I walked into Miles' apartment with a smile on my face. Today was Everly's birthday party and she thought Miles was out of town, but he wasn't. In fact, it was his idea to surprise her with a mini-concert in the backyard for her and her friends.

"Miles?" I asked as I heard him vomit.

He coughed as he came out of the bathroom, wiping his hands on his pants. He forced a pale and clammy smile. Looking at him, I knew he wasn't good enough to go anywhere.

"Hey."

"Hey. How are you?" I asked as I got a closer look at him.

"I don't think I can go to the party," he said and laid down on the couch. His eyes had such disappointment in them. But in his state, I accepted that much.

He looked up at the ceiling with a heavy sigh. It was as if something was going on in his mind he wasn't sharing.

"Miles, talk to me."

He shook his head. "It's just another MS relapse and the medication I'm on is still kicking my butt this time around." He reached for my hands and gave them a squeeze.

"Can I take you to the hospital?"

He smiled at me as he intertwined his fingers with mine. "No, let me sleep in my bed for the night. I'll text you tomorrow."

I sighed, not quite believing his words. Something deep within my mind told me there was something else going on. This was more than MS relapse but instead of pushing to answers, I stood up. "Ok. But text me if something changes."

He nodded. "Isla, did I ever tell you how much you mean to me?"

His words caused me to smile lightly. I loved hearing that from him. "And you mean so much to me." I grabbed his hands and sighed. Something wasn't right. Forget the party. I had to stay here with him. "Miles, please tell me what is going on."

He shook his head. "Nothing's going on that I can't handle. Enjoy Everly's birthday party. Tell her I wished I could come."

My phone buzzed. Mom needed me to get back. Maybe Miles would be alright. Maybe he did just need rest. I sighed with a nod. "Ok. But I'm coming here first thing tomorrow morning with food and movies."

He smiled lightly. "Ok," he said as he pushed himself up from the couch with some struggle. "See you later, Isla Ann Maas."

I returned the smile as I slipped my shoes on. The way he said my name sounded like wind chimes. I wondered if he knew what kind of effect he had on me. "See you around, Miles Kit Keen." And with that, I left his apartment, not bringing him with me to Everly's party.

What I found out the next day was Miles took his life. He didn't call for help, he just ended it just like that, alone in the night. I heard it happened quickly, but I still couldn't believe the man that popped up in my life so unexpectedly popped out of it just as unexpectedly.

For the following weeks, I was so pissed with myself, with him, with the world. I felt like I let him down and, in return, let myself down. There was so much I could have done. I should have forced him to the party, I should have at least forced him to tell me what was really on his mind that night. But instead, I left. I was the one that let Miles down. I was the terrible friend; I was the one that got out of the car; I was the one that walked away; I was the one that took forever to text back.

I didn't like Miles for his money, for his voice, or even talent. I liked Miles for being himself. He was my best friend. Miles taught me to live and let go, pushed me and taught me to push myself to be better. He taught me to laugh when I felt like crying and showed me, I could still miss someone and treasure their life.

Miles was a star in my life, in more ways than one, and like all stars, they're brightest before the fall. For someone that liked to stargaze, I questioned how I managed to miss it when he was clearly crashing to the earth. He burned through the night sky as if to say, 'I am here. I am present. I want to be seen' and I missed it.

Days passed into weeks until one day his parents came by with a box of things with my name on it.

Here I was, holding the box of belongings, looking at his parents, trying to hold it together as they talked to me.

They tried to keep things light at first, but I was stiff as I didn't know what to say. Seeing them in front of me, here on my front porch just reminded me I loved Miles and missed him more than I could bear. I couldn't imagine the pain they delt with after losing their child. I wanted to say something to them; I wanted to make their pain better, but I couldn't just like I couldn't make my pain go away.

Finally, his mom sighed as her eyes welled up with tears, her tone turning serious. "He wanted you to have these things," she cried.

The box crushed me. I couldn't breathe as I gripped it. I bit my lip, fighting the tears that wanted to come. There was nothing I could say that would make this better, so I thought it best to say nothing at all.

His dad nodded as he sniffled his emotions back. "He loved you. You know that, right?" He patted me on my shoulder. I didn't understand why he was comforting me when I should have been doing that for them. "He couldn't stop talking about you. You were almost always on his mind."

And suddenly all those emotions I held back hit me like a brick wall. I pinched my lips together as I tried to suck in a breath. I placed the box down as shook my head. Nothing stopped the tears from spilling from my eyes. I loved him too and I would always love him. "I'm sorry," I sobbed out.

"Oh sweetheart, this isn't your fault," Jeanne said, wrapping her arms around me tightly. "Shhhh. It's going to be ok."

Maybe someday it would be ok. But for now, it wasn't. Nothing about this was ok. I didn't have my best friend anymore. There would be no more jokes, no more stolen water bottles, and no more smiles shared. Miles was gone and in his stead was a black hole. "I should have done more," I said as I gripped onto her for dear life.

"Don't beat yourself up over this," she said as she pulled out of the hug. "This isn't your fault."

I nodded, although I didn't believe her words.

"He dealt with depression since high school and the MS diagnosis just made things worse. I thought he was getting the help he needed here," Steve said as he looked at his feet.

I thought he was getting help too. I guess he fooled everyone.

For a moment we were silent as we listened to the bird's chirp, getting ready to sleep for the night.

"Well, we need to get going," Jeanne said with a sigh as she wiped her tears.

I hugged her again in a poor attempt to keep them here, not wanting them to go. They reminded me of him, and I didn't want to forget. I wanted them to come in, talk and maybe for a moment, it would be like he was still around. "Are you sure you don't want to come in?"

She smiled lightly, although it looked too forced as she shook her head. "No, we can't. But Isla, promise me you'll keep in touch."

I grabbed ahold of her hand and gave it a squeeze.

Her eyes met mine as she burst into fresh tears. "Thank you for being in Miles' life."

I nodded as I wiped my eyes. I should be thanking Miles for being in my life. I needed him and I didn't even know it until I met him. I just wish I had more time to tell him that.

His dad patted me on the back in silence, as if to say goodbye. Then the two of them went back to their car, backing out of the driveway. They waved at me one more time and, just like Miles; they left too.

I stood on the porch until I couldn't see their car anymore. I squinted into the distance, hoping to see them, but the road was empty, and their car was nowhere to be seen.

With a sniffle and a sigh, I walked back into the empty house, knowing my family was out. I was glad that they were gone, though. In the house's privacy, I could let my emotions run wild.

The box was heavy in my hands as I walked up the stairs and into my room. I closed the door behind myself, shutting out the outside world. I then sat down in the middle of my bedroom and looked at the box in front of me like it had snakes in it.

My hands shook as I wiped the sweat from them. I wasn't sure I could face what was in there. My breath caught in my throat. I gasped for air that wouldn't come.

He was gone. Just like Dad and they weren't coming back.

I wasn't ready to open the box that had my name written on it, but then again, I wasn't sure if I would ever be ready.

Miles' voice rang through my mind as I tapped my finger against the box.

"You have to face the music at some point."

He was right. I couldn't just let it collect dust forever.

With a deep breath, I ripped the lid off the cardboard box to see a notebook on top of everything. I picked it up hesitantly and opened it to see his handwriting within it.

On the front page it said, "Book of Isla, inspiration to song lyrics."

I couldn't blink away the tears that fell down my face as I flipped to the next page to see the song he showed me after playing soccer that one day. The next page was the song Zoe showed me a week or two after I got hit by the car.

A choked back sob escaped my lips. He was too damn selfish. Couldn't he see I had already lost too many people? I needed him. Anger took hold of me as I flipped the page.

He was gone, and it was his choice.

"Miles, damnit," I shouted as if he could hear me. I shook in anger as a note fell out of the pages.

"I love you." was written.

I unfolded the paper and saw a note that was short and sweet.

"You make me smile. You make me feel like I am enough. I just wish I had you in my life for longer."

I read it again as the anger subsided. I held the note in my hand as if it was an extension of him. It smelt like him. I sniffled and wiped my eyes as I put the note on top of the notebook, then pulled out a framed photo of us. I think his parents snapped this one as we laughed at each other over a fish he held.

I smirked slightly as I thought about meeting his parents for the first time. I was so nervous and he made me wave at the wrong people. He loved jokes. His jokes were a way of coping. They made me laugh, which was something I hadn't done in far too long before I met him.

I sighed as I pulled out a soccer t-shirt that had my school team on it. I put that down and looked through a few notes and trinkets at the bottom of the box. None of these things comforted me. Instead, they were just a slap in the face, a reminder that Miles was gone, making the void in my heart larger.

"Hey," Everly said gently as she stood at the doorway.

"Hey," I said as I wiped my face of any stray tears.

"What do you have?"

"Some of Miles' things. Want to look?" I asked, knowing that she was just as part of Miles' life as I was and she deserved to see these things, too.

She nodded as she sat down next to me. Quickly, she picked up a framed photo. "I miss him," Everly said finally.

I wrapped my arm around her. "I do too."