Not edited, comment mistakes x

"I'm glad you called, alhamdulillah." He said as he placed an arm on the table.

I couldn't look him in the eye. "You've left the house in trackies." I stated.

Zaid never ever left the home in anything but a suit after we had gotten married except for a thawb when he used to go to the masjid.

"I left as soon as you called." He said and I sighed.

There was a few moments of awkward silence that was broken by the waiter who asked Zaid what he wanted to eat or drink. Zaid just asked for a bottle of water and the waiter nodded, leaving the table.

"So," I began slowly, not wanting to engage in small talk. "What do you want to know?" I asked as I leaned forward and took a sip from my coffee.

He scoffed light heartedly and shook his head. "Everything." He answered. "I've missed so much, I know. But I want to know everything I can about them." He told me.

A small smile took over my lips as I thought of where to begin. "Well, they're amazing kids, alhamdulillah. They're well-mannered. They're kind. They're not spoilt. They really didn't have the chance to be spoiled since I didn't have he means to spoil them anyway." I spoke, Zaid visibly cringed and I fixed up my sentence. "I bought them everything they needed. We were comfortable, we just weren't rich. Alhamdulillah." I said and he nodded. "When I tell them off for things, they always listen to..."

He cut me off with yet another question, a small smile now on his lips too, his eyes slightly glossed over. "What do they do to make you tell them off?"

"They sometimes argue about toys. They get jealous for my affection." I smiled and he released a soft chuckle. "They wake each other up at night. They don't eat their food."

"What food's do they like?"

"They eat everything really. They're not picky. Sometimes they switch their cups during breakfast, but generally Hamza prefers apple juice and Hafsa likes orange juice." I said.

He exhaled.

Zaid likes orange juice and I like apple juice.

"They love my mum's shawarma." I said.

He smiled. "Who wouldn't?"

The smile wiped off my face and I cleared my throat. "What else?"

"Do they get along?"

I nodded. "Extremely well. They're basically inseparable."

"What do they like doing?"

"We watch Zaky at night before sleeping..." I realised he raised an eyebrow and smiled slightly. "It's this cartoon of a purple bear and he explains stuff about Islam. We usually watch one video a night. Uh, they like playing with their toys. We don't really have time to go out because of my work, but they enjoy going to the park like any kid. Hamza likes action figures. Batman's his favourite, but he loves transformers as well. And Hafsa..."

I looked up at him. He had a content look on his face as he listened to me intently, his eyes still glossed over.

"Hafsa likes cars. Loves cars actually." I said softly, there was no point of lying anyway. I watched the way his eyes lit up and his mouth parted.

"Cars?" He asked me, his voice barely above a whisper.

I nodded. "Like you." I forced myself to say. Well done, Sumayya. Slow steps. Start accepting that he is in fact their father and they carry just as much of his genes as they do yours.

Maybe admitting that one of their traits did in fact stem from Zaid was the first step in fully accepting that he was indeed their father, and he had as much right to know them as I did.

"Like me." He whispered and a quiet sob escaped his lips as he took his head in his hands and said her name, making my heart ache.

"When..." He cleared his throat. "When do you think I can meet them?" He said, looking into my eyes wearily, as if judging what my answer would be.

"I-I...I, uh...I'm not sure." I exhaled, sipping my coffee before shaking my head and changing my mind. Why was I trying so hard not to offend him? He didn't deserve my sympathy. Yes, he hadn't had the blessing that I had of being able to raise our children and that clearly upset him greatly, but even though he did have possibly the most legitimate excuse you could have in his situation, it wasn't my fault. He left. He cut contact with me. It was his own fault.

"Honestly, I need time to let you into the kids lives. As much as they're your kids, you know I have more right over them at this point." I said, watching him as his face changed to a solemn look and he clenched his jaw. "To me, they're my kids and you're their father. Even when I decide to let you see them. It's going to be a slow process."

"What've you told them about me?" He asked, raising an eyebrow as if he thought I badmouthed him to them.

"Nothing." I scoffed.

"So they'll like me?" He questioned.

"They don't even know you! I've been their mum and dad for the past three years. They wouldn't even know what the word baba means if I didn't live with my dad."

"As long as you didn't badmouth me to them." He muttered.

I looked at him with narrowed eyes. Was he trying to make me seem like the bad one here?

"I never did such a thing, but even still, Hamza doesn't want to meet you, okay? Is that what you want to hear?" I said, feeling angry. "Hamza doesn't like you because even at such a young age he said that you make me sad. Hafsa doesn't like you either. And this is with me not telling anything about you to them. If you want me to tell you the complete truth then I will. But don't try to pin me as the bad one even though I'm here still trying to help you despite everything I went through because of you."

His eyes were half wide as I got up to leave, but he quickly stopped me, apologising as he made me sit yet again. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. Wallah, I didn't." He said.

I exhaled and rubbed my temples, leaning my elbows on the table. "You've ruined my life." I whispered softly, a stray tear escaping, sliding down the side of my cheek.

"Everything I ever did was for your own good. If I died, you could have moved on if you hated me."

I looked up at him, seeing the honesty in his eyes and I wished things went differently.

Thoughts of both of us raising Hamza and Hafsa together flooded my brain and I felt overwhelmed.

"Have I moved on Zaid? How did you ever think I'd be able to?" I asked him, shaking my head as I looked at the table, holding back as many tears as possible.

"No, but you do hate me." He said making me automatically scoff and release a humorless laugh. "You don't?" He asked me quickly when he saw my reaction.

Why was my life so stressful? Alhamdulillah.

Allah's plan over my own though, indeed He knew why He planned my life the way He did, Alhamdulillah.

"Maybe that's the worst thing about this whole thing. No matter what I went through because of you, I still can't hate you." I said softly.

He sighed. "I told you already, Sumayya. Even if it's until my last breath, I'm going to keep trying to make us a family again."

I gave him a small smile, but it was more of a condescending one, shaking my head, I spoke. "I told you already, Zaid. You're the father of my children and even if you get closer with them, we'll never be a family again."

He stayed silent and I crossed my arms over my chest. "They're going to start day care soon. In about a month. You can meet them before then, InShaAllah."

"A month?" He sputtered, his eyes wide. "Why not before then?"

"I need time to get them used to the idea of having a dad, Zaid. I'm not putting them through psychological problems because of you."

"What day care are they going to go to?"

We went back to questions and answers and he got to know Hamza and Hafsa. An hour had passed before I even knew it and I only realised when Jessica's name began flashing over the screen right as I was telling Zaid that Hamza was born first and Hafsa twenty minutes later.

"Hello?" I answered quickly.

"Where are you?" She said, her voice taught as I heard one of the kids screaming in the back.

"I'm sorry, Jessica. I didn't realise the time. I'll be home soon."

"Calm Hamza down first." She ordered me with a scoff before the scream got louder.

I glanced at Zaid who was studying my face.

"Baby?" I questioned.

The crying dimmed as Zaid straightened in his seat.

"Mummy!" He wailed as I heard him sob.

"What's wrong? Tell mummy what's wrong." I said, rubbing my forehead with my fingers as I almost felt Zaid smile from across the table.

"You come home at four and Jessy said it's passed four." He wailed and I couldn't help but smile.

"I know, baby, I know. I'm sorry. I'm coming home right now, okay?" I said as I took my bag off the floor beside me, holding my phone between my ear and shoulder as I took a five dollar bill out of my purse and put it under the empty coffee mug. I stood up, Zaid standing up after me.

"How long?" He asked, his sniffling dying down.

"Ten minutes. Okay? Only ten minutes." I said, rushing to my car as I heard Zaid's footsteps right behind me.

"Okay, mummy. I love you."

"I love you too, baby."

"And Hafsa said I love you."

"I love her too."

I said and the phone call ended.

"I have to go." I said.

"Did something happen?" He asked me.

"No. I'm late, that's all." I said simply as I unlocked the car and got inside.

"They're really attached to you, huh?" He said, his lips tugged upwards slightly as he looked down at me. I turned the key and started the car.

"I guess that's what happens when you're the mother and the father." I said, watching as the smile fell off his face, disappearing completely as soon as the words spilled out of my mouth.

I paused, not meaning to voice the thoughts in my mind. I contemplated apologising, but instead, shook my head and quickly reversed and sped out of the car park, looking at him through the rear view mirror as he leaned against a car and took his head into his hands making my insides hurt and my eyes gloss over.

::::

"Mummy!"

"Baby!" I said, kneeling on the floor and opening my arms as I watched Hamza run across the room and into my arms, throwing his little arms around my neck tightly and laying his head on my shoulder.

"I love you so much, Hamza." I said, squeezing him to my chest before pulling away and holding his little face in my hands, kissing his cheeks and his forehead.

"I love you too, mummy." He said as he leaned forward placing a kiss on my cheek.

"Mummy!" Hafsa yelled as she also ran into the room and then into my open arms as I smiled at her widely. She was so beautiful.

I murmured her name softly and hugged her just as tightly, inhaling the beautiful floral scent of her hair and telling her I loved her.

"I love you too, mummy." She said, looking up at me with a wide smile and big sparkling eyes.

I was literally in love with these children. I had no idea what I would do without them.

"Where's grandpa?" I asked them with a smile.

"Gwandpa is at the police."

"Jessy said he has a long day." Hamza said after Hafsa.

"Okay, well how about we get uncle Justin and go to McDonalds, huh?"

Their eyes widened and they jumped up and down, screaming in excitement. 

I laughed and held their hands, going upstairs and knocking on Justin's door.

"What?" He called before telling me to come in after I asked if he was dressed properly.

"Uncle J!" The kids both screamed as they ran to him.

He smiled at both of them and opened his arms as they struggled to climb up onto his bed and into his arms.

"We're going to McDonald's!" They cheered and I chuckled as I watched Justin widen his eyes in fake excitement and high 5 the both of them.

Justin hated that I gave the kids McDonald's at all, but they really enjoyed it and the way their faces would light up in excitement for a simple happy meal toy made me happy. I didn't get it for them often. Once a month maybe, if that.

We had gone last week with mum, but it had been a rough few weeks and I knew the kids were sensing my change of mood so why not make them happy?

"Come on, let's go get changed." I said to them and Justin got up, placing both of them on the floor before walking to his cupboard to change while we went into my room and I dressed the kids.

While Hamza and Hafsa were playing on the playground, I explained what I had done to Justin.

He didn't seem to happy about it though he didn't get angry either.

"You're a twenty four year old woman with two kids, Sumayya. You can make your own decisions by yourself. If you think you're doing what's best for the kids and yourself, then I'll support you."

"Do you think I'm doing what's best for the kids?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. Time will tell, but you're definitely not doing something bad for them."

"InshaAllah." I muttered.

::::

"Hamza?" I whispered.

"Yes, mummy?" He asked me, opening his eyes and lifting his head off my shoulder to look up at me in the dim lighting from the lamp on my bedside table.

I looked into his bright eyes, wondering whether or not I should tell him the thoughts in my head.

No doubt Hamza was mature, Allahumma barik.

He would easily pass as Hafsa's older brother rather than her twin, but he was still a baby nonetheless.

I knew Hamza had ill-thoughts about Zaid, but how was I supposed to coax him into softening towards the idea of his dad?

"You know how I said you two are going to start school soon?" I asked him softly, careful not to wake up Hafsa.

He nodded his head.

"Well, when you do, there's going to be lots of kids there." I said to him, his smile widening.

"Does that mean I'm going to have more friends?" He asked, his voice getting louder as I chuckled and shushed him.

"Yeah, but when those kids, go to school, they take their baba's with them too." I said softly, licking my lips and clearing my throat as I ran my fingers through his soft hair. "So maybe you and Hafsa should start to see your baba, yeah? So your baba can take you to school like your friends." I said with a wide smile despite the pain in my eyes.

My children didn't deserve this.

At such a young age, look at the talk I was having with my baby.

Alhamdulillah though, there were so many poor children in the world who had it so much worse.

The smile was wiped off his face as he looked up at me. He put his head back on my chest and put his little arm over my waist, not saying a word.

I bit my lip, running my hand over his hair again. "Baby?"

"Can mummy's take there kids to school too?" He asked quietly.

"Of course they can, but someti..."

"Can you take me all the time, mummy?" He asked, looking up at me once more.

I exhaled, clenching my jaw to stop the growing lump in my throat as I nodded softly. "Of course. Of course I will, Hamza." I whispered as I kissed his hair and told him to go to sleep.

"I love you, mummy."

"I love you, most." I said, wrapping my arm around his small form and inhaling his scent.

He moved around for a while until he eventually got comfortable and his breathing slowed as he fell asleep.

I guess it was going to take longer than I expected to have Hamza warm up to the idea of getting close with his dad.

I knew Hafsa wouldn't be as much of, if a problem, at all. I saw the way her eyes lit up when I first mentioned their dad to them and she always had a gleam of hope in her eyes even if she didn't even quite realise it herself.

Maybe it was that whole mothers with their sons and father's with their daughters thing.

You know, daddy's girl, mummy's boy.

Ya Allah help this process go by as smoothly as possible. Help me make the best decisions for the well being of my children.

:::::

Next chapter will be the last chapter with no interaction between Zaid and the kids. :) x