HOPE YOU HAVEN'T LEFT WITHOUT ME

HOPE YOU HAVEN'T LEFT WITHOUT ME, PLEASE

I sit in the cave for what seems like hours.

I stare blankly outside, where the rain is falling relentlessly.

I hug my legs and rest my chin on my arms.

It feels weird.

I don't feel the cold like I should.

The posters are still here, crumpled into balls beside me.

I tore them down, each and every one, in rage, so I wouldn't see them anymore.

But their words flood my mind.

Alive.

DEAD.

They want me dead.

Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

My chest tightens.

There's something else I think about besides the posters.

I'd spent too long dreaming of escaping that city for me to now be considering going back.

Going back.

Going back to DEMA.

The thought makes me laugh.

A bitter laugh, of course. There's nothing funny left in my shitty life.

I get up and walk back and forth through the cave, biting the last of my nails, trying to think of something, anything, even the tiniest bit of nonsense.

But one more thought pops up.

Him.

Elliot.

The Torchbearer.

The last of the Banditos.

He left me, he left without looking back.

Every time I think about that, I get a huge rage.

But at the same time, confusion.

Why do I think about him so much?

I just saved his life and walked him to his camp.

Well, what was his camp. 

We've known each other for a little over a week.

Why do I care so much about his departure? Why do I treat him like I've known him all my life?

Then it hits me. He is one of the few people who has treated me well. 

We had ups and downs, but he treated me well.

Not like a product, not like a sack of potatoes.

Maybe I trust too much in people who treat me with a minimum of respect.

And like everyone else.

They change.

And they leave.

They all leave without me.

Did I really think this time would be different?

That I could grow in a healthy community where everyone would treat me with respect?

Don't be stupid, Rabbit.

I drop to the ground again, resting my head on my knees.

Part of me wants to let him go.

He made his choice, why can't I do the same?

But another part of me doesn't want to forget him.

I can't let him face DEMA alone.

I don't want to be like the others.

I want to be someone's unconditional support.

I want to be someone you laugh with and cry with.

And so, the hours pass, my mind caught in that same debate over and over again.

Finally, I stand up.

I'm going back.

The decision doesn't come as a flash of clarity, but as a constant whisper that turns into a scream.

I don't know what I'll find, I don't know if I'll make it out alive again, but all I know is that I can't stay here, hidden, while he fights alone.

As I approach the entrance to the cave, another thought hits me: I have no idea where to go.

My eyes scan the landscape.

The trees.

The rocks.

The damp earth.

Everything looks the same.

I realize my only option is to trust my instincts.

I sigh and start walking in the direction I think brought us here, praying I don't get any more lost than I already am.

As I walk, my thoughts don't stop.

I reflect on everything that's happened since we left DEMA.

Elliot. Clancy. The NEDS.

Every encounter, every decision, everything seems to be part of a puzzle I can't solve.

Why does Clancy act like he's two people?

Why did the NEDS help us, but now they're not showing up?

And most of all, why do I feel like this is just the beginning?

The rain is starting to ease, but the clouds are still covering the sky.

My legs are heavy, my body is exhausted, but I don't stop.

I can't stop.

I have to find him.

I have to find Elliot.