You can go out with whoever you want to
Every boy, every boy, in the whole world could be yours
If you'll just listen to my plan
The Teenage Guide To popularity

Popular by Nada Surf

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Today is the first day back to school, for my fourth and final year here in high school hell. I've already been hit up on by four different guys, and it is not even lunch yet. And if I was anybody else besides me, I might even be flattered by all the attention? Maybe even let it go to my head a little? That this year I was the cool new hot shit "It Chick" at Sterling High. That I was pretty and popular and everything that everyone has ever wanted to be ...I have "It". But unfortunately for everyone, I am still just me. So I know dogdamn well that I am sofa king not the cool new hot shit "It" chick.

What's even worse is that I want absolutely nothing to do with any of these assholes. Or actually any guys at all really? But let me just go ahead and kill the suspense right away, before anyone assumes some stupid shit about me. No, it's not because I am some suburban lesbian sports stereotype. Just because a girl can play sports better than boys, has nothing to do whatsoever with what gets her going. Sad to say, I am not interested in girls that way, so I am stuck being just crazy old straight me instead. (Sigh.) So "just crazy old straight me", wants nothing to do with these any of these assholes whatsoever. 

And why not? One might ask ...if anyone cared at all?

Top three reasons to hate my own so-called life at the moment.

Uno ~ Let's start with the first, and arguably the worst reason. Last year, I got burned so unbelievably bad by my X-Asshole boy-fiend thing, that I should have legally changed my name to Charlene Cole. Char Cole for short. (Get it, I am charcoal now, cause I got burnt so bad?) Because I didn't just have a bad break up, I had a freaking relationship exorcism of epic proportions.

Deux ~ All these excuses for human excrement that are hitting on me are all Varsity Jock Straps. Exactly like my asshole X-Antichrist was when he was here at Sterling last year. Before he left my burnt-to-ash ass in the rearview for greener pastures at college. But at least I don't have to see his face again this year, which is something that I am forever thankful for.  

Tres ~ Last but not least, I am apparently on the fucking Hit List again. Which is probably going to take a little explaining for the uninitiated here in hell?

So every year at Sterling High, all the assholes on the varsity jockstrap sports gather together before school starts. Where they make up a game of all the "doable chicks" at school, known colloquially as the Hit List. Oh, and get this shit, they even have extra bonus points for Virgin Sacrifices. Which I will explain in detail later when it becomes relevant again. But suffice it to say, the Hit List is one of those truly awful things that only high school boys can do to girls, in order to erode their sense of self-worth and sanity.

So without further ado, I present to you the four horsemen of the apocalypse on the first day back in hell. In order of appearance, but not necessarily importance.

#1 Kyle Reilly Killian ~ Stats 

Varsity Football: Starting Wide Receiver.
Varsity Basketball: Second-String Benchwarmer Whatever.
Varsity Baseball: Starting Shortstop.
Nickname: Known colloquially in the girl's locker room as "Kyler". Mispronounced almost like killer, for his 'killing me softly' soulful baby blue eyes.
Redeeming Qualities: Kyler is a coward. Who I would gladly take in a dark alley and beat to death with a baseball bat. But it's just not worth doing the time for that crime. But maybe might be worth doing some community service ...just so long as it's with stray shelter dogs?
Mental Note: Former sycophant follower and all-around  asskisser of X-asshole. So pretty sure has seen my stupid X-sex video? 

So the first idiot jockstrap that I am forced to deal with this morning is Kyle Reilly aka Kyler. I run into Kyler right outside my dad's office in the athletic building. Yeah, my dad is the head football coach at Sterling. So yay me! ...said no one ever. Unfortunately for me, the conversation goes a little something like this:

"Yo Roxanne, how'ya doing? How was your summer?" Kyler smiles almost shyly, softly blinking his big baby blue eyes over at me. I do note that while his smile seems almost genuinely, it never quite reaches his killer eyes.

Translation: Yo ho! Welcome back to hell! How'ya doing this fine foul first morning? Are you still as crazy cakes as you were last time I saw you? 

"Fine, Kyle Reilly." I semi-lie right back, albeit with a polite scowl. 

Dear demonic diary, please note that I don't bother to ask this idiot how his summer was? Probably because I could care less what this dumb douchebag did since last I laid eyes on him. Unless of course, he got his nuts crushed in a trash compactor by accident? But only because I could really use a good laugh this fine foul first morning back to Hell. 

"Okay, cool." He mugs, while trying to maintain eye contact.  

Translation: Okay whatever, let's talk more about me now.

"So did Coach tell you that I'm starting at wide receiver this year?" He smiles brightly with his sparkling killer eyes.

Translation: Look at me, I am so awesome! Worship me!

"No, we don't really talk about football at home." I lie right back on the attack. "You know, the separation of church and state and all that?"

To be honest, I think that sports are pretty much all me and "coach-dad" talk about at home? Probably because everything else we could talk about besides sports is just way too weird? And also way too uncomfortable for either one of us to contemplate conversationally. So we do our best to stick with what works and avoid any unnecessary heartburn. 

"Cool." Okay whatever, so let's talk more about me and my needs now. "So are you going to Shep's back to school PBB blowout bach this Saturday?"

"Nope," I tell the truth.

Because I wouldn't be caught dead at Shepard Grayson's back to school Pong-Bong-Bang drunken sexual harassment freshmen fear fest. (Beer Pong & Bong, both beer and weed. The Bang is pretty much self-explanatory. Ergo Beer-Pong-Bong-Bang!)

"Well, I think you should go, it's gonna be a blast." He smirks so hard, that I almost expect him to start giggling excitedly at the thought of all those drunken hookups in his foul future.  

Translation: So I am just going to ignore whatever you just said before, and see if I can get a score.

"Cause I was thinking that we could go together? You know, if you wanted to? Like I could come by Coach's early and pick you up? And then we could..." He leaves the rest hanging out there like bait. Like somehow after my long summer of solitude, I am going to just snap up the chance to make the drunken mistake of hooking up with this idiot so he can "score" with the Coach's daughter?

"Not a chance." I cut him off coldly. 

"Well, maybe if you change your mind later? You know ...just let me know, okay?" He starts slipping sideways to avoid possibly getting smacked. 

Translation: I'll check back with you later at lunch, just to see if you're still the same selfish bitch as before.

"Oh, I won't change." Which is the total truth. "Now if you don't mind, I think I have something good else to do besides this."

Because even when you check back later, Kyler? Yeah, I'm still going to be a total bitch to you. Due in large part to the fact that this bitchtastic I am rocking on the regular has nothing to do with my PMS or low blood sugar. Or anything else his stupid little man mind might be thinking. Nothing other than the fact that I generally loathe you and all your kind, Killer. So get gone and stay gone!

"Okay then, sor'ree for asking. I just thought you might like to hang out and maybe blow off some steam?" This idiot even throws in his signature puppy dog eyes of sorrow at me, so that I will somehow reconsider his kind offer to escort me into social suicide.

Translation: You might like me better if we slept together. Cause I know I would like you a little better, if we went out to my car and we hooked up real fast, before first period starts. Yeah, a welcome back to school bang would really hit the spot about now.

I shove this last horrible thought off into my mental trash incinerator, where it belongs with the rest of the foul filth banging around in my head.

"Then I accept your apology in the spirit that it was meant." Half-truth. "Bye Kyle Reilly."

"Yeah okay then, catch ya later then Roxanne." He waves me off to a better place.

"Yeah, not if I see you first Kyle Reilly." I smile back savagely. Oh, and add F-you and the horse you rode in on Kyler.

I watch Kyler walk away slightly shaking his head sadly. As if he can't actually believe I just rejected his absolute awesomeness. After all, he is a starting varsity football player and everything? So therefore innately awesome and worthy of my worship, right? I should probably just be grateful that he even noticed me enough to semi-sexual harass before homeroom? 

Buzzzzzz ....WRONG! My mean mental Junior Jeopardy from Hell game immediately fires up, with the king of cool himself, Alex Trebek.  

"Welcome back our reigning champion and her all-around awesomeness, Roxanne Rawlings!" Alex welcomes me back with his usual style and gentlemanly grace. "The first question of the day goes to you, Roxanne."    

"Okay Alex, I'll take assholes who think they are awesome for four hundred?" I start off the first round of fun.

"In the lifetime made-for-TV movie, 'I am Roxanne Rawlings, hear me roar!' Kyle Rielly Killian is the name of this high school douche bag, who stupidly just tried to score with our heroine?" The ever erudite Alex Trebek asks inquisitively. As if everyone already didn't know the answer to this question.  

"Oh shit Alex ...I totally fucking know this one?" My mental self muses meanly. "Who are dumb douche-bags who should be hung by their junk and castrated with a rusty razor blade for fun?"

"Correct-a- mundo, Roxanne!" Elder Alex beames proudly of his prodigy.  

DING-DING-DING!

"And that sound is the daily double!!!" Alex beams brightly.

"Roxanne, your daily double bonus question is ...wait for it? All the Jockstrap A-holes at Sterling Academy should be what?" 

"Kill them all! And let Lord Lucifer sort them out!?!"

"Absolutely right, Roxanne! And we have a winner!!! And still reigning grand champion of Junior Jeopardy from High School Hell!"

Alex and all the dark voices in my head begin clapping wildly for yet another one of my easy victories. So with Kyle Rielly long gone and already forgotten, I head into the main building for my first class of the day. The dreaded homeroom from hell, with all the fun of a funeral in my future. 

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