Chapter 23

Leah

            The candle on our table flickers lighting up the darkness between us.  I can’t believe he never told me he drives a ’64 Chevy Nova.  I guess I always pictured him in something practical and completely safe.  The cherry red paint job is beautiful and when I slipped in beside him on the fully restored seat, I felt like I had stepped back in time.  He obviously cares deeply for that car and now I have to admit that I fell for her a little myself. 

            The roar of the loud engine set the mood as we drove along the coast to this restaurant.  My heart sped in my chest and my pulse thumped heavily in my wrists as I let the crisp night air cool my heated skin.  It wasn’t so loud we couldn’t talk, but we still were quiet as we took in the sights of the coastline and the vibration of the powerful engine in front of us. 

            Noah orders us a bottle of wine after asking if I would be able to drink most of it myself since he still has to drive us home.  I watch as the light flickering against his skin highlights the depth in his eyes.  His face is freshly shaved and I can’t seem to take my eyes off his mouth as he tells me about his latest couple in the study.  He can’t give me any identifying details, but for the first time ever I hear how hopeful he is that this couple can make it.  It is great to finally see him passionate about helping to save these relationships. 

            “Why counseling Noah?  What made you decide you wanted to do it for a living?”  His mouth goes flat for a minute before he takes sip of his wine.  I can see the intensity in his stare as he looks into my eyes.

            “My parents.  They have been married for forty years now.  When I was younger I really looked up to them for that.”  My heart grows as I can see how much he loves them.

            “That’s amazing.  My parents divorced a long time ago.”  It used to hurt to say my parents are divorced, but over the years I have gotten so used to it that the sting has long since disappeared.  Noah reaches out and takes my hand in his.  I can feel the tingle of his touch all the way up my arm.  I squeeze his hand.

            “Well, as you know it isn’t always easy.  I remember asking my mom one time how they managed to stay together when it seemed like all of my friends came from divorced families,” his thumb is now drawing circles on the top of my hand where ours are connected.  “She told me that sometimes they needed a little help understanding each other and had been in counseling many times when they felt they needed a little help understanding each other.  She told me that just like anything you really care about, you have to take care of it.  A relationship is not any different.”

            His mother sounds amazing and I make a note to ask him if I can meet her some day.  I smile and place my other hand on top of ours.  Instantly I remember seeing him like this with another woman and I full my hand away as my heart hurts like the touch physically cause me pain.  My eyes flash to Noah’s and I can see the confusion on his face.  “What’s the matter?” he asks, reaching to take my hand back in his.  I let him because I don’t want anything to pull me away from this moment. 

            “I saw something yesterday.  I didn’t want to talk about it because it isn’t really my business, but holding hands with you reminded me just now and I guess I just reacted by pulling away.”  I tip my head down embarrassed of freaking out on him. 

            Noah’s fingers under my chin lift my face.  “What did you see?”  I only hesitate for a minute before I decide that honesty is the only thing that feels right with him.

            “I was leaving my class and I saw you at the café with a woman.  She was holding your hand and you were talking.  I saw the way you were looking at her and how you held her before she left.”  I feel the tears at the back of my eyes but refuse to let them fall.  He’s done nothing wrong and has certainly never promised me that he won’t see other women while we live together. 

            This time he places his hand over ours that are joined and smiles at me.  “That was Eva.  The girl I told you about.”  He waits for me to make the connection and as I do, my heart clenches in pain and my stomach drops to the very bottom of gut.  It’s worse than I thought it was.  I imagined someone new, someone that I had eventually told myself I could compete with.  I didn’t think it was someone he would love for the rest of his life. 

            “That’s great.  I’m glad you get to have her back.”  My voice sounds a little shaky but I smile at him so he will think I’m ok with his happy news. 

            “I don’t want her back,” he says softly.  “She was guest lecturing and asked me for a little time.  As you know we had a lot of things to talk about.  I invited her for coffee and we spent some time together finding the closure we both need.”  He squeezes my hand in his and then leans a little closer to catch look into my eyes.  I hadn’t realized I had averted my gaze until then.  It’s just too hard to watch him speak about her when I know how much he loves her. 

            “I’m glad you had that opportunity.”

            He chuckles softly and lifts my hand to his mouth pressing a soft kiss to my knuckles before returning it to the table.  “I’m glad we did too.  It felt good to see her and to hear that she was happy with the way her life has worked out.  You know, Leah, in that moment I realized that I am very happy with the way mine has worked out as well.  I’m happy for her and to me that is huge.”  I can see in his face that talking to her has lightened the heavy load he has been carrying all of these years.  I appreciate her for that. 

            “Leah, she is getting married soon.  She has also accepted a job running her own department abroad.  She never wanted children so that she could travel the world and move at any time she felt she wanted to.  Her life is perfect for her.”  I nod my head wondering if her life was also perfect for him.  Before my mind can imagine them traveling together he continues, “It’s the complete opposite of what I want in my life.  I love living here and I love clinical work.  I don’t want to be a professor and I don’t want the responsibility running my own department would bring.” 

            I feel hope again as he discusses his future over the dim light of the candle.  “I have figured out that I might have judged marriage too harshly.  Maybe one day I will give it a shot.  I have a lot of nieces and nephews that I’m sure would love a few more cousins.”  I giggle at how cheesy that sounds but really I love the images it brings to my mind.  “Eva convinced me that someday when the right woman comes along I’ll be willing to do the hard work to have the happy moments.” 

            “She’s right.  You deserve all of those things.”  Now the pain of hearing it was his ex is morphing into a deep pain of rejection.  Someday a woman will come along and give him all of those things and all I can wonder is if I can survive this friendship long enough to watch it happen, or will my heart be too broken by then to stick around and see him be happy. 

            The waiter sets our food down and we eat our dinner while he shares with me what being an uncle is like.  In my mind I never pictured him with kids, the only image I have of him with people besides myself are the two women in his life that I have met.  I would give anything to not have to think about them.  Hearing him discuss each child sucks me into a place of happiness since he so clearly loves his role as uncle. 

            By the time dessert is served we are laughing again and the mood has tuned from serious to more playful.  Of course we ordered two different dishes but opt to put them in the center and share them.  As we sit and sip our wine and slowly finish the small dishes, a pianist takes his place at the grand piano in front of us.  Noah was right to choose this place.  The songs are soothing and beautiful, making the perfect background for spending time with someone you love.

            On the way home Noah asks over the loud engine if I believe in ghosts.  I shrug my shoulders, “I guess I don’t really know.”  I twist my hair and hold it to the side as the wind blows in around us.  “Why?  You want to tell me a ghost story?”  He laughs and shakes his head no. 

            “There is a small church on the way down that every says is haunted.  You can see into the big stained glass windows all around it.  When I was a kid I would go there with my friends and we would try to scare the shit out of each other.”  I bite my lip and nod my head.  I love a good thrill and it sounds like maybe this place could provide just that.

            “Show me,” I shout.  He nods his head and turns into a driveway along the side of the road.  It’s old pavement and winds up the side of a small hill.  When we reach the end of the driveway Noah parks his car and shuts off all of the lights.  The streets up here have no lights of their own so the world around is pitch black.  I see the small outline of the church as my eyes begin to adjust to the darkness.  “Ok, tell the truth.  You really just used to tell girls that story so you could bring them up here and make-out.”  I tease him but believe that I am probably right. 

            “Would it work with you?” he asks lifting his eyebrows up and down quickly.  I laugh and slap his arm as he opens his door.  I wait for him to come around to my side and open my door and then he reaches for my hand and helps me out of the car.  He shuts the car door behind me and takes my hand again so he can lead me up the small trail worn into the dirt.  I can only see about a foot in front of me clearly, everything else is just silhouettes in the dark. 

            My heels dig into the dirt as we make our way towards the church.  “There used to be security here, but I think they probably let him go once my friends and I graduated and didn’t make this event a regular occurrence anymore.”  We finally reach the top of the trail and I can now see how beautiful the little church is.  I lean up so I can get a better look inside the window.

            The only sounds are the hum of the cars driving by on the road far below us and the various sounds of crickets chirping and water dripping.  Noah cups his hands so he can look through the window next to me.  My heart is racing from the suspense and pure exhilaration of standing next to him.  He makes me feel so young at heart.  Suddenly the lights begin to turn on one at a time until the entire place is lit up around us. 

            “Shit!” Noah shouts as he grabs my hand.  My heart is really pounding now as he tugs me out of the light and into the darkness.  “Ditch those heels.  I think it is security and we are totally trespassing.  We need to run.”

            “What?!  Noah are you kidding me?!”  I start to laugh and kick off my heels.  He tugs my arm pulling me in an opposite direction than the way we came in.  The ground is cold beneath my feet as we cross over what I imagine to be a large grassy field.  As if he had perfectly timed it, the sprinklers all around us begin to turn on.  I hear the hiss of the water before I feel the cold burst of it against my skin.  Now I am laughing so hard I am having a hard time breathing.  I can hear Noah laughing in front of me as he pulls me towards what I hope is the car.

            Both of us are completely drenched and about to make the world’s most pathetic get away when my feet slip out from under me and I fall in the wet grass.  “Holy shit!  Leah are you ok?” He laughs, standing over me as I lie on my back having the water rain down on top of me.  I reach up when he offers me his hand.  Since we are already completely soaked and probably going to get caught anyway, I yank a little harder than he is expecting and he loses his footing and falls down beside me. 

            We lie in the wet grass with the water falling all around us.  The sound of hissing sprinklers and pelting water is the only sounds to help drown out our laughs.  “Remind me to never take you on a robbery.  You are the worse get away partner ever.”  He manages to get the words out in between the rich, deep laughter that is like music to my ears. 

            “Oh Noah, “ I sigh, reaching out and taking his hand in mine, “when will you learn to have fun  in the adventure instead of always looking for your get away?”  

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