and start organising a fucking baby shower?"

"Chill out, mate," Liam says quietly.

"You fucking chill out," I reply, furiously. "He needs to chill out less, and wake up more," I add, gesturing to Louis who is staring at me with his mouth open. "What the fuck did you think would happen if you go sticking your knob in any easy target without protection? Didn't anyone ever explain the birds and the bees to you?"

"You're out of order - shut up," Niall says, standing up next to me. I hadn't even noticed I'd got to my feet.

"Don't talk about Briana like that," Louis says uncomfortably. It's the first words he's spoken since I started laying into him.

"Oh, you're worried about defending her honour?" I mock. "She's just got the golden ticket - she won't give a shit about what people are saying about her! She'll be tied to you for life, sponging off you, bleeding you dry! You fucking idiot, can't you see what's right in front of you?!"

My fury is radiating from me in waves. My hands are balled at my sides in fists. How could he have been so fucking stupid?

"Oh because your relationship is just perfect isn't it," he mutters.

"What did you just say?" I ask, my voice trembling.

"Lads, we all just need to calm down," Liam says, standing up too and crossing the room to stand next to Louis.

"I am calm!" I snap.

"You're behaving like a dickhead," Niall interrupts. "Sit the fuck down and shut up. Louis doesn't need this shit. Fucking hell."

"You don't know the first thing about my relationship," I spit, glaring at Louis.

"I know everything about your fucking relationship because you're always fucking moaning about it," Louis retorts. "Mooning around like a lovesick puppy, writing songs about her... Jesus... fucking man up."

"Fuck you," I tell him, and he smirks.

I see red.

"What the fuck is that smirk for?" I ask aggressively, raising my voice, but he doesn't answer. "Oh what, you think that's what she wants, do you? You think Jess wants to fuck you? You wish. I've seen the way you flirt with her, giving her secret looks when you think I don't notice. Well she's not interested, dickhead, and she certainly won't be now you've got baggage!"

"Harry, Jesus fucking Christ," Niall says, standing in front of me and putting his hand on my chest. "What the hell, man? This isn't you - what the fuck are you playing it?"

"Me?!" I shout in disbelief, looking down at Niall. "What am I playing at?! I'm not the one who's knocked up some gold digger, who right now is probably laughing all the way to the fucking bank!"

"You need to shut your mouth," Louis hisses. "Who the fuck do you think you are speaking to me like this? You're not the lead singer of this fucking band, as much as you want to be. You don't call all the shots."

"Tommo," Liam says, putting his hand on Louis' arm.

"Is that what you think?!" I yell. "That I want to be the lead singer? You're even more stupid than I thought. Although you wouldn't exactly be in the running for that job, would you?"

Fuck - I've gone too far.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Louis shouts back, but I can see a flash of hurt in his eyes.

Fuck fuck fuck.

"I mean with your impending daddy responsibilities," I fire back quickly. "You're hardly going to be up for any fucking overtime are you?"

"That's not what you meant," Louis says with a shake of his head.

"Course it fucking is," I reply, hoping I'm convincing him.

I feel like a fucking tosser. What the hell am I doing, screaming at him like this? I deserve a punch in the face, the way I'm behaving. I can't believe I took a cheap shot at his vocal abilities. I didn't even mean it, I just knew it would hurt him.

"You're a fucking prick," Louis throws at me. "I don't blame Jess for kicking you to the kerb the first chance she got. You're determined to ruin every relationship, aren't you? No wonder she flirts with me all the time."

"Oh and don't you just love that?!" I yell, furious again. "You're determined to wind me up over her. You just don't know when to stop!"

"I don't know when to stop?" Louis repeats softly in disbelief. "Go and take a look in the mirror, dickhead. Go fuck yourself."

"Lou," Liam says softly, trying to catch Louis' arm as he turns away and storms out of the room.

"Let him go," Niall says gently to Liam.

"No - I'm going to make sure he's alright," Liam says, throwing a glare at me. "You stay here and talk some sense into this twat." He inclines his head at me before leaving the room and slamming the door behind him. In the silence that is left behind I hear his footsteps jogging down the corridor and an echoey shout of, "Tommo!" in the distance.

In the room I am acutely aware of my own pounding heart, my rapid breathing and the blood whooshing in my ears.

I have no idea what just happened. I have never screamed at anyone like I just screamed at Louis. I didn't even know I had it in me. What the hell is happening to me?

"Harry, what's going on?" Niall is asking as he leads me back to the sofa and we sit down.

"Nothing, I... I don't know," I mutter.

"I've seen you get wound up, but never like that," he says. "Why did you go at Louis like that?"

"I don't know," I repeat.

Except deep down I do know. I know why I flew at Louis. This has been building in me for a while, and the baby revelation just tipped me over the edge and gave me the excuse I was looking for to let my feelings out.

I'm so fucking jealous of him, and I don't know how to handle it.

I'm jealous of the way Jess flirts with him. I'm jealous of the way she talks to him, of the way she talks about him, of the way she looks at him when he's in the room. I know she's said it's just a fangirl thing (precisely the reason why we're warned not to date fans) but I can't help thinking he eggs her on. He knows she fancies him and he enjoys winding me up by encouraging her.

But my anger is slowly ebbing away, replaced by shame.

I just yelled at my best mate when he was at his most vulnerable. I didn't ask him how he was feeling about becoming a dad at twenty-three. He has the whole world at his feet, we're part of the most successful boy-band in the world at the moment, and potentially that could all change because he made one mistake. He must be feeling like shit right now, and I have just made everything ten times worse.

If I'm terrified of the band splitting up, how must he be feeling? His whole life is about to be turned upside down. We won't be able to tour the next album if he's got a kid in tow. We're all so young, just starting out, and now he's tied down to the responsibility of a kid with a girl he's known for one month. Idiot.

But fuck, poor Louis.

"I know," Niall nods from beside me, and I realise I have been saying all these jumbled thoughts out loud.

"Fuck," I mutter.

"Briana's hit the jackpot alright," Niall sighs.

"I shouldn't have called her a gold digger in front of Louis," I say, hanging my head in shame.

"No, but I'm sure it's crossed everyone's mind," Niall says diplomatically. "What's important is that we're here for him and we support him. And we don't make him feel like shit, no matter what personal insecurities we've got going on," he adds, meaningfully.

"I know," I mumble, putting my head in my hands.

"You don't really think he's trying to come between you and Jess do you?" Niall asks skeptically.

"Not exactly," I admit. "I know it's mostly in my head, but he loves to goad me, you know how he is."

"That's just Tommo," Niall shrugs. "If he finds a weakness he'll exploit it. He's a wind-up merchant. Don't take it personally."

"I know," I nod. "I don't usually. It's just with Jess... I hate it when they flirt."

"You date fans, you play with fire," he says, matter-of-factly. "She's really got under your skin, hasn't she?" he adds, after a pause.

"Mmmphh," I grunt, non-committally.

We sit in silence for a couple of minutes until Niall farts, breaking the tension.

"Fuck's sake," I moan, getting up and moving away to escape the smell as he cackles delightedly. "How old are you?"

"Older than you," he reminds me, childishly.

Before I can respond the door opens and Liam comes back in, looking hesitant.

"It's alright, Harry's stopped throwing knives now," Niall says, stretching out on the sofa.

"Thank fuck for that- what is that smell?" Liam asks, wrinkling his nose.

"Harry farted," Niall says immediately.

"Fuck off!" I exclaim as he cracks up again, and Liam makes a noise of disgust and waves his arm around to disperse the smell.

"How's Louis?" I ask tentatively once Niall has stopped laughing.

"Not great," Liam replies shortly.

"Sorry," I say in a small voice.

"Not me you should be apologising to," he says.

"I know - I'll speak to Louis. Where is he?"

"He's here," Louis says from the doorway. "Fucking stinks in here."

We all look over at him nervously.

"Was that you, Nialler?" he asks, coming into the room and sitting on the sofa, avoiding my eye.

"No it was Harry," Niall lies, but no one laughs.

"Sorry for being a dick," I say to Louis, but he doesn't look up. "Seriously," I say, a bit louder. "I'm sorry. Are you OK? About the baby stuff, I mean?"

"Been better," he shrugs, still not looking at me.

"I didn't mean any of that shit before. I was just wound up. Please can we forget it?"

He shrugs again. "Whatever."

There is an awkward silence, and then a knock on the open door. Alex and Tori are standing there wearing their On The Road Again t-shirts and Alex is holding a clipboard.

"Ready for sound check?" he asks.

"Yep," Louis says, jumping up quickly and walking towards the door.

"Lou," I call, and he reluctantly turns around as Liam and Niall slip past him out the door. "I really am sorry," I say sincerely when he finally looks me in the eye.

"It's fine," he says, in a tone that implies it is far from fine.

"It's not," I insist. "I was way over the line. I was a knobhead. I was just lashing out because I was jealous of you and Jess, OK?"

There, I fucking said it.

A brief smirk passes over Louis' lips. "Well at least you finally admitted it," he says.

"I'm sorry," I say, for what feels like the millionth time. "I know it isn't an excuse but it's the reason. And I'll sort myself out, I promise."

"She wasn't wrong when she said you needed to sort out your priorities," he remarks. "Get over yourself and stop blaming me for everything. I'm not going to change. Jess is a great girl and I'm not going to change how I act around her just because you've got a fucking inferiority complex. So deal with it."

"I will," I nod, fervently. "Are you OK, though? How do you feel about being a dad?"

"I'm getting on with it," he says abruptly. "I just need time to get my head around it. I need my friends and family to be on board with me, though."

I consider myself told.

"Sorry," I apologise again.

"Come on," he says, walking back to the doorway. "You don't want another bollocking from Alex for holding up sound check again."

And I catch the faintest smirk on his lips before he disappears through the open door.