[tw: ptsd + panic attacks]

EVEN IN MY DESPERATE PANIC, MY FEET FOUND THE STAIRS EVEN IN THE DARK OF NIGHT, BOUNDING UP ONE AFTER ANOTHER, THE FAMILIAR SENSATION OF RUNNING AND THE SOUND OF MY FEET THUMPING TO THE CREAKY WOOD HELPED KEEP ME FOCUSED IN THE NOW.

I wasn't in that interrogation room anymore. I wasn't a prisoner shackled to what I had thought would be my deathbed. My mind wasn't being ripped apart and my innermost thoughts and memories weren't being cruelly invaded. I was Poe Dameron, Commander of the Resistance, and I was safe. Well, as safe as I could be. I was still on a mission, after all. I had dedicated my life to the Resistance's cause, it was what I had signed up for. I didn't know that I was signing up for these scars, but that comes with the job, I suppose. Push them aside like a good soldier, I had been told, just work through it.

My feet skidded to a stop when I got to the roof. The sky was dark, covered in stars, and with the glass overlay extending over the city, I could faintly see the drizzle of raindrops. The starry night sky here was beautiful, I realized, when it wasn't covered by rainclouds. The city was beautiful, too. The stacked sandstone buildings with clotheslines hanging out of apartment windows, the way the covered carts of the vendors looked when one looked down on the marketplace. I saw a couple of bounty hunters positioned as guards at the wall's entrance, probably making crude jokes and laughing amongst themselves. I saw one lift a bottle to his lips. I had no issue with bounty hunters, so that they choose that life and do it honorably and well, to corrupt people who deserved it, but there was absolutely no need to be cruel to others the way that they did.

A small breeze passed through my hair, drying the tears on my face. I blinked and wiped them away, taking a step on the small ledge that separated me from certain death from a fall to below. This city was the ending point for a lot of innocent people, thanks to those bounty hunters laughing and drinking down below. Too many lives lost unfairly, and for what? Their pleasure. I looked down below, my feet nearing the point of no return.

What a beautiful place to die.

"P-Poe," A shaky voice came from behind me. As I turned, I saw Alya, a ghost of a girl with freckles painting the sky on her cheeks. Her eyes were wide but her voice was firm when she told me, "Step away from there." It wasn't a question, it was a command. She needed me to.

I gaped at her for a moment, unmoving. It was a silent stalemate as we stared at one another. I could see the fear in her eyes, and briefly I thought she was crying, but I brushed that notion away. She surely couldn't have been, why would she be?

"You should have just gone back to sleep," I joked weakly, slowly sitting down on the ledge, swinging my legs over the edge.

"After that, I don't think I could bring myself to," Alya whispered, her face still white with fright. She slowly approached me and sat, hugging her knees to her chest. She studied my face, scanning for any sign. She could see the ache in my red, raw eyes. And then her gaze fell to my knuckles turning white as I gripped the edge. Her eyes darted nervously back in forth, and I saw her bite her lip. "You need to get away from that ledge."

I ignored her. "Did I wake anyone else up?"

Her pink lips pursed for thought. "No," she said at first. "Well, yes, actually, Sabik didn't know what was going on, but I told him to fuck off and go back to sleep."

I looked off, out at Doria's nighttime city landscape. "Thank you."

She nodded, her brow knit in concern. "Poe.." She began breathily, but I stopped her.

"Don't."

She flinched and stopped. "What- why?"

"Forgive me, but I'm not really in the mood for your insults, not now. I can't just brush this sort of stuff off."

She looked hurt. "What is this sort of stuff, anyway? A nightmare? And look, I know I joke around a lot but I don't mean it all the time.." She looked off, emotion shining in her eyes. "I don't mean it a lot of the time.."

"Well then, I don't deserve your pity, that's pathetic."

"Does it look like I'm pitying you? Get your head out of the cockpit, Dameron. You aren't pathetic."

I grit my teeth, trying my damnest to not to let more tears fall as I glared at her. "You should still leave."

"Fat chance of that." She said sternly, adjusting in her seat, getting more comfortable. She wasn't planning on seceding. I could see that familiar fire in her eyes, but what I hadn't noticed before was the warmth that radiated out from within, telling me that it was going to be alright. Her speak was firm, but what she said was kind and somehow, exactly what I needed to hear. "I'm not leaving you. You are not going through this alone. You don't deserve that, no one does."

I looked up at her, confusion in my glassy eyes.

"And I'm not going to be a prick like I usually am, don't worry. I know I can be difficult, but there's a time and place for that." Her hard look met mine. "Honestly, Poe," She said languidly, "I'm grateful the Resistance sent someone who was able to deal with me. I'm glad they sent you."

My breath hitched. "You don't mean that."

"I do."

The look in her eyes was genuine, and for the first time I had ever seen her look at me, it was soft. It made me feel soft just looking at it, so I looked away. "I wasn't going to jump, you know."

I saw conflict on her face, maybe relief, then her mouth settled into a pointed frown. "That's good.. But I-I just don't like seeing you this way." She managed out, her voice shaking.

"What, emotional and completely pathetic?" I snorted, wiping my glassy eyes, but she didn't find it funny. Her face studied me, her brow set, and she was silent. "What, it is pathetic, just look at me."

Her voice sounded hurt and concerned, hushed and breathy. Her hand reached out to me, clasping it in hers. "You really think that about yourself, Poe? Pathetic?"

"When I get like this, I do." I croaked out. "But this isn't me. This can't be, I wasn't this person before it happened."

"What happened, Poe?"

I sniffled, slipping my hand away from hers and burying my head in my hands. My chest heaved painfully.

I thought of that room, dark and small, uncomfortable binding on my wrists. I couldn't do anything to prevent the invasive grab of control as my mind split in two.. It was no longer my mind, my personal thoughts, they were his.

Alya noted my uncomfortable silence, and her words came out in a nervous jumble. "Y-You don't have to talk about it if you aren't comfortable, I-I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to pressure you.."

"It's alright.." I said bitterly. My throat felt scratchy and stiff as I swallowed hard and continued. No one except for Leia knew this about me, and only because that woman was able to read me like a book, page by page. I trusted Leia more than anyone in this god-forsaken, fucked-up world.

"Th-There was a time about a year ago.." I began, tears threatening but I continued anyway. Alya nodded her head gently, easing me through as I found my words, her comforting gaze reminding me of another dream, one I hadn't though about in a long time, one much more pleasant than the one I was reliving now. "I was captured by the First Order and my mind was torn apart.

"Y-you may know him as Kylo Ren now, but to me, his name is Ben Solo. He used to be kind." I paused for a moment, my bottom lip trembling. Alya's eyes met mine and she saw they were blank, devoid of all hope. My voice was hollow when I spoke. "In fact, he used to be my best friend. Now, he's a monster.

"When he ransacked my sanity, searching for Resistance plans and whatever he could take from me to break me, he-he reached some memories he'd rather not have seen. That only made his fury worse, ripping me apart even harder.

"He peered into my memories, seeing images of my beautiful mother, Shara, smiling as she was, raising me whenever she could be home, which wasn't much, and then he saw the day she left. It was the last time I ever saw her. Those memories weren't his to take, they were personal, they were loved, and they were mine." Hot tears streamed down my face like lava, but I didn't even care now. "And then after he saw that, I guess he wasn't even satisfied, because he only pried more. He saw his own mother, Leia, next, who was more of a mother to me than he ever appreciated her for. He didn't deserve her.

"The last memory he saw was the worst," I whispered, my lips split and my eyes puffy. I stared out at her, but not even at her. I didn't even register her. I stared out at the dark sky beyond her, the sky full of stars making a crown over her pretty dark curls. "It was me and Ben playing together, laughing, as kids. That was when he broke me."

Alya's eyes brimmed with tears. She stared at me for a long while in silence, tear tracks staining down her cheeks, digesting my trauma, the story of a soldier who was yet another pawn in this game of war. I had been thrown out by someone who used to be my best friend, someone whom I had trusted but didn't even recognize any more. Alya's voice was cracked and unstable when she finally spoke. "I-I'm so sorry, you didn't deserve that.."

I shook my head, my curls flopping as I tried to clear my mind. I took a deep breath, looking out at Doria. "It's just, I don't like thinking about it." I said after a moment. "Most days I ignore it, don't deal with it, so I don't have to get in that headspace. But sometimes things happen around me that just cause this gut reaction, visceral stressors that force me to relive it. I don't have a choice whether or not those memories come flooding back."

"Oh my God, di-did I do something to trigger it?" Alya trembled, sounding horrified. Her hands flew to cover her mouth.

"N-not you.." I bit my lip. I knew I had to say it, but it was going to be hard for me to face Alya's reaction. So I just spit it out. "It was Sza.. her call mainly set me off, she-she was in my head, it was all too similar, too-too much the same, and I couldn't deal, and-"

"She- she didn't mean it," Alya stammered out. "She c-couldn't have known."

"No, no, I know that," I shook my head, choking back tears. "She couldn't have. I don't blame her. I blame.. Myself."

"You blame yourself?"

"I shouldn't be even thinking about this," I murmured, my eyes dark. "I should be over this, shouldn't I? I'm weak for being set off by it. There are more important things in this galaxy to be concerned with."

"That's.." Alya's voice drifted off, but re-emerged with a sense of heated fury. "That's absolutely not true. It's his fault, he's the one who did this to you. Everyone has their own demons, everyone copes with trauma in their own way. There is no set time for recovery, Poe. It's not something to be ashamed about."

My tongue clicked softly on the roof of my mouth, a weak smile forming. "Look, it's nice that you're lying to me," I said. "But I don't think you know what I'm talking about."

Her bloodshot eyes softened as she let out a huff. "Maybe not exactly," She said. "But like I said, everyone has their demons, including me."

My eyes flashed sharply in her direction, my breath hitching. I watched as her body language changed, shifted, lucid and telling of her discomfort. She seemed embarrassed and afraid of my reaction. But despite this, she began to choke out the words.

"I've never told anyone this before in my life," confessed Alya breathlessly, burying her knees into her chest tightly. "But when I was young, I used to dream of a woman with flowers in her hair. She was very beautiful. Kind, but sad. She'd come to me, speaking of things I was to do in the future, calling me to lead, advising me in my dreams.. but she's since stopped. I haven't dreamt of her in a long time. The last time I did, she only told me that she'd come to me when it was time."

"I used to dream of a gentle woman like that when I was younger too," I whispered, smiling softly. "It was my mother. Was.. was it yours?"

"No," She shook her head, her eyes shut tightly. "I don't think so, but I think I see someone else sometimes that I think is her. She.. holds me. I hear her voice, it's similar to mine, that's one of the only things about her that Grandmother would ever tell me about her. I was only ever told that they didn't want me, they dropped me off in the woods, ran off, and Grandmother took me in. Being told stuff like that, being treated like that when you were only a child, it messes up your mind. Sometimes I think I was just another piece of dirt they needed to throw away and discard of, not good enough toe even try and keep."

I opened my dry mouth to reply, trying to form the words that I so wanted to tell her, but she continued before I could even begin.

"Look, it takes me a lot for me to be comfortable around someone. That's just something I'm always going to have to deal with. It's like, if they aren't going to stick around, then why bother? But I have to remember that there's still hope. I believe souls are inherently good, and I always try and give it my heart, but nine times out of ten it backfires. I don't mind the emotion. Emotion isn't something to be scared of. It makes us stronger. More human." She finally raised her head, slowly meeting my own gaze. "You don't have to be scared anymore, Poe."

My heart panged. It had felt so conflicted for so long, so torn in two from the rubble of that day where I had felt I had lost my mind.

But now, everything had slid into place. Looking into her vulnerable brown eyes, it finally made sense.

My hands gently found her face, cupping her chin. I could feel her hot breath hitch, I could hear her heart crackling like fire as I drew close. Her gaze was soft, uncertain, unsure, demure. She understood. Time moves impossibly slowly, my thumb grazing back and forth across her cheek with tender affection. I looked at her lips temptingly and bit my own.

But I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I felt the onslaught of tears coming in. My throat choked back painfully as I jerked my head away from her and wiped my eyes furiously. My face burned red with shame and one word rung in my ears, over and over again.

Pathetic.

I felt a soft touch on my shoulder. Looking over, the only thing on Alya's face was concern. She looked crestfallen. I'm sure she must be dejected, confused even, but her voice in that moment only sounded concerned.

"Let's.." She said softly, soothingly. Her lips brushed the top of my head as she stood, taking my hand and urging me to stand. "Let's just go to bed."

We walked back into the house, leaving the rooftop and the starry night sky and falling into bed. The pillow had been forgotten, discarded onto the floor. I took my respective side, she took hers, and I had imagined we would just fall back into the arms of sleep, though I was scared to. I was prepared to face it alone yet again. I was surprised when I felt Alya cuddle up next to me, us facing one another, and her hug me, burying her cheek against my chest. My heart began to beat out of my chest and I was confused, almost feeling like I was hyperventilating again.

I had never experienced this sort of closeness at the base, never.

"This always helps me," She murmured into my skin. "When I was young and was just beginning to get the nightmares and the panic attacks, I would cuddle up against my Grandmother."

"This, this feels nice." I breathed out, finally relaxing. My arms wrapped around her, my fingers tangled in her hair.

Our chests began to rise and fall with one another, our breaths mingling and sighing, drifting off to sleep to the comforting rhythm.

After a long while, Alya spoke. I don't even know if she knew I was still awake.

"Poe, it isn't selfish to take care of yourself." She told me in a low murmur.

I didn't answer her. I only pulled her tighter to myself, burying her head in my chest, and shushed her.

I wanted to remember this feeling. Who knew when I would be so lucky to feel like this again.

I felt safe.

•••
A/N: holy cow that was a doozy of a chapter. super long, and writing it took a lot out of me! i completely poured myself into this, really connecting with the way poe feels. honestly i'm very glad to be done with this chapter, it's really emotionally draining!
but hey, i hope you all enjoyed it. leave a vote or a comment if you did, it means a lot ♡
xx Natalie