TO DISTRACT OUR HEARTS FROM EVER MISSING THEM

BUT I'M FOREVER MISSING HIM

I have no words. This is nothing like what I expected to find here.

Eventually, the search for survivors takes us to the center of the camp.

Bodies.

Lots of bodies.

They seem lined up. As if they had been moved in some kind of signal.

The smell is unbearable.

God, I want to vomit.

''No, this can't be happening...''

I can't do anything but watch him from a distance.

Watching him collapse to his knees, while I don't have the courage to approach him.

His hands are limp, shaking.

''No, no... ''  he sobs ''NO!''

He screams. He screams with all his might.

He hits the ground with both hands. His crying is heartbreaking, deep.

His blows are hard, it almost seems like he wants to break his hands so he can feel more intense pain.

''Elliot...''

I approach him slowly and, with fear, I touch his shoulder, trying to calm him down.

But as soon as he feels my hand on him, he breaks it and pushes me away, throwing me to the ground.

''Don't touch me! '' he roars. His scream echoes in the air. His eyes rest on mine ''Don't you fucking touch me...!''

Oh, that look.

That look full of pain and rage.

A feeling makes me shiver from head to toe.

That feeling of the first day.

The first time I saw him.

I stay silent, watching him fight against his own suffering, his rage, and then I see him change.

His fists continue to tremble, but his expression becomes distant, almost lifeless.

He stands up, with an eerie calm.

He looks at me, and his voice comes out broken but determined:

''I'm going back to DEMA...''

I look at him.

No matter how hard I look at him, I can't find him.

The Elliot I thought I met during this trip.

The Elliot I was looking for to cook for.

I know I haven't known him for long, but I know it's not him.

''Wait, what? '' I move towards him, I'm much shorter but I can still look him in the eyes. ''Elliot, no.''

He raises his chin. His gaze... challenging?

''Do you expect me to stay here doing nothing? '' his voice monotonous, lifeless. ''I'm alone. I've been left alone. They've killed my people...Clancy...'' 

I know.

I know we can't stay doing nothing.

But I can't go back.

Another feeling runs down my spine.

Fear.

Fear of being the same person I was before.

Of living the same life.

Of seeing the same people.

Of suffering the same treatment.

''I'm not going back to DEMA '' I finally murmur, my voice broken, barely audible.

For a moment, I think those words might make him think, stop him. But he just stares at me, his eyes boring into me, cold and exhausted.

Then, without a single goodbye, he turns away.

"No, please, no!"

I run to him. I grab his arm. I try to get him to stop.

But he is determined to move forward.

He tries to pull away, but I squeeze his arm tighter.

Another feeling.

Loneliness.

The fear of loneliness.

I don't want to go back, but I don't want to be alone.

"Elliot, please don't leave me alone..."  I sob, unable to keep my grip.

I fall to the ground hard. My legs hurt.

My heart hurts.

He looks at me for the last time.

I look at him.

My eyes are teary, scared.

His eyes are empty, revengeful.

And he just walks away.

I continue to cry, cry a lot, as I watch him walk away.

His figure disappear between the trees.

Okay, I'm officially screwed.

Terrified and alone.