you may be asking yourself

"why the hecc are you starting another story when you already have like 24783567 WIPs????"

and the answer is

i have no self control or self preservation :D

(also the angst calls to me)

aNYWAYS PUKEY WARNING FOR THE BEGINNING (like, literal puke... very short tho)

^^ note on that, its really not bad at all, i'm just adding it just in case so i don't need "it's not even bad," i know xD

+ this'll have some depressing bits because hizashi is sadboi ;(

aaaaaaaand this won't be updated on a schedule, probably

have fun B)

---

Hizashi's head hung over the toilet bowl as he heaved, stomach feeling as if it might burst from the pressure. Tears ran down his cheeks and a sour bile stung in the back of his throat, all while heartburn sparked to life in the middle of his chest.

After a few minutes, he slowly picked himself off the ground, trembling fingers reaching to close and flush the bowl. With a shaky breath, he fell backwards onto the seat, placing his hand over his lips and squeezing his eyes shut.

He didn't think it'd be that bad. He should've been able to shut it out - be uncaring towards the whole situation. After all, he was the one who provided the information.

But Hizashi's skin tingled as the guilt coursed through him, heart throbbing uncomfortably.

When he arrived at the USJ, his eyes scanned over the area with a calculating gaze, only for his heart to catch in his throat when he saw Shouta. A bloodied, half-dead Shouta Aizawa.

He almost puked right then and there.

It was his fault - his fault that his best friend was hurting and might not even make it out alive. His fault that those kids almost got murdered by some psychopath, and his fault that tensions were high.

The sounds of sirens filled his ears as he moved through the USJ, stumbling over his feet as he ran towards Shouta.

"SHOU!" he shouted, eyes watering while he was loaded into an ambulance. "Fuck," he breathed heavily, "Shou, please-"

A paramedic gave him a slight push away from Shouta's stretcher, offering him a sympathetic look before calling out to the others and lifting him into the ambulance.

Hizashi's blood ran cold under his prickled skin, barely registering what he had seen.

Shouta's arm had been flayed to the muscle, causing the blonde's stomach to churn. Blood dripped from his face, and his eyes were the worst of it.

A looming thought appeared in Hizashi's mind, stopping him dead in his tracks.

What if Shou can't be a hero anymore because of me?

Without thinking, Hizashi gritted his teeth and ran towards the crowd of teachers, only to bolt right past them as they stared at him confusedly. He ignored the look Nemuri tossed him, only focused on trying to get to the hospital.

He stiffened when he felt a hand fall upon his shoulder.

"Zashi," he heard, causing him to tremble, "It'll be fine. Go help everyone. Be a hero."

"Shou," he whispered, "I can't, you don't understand - it's all my fault, I-"

Aizawa offered him a soft smile. "Turn around Zashi."

"I-"

"They need you," he said more sternly.

With a gulp, Hizashi turned slightly, heart falling as he watched the students shake, hands wrapped around themselves in a sort of stunned terror.

The blonde tore his eyes away, searching for Aizawa. "I can't look at this, it's my fault they're all scared."

The only thing left of Aizawa was a whisper in the wind. "Help them."

With a deep breath, Hizashi nodded, mumbling to himself. Alright, Shou.

The blonde plastered on a kind smile, waving as he headed towards the students. "Hey, Little Listeners!"

...

Hizashi suddenly stirred when he heard the ringing of his phone, bringing him back to his bathroom. His hand shot to the side, frantically searching the countertop as he scrambled to his feet.

"H-hello?" he croaked, wincing at his hoarse voice.

"Zashi," Nemuri's voice soothed on the other side, "Shou's open for visitors."

The man's heart stilled. "...What?"

"You can visit him now," she said softly. "He's awake."

After a tension-filled pause, Hizashi shot up from his chair. "I'm on my way," he mumbled, words barely intelligible.

Quickly tapping his thumb onto the end call button, he wiped his face and glanced into the mirror for a moment before taking in a deep breath and heading towards the door. His fingers grazed his coat, snatching it off the coat hook, and he threw the door open, not even bothering to lock up as he left.

Hizashi hopped into the car, fingers trembling as he started it up and tapping on the steering wheel as the engine hummed to life.

His foot was on the pedal in a matter of moments, knuckles turning white from his grip on the steering wheel. He breathed out, the sounds of panicked voices invading his mind.

Doctors blurred past Hizashi as he shoved his way through the halls. "We're losing him!" one shouted, causing the blonde's breath to hitch.

"What's going on?" he demanded, grabbing onto one of the doctor's shoulders.

They turned towards him, slightly frazzled from the commotion but barely registering the man's presence. "Are you family?"

Hizashi simply narrowed his eyes, restating his question, only for his voice to betray him by shaking. "How is Shou?"

"We're doing the best we can," the doctor answered, shaking off his hand, "He can't see visitors now. It'd be best if you waited outside."

The blonde contemplated throwing the doctor across the room, but once he saw the crowd around Shouta's bed, he simply cursed to himself, riddled with guilt.

He walked back into the hall, glancing towards a chair before shaking his head and pacing through the hall. Biting his nail, Hizashi moved quickly, a million thoughts running through his mind.

Shouta could die - and it'd be all his fault. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He wanted to pretend like this was all one big nightmare.

But it just had to be fucking reality.

He squeezed his eyes shut, swallowing a lump in his throat when Shouta's small smile appeared in his mind. The way it flitted across his lips as his eyes shone - a rare but heartwarming sight.

Something that he might never see again.

He had messed up big, and he had no idea how to fix it.

Hizashi slammed onto his breaks as a horn blared in his ears, finding himself breathing heavily while he pulled hastily to the side of the road. He placed his hand over his rapidly-beating heart, taking in a shaky breath before peeling back onto the street with a sort of reckless abandon, not willing to waste any more time to get to Shouta.

He almost jumped as his phone began to ring once again, finger twitching towards his phone as he quickly grabbed it in his hand. He fumbled with the phone before slamming his thumb on the accept button, letting out a breathless, "What?"

"Zashi, are you almost here?" Nemuri asked.

The man zoned out for a moment, barely registering his own reply as he sped up. "Yeah."

Nemuri paused, voice soft. "Are... are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he replied all too quickly, tightening his grip around the steering wheel.

"Zashi," she said, "You can talk to me."

"I said I was fuckin' fine," he spat. As soon as he heard the sad 'Oh' on the other side of the line, he winced. "Listen, Nem," he said quietly, using his shoulder to hold the phone to his ear, "I'm sorry. I just..."

"You're stressed, Zashi. I get it," she finished for him.

If only you knew the half of it, he thought, letting out a quiet, bitter laugh. "Yeah."

After a moment, Nemuri spoke up once again. "How far are you?"

Hizashi glanced to his left. Too far. "About 3 minutes away."

"I just got here," she said. "Do you want me to stay on the line with you?"

Hizashi sucked in a breath. "I don't mind either way." Leave me alone.

"...Alright. I'll wait til you get here to go in. If you don't want to talk, I get it. Just...," Nemuri sighed, "Stay safe, Zashi."

His heart panged with guilt, but he choked back the apology that threatened to escape his lips. "You too," he half-whispered, taking in another shaky breath as the call ended.

As he came to a red light, he slumped forwards and pressed his forehead into the steering wheel. "Please..."

---

Hizashi muttered a name at the reception desk before running off towards Shouta's room, ignoring the calls of the secretary as his feet pounded against the linoleum. He was light on his feet while he ran up the stairs, rounding the corner and barely able to dodge the visitors and nurses that roamed the hall.

He gritted his teeth before finally to a running stop, panting once he found himself in front of the room.

"Zashi!" Nemuri's voice said, clearly surprised. She placed a hand on his shoulder, causing him to stiffen. "Are you alright?"

"I... came here... as fast as... I could...," he sputtered, coughing in between his words. He briefly wondered if he should take up running again before straightening and shaking his head. "Is Shou still awake?"

Nemuri's eyes widened by a fraction before she nodded and stepped back. "Yeah. Though," she looked away, "He's not doing so hot at the moment."

Hizashi's throat felt dry, heart falling. "What?"

"Oh, no!" she said quickly, frantically shaking her hands in front of her face, "I mean, he's alive. He's just... Really hurt, Zashi." She sighed, placing one hand on her cheek while the other dropped to her side. "The doctors said that he has injuries all over. Hopped up on pain meds, too."

The blonde paused for a moment, a pained look in his eye as he took in sharp breath. "...And his eyes?"

Nemuri bit her lip. "I'm... I'm not sure."

Hizashi's gaze lingered on her face for a moment, but he quickly spun on his heel to throw open the door. "I'll see you later," he mumbled, hurriedly heading inside and closing the door behind him.

As Shouta groaned, the blonde ran to his bedside, falling to his knees. "Shou?" he said quietly, making his tone soft, "Are you alright?"

"Zashi...?" the man mumbled, lazily turning.

Hizashi's breath hitched, taking in the man's bandage-wrapped body. He nearly choked on his words, eyes glued onto where Shouta's would be visible if it weren't for the bandages set over his eyes. "Y-yeah, Shou. I'm here..."

Shouta remained still for a moment before turning and chuckling to himself. "I'm high as fuck."

"Shou," Hizashi breathed out, letting out a slight, rattly laugh, "God damn it, you scared me."

"Sorry, Zashi," he sighed. "Are..." He shot up, hissing once he hit his head on the bed frame.

The blonde's eyes widened as he stood. "Hey, hey, what are you doing?!"

"I'm fine," the man muttered, shaking Hizashi's hand away and sobering up. "But," he said with a hint of worry in his voice, "Are the problem children alright?"

Hizashi tensed. "I'm..." He squeezed his eyes shut, heart falling. Of course Shou would already care so much. "They're fine," he managed, attempting to recall what he heard about them. "Midoriya was the worst of them. He's fine, though." I'm sorry. I couldn't help them like you wanted me to, Shou.

Shouta let out a sigh of relief before slumping down. "We're only a few weeks in and here we are... To think," he raised his voice slightly, "That a goddamn villain group would just show up."

The blonde swallowed back the lump in his throat. "Yeah..."

"Anyways," he sighed. Hizashi felt glad that he couldn't see his discomfort - even if it were only for a brief moment. "Are you alright?"

He blinked. "What?"

"Nothing happened to you, yeah? I'm sure it was stressful," he continued.

"What the hell, Shou?!" Hizashi blurted. "You could've been killed and you're worried about me?!"

"It'll set in later," Shouta muttered. "The worst part about the fact that I can't move my arms and can't see a thing."

Hizashi's heart stilled. "You can't see?"

Shouta's brow raised - or it seemed that way, considering how the bandaged moved. "There are bandages over my eyes."

The blonde's cheeks reddened. "Oh."

"I don't know about my eyes, though," Shouta admitted. "Apparently they were one of the worst parts affected. Which makes sense in hindsight - especially with all the red that I saw half the time. Anyways," he sighed, "I don't know what'll happen."

"You...," Hizashi choked out, throat dry. "You should just retire, Shou. Or at least take a few months off..." Maybe that way, he could keep Shouta safe... "C'mon, I'll even vouch for you with Nezu."

Shouta, of course, could not see the pleading look in the blonde's eyes. "No," he answered, shattering his hopes. "I'm going to return when the students do."

Hizashi wanted to scream at the man. Call him reckless, stupid, and beg him to stay. But he knew Shouta, and no matter how much he pushed the topic, he'd always say. "I should've known you'd be a hardass," he muttered with a dry, forced chuckle.

The black haired man gave a low hum in reply.

In the silence, a thought flitted across Hizashi's mind.

A stupid, irrational thought.

Tell him.

Hizashi gritted his teeth, hiding the tension beneath his lips, and placed his clenched fist in his lap. He couldn't tell Shouta. No matter what he said, he'd react badly. Shouta would do the right thing and tell the police about it. Even if he tried to plead his innocence, they would know he was guilty. By that point, he was too far gone.

So, even though his heart ached, Hizashi remained silent, plastering on a fake smile.

Because while it may take a long time to build trust up...

It only takes a moment for it to all come crashing down.

"Ah," Hizashi finally said upon noticing the awkward silence, "Sorry, Shou. I just got caught up in my thoughts..."

"It's fine," the other replied, head faced towards the ceiling.

The blonde sighed, shaking his head with a small smile. "You never were one for talking..."

"So you do know," Shouta snorted, causing Hizashi's lip to twitch upwards.

"Yep!" he replied in a chipper voice (he hoped Shouta couldn't hear how he was forcing it), "It's just my job to pester you, y'know?"

The black haired man sighed, and Hizashi could've sworn he heard an eye roll in his voice. "Of course."

"I'm glad you're alright," the blonde said quietly.

Shouta barely moved. "Me too."

"...Y'know, Nem's waiting in the hall. If you want, I can leave so you two can talk," he said, swallowing a lump in his throat as his thoughts contradicted themselves.

I want you to stay away from me.

I don't want to leave.

Don't stick around me.

Please don't abandon me.

I'm not good for you.

I just want to be with you.

"It's fine," Shouta finally responded. "If you want to sit here a while, I mean." Hizashi's cheeks heated, but he quickly pushed the thought away. You'll just hurt him. "Not that it's exactly rational to sit here in silence, but I'd rather do that than have Nem nagging me about being safer next time," he chuckled.

Hizashi gave a small, sad smile. "That's Nem for you."

"Not that you're any better, barging in here and panicking," Shouta teased with a barely-visible smirk.

The blonde blinked before letting out a laugh. "Jeez, Shou. You know we just care about you."

"Yeah, yeah," he said, muttering something unintelligible under his breath. After a moment, he spoke up. "I'm fine, Zashi. I don't regret helping."

Hizashi smiled sadly, speaking softly. "I know, Shou. You're a real hero."

Shouta gave a low chuckle. "I'm nothing compared to you, though. Everyone loves you and it's not hard to see why."

The blonde continued smiling, but he felt as if he might puke. "Thanks, Shou."

"Hey," he said in a lower voice, "Are you alright?"

Hizashi froze. "Uh... Yeah, what do you mean?"

"You're usually way more talkative. And not to mention loud. So," he pressed, causing the blonde to wince, "Are you okay?"

After a moment of silence, Hizashi sighed. Figures that you'd notice, Shou. "Yeah," he lied. "I'm fine. I just... I was really worried about you."

He could've sworn he saw the man twitch, but he brushed it off. "Well I'm glad it's nothing too bad."

"Of course not," Hizashi smiled. God I just want to tell you.

As much as he wanted to stay, the blonde felt as if he remained any longer, he might spill everything. Gritting his teeth, he stood. Why does everything have to be so fucking hard?

"I uh... I should get going, Shou. I don't want to hog you or anything." He attempted to make a joke, letting out a laugh. "Nem might kill me if I keep you all to myself."

"Ah," the man mumbled, and Hizashi wasn't sure if he was insane or he actually heard disappointment in his voice. Either way, he didn't have much time to ponder it as Shouta quickly continued. "See you, Zashi. Err... Well, you'll see me," he joked flatly, clearly trying to help the blonde relax.

Hizashi wanted to badly to tease the man, but he only felt a pang of guilt shoot through his heart. "Mhm," he mumbled walking out the door. As soon as it closed behind him, he let out a small sigh and raised his head. "You can go in now," he said with a cheery expression, attempting to make it look like he wasn't about to just fall into a useless heap on the ground.

"You sure?" Nemuri asked, clearly noticing the look in his eye. "I can wait a little longer. I know you're closer to him than anyone else..."

Hizashi remained still for a moment before suddenly straightening himself, putting on his signature, goofy grin. "Of course, Nem! Shou's fine, so I'm fine too!"

Nemuri's lip quirked upwards, but the blonde could tell she was trying to study him. "...Promise?"

"Promise," Hizashi said, ignoring the burning in his heart. "After all," he chuckled, "Friends shouldn't lie to each other."

Too bad he was a hypocrite.

He dug his nails into his palm, ignoring the sting of pain as blood dripped from his hand. "Just don't rip his head off," he winked before waving and hurrying off.

Once he was downstairs, he offered a cheery smile to anyone who recognized him, only to collapse into the seat when he made it into the car. He bit the inside of his cheek, slumped down in his seat.

I'm sorry.

---

depresso espresso

i was tryna make certain parts fast-paced so it was kind of word-vomity in certain areas, sorry xD

also I have no idea what im doing and i might rewrite this whole thing later, who knows? B)

(and please lmk if I had some accidental inconsistencies, like with aizawa's movement or smthin :P)

anyways

Thanks for reading! <3