Requested by anonymous: Y/N has scars from self-harming, which Tom has never seen. When they start to get intimate for the first time, he finally finds out about them.

I stood in front of my full-length mirror, tears streaming down my face and only a pair of panties cladding my skin as I stared at myself in the mirror. I bit my lip harshly and tried not to get more upset as my eyes scanned over the healed and also still healing lines of pink scarring that covered my stomach. I gulped harshly, my mind hating myself for the fact that I'd inflicted this pain on myself, but also part of me still thought that I'd deserved it. I was only twenty-four, but I already carried a lot of baggage around with me. I'd struggled with mental illnesses like anxiety and depression for most of my life, and that had made its way out in the form of me self-harming and hurting myself during my teenage years. It wasn't something that I was proud of, but it was something that I had to live with now regardless. Things had been better though in the last year, my boyfriend of six months, Tom, making sure of that. Of course I was still doing my fair share of battling my depression, but being around Tom distracted me for the most part, and I loved him, so it definitely helped to ease the pain. My lips dipped again, a more prominent frown taking over my lips as I looked back at the scars on my stomach. Tom and I hadn't been intimate yet, for the sole reason that I wasn't ready for him to know about my past abuse of myself. He knew that I had mental health issues and he was of course as supportive as he could be when he wasn't the one dealing with them, but he still didn't know about my past with self harm. I knew that he'd be nothing short of heartbroken when he found out, and so I was trying to keep it from him for as long as possible. I gulped and shook my head, trying to recompose myself before Tom got here. I quickly pulled my jeans on and made sure to cover the scars before clipping my bra around me and pulling a t-shirt on. As if on cue, the doorbell rang, signalling that my boyfriend was here to pick me up. I puffed out and grabbed my bag, my heart still numb because of what I'd spent the last hour thinking about as I headed through my apartment to my front door. I took a deep breath and forced a smile onto my lips before opening it to reveal Tom stood there.

"Hey, darling." He smiled as he leant down and gently kissed me.

"Hey, Tommy." I chuckled fakely, making him look at me as I grabbed my keys.

"You okay, love?" He asked slowly. I returned the glance.

"Course I am. Why wouldn't I be?" I lied with a shrug. His eyebrows furrowed at me, and I could tell that he saw it in my eyes that I wasn't feeling like myself. Or maybe I was, and that was the problem. He obviously decided to leave it, though, as he returned my shrug and stuck his hands into his jacket pockets.

"No reason, sweetheart. Are you ready to go?" He checked.

"Let's." I smiled, making him return it somewhat hesitantly as he took my hand, and we left my apartment.

Tom and I lay in his bed, cuddling and watching a movie after having been out to dinner. The food and company had been lovely, but my anxiety about my scars and the fact that I just felt numb right now meant that I had barely eaten anything. Tom had definitely noticed that something was off, but hadn't pried due to the fact that I wasn't offering the information. I snapped out of my own thoughts as Tom looked down at me again, making me return the glance.

"Are you sure that you're okay, sweetheart? I mean, I love you, but you've seemed ever so slightly off since I picked you up." He sighed and shook his head. I returned the sigh and bit my lip, my mind and heart fighting over whether or not to tell him. My heart was saying that it was the right thing to do, whilst my mind was saying that he'd just see me as damaged goods if I told him. He'd never see me in the same way again, and I didn't want to jeopardize my relationship with him over scars that hadn't been touched in years.

"I'm fine. I've just got a lot on my mind, it's nothing for you to worry about." I lied with a chuckle.

"You sure, darling? A problem shared is a problem halved." He smiled goofily. I couldn't help but chuckle for real this time, my head shaking at how cute he was as I looked at him. This is why I loved Tom so much. Even on the days when I struggled to simply get out of bed, the days where I felt nothing but numb, he somehow made them better. He'd ease the numbness slightly and replace it with happiness and love, even if he didn't realise that.

"I promise. I'm okay." I reassured. He nodded and gave me a small smile.

"Okay, love. I believe you." He chuckled before leaning down and pressing our lips together. I returned the kiss, Tom's hand moving to my waist as I held his cheek. He smirked into the kiss, making me giggle against his lips as he deepened it and slipped his tongue into my mouth. He gently pushed me back onto the bed, his body in between my legs as we started to make out.

"God, you're so fucking stunning, sweetheart." He mumbled as he broke the kiss and moved his lips down to my neck.

"Don't tell me, Tommy, show me." I breathed out at the feeling.

"Oh, I plan to." He nodded, making me smirk and shake my head as he pulled my t-shirt over my head. He leant down and started to kiss my collarbone again, my eyes fluttering shut in pleasure as he kissed down the valley of my breasts.

"I've waited so long for this, darling, I'm so glad that it's finally happening." He admitted against my skin, making me smirk as he kissed down my torso. But then everything stopped. My eyes shot open, my heart dropping to my feet as I realised what was happening. His lips were getting gradually closer to my stomach, to where my scars were. If I was honest, I was surprised that he hadn't noticed them already.

"Tom, stop." I gulped as I looked down at him. But it was too late. The boy stared at my stomach, his lips still pursed to kiss my skin as he slowly but surely raised his head away from my body.

"Love...what the fuck are those?" He mumbled quietly as his eyes scanned over the scars. I gulped harshly and bit my lip, my heart almost pounding out of my chest as tears pricked my eyes.

"I'm sorry, Tom-."

"What are they? I need to hear you say it." He choked as he looked up at me. My heart broke even more with the sight of tears pricking his stunning chocolate eyes. I had no problem with hurting myself on most days, but hurting Tom, the boy who I loved more than anything, was a different kind of pain. One that tore me up from the inside, one that I'd never recover from.

"You know that I struggle with my mental health, Tommy. You know that I have days where I don't even want to live-."

"I know, Y/N, but I didn't realise that you'd ever actually done something about that. That you'd ever actually hurt yourself." He choked and shook his head. I bit my lip and looked down, my heart not strong enough to look Tom in the eyes as tears rolled down my face.

"I'm sorry, Tom. I'm sorry for not being strong enough to not do that, I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to resist doing what the voices were saying to do." I cried and shook my head.

"Hey, no. Don't you dare apologise, love." He replied as he sat back up and gently pulled my shaking body into his arms. I let him hold me, both of our faces wet with tears as he gently cradled me on his lap.

"You're not weak for the fact that you did that. You're so fucking strong, self-harm isn't a matter of being strong or being weak. The fact that you battle these thoughts daily and win makes you the strongest person alive in my eyes. It's okay if you sometimes give in and listen to them. It breaks my heart to know that you've done that to yourself, but it's okay to not be strong all of the time." He spoke softly as his hand stroked my hair.

"It's just so fucking hard, Tommy. I still have the daily thoughts that made me do this, I just don't act on it anymore. I'm so tired, Tommy, I'm so fucking tired." I sobbed into his shirt.

"Okay but don't you see the strength in that alone, darling? You've just said that you still have those thoughts, you just don't act on them anymore. The fact that you still think those things but no longer hurt yourself in response to them is amazing in itself. I just wish that I could get rid of those thoughts for you." He admitted. I bit my lip and looked up at him.

"I know that you do, Tommy. For what it's worth, that's why I love you. Being with you makes it so much easier. Sure, the thoughts never completely go away, but you make me feel loved, you make me feel happy and wanted, and that gives me a distraction every time that we're together. You don't realise how much you do for me, but trust me, it's a lot." I nodded. He gave me a small smile, his eyes red from crying as his fingers gently stroked my cheek. He looked at my stomach again.

"I'm sorry, love, but I have to ask. Do you, um...do you still..." He shook his head and cleared his throat, making my heart break again as I knew what he was trying to ask, but realised that he couldn't do it without getting upset.

"No. I haven't done it in about nine months. And I don't plan on starting again. Believe me when I say that I still don't feel great, but I have it under control. You've got nothing to worry about, Tommy." I reassured.

"Okay, g-good. But promise me that if you ever feel like you want to do that again, you talk to me. I don't care what time it is, I don't care if I'm working, I don't care if I'm on the other side of the planet. You tell me, and I'll do absolutely everything that I can to make you feel loved and valued, and like you're nothing short of perfect. Because that's exactly what you are, and it kills me inside that you can't see that sometimes." He shook his head.

"I promise that I will, Tommy. For what it's worth, you always make me feel like that anyway." I promised. He gulped and nodded, making me give him a small smile as I leant up and gently kissed him. He returned the kiss, his fingers gently holding up my chin as our lips pressed together. I broke it and looked at him.

"I love you, sweetheart. So fucking much. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you." He choked and shook his head.

"I love you too, Tommy. But don't worry, I'm not going anywhere." I reassured. He gave me a small smile and nodded as he curled his arms further around me and lay us back down.

"Can we just cuddle, Tommy? I don't feel like now is the best time for us to have sex for the first time." I smiled, making him chuckle and nod as he looked at me.

"You're right, love, nothing kills the mood like a serious conversation. But I'm glad that I saw them, I'm glad that I know. Now I can do absolutely everything in my power to help you get through this and to make sure that you never do that to yourself again." He shook his head.

"Thank you. I love you for it." I nodded. He returned it and gave me a small smile, making me return it as I rested my head on his chest and sighed out at the fact that my boyfriend finally knew my big secret. And despite what I thought, it was all okay.