A/N: Trigger alert- Sad episode/ mention of trauma. Have a good grasp before going ahead.

-

Exhaustion and nightmares seemed to be pleased with her company that they clutched her with clawed hands every night. Fragments of memories would pierce on every old wound she refrained from touching and the loud shouts from the quarrel would never cease to be heard across her mind.

Just the few people that kept her sane, allowed to breathe a little through the day was Mia- a sight for her sore being; Jay- though often he'd vanish but was a magician when in sight; Maasi- her comfort from every bitter; Arya and Aditi- a sweet chaos together and mainly Sanskaar- her soothing warmth in the world of her harsh winter.

"Swara?" Sanskaar paused from his rant to call out, the girl seemed to be lost in her own world and eyes just fixed on him as they took a stroll to the lawn.

"Huh?" Swara blinked away her musings and let her lashes cast her hazels from Sanskaar's gaze. She would rather dislike the idea of him finding the darker side of hers.

"You don't look fine." He stated, for he knew Swara would bluntly oppose if he asked about her well being. She was not okay, Sanskar could definitely vouch for how visibly tired she appeared.

"I'm not okay." She sighed in dejection and defeat, "They keep fighting, my father and brother. It disturbs me." As much as she hated to admit nevertheless she reasoned out.

"You should have told me." Sanskaar complained in a soft voice. "You --" and they were cut off by a student who asked him to reach the staff room immediately.

At times, he hated the fact of how these responsibilities often took much toll over his personal space, just like now. Sanskaar snorted but then Swara assured him, "Go, I'll be okay."

Though unwilling to leave her behind, his duty seemed ready to attend and only waited for his presence, "I'll be back soon." On that note, Sanskaar left.

Swara took the stroll alone in an attempt to breathe in some fresh air but it only made her head feel heavy and pale her. It was sudden how she felt her legs swayed, sense numb and vision blurry.

As much as she wanted to voice out for help, her throat had been parched and made her helpless. Swara could no longer hold the control over her sense that she gave up willingly.

Until someone caught by her arms, a familiar voice called her name but the daze of her sense would not let her identity. She was made to sit and offered water. It took a few minutes for Swara to gain her vision without blur.

It's the second time for the day- Swara gulped some more water and held her eyes shut. The exhaustion and weakness had made her often experience dizziness and the day was much worse than she thought.

"Hey? Feeling better?" She turned to see Laksh nearby, real worry and panic visible in his eyes. Swara hummed, for even that little action seemed to hurt her.

Laksh left off a heavy sigh he held a while ago and slumped next to Swara in relief. It was a moment of action when he witnessed Swara stumble and managed to catch her at the perfect time. Glad, that he let his gaze waver for a minute if not-- uff!

"You should take care of your health Swara. How can you even be so careless if you feel sick? ..." Swara's lips pressed together when she realised it was the first time after that day he spoke to her and the fact that he kept complaining about her.

"You better take-" Her silence dawned on him only then that Laksh abruptly paused from speaking and squirted his eyes. What blunder did he even do? His palm automatically reached his eyes.

Indeed it was awkward for both of them, but never did Swara expect it to turn into a surprise at the view. Their betrothal ring was still adorned in Laksh's finger and the red swell due to the tightness, yet he still wore it.

"Swara I- "

"Thank you." Swara was sincerely thankful for his help for both the incidents- for the moment and before -- despite his own wish he let her free and embraced pain. She could never stop herself from thanking me on that basis.

"You don't have to." Laksh gave a small smile. He had numerous scenarios in his mind on how they'd have their first talk but the moment turned everything upside down.

Indeed, it felt awkward but more than that the dull ache in his heart lingered to have Swara near him. How long had it been since he ever sat along, spoke nor even met her eyes?

Laksh hid himself from her by hook nor crook, rather from his own wounded self to invite any pain. He still required time, maybe a few more months to recover his heart back to a stable position.

Maybe then he would look into those pretty hazels without any hesitation. Instead of gloom shadowing his smile, he'd be able to give her the hearty smile back then. Until then, Laksh cannot be near her- that was good for both of them.

"We should go. Classes may start soon." Laksh got up and extended a helping hand, a little hesitant about her choices. Well, he could still be hurt if she does not take his help. Blame his feelings!

Swara did notice the slight tremor of his fingers forwarded towards her, eyes full of curiosity and worry too. No matter the complex tie they were forced into, Laksh was her friend before hand and would always remain to be.

A sad smile lingered over his lips which he tried hard to conceal, for the sake of the reality to sink his mind yet again- They can never be together; even if he wanted to.

Soon Swara sunk back to the pools of memories, a long war she had to battle under the covers of those hooded eyes and pale skin.

Both strode together to the class while they mused in their own silence that were far away from each other.

~

If Swara desisted something for the past few days was going back to her house, the mansion that was embellished in luxury but in reality was a war field with exchange of venom.

Mia gently nudged against the crook of her neck in a deep slumber after a tiring day at school unaware that they reached the house. Swara sighed.

The closer she closed the distance from the entrance, the more she heard voices raised in vigorous tones. Swara clenched her fists and pressed her eyelids down- There, they go yet again!

Just as she walked in, the voices died for a minute or two. She ignored both the gaze that followed her and walked to the kitchen where Reema was.

"Maasi." Reema turned and took the sleeping Mia in her embrace and shot a glance at Swara who seemed to caress the little one's back, "You should take her away maasi."

"You skipped your breakfast, let me make something for you and then leave." The elder lady knew what she meant, Swara didn't want Mia to be affected by the other things.

"Mia shouldn't be here in such a negative surrounding, I'll call you when things are fine here." Swara could still only think of Mia's well being and chose silence when it was about hers.

"Come out with us then." Reema suggested, for she knew her too well and definitely she'd only deter her health more, "I am too exhausted to walk Maasi. No way I can tame this curious little cat when she's awake."

Swara chuckled softly. She'd miss Mia- her ball of sunshine but then to protect the little sunshine, she could do anything for it. Mia should never be prone to see such resentment at a young age.

"Swa--"

"I'd be okay." She assured though , Reema still was not convinced to leave Swara alone. She doesn't seem fine herself in any way, "I promise to eat if that makes you feel a little convinced?"

"You'll walk away immediately and call if you are suffocated, Promise me." Reema knew Swara had been struggling for quite a while, especially since her nightmares were active but she wasn't sure if it was on a daily basis.

At times, she would come to seek solace and share fragments that suffocate her enough and didn't let her have even an ounce of sleep. Or else Swara would never open up to share the torment.

"I promise." Unsure of what was stored for the rest of the hours since she already started to feel uneasy, Swara still made a promise.

She gave a goodbye kiss to her little one who snuggled under the touch and sent them off. It dawned on her then, the loneliness that suddenly creeped in after they were long gone from her sight.

Fruits were sliced on the tray and the bullet jar all set to make juice and batter in the bowl to make some pancakes. Swara had lost her appetite, for it had been numb for quite a few days.

Swara walked out of the kitchen, to try her luck to sleep even if it was for some minutes. Glad that her father and brother had paused their fight for a while but the eerie silence lingered on.

The walk to her room itself felt so burdensome that she had to drag herself and cling on to the railing for a solid support. Swara curled up on her mattress in a veil attempt to catch the lost sleep.

All the exhaustion that settled heavy on her stiff shoulders finally eased out, her weary hazels dull in shade and everything felt numb. Just when the tiredness was about to take her to dreamless sleep, a sudden crash from downstairs made her sit in a voiceless scream.

"So you wouldn't change your mind?" Shekhar's loud angry snap was heard all the way to her room that made her shudder like a leaf.

"You wouldn't change your mind?" Aditya demanded back, anger equivalent to the father's evident in his firm tone.

Swara gritted her teeth in frustration- not again! She hated it, their way their words clashed against in anger and tones reminded her of the past. A chapter she had buried deep in to never look after, but here they were, replicating the very scenario.

"Out of all why that classless woman?"

"The high privilege and the low needless have the same blood. Moreover, my woman could outstand all the class women you chose for me."

"So you can't give up, can you?"

"I'd rather walk on my life if I ever had to give up on her."

While the enraged argument would not stop, Swara stood up to serve a glass of water to calm her urged veins. The water swallowed, passed through her throat that throbbed and made her wince. Her dainty fingers brushed softly on the base of her throat.

- "Your influence would not affect me anymore, nor would your opinions matter."

- "I don't need to influence you after all you are my son, the heir of the gagodia's so act like one."

- "You lost that right seven years ago. If my surname stops me from living my personal life then I'd like to step down from my position."

Aditya's voice was awfully calm, but it hurt more than a slap. The rest of the words didn't matter to her anymore, nothing else really did.

You lost the right seven years ago, he said.

Seven years--- the root cause of the fight was her, none but her. Swara could no longer gather her heart after the endless stripes of hot fire like words she had received, unintentionally launched only to bruise her.

She held back the sob as she bit into her cheek to gulp down the pain. If she yield away to that, then Swara knew there was no way out. Tears brimmed and blinded the partial vision while echo of the past started to over power her senses.

Unchecked moisture drenched her skin as Swara stumbled. Those trembled hands pressed against her ears, trying to unhear them but in vain. The screams would not stop hurting, eyes would not stop glaring.

Swara slipped backward for all the fear and terror seemed to dominate her will power. In an immediate stride she left to the washroom and turned the shower faucet on.

The water drenched her from the tip to toe and the pitter - patter of the shower soothed her veins and gave a momentary relief to her clouded mind. Her damp uniform stuck to her skin and wet locks plastered on her face.

She dropped herself to the tiles, knees drawn towards her body and arms pressed to her ears. All long Swara thought she had been healing even if it was in bits and pieces but never did she know her beliefs were wrong.

For days and nights she had gulped in every bit of torment, irrespective of it being huge nor tiny in a bitter hope that everything would disappear. But nothing had changed, all the way it was just her mere conception to convince herself.

If only her body had coped up; her mind not tamed by those horrible fragments of past Swara would have ran out; ran and ran until no thoughts seep to her; until no haunting fights found way back to her.

At the present, Swara could no more recognise herself - just her very features pale, will power gone in the way, happiness not in sight and hope being a lost verbal.

Minutes later she regained a certain amount of strength to at least raise up with numbness and cold bones. Her wet lashes drooped in a lazy motion as she walked out of the washroom, her wobbled legs carried a heavy shivering figure.

Swara took the support of the wall with clenched jaws to control her sense that remained wavered. It scared her; to loose herself to those past she fought not to, to be alone with the dark that would traumatize her more.

The long gone voices started to give back its entry, the volume increased each time she refused to hear. Her vision dulled with black spots, something fell down on the take of her hands that tried to get a clutch. It startled Swara.

She collapsed needlessly with a soft wince. Each memory, a painful needle that poked her bruised heart even in that drowsy state. Her eyes turned heavier, a voice- much real called for her but she willingly surrendered to the dark.

~

Swara woke up with a little scream and an unsettled heart beat that made her breathe deep. The nightmares had yet again played a nasty trick on her like any other normal time.

"You're up, sweetheart?" Varun sat beside her and took her hand in a firm grip of assurance.

There was a pause, a meaningful silence that neither of them wanted to break. Varun let Swara have a little time to settle for herself to come back to reality.

"I never knew it was this serious. You should have given me a heads up before." Swara lowered her gaze at the statement.

If not she had called Varun earlier in the morning to get some pills for her insomnia, she didn't know what would have happened to her.

"They fought, didn't they?" The way Swara looked at him was enough for Varun to confirm his doubts. He left a heavy sigh at that, "I can't let you have the pills--- not until we get you checked. It might end up being harmful to you."

"What's going to be more harmful?" The way her tone drops made Varun concerned. It made him wonder how long she had held it all behind that it reached the level of affecting her health.

"Swara see--"

"Varun."

Swara stiffed at that voice. Her fingers clutched the bed sheet in a tight hold which made her knuckles pale. Varun was quick to catch her change of expressions and excused to reach out for Aditya outside.

The tremors in her fingers still haven't stopped nor did the dull ache subsided in the nerves of her head. It lingered all the while but the whispers of the two men talking kept her distracted.

She knew what it was; their talk-- just being seated on her bed. Indeed it was a guess, but a definite one she could possibly put her hopes for it to be right.

Swara slipped off her mattress, with each small step taken she heard the conversation clearly. Oh! Her guess turned out right.

- "Can I talk to her now?"

- "This isn't the time, Aditya. Swara--- did you'll see what you have made her into? How do you expect me to get her time when she needs rest?"

- "She needs rest-- right, Let her be then."

"We can talk." Swara gained both of their attention as she stood near the threshold, "I'll manage." She gave the needed assurance to Varun who seemed to be overly concerned.

The walk towards the hall snatched her stable breathing short, fragments wavered in her mind with each step she took; but that doesn't stop Swara from going forward.

A small glance she took and Swara already saw her father and mother already staring at her; as if awaiting her arrival. Discomfort seeped in but then Varun came to her aid.

Varun led her with gentle care and made her sit, opposite to the others. He was still not convinced for the fact that they wanted to have a confrontation at the moment. But then, it was Swara who insisted on the talk.

Silence in the air was ruled by cold, Swara could feel that. It only made her wonder why she initiated to have the conversation even though Varun rejected the idea itself. Maybe, it was for herself-- a closure, the talk she deserved to have long before.

"Sorry." Aditya started, "I don't regret what I spoke to him but I never knew the outcome would totally turn out against you."

Swara spoke none nor did she spare a glance at him but rather held her head down throughout. Aditya sighed, heavy, hurt and visible with guilt that pricked his heart way too much.

"It was wrong on my part, I should have been more cautious when I knew-- everything." Moisture glossed his eyes, for every doing of his flashed like a film to him.

The number of times he had been cold, bitter when all she sought to him was for some warmth and soothing. The number of times he snatched away the light off her eyes that sought for him.

"I've done things-- plenty of it then." Aditya paused to get rid of the lump on his throat, "I can't change it now, Swara. It's so-- complicated to undo them. Though Apology is small, indeed. But all I can offer you is this."

She said nothing. Her head still hung down as she listened to Aditya.

"You can stay for a while with me." Sharmistha could only come up with that plan. But she kept musing; how much had the father - son made an effect on Swara to leave her shattered, drained.

Apology and Pity triggered her to no extent, Swara fisted her palms. If she had known about the plan of their apology in the name of talk, she wouldn't have agreed.

"I wish an apology could take away my pain-- but," Swara paused and finally looked up, hurt and bitterness seeped through her words and sliced through others' thoughts, "It doesn't though."

Fragments of all those years; those events still kept her terrified. Past all the years, the deep roots etched in her memory still ached so much and the only answer she ever had for it all was silence.

"A brother who distances himself for the fault I never did; A father who ignores me for the guilt he carries and A mother who shows love to me as a replacement." A tortured breath escapes her,

I am held a punisher, a sacrifice, a replacement up to the date. Tell me who I should forgive?"

Shock ripped off the colours of their faces and turned them pale. Her words; indeed a brutal truth shoven on their faces straight brought their own doings in front of them.

"I know that I'm born-- out of wedlock." The very cruel truth made every favourite being of hers distant from her. It brought in such a partition that she could never break them off again.

"Swara!" Shekhar exclaimed in a high pitch but noticed his daughter hardly shudder like usual.

"I am a mistake, yes! But I am not the sinner to be pushed into such a living torment." Swara forced words to spill out, all of them she contained in and all of them that festered enough to turn into demons to haunt her.

"You could have abandoned me in an unknown place. That way, I could have at least grown up to accept I have none rather than living a life of illusion." Tears skipped down that Swara wiped them roughly with her shuddered palm.

Aditya tore away his gaze. He knew that feeling - a life of illusion, he knew the searing ache of numbness it causes. Instead, all he did was to be a part of it for his very own sister.

Shekhar had no say either. Out of all them, he held the bigger parts of ruins in Swara's life. Sharmistha's guilt increased when it dawned on her that Swara always knew her kindness was never for herself.

"I only wasted time, didn't I? I'd better leave." Swara sniffed away as she stood up to leave. The place would only bring more horrors if she stayed even for a speck of time.

"Don't go." The idea of letting Swara alone in the frozen weather didn't settle well on Aditya, definitely not when the girl was unstable with her emotions.

"I can't stay back," She pressed her lashes down and took steps back, "This place, screams-- they won't let me breathe." On the note, Swara rushed off outside.

The silent spectator- Varun noticed it all and realised that she had been going through the burn out phase. Her need for drugs to sleep--- he got the reason and casted a dark look on the rest of them.