- might drop a translation idk lol. anw 1st piece of english fanfic while goonmaxxing n edging to ielts shit, wish me luck 🛐

- i'm just an intermediate english learner SO i don't guarantee that 100% of my work is accurate, there might be grammatical error or spelling mistakes please forgive me 😔🥀 tôi viết quá cụt

[i: shinso hitoshi ;; he/him: monoma neito]

                                                                                  ────୨ৎ────

i've always wished us to be.

i miss the virtue who was lying in my bed last night, illuminated me with his presence, touched my soul where the i could never reach to, and from the deepest, darkest night, he saved me from all of thoughts that slowly ruined me from the inside. 

i miss the angelic face when he smiled, the brightest smile made out of happiness and joy, that made me beside myself with love. and we kissed (i hoped so). he got me wearing the clothes i had never worn, walking the way i had never dared to, and sign me a "hero" name for me to live. 

and;

the first day of the school year.

he was the only warmth i embraced at the opening ceremony. that glimpse, touch, scent, were the only thing i yearned for, that i was desperate for. i let it seek and sank deep into my clothes, linger on my skin. i used to tell me, i should not believe one's eyes. all eyes are all lies. what if those tears that they shed for someone was not what it meant to be, what if the thing that sparkled and flickered conveyed nothing? 

/

sometime i looked at him, and asked, what's "us"? 

i didn't know how he define "us". he was a dreamer or the serenity inside the chaos; he painted my soul vividly, he lived in my daydream fantasy. i wished i could be with him forever. i wanted the sixteen-year-old-neito to be my friend. i needed the eighteen-year-old-neito to be mine. it wasn't the same all those time. 

i was almost euthanized.

after that night, everything fell apart. we wouldn't be on the same path, wouldn't laugh together, wouldn't share the same bed. there wouldn't be any "anymore". there wouldn't be any "again". his hand intertwined with mine, his head lean on my shoulder. he might be a star someday, and i would be a veterinarian to treat the cats. although i felt his tears soaked my sleeve, i couldn't move a single finger to wipe them. i looked into neito's eyes. that was the first (and last) time he looked back at me, smiling, a heavenly smile. and i thought, both of us knew. 

"maybe we're not meant to be."

part of i knew.
part of you knew.

...

"just let you know,
i'll always be here."