Now I know I'm being used
That's okay because I like the abuse
I know she's playing with me
That's okay 'cause I've got no self-esteem

Self-esteem ~ The Offspring  

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#2 Kurtis Mangus Rader ~ Stats

Varsity Football: Starting Left Tackle, Offense and Defense
Varsity Wrestling: Starting Biggest Buff Asf Guy?
Varsity Baseball: Designated Homerun Hitter.
Nickname: Self-proclaimed nickname "Raider the Invader". Known colloquially in the girl's locker room as "Cromag Kurt". For his Cro-Magnon like bony unibrow and his slower than normal thinking. But I affectionally call him Invid, for the several outbreaks of crabs at school I assume he has been responsible for.
Redeeming Qualities: All around party animal and designated kegmeister for every Beer-Pong-Bong-Bang.
Mental Notes: Even if Invid saw my X-sex tape, he has probably already forgotten it. No thanks to all the brain damage he has inflicted on himself over the years.

The second approach starts just as soon as I walk into my new homeroom classroom. Two steps through the door and my path is blocked by a massive smiling monster of a boy. All two hundred and twenty pounds of pure dumb muscle mass, stuffed into a football jersey. Just standing around looking stupid, for all the world to see. Or in my case, blocking my way to finding a decent seat to snatch in the far corner by the windows.   

Personally, I think that every high school everywhere has one of these guys? The big dumb and almost harmless football player prototype. The kind who constantly "conversates" in monosyllabic catchphrases to get him through the day. Who you already know that high school is it for him. That this will in fact, actually be the best four years of this poor dumb dogs life. Because when he can no longer be cool being big dumb, he will have no clue what to do with himself anymore. 

"Hey Roxy, coaches kid." Kurtis beams down at my chest, like a slow child looking for some sugary snacks.

"Hey Invid, football player." I snort in retort to this particular piece of stupidity.

"So you look like you got toned and tanned. So whad'ya do this summer to look so good ...Roxanne?" He mugs down at the back of my school track sweats.

Translation: See I totally just complimented your yoga ass right there. Oh, and I even remembered your whole name after a whole three months of not using it! So just let me know if you ever wanna come have sex on my pee-pee parts sometime? But no pressure ...unless you like pressure? Then just let me know with little words and I'll see what I can do about that?

"Oh, I spent the summer volunteering to teach mentally handicapped football players how to think again." An obviously lie, especially seeing that is exactly what I am doing at the moment.

"Oh, okay cool ...good looks." He smiles so simplistically, I almost feel bad for messing with his poor big dumb head. Well, almost anyways?

I've known Kurtis since we moved to Sterling three years ago, right after my parent's horrible divorce. Sadly, I sorta-kinda actually like Kurtis as a person sometimes? Meh, well maybe more or less? Truth is Kurtis is also so uncomplicated it almost hurts. Sure as shit he's a bit simple in the head. All he wants to get laid and played, just like everybody else in high school. But at least Kurt owns his truth and is right up front about his extremely low standards. Which in his own sad little way, might actually make him the most honest guy I know at school?

Kurtis was also one of the few football players who never followed my X-Asshole around last year like his shit didn't stink. Who told me after worst break up in the history of high school to quote: "Hang in there, Roxanne? That fucker Cross is a fag ...but not in the good gay way? In the other way ...the bad South Park way."  I'm still not exactly sure what Kurt was trying to say with all that? But nonetheless, I really appreciated the much-needed negativity on some level.

I take the pause in the conversation, to grab an open seat along the wall where I can see whatever is going on outside the windows. Unfortunately, Kurtis trails after me still trying to talk to me with whatever words he can currently muster up. 

"So did ja hear about Shep's party on Sat, yet?" He simplifies everything down into his standard monosyllabic talking points.

Unlike Kyle Reilly, Kurtis isn't big on beating around the bush. Which just gave me a horrible mental visual of Kurtis playing with himself over the bamboo bush in front of my house. Dogdamn, that sounds awful even in my head! Eject that thought into my mental trash incinerator, and burn with the rest of the trash!

"Yes Kurtis, I did actually hear about the big Pong-Bong-Bang bash at Shepard Grayson's house." I sigh and try to shake him off. "But I'm already not going with Kyle Reilly, so there ya go."

"Oh, okay, cool." He nods along, before failing yet another IQ test. "Then maybe I'll see you there then?"

"Or maybe not?" I smile sweetly. "You never know stuff, right Kurtis? I could be in a far better place by then?" You know, maybe like lying dead in a ditch somewhere just outside of Barstow, out on old Zyzzyx road?

"Yeah, I don't know stuff?" Kurtis slowly scowls out, owning his truest truth.

With that last koan intoned, me an Invid are now done talking with words. As I spy his slow eyes drift over to one of the Spirit Girls walking in the door, Kristi Something? So there is now no point in talking any more words to the Cromag Kurt today. 

Kristi was the one few lithe chicks who probably didn't sleep with my X-Antichrist last year. But only because I know that she was already involved in her own strange sordid love triangle. Her particulars happened to be with two swimmer studs, who might have been more into each other than her? Sorta like a ménage à trois that she was somehow routinely left out of on a regular?

Apparently, she was so stupid she never understood she was the trophy unicorn girlfriend for a couple of not so closeted Waterpolo players. But to be honest, I think she was one of the only girls in school who may have actually had a worse breakup then mine? But then again what do I know? Maybe she was using those poor swimming studs as cover for her own crazy cake kinks?   

"Oh hey, Kristi Spirit Girl...you look tan and toned? Whad'ja do this summer to look sooo good?" Kurt beams and trundles off towards the next victim of his limited charms.

"Omigod thank you, Kurt! That is so nice of you to notice." Kristi practically gushes and latches on to Invid's massive bicep.

Yep, we have us a winner! This brain dead bleached blonde bubblegum bimbo just thanked Invid for a pathetic pre-packaged pickup line. Confirming for me that she is in fact, the complete moron I always thought she might be all along.

"Well, like let's see? I think I mostly swam like a million laps in the pool? And then dance camp totally kicked my butt!" She beams brightly back at Invid. "Oh, and did you hear about what happened with Matt and Sarah this summer? OMI-GAW'D that was so totally wrong, right!?!"

"Yeah, totally wrong right?" Kurt's big brow bone furrows down hard, trying to parse his way through her strange spirit slanguage.  

"Oh, you mean the dumbest drunk hookup ever? That was posted anonymously online on Facebook for everyone to see including me?" I mentally answer for Kurtis, just trying to help him out a little.

"Oh, you already knew about that too?" She sort of pouts about not being really relevant anymore. "Okay, but let me tell you about it anyway? Because I was totally right there when everything went down this summer."

I can already hear her moronic mental monologue starting up a spirit séance.

Whoo-hoo! Other people's problems are way more interesting than I am! Which is probably why I never-ever-ever miss an episode of the Kardashian whores! Blah blah blah I wanna be a ho ho ho, just like my heroes Kim and Courtney. But not Chloe because she is way too weighty and super sad to be me. Blah blah blah ...pretry please like me a little, so I can super smile?

Yeah, I am thinking these two totally deserve each other to death. So I am already shipping them together as "Kurtsti". Cause if these two crazy kids can't make a go of it? What hope is there for the rest of us sad souls? So I wish Kurtsti well, as I turn my attention away from the morning announcements and back to my own ongoing mental monologue of offtopic observations on the state of all things high school hell. 

Yeah, Invid is one of those not so rare guys, that when he finds something that works for him, he sticks with it...until it's beaten to death. Not unlike his future Zombie girlfriend. Or like that horrible bamboo bush?

But upside, if zombies ever do attack? Kurt is so first on their lunch list. He's perfect for them, big, dumb and with a lot body bulk to munch on. Yeah, Kurtis is gonna keep the dead fed for a long time. Hopefully, while the rest of us get away and make our way to the athletic equipment room, to arm up with bats and field hockey sticks.

I have pretty much everything already worked out in my head as part of my Zombie Apocalypse plan. All I need is for Kurtis to be the bait, in order so that I can make my escape. I can just hear the first snack attack in my head now.

"Hey hot Zombie chick, what ja do this summer to look so good? You look toned and tanned. Well not really that tan...and kind of pale and rotten smelly. But what the hell, points are points, right? Arggh...what the hell zombie chick? How about a little less teeth please!"

Ewww! Eject that into mental trash along with the bamboo bush beating. Dogdammit, burn bush burn!

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