APRIL 8, 2023.

The weekend rolled around, specifically a Saturday night at 8:04 PM. We ended up at a fancy restaurant far from campus. He drove me, and I almost completely refused, but he coerced me by stating that I owed him at least this much.

I don't know what exactly I've ever owed him. If there's anything regarding debts, it's that he owes me his life. But, I'm aware he'd never agree. There is nothing to agree upon. He and I will continue fighting for different sides in life, even if one of us agrees with the other. Our hidden hatred defies morality and what we stand for if it means that we have the opportunity to have the upper hand. I am willing to erase and rid myself of my past if that means taking him down. I don't care what it takes.

He opened the door to the restaurant for me. "After you, Yewon."

My name started to become a warning on the tip of his tongue. I was unsure what he was planning to do to me tonight–because I knew damn well that having a normal conversation over dinner was not one of them. I already saw through the fact that we were far from school and that insinuated he didn't want to be seen with me. I applaud him for his cheap efforts, but anything is possible–I'd like to see what happens if we do get caught.

I entered, the waitress found his reservation, and we took a seat at our table. "The server will be right with you. Thank you for dining with us."

Soobin muttered something briefly to the waitress, smiling. I lifted the menu and hid my face in it, cursing internally for coming here. God damn it, Yewon. Suddenly, you regret it, but there's no running away now! You fell right into his fucking trap. "What do you plan on getting, Yewon?" I looked up, just barely peeking over the menu's edge to stare. He didn't spare me a glance, continuing to look at all the options. "Aren't you hungry?"

I was. I was busy working on tweaking the script all day, so I lost track of time. I haven't eaten yet. I looked back at the menu until a finger had crept over the top and pulled it down, revealing his face. "You know, it's rather impolite when you're at dinner and you're unable to speak," Soobin frowned as if it vexed him beyond comparison. I swallowed hard, averting my gaze to the empty wine glass. "I bring you to a fancy place, and you can't even look me in the eye? Don't forget why we're here."

That's when I stared into those bright yet ugly eyes of his. Why are we here?

"I'm attempting to mend our relationship, Yewon. You're going to have to try just a little bit," He added, causing me to slither my hands down to my lap. I fisted the fabric of my skirt, trying to remind myself that it was only dinner. If I did, then maybe I'd last, and this could all be over. It's just a nightmare. "Isn't this what you wanted, too? Didn't you want to finish things between us, once and for all finally? I'm helping you."

I pressed my lips together to subdue the anger boiling in my heart chambers. I wanted to scream but I feared embarrassment as much as I feared being recognized. He frowned at my suppression, seeing right through me. "Or, am I approaching this from the wrong side? Do you not want to end things on good terms?" Then, it was silent: He wanted me to answer him. However, I had nothing to say. If he could see through my hidden feelings, then he'd know exactly how I'd answer. Soobin was fighting with a wall–or really, a moth who had just realized she'd been trapped, and now had to use her defense mechanisms, so she blended in and became such–and he looked stupid doing so.

His face started hopeful. Now, it was full of bitterness and a fallen expectation that I almost pitied him. "Hello, what can I get started for you?" The server asked. Soobin glared at me for a little longer before lowering his head to the menu.

"I'll have this," Soobin pointed to the menu, and as the waiter wrote down his order, Soobin pointed to me. "She'll say what she wants. Go ahead, Yewon."

That's when it hit me: The weapon I believed I stole from him was a cheap fake. I thought he let go of it. I thought popularity granted him freedom from that trait of his, but I was wrong.

He never let go of it. He had it behind my neck this whole time, waiting for the first time to strike. He was using his real weapon and the one he gave me... against me. Everything I took for granted, everything I lost and gained–they were all on his side. It was me against the world. Silence was always on his side. Ignorance was his upper hand.

And I remained the same.

"I guess she won't be eating anything," Soobin broke my thoughts into tiny shards of glass. The waiter looked between us, breathing in tension, but decided to nod and leave. Soobin picked up the butter knife, pressing the sharp edge of it against his pointer finger. "Don't look at me like that, Yewon–like I'm a villain. I gave you the option, and you chose to act the way you do. I can't control that."

As it spun around in his grasp, I imagined him stabbing me right through the heart. I romanticized it as him finally putting me to rest, allowing me to gain the peace that I've begged for. It was gruesome like a video game, where I'd be lying in a pool of my own blood and my heart was carved and hung like an art piece for his allies to see–but I was smiling.

No. I can't choose revenge when I am faced with my number one fear, sitting in front of someone who has seen me inside and out. I can't pretend that I am not unafraid of how he knows my desires and my nightmares. He knows that I am afraid. He's heard my voice and has power over it.

I forfeit tonight.

I threw the menu down and stood up, catching his and others' attention. I exhaled with a trembling core, grabbing my coat that hung around my chair and throwing it on. "Where are you going?" He asked, but I didn't spare him any more time. I stormed out of the restaurant, unable to look back. "Yewon!"

He called my name eleven times, each one becoming more demanding.

I thought I escaped once I ended up in the parking lot, but it's just that he no longer called for me. Instead, he grabbed my shoulder and yanked me back, his other hand grabbing my wrist to spin me around. I winced at the tight grip, slapping a hand over his and trying to pry it off. It hurts. It hurts, so, so bad. This was the pain I felt emotionally, and I didn't like it. I clawed, but at one point, Soobin yanked my other hand off, holding it above my head.

"Do you enjoy making me look like a fool, Yewon?!" He screamed in my face, his hold on me suffocating my veins and cutting off my circulation. Tears slipped out of my eyes and I fought back, trying to kick him away and yank him around, but it was nothing compared to his strength. Finally, he let go–and slapped me. I fell to the concrete, hands bruised on my palms and wrists, knees aching. "I've tried everything. I've tried to make you like me and I've tried to be nice. However, it seems being gentle isn't enough to get this into your thick brain, so let me tell you now–"

He crouched down and roughly grabbed my chin, forcing me to face him. I cried, sobbing uncontrollably, but his voice was somehow stuck in my head. "Our history can be fixed. I am your past, present, and future," He roughly whispered, nails clawing like a bear trap on my skin. "If you continue acting the way you are right now, you're just going to fail. You're my affair. If you want this to be done, you're going to have to comply with me. We have to get along–and maybe I can convince you to change your mind about me."

Then, quietly, he added, "I still love you–and it hurts me more to see you like this."

But you wouldn't hurt someone you love.

And, he let go. "Find yourself a ride home. I don't know what I'll do if I have to put up with your bullshit in my car. Goodnight, Han Yewon."

Then, he walked away. He got into his car, and I saw it drive away without any hesitation. I sat under the parking lot lights and cried, digging my head into my arms, looking stupid. I didn't want to go back to campus. I didn't want to go back to school and see him in class on Monday. I wanted to disappear–I wanted to die.

But, I reached for my phone in my pocket and dialed my savior, pressing my phone to my ear. It only took one ring. "Yewon?"

"Please... come rescue me."

"Where are you!?"

"I'll send it to you, just please, please, come get me."

"Of course I will. I'll come get you."

And the call ended. I texted the location, and quietly, I wept as I stared up at the parking lot light, attracted to what made me perceive it as heaven, praying that my weakness could wash away like sin.

But, sins will always be regained. I am unable to escape, once again, hiding in my exoskeleton and putting up a front.

I will never... be happy.

Eating the cheeseburger, I chewed quietly, my eyes swollen and aching internally. My savior watched quietly, elbow on his knee as he rested his cheek on his knuckles. I knew he was staring at me, his jacket hung over my shoulders to warm me up, but I was too engulfed by hunger to spare him a glance. As I swallowed, I whispered, "Thank you, Beomgyu."

"You don't need to thank me, Yewon–as long as you're safe, I can go to hell and back," I hated hearing that. I didn't want him to go through all this trouble, but I've begun to trust him. I don't want to use him, but he's willing. "I won't ask you what happened, but if you'd like to talk about it, I'm here for you."

I fixed my seating on the curb, watching occasional cars pass. "Can I ask you something, Beomgyu?"

He fluttered his eyes. "Of course, Yewon."

My eyes averted to my half-eaten burger. "What do you think of moths?"

"I think they're interesting creatures. They're widely hated, but they're just butterflies with a different complexion," He said. "They look scary, but that doesn't mean they are. They're just insects like their siblings. They still serve a purpose."

I inhaled sharply. "I was once a butterfly," I told him, tightening my grip on my food. "I enjoyed basking in the sun. I still do. But, my obsession with the sun caused me to shrivel up. The sun was too far out of reach, and I loved it, but with every step I took towards it, I was unknowingly in danger. The sun was a lot meaner than everyone prophesied. Due to that, I became ugly. I became a moth and worshiped the moon because, at night, nobody could recognize me. Nobody could tell that it was me and I was safe that way. But, I knew the sun would always come back out again. I thought it was searching for me, and it always was–I just hid."

I shook my head, sniffling. "I was–and still am–too scared to reveal myself to the sun again. Sometimes, it'll be right in front of me, and I have to put up a front. I've promised the moon I would never return to my old self, that beautiful butterfly who looked stupid chasing after a star. The sun hurt me so bad, and the moon–silence and its tides–were my saviors," I stated, taking another, small bite of my burger to conceal my wounded heart. "But some days, I do want to go back. I want to smile again."

Quietly, just between us, I said, "But, I died already. The butterfly died. So, to fulfill the moon's wishes, I reemerged as a moth. I... will do the bidding and the revenge."

Beomgyu's eyes were stuck on mine until they dragged down to my wrists. I looked down at them too, sighing as I pulled down my sleeve. His mouth slowly went agape, his hand stuck in the air to reach out for it. I obliged and laid it softly in his palms, sensitivity causing me to wince. "He did this to you?"

I nodded, swallowing my chewed-up food. Beomgyu sighed heavily, shaking his head. "He's cruel. That piece of shit. I should kill him," Is it the wrong time to say that I'd like to do it first? "Yewon, why haven't you ruined him yet? What happened between you two that he'd equate to this much abuse?"

The answer was right in front of him, and as his eyebrows furrowed, I didn't doubt the possibility that he knew. But, Beomgyu was too delicate in front of me–he'd never question it unless I told him directly. He was too kind. "I'll be careful with you from now on, Yewon–physically."

"Why?"

"I'm never going to touch you without your permission. Not after the shit you've been put through," Beomgyu reasoned. He bit his lower lip, casting his gaze on mine. "I wouldn't even wish that on my worst enemy–to be put through mental and emotional abuse, gaslighting, whatever he did to you... and still having to wake up every morning knowing that you still have to see your perpetrator's face."

Then, he exhaled, his fingers softly slipping into my palm. I didn't question it. "Allow me... to help you, Yewon."

That caught me off-guard. I chuckled. "Beomgyu, What are you talking about–"

"Revenge," He interrupted, determined. "I don't care what I have to do. I'll be your ally. I want to help you get revenge. If that means you have to abuse your power, do it. I will back you up."

Then, he swallowed, something surging through our shared touch–

"If that means you have to use me, then do it, Yewon," He murmured, reaching for my cheek, but stopped–and let his eyes drop back to my wrist. "I am at your disposal. I will be your shield–and, your savior."

And it was like a contract written on paper: Without any endless explanations and any excess questions, Beomgyu became my accomplice although I left so many thoughts unanswered.

He was a flame waiting to be ignited–and I was going to start the first spark.