
Honesty (I talk about cutting and stuff, so trigger warning)
I'm going to be brutally honest here.
My mental state is absolutely shit.
On nearly a daily basis I have a breakdown (feeling so sad/angry/anxious that I can't move, my body physically hurts, and I feel like sobbing for eternity because it seems like nothing will ever get better) for 2 weeks straight. Two weeks. Once, I had two breakdowns in one day, and I couldn't function because my mind was going in a downwards spiral that prevented me to do anything but cry. Not to mention that my old friend, anorexia, that no one knows about is hitting again. I just hope it won't be like last year where I had roughly one and a half meals every day for 4 months straight. And with school starting up again anxiety is using me as a punching bag. Yesterday, I was up til 2 studying my math books because I'm far too behind. I don't give a shit whether or whether not I'm in AP classes, I know I'm not good enough. And I was too nervous to talk to my friends all summer, so I only had camp friendships which are fleeting and only make me feel even worse. But now I have to face the very people I haven't talked to for months. In early July I was getting panic attacks about this shit. Not to mention that I told my crush that I like her last time I saw her. That was so idiotic of my, I should never of told her. There's no way she'll still want to be friends now. I also gave in after 3 years of wanting to, and cut myself. The adrenaline felt so good. It was even able to distract me from my problems for a few hours. I might do it again once I have a realistic excuse, but it can't be too soon.
Anyways, school starts the 5th so I'm currently in absolute panic mode so yeah. And btw, there's still shit I don't tell anyone, so don't expect me to be an open fucking book. However, I'll tell you this much. Much of what I'm hiding from you, has to do with how the Chat Book affected me, so I'm not telling you guys for your sake. Not like anyone from the Chat Book even likes me on reads this load of shit anyways. I'm just a fucking burden and should leave. But this is still the only place a can tell a bit about my emotions. As I said, this isn't everything. Everything else is either too personal or has to do with the Chat Book.
Despite all this sad crap, I'll tell what keeps me going. Anime. The only reason I have the ability to keep living is because I can escape through anime. At the moment, My Hero Academia is my escape. It's really good, so I suggest it.
Also btw this is practically how I've felt since about April. The only difference is that my last crush made it much easier to keep going. They were the main reason I didn't purposely drown while I was swimming or something.
A final afterthought: I only wrote this because of how good it feels to talk about my emotions. The feeling is similar to cutting, however talking causes me so much anxiety, I rarely do it.
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