It had now been two weeks since we had been to the hospital and Hamza as due for a check up. He had lost 5 kilos and his mood had been down from the constant vomiting, but it had eased these last couple of days so I was glad that he seemed to be getting better.

Every time he vomited I would start crying. Seeing my poor baby in such pain and restlessness didn't sit well with me, not to mention Hafsa had also been feeling upset about Hamza's sickness.

One good thing that came from this was that Jessica had indirectly sort of apologized to me for not paying more attention to Hamza when she had let him play outside that day he first vomited which made me smile.

It was a small step, but a step forward nonetheless. Alhamdulillah.

"Can I come too, mummy? Pleaase??" Hafsa whined as she latched onto my leg while I was trying to wear my tights.

"Hafsa, let go for one second, will you? I'm trying to put my pants on." I said as I tried prying her hands away from my leg.

"Mummy, please!?" She pouted up at me.

"If you want to come, you need to ask me properly. Not by holding my leg. Let go, please." I spoke clearly. I knew better than to say okay and make her let go of my leg. All that would do is make it seem like she could get whatever she wanted once she nagged me enough for it.

Her lips began quivering and I knew she was going to have a meltdown.

"Hafsa, no." I told her, but it was to no avail. She had already began screaming at the top of her lungs, throwing herself onto the floor while I shut my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose.

I pulled up my tights, glancing at Hamza who was lying on my bed sleepily watching his sister's meltdown in silence with a stoic expression.

After putting on my white dress and a black plain everyday abaya on, tying it with the string across my waist, I tied a cream hijab on my head, ignoring Hafsa as she continued crying and screaming.

"Hafsa, you're okay." I said once I was ready. "You don't have to cry. Calm down."

She looked up at me, her cheeks red and tears streaming down her face as she continued to wail.

I bent down to get to eye level with her and ran my hand over her cheeks. "Hafsa, calm down. When you stop, we are going to leave." I told her but she moved her hands away from her face and instead hit my hands.

I shut my eyes, sighing as I felt a built up of emotions.

I was so grateful for my life and I wouldn't change my children for the world. But being a single mother was tough as is. Being a single mother of twins was even harder, and me? I was a single mother of two, one of whom had autism.

Sometimes it was all too much. Being a parent was tough, period. Considering everything that I had to put up with, sometimes I really did feel like giving up. I did want to get away from my children. I wanted time to myself. I wanted to sleep in on the weekends.

I loved my children more than anything that this world could offer me, but I was a human and these emotions were normal.

I remember when I had just given birth. Both Hamza and Hafsa would wake up in alternating turns throughout the night and there were many, many days where I hadn't gotten a blink of sleep for 46 hours.

I looked down at Hafsa and told her to stop but she didn't listen.

I shook my head and walked to the bed instead, running a hand over Hamza's hair. "Come on, baby. Time to go doctors again."

"I don't want to go there." He said, closing his eyes and turning the other way.

I sighed.

"Fine then. I guess you won't come to world of chaos." I said, seeing his body stiffen slightly as he turned around.

"World of chaos?" He asked with wide eyes.

I smiled and nodded. World of chaos was a massive indoor play centre filled with ball pits, slides, swings, trampolines and basically everything you could ever want in a play centre even as an adult.

If only they had things like that when I was a kid.

"Okaaay," He drawled, rolling his eyes even though he was unaware that he had failed miserably to hide his excitement.

I chuckled and watched as he walked over to his cupboard and waited for me impatiently to pick out his clothes.

In the background, Hafsa has finally finished with her meltdown and was now hiccuping trying to catch her breath.

I turned around and kneeled on the floor, stripping Hamza out of his clothes and dressing him in his outfit.

After he was dressed, I finally looked at Hafsa, her eyes red and her lip poured as she looked at the ground once she saw me look at her.

"Hafsa, are you ready to ask mummy nicely now?" I asked her and she nodded her head, coming closer cautiously to stand in front of me.

"Can I please come with you and Hamza to go to world of chaos, please?" I smiled at the way she used please twice. She was really trying.

"Of course you can, baby." I smiled at her, pulling my sleeve down to dry her cheeks. "Are you okay now?" I asked her and she nodded silently.

"I love you." I told her and she sniffled and said that she loved me back. I pulled her into my chest and hugged her tightly, running my hand up and down her little back softly.

After getting her dressed as well, we were finally ready to go. I got Hafsa a jacket just in case and put it in my bag seeing as though I had dressed her in a T-shirt and Hamza has a long sleeve. Generally Hamza got more cold than she did just because she had a little more meat on her bones, my chubby little girl.

And yes, sometimes I also liked to match my own clothes with my children. It was cute. Don't judge me.

There was only one detail today that I didn't tell anyone about. After two weeks of constant thoughts and reflecting and praying and istikhara, I finally decided that I would let Zaid officially meet the kids.

I had messaged him last night that we had a doctors appointment and he agreed to come within the minute.

After buckling Hamza and Hafsa into their seats, we took off to the hospital.

I walked to the doctors office with both the kids holding either of my hand until Hamza began whining and wanting to be picked up.

I threw the bag on my shoulder over my other shoulder and picked up Hamza onto my right hip, holding him steady while holding Hafsa's hand with my other hand. #SingleMumLife.

Alhamdulillah.

We sat in the waiting room and I watched with a smile as both the kids played with the toys in the corner with one other girl who seemed about their age.

"As salamu alaykum." I heard deeply from beside me, making the smile wipe off my face and my body go stiff.

Okay, calm down. You had prepped yourself all week for this. Act normal. Act indifferent.

I cleared my throat and glanced beside me, looking up at him. His face was apprehensive like he was waiting for me to change my mind and snap any second.

"Wa alaykum salam." I answered as I cleared my throat yet again.

"Is he already in?" He asked me.

I licked my lips and shook my head, using my hand to gesture in the direction Hamza and Hafsa were playing in. I watched him as his knees seemed to weaken when he saw Hafsa was there too, laughing as Hamza handed her a toy.

He looked like he would collapse, his shoulders slumping in relaxation as he watched her, his eyes welling up with tears as he sat down on the chair beside me, wiping the wetness from his eyes but to no avail as a fresh set were ready in tow.

I felt a lump grow in my throat as I looked at him, his face filled with love, happiness, adoration, awe and longing.

A soft sob escaped his mouth as he leaned his head against the wall behind him and shut his eyes, a tear sliding down his cheek as he whispered words of shukr to Allah. He wiped his face again, sniffling slightly as I clenched my teeth, not letting the waiting tears fall.

"She's beautiful, Allahumma barik laha." He whispered softly, his voice deep.

"She is." I replied. "They both are." I added, looking at Hamza who was now looking at Zaid with furrowed eyebrows. He took Hafsa's hand and made her get up despite her efforts to continue playing.

He came up to me, not once moving his eyes from Zaid's face which made me smile. Even at four years old he was already protective of me.

"What's wrong baby?" I asked as Hamza crawled onto my lap.

"Hamza said that's enough playing." Hafsa whined as she looked sideways to Zaid for a second before facing me again.

"Hamza," I said as he leaned into my chest, facing his back to Zaid.

"Number 49, please?" The nurse said as she came out of the room, cutting me off.

I sighed. "Come on then."

"Hafsa, look, this is..." I paused, Zaid's body stiffening beside me. "My...my friend." I settled with a sigh. There was no way I could've said your dad already. Absolutely no way.  "His name is Zaid. Do you want to play with the toys with him while me and Hamza see the doctor?" I asked her with a smile.

She looked up at him with wide eyes and he gave her a small smile. Her head tilted up to look at me and she shook her head no quickly and fisted my abaya in her hand tightly, sticking to my side and moving behind my leg.

I swallowed as I saw the absolute heartbreak that replaced the love in Zaid's eyes.

I cleared my throat and placed a hand on her hair. "Okay, baby. Lets go." I said after mouthing a flimsy apology to Zaid for reasons unknown to me.

The appointment didn't last long and I was pleased when the doctor said he would be completely back to normal in two or three days.

I thanked them as we walked out of the room with both kids, seeing Zaid pacing the hallway.

"Zaid," I said, catching his attention. He stopped pacing and turned to look at us. "The doctor said Hamza will be back to normal in a couple of days." I said, as I smiled down at Hamza.

Zaid grinned. "Alhamdulillah." He said.

Hamza looked up at that and furrowed his eyebrows yet again. "Are you a Muslim?" He asked and it was decided that the first form of communication between the two was Hamza asking his dad whether or not he was Muslim.

I looked at Zaid quickly and saw him take an intake of breath, clearly just as shocked as me that Hamza had actually spoken to him.

"Yes." He said with a apprehensive smile. "I am a Muslim. Are you?" He asked back.

"Alhamdulillah." Hamza answered him making my heart swell.

"Let's go then." I said as I smiled at Hamza whose eyes lit up brightly as he obviously remembered we were going to world of chaos.

"Yaaayy!!" Hafsa cheered as she skipped along while still holding my hand. If she was any bigger, she would've been ahead of me, but my one step was her two and so even though she was skipping she was still in line with me.

::::::

"Wow." Zaid muttered as we entered the massive playground. "They never had stuff like this when I was a kid." He said as he looked around.

The smell of fried food hit my nostrils, all the colours of the rainbow surrounding the whole centre, kids freely running a muck as they willed as there was no room for danger anywhere. Everything was made of either foam or plastic and gates that could only be opened by adults surrounded the area. The cheering and laughing of all the children was practically deafening as I looked around. The best part? The place was owned by Muslims meaning it had a prayer room and all the food was halal. Alhamdulillah.

"When were you a kid?" Hafsa asked slowly as she tilted her head all the way up to look at Zaid who was obviously much taller than her than I was.

Every time either of the kids spoke openly around him, he looked about ready to cry, but now that Hafsa had actually spoken to him, he was about to bawl his eyes out.

It was like he was frozen in place, not believing that she had actually spoken to him.

"Come on, Hafsa!" Hamza yelled as he pulled his hand out of mine and took Hafsa's instead, leading her to the shoe lockers where they managed to take off their shoes.

I chuckled softly, looking at Zaid. "You just missed your chance." I said with a light smile.

He looked at me, his mouth still agape. I rolled my eyes, holding in my laughter as I walked ahead. "Hamza, look after your sister." I said to him.

"I know, mum." He called back as he put his shoes in an empty locker before taking Hafsa's shoes also and putting them in the same one before taking her hand once again as they both ran straight to the big tunnel sides.

I shook my head and found a small rounded table for four in a corner and sat down, putting Hamza and Hafsa's bags on the empty seats.

"So he's protective of her, huh?" Zaid spoke as he sat down across me.

"Move your chair to the side so I can see them." I said and he did as I said. "Yes, he is." I answered his earlier question with a smile.

"Hafsa's a little..." I trailed off and cleared my throat. "She's a bit unique." I said.

Zaid raised an eyebrow as he looked at me. "What do you mean?"

"She's got atypical autism." I said.

"She doesn't look autistic?" He said in a questioning tone, his eyes deflating.

"It's not like classic autism. She meets some of the criteria for autistic disorder, but not all. So she has fewer symptoms than those with classic autistic disorder." I tried explaining.

"What problems?" He asked me.

"We found out about a year ago. She couldn't talk as much as Hamza and she wasn't as independent as he was. She doesn't show her expressions much. She can be really happy but with a small smile, that just shows how excited she is. She doesn't understand other people's feelings as much. Hamza's more mature than her. She has tantrums and meltdowns when she feels out of place or threatened, scared, sometimes when she doesn't get her way." I sighed. "She's amazing. In every way. She's just a little bit different. Hamza understands that and he makes sure she's okay. All the time." I whispered as I wiped a stray tear away from my cheek.

"You okay?" He asked softly.

"Yes. I'm fine. I'm just so grateful that Allah blessed me with two beautiful children. If I didn't have them, I probably would have lost myself years ago." I spoke.

"You mean when I left you..." Zaid trailed off softly as he looked at me through broken eyes.

I clenched my jaw. "Do you remember our last night together?" I asked him, my eyes narrowed, not angrily but it just helped keep the tears at bay.

"I remember every single day I spent with you, Sumayya." He said softly.

"Do you remember the last night?" I repeated. This probably wasn't the best of places to be having this conversation, but it was loud and so no one could possibly hear us speaking in the corner. And it was sure that the kids were going to be busying themselves for at least another hour before they came crying for food.

"Yes." He said.

I tilted my head to the side. "Do you, really?"

"Sumi," He began but I cut him off.

"Let me explain it to you one more time because wallahi that night is engraved in my memory and every time I remember it my heart aches, Zaid." I said, making him swallow. I saw his eyes gloss over but I didn't even think about stopping.

He had hurt me more than I could ever hurt him. Maybe hurting him a little would give me some closure.

"Do you remember, I was just about to fall alseep, drifting in and out of consciousness and you called my name. I turned around. In the dark room, all I could see were your eyes. The same eyes that I look into when I stare at my son every single day. The last thing of yours I saw were your eyes before you left. I asked you, Zaid. I asked you what was wrong. I had asked you the same question for weeks before had and you gave me the same answer. You said nothing was wrong no matter how much I pushed you, no matter how much I tried telling you I was there for you through everything. I remember hearing your heartbeat. Again and again I asked you if you were okay. You lied. You said you felt like holding me." I scoffed and he cut me off.

"I did!" He defended.

I shook my head. "You didn't. You were saying goodbye. Then you told me how there were so many other men that deserved me and that you didn't." He tensed visibly and I continued. "I told you there weren't. I said we were perfect. You were perfect for me. I guess you were right though. There probably were other people who wouldn't have left me. I asked you again if everything was okay. Do you realize how many chances I gave you to talk to me? We could have gone through everything together. Yet you chose to leave me. Without notice." I spoke as I exhaled and wiped my cheeks with a napkin, pouring myself a cup of water. I took the cup to my lips but stopped when he spoke.

"What did I say after that? Is that what you remember up to?" He asked me, making my heart race rapidly. "Do you remember what I told you?" He spoke up.

I remembered clearly.

He looked down at me, nodding, stroking my cheekbone with the back of his hand he cupped my cheek and placed a kiss on my forehead. "I love you so much." He said. "I'll always love you, okay? Promise me you won't forget that."

"What is up with you, Zaid?" I asked him, not knowing where all of this was coming from all of a sudden.

"Just promise me." He said.

I stared into his eyes for a few moments, trying to figure out exactly why he was acting so strange, but they were so clouded with so many emotions that I couldn't make out any one of them. "I promise." I said, nodding my head. "I'll always love you too." I reassured him, feeling like he needed that at the moment.

"You promised me that you won't forget." He said.

I drank the water in the cup and put the cup back down. "Actions speak much louder than words do, Zaid." I said, my heart clenching when I saw his shoulders slump.

"I never stopped loving you, Sumi. Wallahi, to this day, I still love you like I did all those years ago."

"It's sad that I can't say the same." I said softly, looking at him with tears in my eyes. "No one has ever hurt me more than you did. My heart hurts to this day, but I stopped loving you long ago. That love was gone when I realized my children were going to grow up without a father because of you."

"Don't do this, Sumi." He said, his voice cracking as he reached over and held my hand across the table. His touch felt like fire and I withdrew my hand, narrowing my eyes at him. "Don't touch me." I spoke through clenched teeth.

"You know why I left. I told you. I left for the better of you. I spent two months contemplating which would hurt you more. If I had died during the treatment then you were going to hate me so it wouldn't matter. If I had told you then you never would have been able to move on." He said to me.

"Did I move on?" I asked him softly.

He paused, licking his lips and all the sounds of the children and everything else dimmed as I looked at him, waiting for an answer.

"No." He spoke.

"Then clearly you made the wrong decision." I said to him softly. That hurt him. His face contorted in pain as if I had punched him in the gut or something and he ran his fingers through his hair.

"I wouldn't have been able to be with you through the pregnancy and the birth. You would have had to gone through all that alone." He said.

"I went through everything alone anyway. No one was with me in the delivery room."

"Don't say that, Sumayya. You were always in my heart, in my mind. You were the only one who got me through chemotherapy. Without you I would have died long ago."

"I'm glad everything turned out well for you. Alhamdulillah." I said, ignoring the whole entire first part of his sentence.

He reached for my hand once again and I pulled it away before it could make contact this time. "Stop it." I spoke through narrowed eyes.

"Have you lost your religious values since we were together as well?" I said to him.

"Sumayya. I need to tell you something." He said.

"There's more?" I asked with a scoff. I don't know why I was being so difficult. I just couldn't help myself. After five years of bottling up all my emotions, the person who had broke my heart was across me and I was letting everything out, opening the flood gates and emptying all the things I had bottled up until today. I would be lying if I said it didn't feel good.

"Sumayya. We're....us, I mean..." He paused and took a deep breath. "Sumi, we're still married..." He trailed off, clenching his jaw as he stared into my eyes judging my reaction.

My heart was beating erratically in my chest as I shook my head slowly. "N-no...you divorced me. I signed the papers." I spoke. "That can't be."

"I couldn't do it, Sumayya. No matter how much I wanted to let you go and start your own life, I couldn't do it. I never handed them in. The lawyer told me that if you tried to get married ever, it would come up and they would notify me for a court case and I had to...I had to know if you ever tried to get married so I never gave them in." He explained, looking at me almost nervously. He looked glad to have gotten that off his chest.

Married. We were still married? So what...Zaid never stopped being my husband?

I shook my head lightly and took my fingers to my forehead, easing the lined as my head almost began spinning. "I need..." I stood up and began walking to the bathroom, needing some time away from him.

:::::

-Zaid's p.o.v-

She got up and began walking away from the table towards the bathroom, leaving me a mess by myself.

I leaned my elbows on the table and took my head in my hands. Why did nothing feel like it was going to fall into place?

Maybe I had made a mistake by leaving her without notice, but god forbid if she had actually found a husband during my absence, I'm sure she would have preferred my decision then.

She never would have let go of you.

The voice inside my head loved siding with Sumayya and making me feel worse than I already was.

I don't care if it was until my last breath, I was going to get her to love me again. I knew she still loved me. She was just trying to hurt me by saying she didn't. If she had forgotten about me, there was no way she'd still be so hurt over me leaving.

Sumayya and I had something else. Neither of us could forget the other and we definitely would never stop loving each other.

She was my wife. She always will be my wife and InshaaAllah we will be reunited in Jannah.

"Where's my mum?" I looked up quickly as I heard Hamza's voice, his eyes were half wide and he looked panicked.

"She just went to the bathroom. Is everything okay? Where's your sister?" I asked quickly, not seeing Hafsa anywhere.

"She's having one of her cwyings again."

Cryings?

Was that what Sumi meant by a tantrum?

"Where is she, Hamza?" I asked him nervously as I stood up.

"Where's my mum!? I don't want you!" He said to me loudly.

"Hamza, please." I spoke, my heart beating wildly. "Where's Hafsa? I promise I'm only going to help! We'll take her to your mum." I said as I knelt and held his forearms in my hands, the contact sending shockwaves up my arms. SubhanAllah. This was my son. My baby.

The day he and Hafsa called me Baba and loved me inshaaAllah was the day I could die a happy man.

"Hamza, take me to her." I said, hoping he knew I wasn't going to cause her harm.

He nodded after a couple of seconds of contemplation and turned around running down the side of the play centre and behind the playground where it was more quiet. I could already hear Hafsa's crying and screaming and when we turned the corner the scene broke my heart. Hafsa was standing in a corner, tears down her cheeks as she screamed, her eyes screwed shut. She was hitting her own head over and over, her forehead had formed a red mark on it from how much she had hit herself.

"Hey, hey, hey..." I said quickly as I went in front of her and held her wrists down as she tried to pull them away. "Shhh," I coaxed as I held both her hands in one of my own and used my free hand to wipe away at her cheeks.

"Hafsa," I said, repeating her name, but it was like she couldn't hear me. I didn't even know how to help my own daughter.

Tears were now falling down my eyes. Seeing her in pain caused me pain that I never thought I could feel. "Hafsa, baby, listen to me." I spoke as I held her cheek.

"Mummy hugs her." Hamza said from beside me.

I didn't need to be told twice as I gathered her in my arms, my arm wrapped around her body and I held her head to my chest with my other hand, kissing the top of her head. "Shhh, it's okay, Hafsa. You're okay." I said as I felt her screaming lessen. It went more quiet and I sighed, my tears clearing as I clenched my jaw. She was okay. I was okay.

She fit so perfectly into my chest, her tiny body encompassed in my arms.

I would protect these kids for as long as I was alive.

I looked to the side at Hamza who was watching us with a frown, his eyes looking concerned for his sister. "You okay, buddy?" I asked softly.

"Yes." He answered and I took a hand to his head, running it over his hair. "Well done, Hamza. You helped your sister. I'm proud of you." I said softly.

"Thank you for helping her." He said simply as he stepped away, making my heart break.

"You don't need to thank me." I said softly, not even sure if he heard me or not.

"Hafsa?" I whispered.

I pulled her away but she pushed herself back into my chest making my heart swell. I wrapped my arms around her tightly, not letting go. She sniffles and I felt her rubbing her nose into my shoulder which made me smile. She had never been able to vomit on me as a baby so I wasn't going to complain about anything, even if the suit jacket that I was wearing needed to be washed now.

"What happened, Hamza?" I asked him.

"We don't talk about things that make Hafsa have cwyings." He said simply and I nodded.

"Okay, let's go back to the table. Are you hungry?" I asked him.

He didn't react, he was staring at Hafsa as she pulled back. "I'm hungwy." She said shyly.

"Okay, princess. Let's go get food then." I said, holding her cheek in my hand as I wiped away the last few tears on her cheek. She leaned back into me much to my surprise and actually wrapping her arms around my neck.

"Let's go, buddy." I said as I gestured him to walk in front of me.

He gave Hafsa one last glance before clearly trusting me with her and walking ahead, back to the main area. He saw Sumayya up ahead, looking around seeming panicked and he ran ahead to her, wrapping his arms around her knees. Her eyes widened and she looked around nervously before lifting him up into her arms before Hamza pointed towards me. Her eyes widened and she looked shock but recovered quickly and rushed over to me.

Sumayya's p.o.v [Sorry for the constant switch of p.o.v]

He pointed to wherever Hafsa was and the scene only mildly calmed my raging heartbeat as I saw a calm looking Hafsa in Zaid's arms, her arms around his shoulders and his wrapped around her back.

I exhaled and went to them, putting Hamza down and calling Hafsa's name.

She lifted her head and looked at me. Before unwrapping her arms from Zaid's neck and reaching for me. "Come here." I sighed as I took her into my arms and hugged her. "Hafsa is okay, isn't she?" I asked and I felt her nod her head, my body relaxing. "Let me see." I said and she pulled back, bending her head downward so I could inspect her forehead. I ran my thumb over it and kissed it with a smile. "It's okay." I told her and she smiled. "Your fwend said we can get food." She said. "I'm hungwy."

"Okay, baby. Let's go get food." I put her down and turned to get my purse from my bag.

"Mummy?" Hamza spoke up beside me. "Yes?" I said with a smile. "Are you angwy at me?" He asked making me raise an eyebrow.

"What? Of course not! Why would I be, sweetheart?" I said as I kneeled next to him and ran a hand over his hair.

"Because I told your fwend and couldn't find you and I couldn't take care of Hafsa. The boy was bigger than me, he yelled to huwwy up and I was scared." He whispered, ensuring Hafsa didn't hear the recount of what had happened. I smiled at him.

"I love you so much, Hamza. I could never be angry at you. You did the right thing. My friend is a good guy, okay? He cares about you and Hafsa. I promise. You can trust him."

"But he makes mummy sad." He said.

I sighed. "No, I'm not sad. What did I tell you last time? I'll be sad if you don't like him." I smiled.

"Can we get food!? I'm hungwy." Hafsa said and I turned around to look at her. She was holding Zaid's hand. I cleared my throat and licked my lips. "Let's go." I said with a smile.

I held Hamza's hand and gave him a kiss. "I promise I'm not angry at you." I said to him again and he nodded as we went to the canteen to order and no matter how much I tried to make Zaid stop, he ended up swiping a card over the machine and paying for the food.

And as we sat down on the table and ate, listening to Hafsa and Hamza explain the fun they had, for a couple of minutes, even if it was a little, I felt at ease. We felt like a family, the struggles and heart ache I've been through in the past years being forgotten for that short period of time, and somehow, I was okay with that. Alhamdulillah.

:::::

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