Chapter 9

Leah

            Noah wraps me in his arms and the tears I thought I finally had gotten control of begin to fall again.  Why does it have to hurt so badly?  It isn’t as if someone physically hurt me so why does my body feel like it’s been hit my a truck and all the damage was centered on my chest?  I suck in a deep breath hoping to expand my lungs and loosen the grip this pain has on my chest.  I feel his lips on my head before he turns his head so that he can pull me in closer and rest his cheek on the spot he just kissed.

 My arms are at my side because my brain is too worried about not crying it forgets to respond to Noah’s touch.  I lift both if them and squeeze him tight.  I feel empty inside and long for something to fill that space.  His hand runs down my hair in a soft soothing motion and I pinch my eyes shut.  “He said he’s happy,” I manage to say although it is a bit muffled from my face being pressed so tightly against Noah.  “He said,” a small sob breaks up my sentence, “he just wanted to make sure I was ok because he feels guilty breaking it off the way he did.” 

I feel him tip his head back up and he hesitates as if he really has to be careful with his words.  Just when I think he is going to say something, he rests his cheek back on my head.  I take a calming breath, “He also said he thinks it is better this way.  I told him I think he is making a big mistake.”  I feel Noah freeze and I know he is having some reaction to my words.

“What did he say to that?”  I think for a minute as he rubs a small circle on my back with the palm of his hand.

“He said I would see with time that I don’t love him as much as I thought I did.”  I feel him tense up in my arms and I know he feels the sting of those words.  “That’s not even the worst part,” I whisper, almost ashamed to say the rest of it.  Noah pulls me back away from his chest and looks into my eyes.  His arms are on mine and he is holding me up as if I would fall if he didn’t.  I think for a minute that maybe I would since my head feels like it is floating.  “He said he knows that I will see that because that’s what he did.  He stepped away from us and discovered he didn’t love me any more.”

I feel the wound in my chest ache again as Noah looks into my wet stinging eyes.  I try hard not to sob but I feel so hurt and lost.  He pulls me into his arms again but doesn’t say I word.  At first I wonder how he could say nothing to that, but then I realize it won’t matter what he says.  Words can’t fix this and he knows it.  I close my eyes and rest against him.  “You know,” I whisper.

“What do I know?” he asks softly, but I get the feeling he already knows what I am going to say.  He wants me to say it out loud so he doesn’t have to.

“You know that nothing can fix this.  You know…” I feel the hole in my chest rip open wider as I prepare to say the words that are ruining me, “You know that he isn’t coming back.  You know it’s over.”  This time when he pulls me away from him I see a touch of pain in his eyes along with the empathy from before.  I try hard to focus on his face through the blur of my tears. 

“Yes.  I know all of those things, but so do you.  I have a feeling you have known them for some time.  I wish I could tell you what would make it better, but going through it is the only way out of it.  Don’t let this break you.”  I close my eyes and nod my head.  I feel Noah wipe a tear from my face as I try hard to pull myself together.  Instead of peace I feel defeated.  His voice is soft again as he gives my arms a little shake.  I open my eyes and look deep into his, “Today is one more day you have lived without him.  In a few hours it will be a new dawn.  It is just a matter of chaining the days together.” 

“What if I don’t want to live without him?” 

“Right now you think that because you believe you can’t live without him.  Your body is experiencing pain as if you really have been hurt physically.  You don’t think you can because you don’t know any different.  Since you have been with him, there hasn’t been a life without him.  But trust me—the days will go by and the ache will lessen.  You’ll learn that there is a life without him.  Love is like a drug Leah, and right now you’re a like an addict in withdrawal.  Your brain is so low on the feel good neurotransmitters it is actually distressed.  Give it time to heal.”

I let his word sink in and then nod my head.  I don’t have the energy left in me to tell him he is wrong.  Not about being an addict, not about physical pain, not about not knowing a life without him, but he is wrong about me wanting to live without him.  I can’t even imagine a day that I won’t feel like there is something missing if Lyle isn’t in my life.  I hate that about myself, but I have come to accept it. 

“Let’s get you to bed so this day is behind you.”  His hands around my arms pull me into his room.  He slips a hand into mine and tugs me along behind him.  I watch as he folds down the cover and motions for me to climb in.  I don’t even question it.  I tuck myself under the covers as he pulls them up around my neck.  I close my eyes as the tears continue to run down my face.  I curl my body up and hug my knees. 

Noah leaves the room for a minute and then returns with a cold bag of ice wrapped in a small towel.  He gently puts it on my eyes and then leans down and kisses my forehead.  I hear him getting undressed but I keep my eyes closed behind the cool compress.  It feels soothing and I am grateful.  When I feel the bed dip behind me I hold my breath.  I want him to wrap his arms around me again so that this lonely feeling can’t swallow me up.

As if he could read my mind he slides up against me so that my back is pressed to his chest and he throws an arm over me to pull me tight against him.  With a small kiss to my cheek he whispers, “Go to sleep Leah.  I’ve got you.”  I let myself relax into him and then drift off to sleep. 

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