Chapter 25

Leah

            We step into my apartment and I close the door behind me, closing my eyes for a minute to sooth my aching heart.  When I open them, Lyle is wandering around the small living room.  It doesn’t even feel like my place anymore.  We could both easily be visitors here now that I’ve had the experience of living next door. 

            I take a few small steps in his direction, but when he turns around to face me I find myself stepping back away from him.  I used to love this man, but right now the only feeling in my heart is the ache from watching Noah shut that door.  He hadn’t even followed me into his apartment so I could explain that I just needed a little while alone with Lyle to tell him I’ve changed my mind about working things out with him.  Short of saying it in the hallway, I was left with no other choice but to let him think I had chosen to be with Lyle. 

            “I need to grab a towel,” I say as I continue to move away from him and towards the hall.  He starts to tell me how wonderful my place is, but I have a hard time hearing anything over the beating of my heart in my ears.  I grab a towel from the closet and begin to dry myself off and wrap the ends of my hair so I’m not dripping all over the new carpet.  I find myself facing the wall that separates my apartment from Noah’s and I want so badly to know what’s happening on the other side. 

            “So did I miss something?” Lyle asks as he comes up behind me in the hall.  I turn to face him and nod my head slowly.  I’m not going to lie to him. 

            “I’m not sure what yet, but it’s something.”  My voice sounds stronger than I feel as I cross my arms and lean against the wall.  “We really need to talk.  Let me get out of this wet dress and I’ll meet you on the couch.”  He nods his head and puts his hands in his pockets before turning to make his way back into the living area. 

            In my room I strip out of the wet dress and dry myself with the towel.  Most of my clothes are still at Noah’s, so I decide to throw on a pair of yoga pants and a large sweatshirt.  I take a minute to wipe the make-up off my face although the sprinklers have washed most of it away.  My hair is a tangled mess but I don’t want to take the time to fix it so I just twist it into a messy bun at the base of my head. 

            I leave my room hoping my strength will pull me through this talk.  “I don’t really have anything to drink or any food here yet.”  He’s sitting on the couch that the owners replaced for me when the fresh carpet was installed.  I make my way over to him and sit at the opposite end, grabbing a pillow and holding it in my lap.  “I’m sorry you drove all the way here, Lyle.  When we talked last, I was in a different place.  I was going to call you tomorrow and let you know it would be best if you didn’t make the trip.  I guess your surprise was a little bigger of a surprise than you meant it to be.” 

            He leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees, dropping his eyes to the floor.  “Are you saying that you don’t want to work it out?  Is it because of that guy?” He points in the direction of Noah’s place and I wait for him to look at me before I speak. 

            “Yes and no.  I think I’d have eventually reached this decision regardless of my relationship with Noah, but I’ll admit that falling for him has helped me to see the faults in our relationship a little more clearly.”  I can see he’s hurting and that makes my own heart clench.  This love thing really is starting to suck.  “I loved you Lyle.  For a long time it was just you, my whole world revolved around our relationship.  Lately I’ve been experiencing what it would be like to not be dependent on a relationship, but to be a partner in one.”

            “You haven’t known him long enough to be in love Leah.  It’s just a rebound thing.  Trust me.  I know how fun it is to hook-up with…” I put my hand up before he can finish.  I don’t need to hear about what he’s been doing in this time we’ve been apart.  I shake my head no and drop my eyes to the pillow.

            “I don’t want to hear about any of that Lyle.  I think maybe we’d just be trying because it’s familiar.  I know you, or knew you.  We don’t share the same dreams anymore and I’m not interested in starting over every time you think you want to take a break.  You broke my heart, which was your first mistake.  The second was breaking me down so far that I needed someone to help me pick up the pieces.”  He leans back and shakes his head. 

            “So just like that we’re finished?  We have a history Leah.”  I can’t tell if he’s angry or desperate, but neither is going to get him any further with me.  My heart is next door and there’s nothing he can do about that. 

            “We were finished a long time ago, Lyle.  I just didn’t want to believe it.  Our history is just that, history.  I love the memories I have with you, but they’re not enough of a foundation to build a future.”  He looks me in the eyes and I can see the heavy rise and fall of his chest as he tries to contain his emotion.  Outside I hear a door open and close, then the sound of footsteps as they hit the stairs.  I know without looking that it’s Noah, but I need to finish this conversation so I can move on with my life.  The ties to Lyle need to be cut because there’s no room in any relationship I have with Noah, whether it be friendly or romantic, for Lyle to be there. 

            “Now what?” he asks without any anger.

            “Now we get some sleep and tomorrow I’ll move on with my life and you’ll go back home to yours.  We had a good run.”  I can see that he’s hurt, but I know that there might even be a part of him that’s relieved I’m ok with our relationship being over.  After he first broke up with me I’d a hard time letting him go and it was wearing on him.  Now he can move on without the heavy baggage of the broken ex-girlfriend.  It has to be a little freeing. 

            “Are you going to start seeing Noah?” I hesitate for a minute and then shrug my shoulders.  I’m really not sure where he and I stand.  I want so badly to believe that the things Noah said at dinner were going to come true.  I’m hoping he was serious about believing in more and wanting to share his life with someone again. 

            “I’d like to.  We’ve been getting to know each other over the last few weeks.  I’m not sure if it’s going anywhere, but I’d like to give us a shot.”  I watch Lyle suck in a breath and know that my honestly has hurt him.  He closes his eyes for a minute and it dawns on me that I have no desire to reach out to him.  MY mind flashes to the couples from Noah’s videos.  We have just become the statistic I fought so hard to deny.

            “I don’t think I can stay here tonight.  I’m going to head back home, maybe stop off at Tony’s on the way home and crash there.”  He stands up and I do the same.  There’s an awkward moment when we aren’t sure what to do, but finally he pulls me into a hug and I don’t resist.  I needed this conversation, and I needed to know he and I would be ok.  I may not want him in my life as a partner, but we have too much history to not be friends. 

            “Drive safe.  I’ll see you soon, I’m sure.”  He lets me go and I walk him to the door.  With a small wave and a pained smile, he walks away from me.  I close the door once he is out sight and lean my back up against it.  I listen to the silence for a moment, wondering where Noah went and when he might be back.  After a while I grab the video out of my bag that I took from the stack at Noah’s.  I might as well use this time to code since I know that I could never fall asleep right now. 

            The couple starts out close together on the couch, but it doesn’t feel natural.  My heart twinges with the thought that they are trying hard to capture something that has already been lost.  As the session moves forward, my heart continues to sink.  In the last ten minutes, they are as far away from each other as the couch will permit and no amount of coaching from the therapist is helping their connection.  The damage has clearly already been done. 

            At first I’m not sure why I feel a tear escape down my cheek, but I wipe it away and continue to complete the coding task.  The therapist starts to complete the session, reviewing what they have gone over today.  I have the final lines memorized and mouth the words as the therapist recites them.  “Thank you very much for participating in this study.  We hope you have gained some insight into your relationship and wish you luck in your future together.” 

            I stop my pencil as I finish transcribing the words and watch for the reaction from the couple.  He looks to her first, but she can’t meet his eyes.  She is looking down at her hands, which are wringing the edge of her skirt.  When the silence in the room becomes thick with anticipation and unspoken words, she turns her head away from him and begins to cry.  I feel her pain all the way to the bottom of my soul. 

            I’m hanging on her every movement as I wait for them to speak.  Finally, she clears her throat and in a shaky voice she says, “You have been very helpful and we both appreciate what you’ve taught us, but we’ve decided it’s best to separate.”  My heart rips in half as I watch her struggle to keep it together.  I feel the lump in my throat build until I find it hard to swallow.  The therapist remains silent as the words float between them. 

            This is not the first time the couple from the video decided to end it, in fact, most of them go their separate ways.  This is however the first couple I watched with Noah.  I close my eyes as I feel the small piece of hope I had for us leave my body.  I know now that he has been right all along.  In my heart this couple was going to make it, but Noah had already seen how their story ended. 

I set my pencil down and stand up from my position on the floor next to the couch.  Systematically I shut down the TV and DVD player, then the lights that I had turned on.  I grab a blanket from the closet in the hall and make my way back to the living room.  In the darkness, I curl up on the couch and wrap the blanket over me.  With the weight of the world on my shoulders, I close my eyes tight and pray that sleep will come soon. 

****Please remember to vote and share!  Find me on twitter @sarahwhitewrite!