"Sino?"

Ilang ulit na iyon. At sa ilang ulit din ay wala akong naisagot sa kaniya.

Hindi ko na mabilang ang minutong lumipas na nakaupo lang ako sa kama at hindi magawang tignan siya sa mga mata. Hindi ko rin alam kung gaano katagal na na tahimik na tumutulo ang luha ko.

He remained standing, too. He stood far from me, near the door. If he's afraid that he might not stop himself from hurting me or if he's disgusted, I am not quite sure. Ang alam ko lang ay galit siya. At walang kung anong lalabas sa bibig ko na makakapagpakalma sa kaniya. I bet even just the sight of me irritates him. Kung kanina ay may tuwa pa sa mga mata niya, ngayon ay pinaghalong disappointment at galit na ang nandoon.

"Isla, am I not enough?" He asked the question that pained me more.

If only he knows how I dreamed of a lifetime with him. He will never be not enough. If there's something, then that's he's more than enough. Kung bakit nagkaganito ang sitwasiyon namin, hindi ko alam kung paano ipapaliwanag sa kaniya.

After all he did. After all he did for me, and the unconditional love, he doesn't deserve any of this. And for five years with him, today, I could say that he does not deserve me.

A damaged, trash, broken woman like me does not deserve a man like him. An unfaithful woman, as he might think, does not deserve being looked by him.

"Ano? Natatakot ka bang saktan ko ang lalaki mo?" Nagpatuloy siya sa panunumbat.

If I have something to say, I would have said it minutes ago. But then, I already decided to just end things without an explanation.

He'll move on. In time, he'll forget about this. He'll go on with his life without this disappointment.

He laughed sarcastically when he heard nothing from me for the nth time. Saka niya marahas na sinuklay ang buhok at nagpakawala ng malalim na hininga.

"We're together all this time. Nagawa mo pang magloko?" Hindi makapaniwala ang boses niya. "Halos araw-araw tayong magkasama tapos nagawa mo pang mangaliwa? Really, Isla? Saan ako nagkulang? Did I not satisfy you? You found someone that could satiate you?"

Napahikbi ako sa mararahas na paratang niya.

"You don't cry over this!" He shouted and I jumped. "You have no right to feel guilty! Did you have second thoughts when you started cheating on me? You probably did not!"

"I'm sorry..." Iyon lang ang tangi kong nasabi.

He was so mad. Another word from me and I think he'll lose it. For sure, just hearing my voice sends him to the edge.

"Sorry? You're sorry?" Aniya sa sarkastikong tinig. "Isla, you're a married woman. Tangina, ang tagal-tagal na natin pero talagang hinintay mong ikasal tayo para maghanap ng iba? At nagpabuntis ka pa! Tapos sorry? What would I do with that?" Galit niyang usal.

His words started to become harsh, and I could not bring myself to get surprised. That suddenly, he became someone I do not know. He was so different from what I knew him. But his outburst is valid. His cursing, his loud voice, the way he chides... I could not blame him.

He has all the right to get mad. He has all the right to throw things and hit me, but he did not. Even though angered, he did not hurt me physically.

"Let's just get an annulment, please," pakiusap ko sa nahihirapang tinig.

He scoffed. "You think I'll just let you go? Para ano, maging masaya kayo ng lalaki mo?"

Nahihirapan akong tumitig sa kaniya. He eyes challenged me.

"Isla, I can't be the only one suffering," mahinang iling niya. "I'll show you how it feels to be cheated. We're married. We should share the pain," dagdag niyang halos punitin ang puso ko.

Nagtuloy-tuloy ang agos ng luha ko habang nakikipagtitigan sa pares ng mga matang hindi ko na halos makilala. He was devoid of any emotion, and I almost adore how quick he was to conceal it.

"Tristan, please just let me go," pagmamakaawa ko.

He strongly shook his head. "You're not leaving."

Umiling ako sa kaniya. "There is no fixing of this, Tristan!"

"Who told you we're gonna fix anything? No. We'll remain miserable together, Isla," he said heartlessly.

Napatakip ako sa bibig nang mas lalong tumindi ang hikbi.

Never in my most random imagination did I once thought that we'll ever reach this point. I understand the point when there will be fights between us, misunderstanding, perhaps, but a point like this. Misunderstandings are a part of a married life, but this one? No.

This relationship of ours started to get void when I started to get touched by another man. And I could not tell him. I'm afraid of what he will do. I'm afraid of what his boiling anger is capable of doing.

May pagsisisi kong pinagmasdan ang magulong mukha niya. His black eyes turned darker, his nose turned red, and his lips were in a grim line.

I'm thankful that he did not shed tears. Pinangunahan siya ng galit kaya hindi lumabas ang mga luha niya. And selfish it may seem but I am thankful of that. Dahil kung sakaling ipinakita niya sa'kin na nadudurog siya, mas lalong sasakit ang puso ko. Mas lalo akong magsisisi sa mga desisyon ko.

I'm sorry. If I had promised you something I could not keep. If I had told you things that turned to be a lie.

"Stop staring at me with those eyes," he furiously shut me away.

Bigo akong yumuko at tahimik na humikbi.

"You're not telling me whom you cheated with, Isla. I won't do that to you. I'll show you exactly whom I cheat with," malamig na aniya bago pabagsak na isinara ang pinto.

Naiwan akong lumuluha sa loob ng kuwarto habang hawak-hawak ang naninikip na dibdib. I could not think well as the emotion clouded my thoughts.

The spite in his voice was too much. His determination to make me pay for what I did to him was too obvious and too strong to be ignored. But I can't process anything. Even the last words that came from his mouth, I could not comprehend. Ang tanging alam ko lang ay tatanggapin ko ang lahat para mawala at mabawasan ang galit na nararamdaman niya. After all, I am still to blame of his anger. However, I was not ready for his comeback.

Mag-aalas dies na ng gabi nang umuwi siya. He was wasted. Halos pumikit na ang mga mata niya dahil sa kalasingan. It was the very first time I saw him that drunk. Halos hindi niya na matuwid ang paglalakad at kailangan nang humawak sa pintuan para mabalanse ang sarili.

I worriedly approached him in an attempt to help. As expected, though, he pushed my hand away. Kahit lasing ay ramdam ko pa rin ang marahas na pakikitungo niya.

"Keep your filthy hands away from me." Nagawa niya pang maayos na magsalita matapos akong iwakli.

He moved to open the door widely and I was petrified when I saw a woman, almost undressed in front of me. Hindi agad ako nakagalaw nang umakbay siya sa babae at doon nagpaalalay. Ang panghuli naman ay ngumisi sa akin.

"Hi," malanding ani ng babae saka tinulungan ang kasama.

Napako ako sa kinatatayuan nang dere-deretso silang pumasok sa kuwarto. Sa kuwarto naming dalawa.

I swallowed a sudden bulk of tears back when I realize what was happening. His repetitive words earlier only made sense now.

"Teka," dinig kong saway ng lalaki saka siya lumabas. Wala na siyang suot na pang-itaas nang mahanap ako at nakabukas na rin ang zipper ng pantalon na suot.

Pa-ekis siyang naglakad patungo sa 'kin saka ako hinawakan at hinatak patungo sa kuwarto namin. Nag-iwas agad ako ng tingin nang maabutang walang saplot ang babaeng kasama niya.

Nagsimulang tumibok nang malakas ang puso ko habang ang isip ay halos mawala na sa tamang takbo.

"Sit," he commanded and forcefully sat me on a chair.

Nakaharap ako sa kama kung saan naroon ang kasama niyang babae na halos wala man lang pakialam.

"T-Tristan..." nanginginig kong tawag sa pangalan niya.

My heart hammered fiercely when he started to trail the distance to the bed. Ilang ulit kong nalunok ang sariling laway nang nagsimula siyang hubarin ang pantalon.

"T-Tristan," natatakot kong tawag.

Nasira ang kakayanan kong mag-isip. Halos nakapako na rin ako sa kinauupuan at hindi na magawang igalaw ang sarili.

"A-Anong gagawin mo, Tristan?" Kinakabahang dagdag ko habang unti-unting namumuo ang luha sa gilid ng mga mata.

Mapupungay ang mga matang nilingon niya ako. His gaze darkened, just like when the moon covers the sun during an eclipse.

"I told you I'll let you see whom I cheat with. I will not be like you," malamig niyang sambit.

Tumulo ang luha ko kasabay ng panginginig. His eyes had no hesitations. He was very determined.

Bigla ang pagkataranta ko nang tuluyan niyang mahubad ang pantalon at nagsimulang umakyat sa kama kung saan walang hiyang naghihintay ang babae sa kaniya.

"T-Tristan, p-please..." humagulgol ako at hindi na magawang panoorin ang paghalik niya sa babae.

"Look, Isla!" I jumped when he angrily shouted. "Watch. Watch me fuck someone else."

I shook my head, trembling from fear. Hindi na matigil sa pagtulo ang luha ko habang mariing ipinipikit ang mga mata.

I can't watch it. I can't bear to watch it.

Napatalon ako nang maramdaman kong hinawakan niya ako. He was already in front of me. His eyes were bloodshot. Too intense that I felt like he was burning me.

"Ano? Hindi mo kaya?" Nanghahamong aniya sa galit na tinig.

Umiiyak akong umiling.

"Please, don't do this," nahihirapan kong bulong. "Just hurt me physically, Tristan. Just not this one," pagmamakaawa ko.

"Why? You can't take me fucking someone else?" His vulgar words cut me deep. "Why? When you fuck someone else, you thought I could take it?"

Lumuluha kong sinalubong ang madilim na titig niya.

I wronged you. I am to blame of your unjust deeds. I deserve all the blame, but please don't punish me this way, babe...

"You can hurt me, kill me, but not through this, please..." pakiusap ko.

Mariin siyang umuling. "You need to feel the same way I am feeling." Saka siya bumalik sa kama.

Maingay ang mga hikbi ko nang magsimula silang maghalikan. He started touching her in every inappropriate places. He started stroking her the way he did with me.

Nakabibingi ang ungol ng babaeng kasama niya. Ni wala siyang pakialam na may nanonood sa kanila. She was enjoying the pleasure he was giving her. I bet, she even enjoyed the attention from me.

Nagbaba ako ng tingin nang bumaba ang kamay ni Tristan sa puson ng babae. I held my tightening chest as my hand continue to tremble. I bit my lower lip when I heard Tristan's grunt of pleasure.

"Please, stop..." Humahagulhol kong pakiusap.

With my trembling hands, I covered my ears, hoping that it will block the sounds I hear from them. But it was too high-pitched, like a demon's whisper expertly crawling into my senses.

"Watch, Isla!" Napatalon ako nang dumagundong ang boses ni Tristan.

Hindi ko napansin kung kailan siya umalis sa kama para muling lapitan ako. When I opened my eyes, he was already in front of me. Walang kahit akong saplot at madilim na nakatitig sa umiiyak kong mukha.

"Watch," may pagbabanta sa tinig niya.

He made sure I was watching them. With my eyes full of tears, he made sure I was looking while they did it. And it hurt that he was emotionless. Not even a moment that I saw regret in his eyes.