Warnings: drinking, swearing

Tom's arm hang loosely across the back of your chair as he was casually talking to his brothers. The boy had a few weeks off and was finally home again, so you decided it was time for a proper night at the pub. 

Tom Holland was your best friend and at the same time your worst enemy. Tom Holland was your strength and your weakness at the same time, because lord knows how it happened, but you were madly in love with him while he was madly in love with almost everyone else but you. Four years of friendship and two years of hiding your secret from him whilst watching him date girl after girl.

Tom liked, no, loved the attention he got from girls and he sure as hell knew how to play his cards right. He wasn't one to settle down and he definitely wasn't one to maintain a long lasting relationship and that was probably the one thing you didn't like about him - but it was also the one thing that was destroying you from the inside.

Tom got up from his seat next to you to go and grab the next round of beers. You watched him walk up to the bartender, but you also watched him start a conversation with another random girl who just happened to be standing next to him at the bar.

"Hey, (Y/N), eyes here." Harrison smiled, his eyes full of sympathy.

The blue eyed boy knew how you felt about your mutual friend and he knew that at some point Tom would realize he felt the same, but Harrison was scared it would take Tom too long to realize and that it would destroy you before Tom even had a clue about his feelings for you.

"This is so stupid." You groaned as you let your head fall into your hands.

"He's stupid." Harrison smiled before getting up from his seat to plop down on the empty space next the you - the empty space that would've probably been there for the next hour because Tom was definitely too busy chatting up this girl.

This was your usual evening, Harry and Harrison staying with you and getting drunk with you while the one you wanted to be with most flirted his way around the pub before joining your table somewhere down the line with some random girl clinging to his side.

You were used to keeping a straight face at every alcohol level, you were great at acting like everything was alright, hell, you deserved a damn Academy Award for this.

Harrison knew it was only a matter of time until you snapped and he knew that it might costs both of you this friendship. The boy hoped either of you would take the first step and he hoped it would be Tom, but the brunette was far from realizing how he felt about you.

Your eyes wandered back to Tom at the bar where you could see the girl laughing and holding on to the boy's arm. Gripping your empty pint, you felt yourself get dizzy. You wanted to look somewhere else, but your eyes were fixated on the two people a few feet away from you.

"He may be my brother, but I would punch him if you wanted me to." You heard Harry say as a smile formed on your lips. Tearing your eyes away from the oldest Holland, you looked at the curly haired boy across the table.

"It's not his fault." You smiled as you grabbed Harrison's glass to steal a sip of beer from him.

"Oi! Watch it." The blonde laughed when you grinned at him.

"Feel free to get new one's, because I'm pretty sure Tom is not coming back for another hour."

"On it." Harry smiled before he stood up to leave into the same direction his brother left only a few minutes ago.

"I hate this, Harrison." You admitted before letting your head drop onto the blonde's shoulder as his arm went around you to comfort you.

"I know." He mumbled as he placed a soft kiss on your hair. Harrison was an angel and the brother you never had but always wished for. This boy would take a bullet for his friends and you adored him for it, "Maybe it's time to tell him how you feel."

"I don't want to ruin our friendship. I'm not ready to lose him as my friend." You said as you head still rested on the boy's shoulder.

"Oi, hands off my bestie." You heard the familiar voice coming closer. Lifting your head you saw Harry and Tom head towards your table, five beers in their hands - and Tom's new "friend" following close behind.

The next two hours were a torture. Tom couldn't keep his hands off the girl whose name you had already forgotten. This resulted in you digging your nails into Harrison's hand which he had rested on your leg when he saw the pain in your eyes every time you heard Tom laugh.

"I'm being honest here when I say that I really like my hand and that I'd like to keep it." Harrison whispered in your ear before letting out a soft laugh.

"I'm sorry, I just-" You started, but soon got distracted by the picture of Tom's lips connecting with the girl's red one's.

"Come one, we're going to play a game of darts, Harry, move your ass over there." Harrison almost shouted after he followed your eyes to where he saw his friend being an absolute dipshit.

Grabbing your hand and pulling you up from your seat, you were being dragged to the darts machine by Harry and Harrison.

"Can I punch him? Please tell me I can punch him. I really want to." Harry laughed as he wrapped his arm around your shoulder and pulled you close.

"I'm fine, Harry. Seriously, it's all great." You snorted when you realized that it was finally the time where you didn't even believe your own lie.

You felt as if the time didn't pass as you played two games of darts while Tom was still too busy with his new friend.

In the meanwhile, Tom noticed the small touches and hugs you and Harrison shared, the soft smiles you sent each other's way and it almost threw him off so much that the girl kept asking him about your involvement with each other - which Tom always answered with "We're just best friends.".

"I'll be right back." Tom heard himself say before he made his way over to his three friends. Harry was currently throwing his dart while you had your arms wrapped around Harrison's middle while he said something to you, making you laugh.

Tom remembered the times where he had been the one to make you laugh like that and where he had been the one to pull you into his arms like that. The brunette wondered when the two of you had gotten so close and if he had missed his two best friends maybe fall for each other?

And somehow it bothered him to see you like this.

Making you jump and let go of Harrison by pinching you side, Tom appeared on your other side. He could've sworn he saw a flash of worry in Harrison's face as soon as he stepped up to you.

"I feel like I'm missing all the fun here." The boy laughed as he threw his arm around your shoulder. To his confusion he felt you stiffen underneath his touch, which had never happened before.

"Yeah, sure." You snorted before wiggling your way out of the boy's embrace to step up to the dart board.

"Is she okay?" Tom looked for help in his friend who only shrugged, not wanting to be the one to break the news to him.

"When did that happen between the two of you by the way?" Tom asked as he tried to subtly get information out of Harrison regarding your relationship with him.

"What? What thing?" Harrison asked as he raised his eyebrow.

"(Y/N) and you?" Tom said as if it should've been obvious what he was talking about.

"You are so dense, Tom." Harrison groaned as he threw his head back before stepping up to the dart board for his turn.

Something was going on and Tom was desperate to find out. He needed to know what secret the two of you were keeping from him, so he decided to try his luck by asking you about your relationship with his best mate.

"Harrison? And I?" You showed the same reaction that Harrison had shown only seconds before.

"Thought I'd be the one you would tell first if you started dating my best mate." Tom shrugged, not realizing how much he was starting to piss you off.

"Dating Harrison? What are you talking about?" You laughed as you looked at the brunette who was standing next to you.

"Oh, come on, I saw you two. You're basically inseparable."

"You saw us? Are you sure? Because the last time I checked, you were sucking off that chick's face." This was ridiculous.

"Yeah, at least I'm not the one going behind my best friends back to start dating their best mate." Tom was getting frustrated. He hated the thought of Harrison and you. He hated the thought of you with anyone really.

"Tom, mate -" Harrison had finished his turn and tried to step him but you held up your hand to stop him and that was when Harrison knew it was time for him to step back, because this was probably the time for you to snap.

"Going behind your back and start dating your best mate? Are you fucking kidding me right now?" You laughed while Tom stood there and watched the tears start forming in your eyes, "I'm not dating Harrison, Tom. Harrison was just being a really good friend today and tried to distract me from you breaking my heart into thousand pieces over and over again."

"What are you talking about?" Tom asked, his voice soft and full of concern. He had no idea what you were talking about and he was hurting by just looking at you and seeing you this broken for the first time in your friendship.

"You know what, Tom? I'm so done with this." You said, motioning back and forth between the both of you, "I'm so done with you, Tom. I'm done with watching you hook up with all those girls."

"(Y/N), I-" Tom started but he couldn't find any words to say. He didn't know what you were trying to tell him.

"I hope you end up falling for someone at some point. That you find your exception and that you don't hurt them in the process of realizing you love them, but I'm so sick of this mess. Sick of seeing your goddamn face. And most definitely sick of being in love with you for the past two years while all you do is break my heart into pieces every single minute we spend together."

"Y-You what?" Tom's eyes widened at your confession. He felt like the world around him stopped and to his own confusion, his heart started racing like crazy as you said those words out loud.

"I love you, Tom. As more than just my fucking best friend. And that's why Harrison was by my side all evening." You said as you wiped away the tears that had found their way down your cheeks.

"I- I, y-you can't love me. I-"

"You don't feel the same, I know, bye Tom." You smiled one last smile before making your way out of the pub.

You didn't look back at Tom, but you would be lying if you said that you weren't hoping for him to run after you, to tell you that he was also in love with you, to tell you that he felt the same - but he didn't. The only one going after you was Harry. And to your surprise he didn't say a word, he just let you crash into his arms as he softly rubbed your back to try and comfort you before calling a cab and getting you home safely.

Harrison planned on going after you, but he figured Harry had everything under control and he knew Tom needed him just as much as you needed him, so he stayed behind, watching Tom as the realization of what had just happened hit him.

Did he just lose you?

"Wanna talk?" Harrison patted the boy's back before pulling him out of the pub, not even looking back at the girl who was still waiting for Tom to come back to her.

When the sat down on some random bench on their way home, Tom still hadn't said a word, because he was still trying to figure out what to do. Did he really not notice you being in love with him for the past two years? Was he really too busy hitting on random girls to notice the most important one slipping through his fingers right in front of him?

"Did you know?" The brunette asked after a few minutes of dead silence.

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's not my part to tell you this - and to be honest I didn't think it would take this long for either her to tell you or you to figure out, but I was wrong." Harrison chuckled.

Tom's head fell into his hands as his mind started spinning. The words you had told him kept repeating themselves in his brain as he couldn't get the picture of you of his head. The way you had looked at him, as if you hated him, as if you wished nothing more than to not know who he is, as if he hadn't been the person you trusted the most for the past four years.

He loved you, more than he had ever loved anyone else, but was it the love you wanted from him? Tom wasn't so sure, because he had no idea what loving someone really felt like. Was wanting for someone to feel nothing but happiness love? Was wanting to be the reason for their laugh love? Was wanting to always be the person they're cuddled up to love? Tom had never loved someone, not that he knew of, but he knew that if this was love, he had definitely felt it already - whenever he was with you.

Harrison watched Tom putting the pieces together as he tried to hide the smile that appeared on his face. Harrison knew Tom loved you, but he also knew that Tom needed a wake up call for him to realize it.

The two of them sat together for the next two hours as Tom kept rambling about how he had no idea and about how he never wanted to hurt you, he even ended up apologizing to Harrison for hurting you.

"Mate, I'm not someone you should apologize to." Harrison chuckled as he patted the boy's back, "I believe there is someone else you need to talk to."

"You're right, fuck. I- uh, I'll see you at home." Tom said before getting up from his seat and starting a jog in some random direction.

"Do me a favour and take a cab, because you'll never make it alive if you keep running into a random direction!" Harrison shouted, making Tom stop in his tracks.

"You're probably right, thanks mate." Tom laughed before looking for a free cab.

You couldn't fall asleep. Your body was tired and so was your heart, but your mind was still racing. All the pictures of the past few hours kept playing like a never ending movie inside of your head. Harry had brought you home and put you into bed, before telling you that everything was going to be alright and that his brother was an idiot for not realizing sooner. Realizing sooner - which was funny, because Tom hadn't realized shit up until you left.

You knew who it was when your doorbell rang at 4am. You knew he wanted to talk to you at some point, but you also knew that you didn't want to see him right now. Well, more like, your brain was telling you to keep that damn door shut while your heart was screaming at you to open that door, to let him in and to tell him that you were sorry for lashing out like that.

Getting up with a groan, you let your heart win. Opening the door you were greeted by the sight of the man you loved the most, but also the man who had just ripped out your heart without even realizing it.

"Why are you here? I thought I've said everything I had to say to you?"

"You did." Tom smiled a sad smile that almost broke your heart again, "But I didn't."

Taking a deep breath, Tom know that this was his now or never moment. That this was probably the only chance he had to tell you that he never meant to hurt you, that he never wanted to lose you and that it was a mistake to not immediately go after you.

"You said, that you hope that I'll find my exception one day, that you hope I'll end up finally falling for someone and that you hope that I manage to realize it and not hurt them in the process," Tom said, as he repeated the words you had said to him only a few hours ago, "When you told me you loved me more than just as your best friend, something inside of me started backflipping and shit and I was so confused about what was happening."

"So? I'm tired Tom. Go home." You said as you were still trying to keep the tears from falling out of your eyes. Seeing Tom hurt. Hearing him repeat everything you had told him hurt even more, because it reminded you of how you had fucked up this friendship for both of you, how you could never go back to where you were only yesterday.

"You need to learn to let me talk," Tom chuckled, "I hate seeing you hurt, I hate seeing this look in your eyes. The one that wished it wasn't me when you opened that door and the one that wishes I could just stop talking because you're currently hurting so much by only hearing my voice."

"Yes Tom, I'm hurt, what do you think? I'm pretty sure I just lost my best friend after finally admitting my feelings to him. Now fuck off, seriously, I don't need to have this conversation with you because you sure as hell don't feel the same, you already told me that a few hours ago."

"I didn't tell you anything, (Y/N). Why do you think I'm here? Because I want to see you this broken? Because it makes me happy to see you holding back those tears? I'm here to fix this! I'm here to tell you that you should've stayed a bit longer. You should've just fucking waited for me to speak." Tom said as his hands ran through his curls, "You should've waited for me to realize that I felt the same."

"Now you're just taking the piss," You snorted, "If you think you can save this friendship by telling me you have feelings for me then you seriously can go and rot in hell. Those are my feelings, mine, Tom. I'm not some random chick you can easily convince just to get me into bed, Tom." You said as you felt the tears finally start rolling down your cheeks.

"You're not fucking listening to me." Tom groaned, " I do love you, fuck, I love you so much. I'm hurting just as much as you are now by seeing those tears, knowing that you'll push me away as soon as I try to wipe them away. I know you can't bring yourself to believe me and it's mostly my fault because you watched me go after all these girls in the past years, but fuck, (Y/N), they have nothing on you."

"Why now, Tom? Why would I believe you now? I've been in love with you for the past two years and I watched you hook up with every single female around you and I was always by your side, watching and silently suffering, hoping that you would one day say those exact words you just said to me," you whimpered as you wiped away the tears on your face, "But you don't get to tell me you feel the same only hours after I tell you that I can't do this anymore. This is just a sick attempt to keep me by your side, because you can't get a fucking grip in your life without me there, but I'm done, Tom, I'm so done with your bullshit." You tried to close the door, but Tom's hand shot forwards to grab your wrist which made you finally look him in the eyes again. Eyes that were showing signs of incoming tears. Eyes you once fell in love with.

"Why can't you just fucking believe me when I say that I- that I fucking love you, (Y/N)? You're my exception! You're the one I ended up falling for without realizing it, but fucking guess what, I managed to hurt you in the process of realizing it." Tom was desperate to get you to believe him, because he may have taken his fair time in realizing that he loved you but he had never been more certain of anything else.

"Tom.." Your voice came out as a whisper. You didn't know what to say, because your heart believed every word he said, but your brain was still shouting at you to close your front door and that he was only telling you this because he needed you to keep up with his bullshit.

"I'm in love with you, (Y/N). I'm in love with the girl who loves nothing more than a movie night, I'm in love with the girl who always knows the right things to say when I'm feeling down and I'm so fucking in love with the girl who was always there for me from the start. I don't expect this to fix everything and I don't expect you to accept my apology, but I just want you to know that this isn't a stupid try to pull you back into my own mess. I honestly just want you to believe me when I say that I love you - more than I've ever loved anyone else." Tom sent you a sad smile before he let go of your wrist to turn around and leave for good.

You watched Tom leave. Tears streamed down your face as you watched him turn around and walk away from you like he had watched you walk away from him only hours ago and you were already regretting every second of it. You wanted to shout at him to stay, you wanted to pull him into a hug, but you couldn't.

You leaned against your doorframe as you sank down to the floor, still a sobbing mess and still watching Tom disappear into the distance. You had waited two years to hear those words coming from Tom but in no possible made up scenario had you thought of the possibility that this was the situation he was saying them.

Your head sunk into your hands as you tried to calm yourself down when you felt a presence next to you only a few seconds after. Their arms wrapped around your body to pull you up from your seat on the floor, making you feet some sort of calmness spread through your body.

"I-I can't leave you like this, (Y/N)." Tom choked out. He tried to walk away, but when he turned around for one last look at you, he couldn't get his feet to walk further away.

"N-No. Y-You can't." You sobbed as you pulled the boy closer, making him tighten his grip around you.

You cried for what felt like hours as your head was buried in the boy's shirt while he rubbed up and down your back to get you to stop crying. Tom had tears spilling from his eyes as well. He hated to see what he had done to you without realizing he was doing it. He wanted nothing more to turn back time to a point where it was just the two of you laughing about some stupid puns - but he couldn't. All he could do was stand there and be there for you whilst hoping you would still want him in your life.