I wish I had dreams worth holding onto, worth waking up to. Instead I chase the dreams in the dark. Ones that don't matter, don't have a future. 
Everyday people ask me, "But what is your dream?".
I say, " I don't know, never had one that stuck. I guess."
They look at me in confusion, disbelief. No dreams? What are you doing in life then?
I ask myself that question every night, every day, every second.
What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?
I only wish I knew.

People said, "Well you gotta do something, you should earn a living, get into a good college. You can't make excuses."
And more they said.
"Do this, it's good for you."
"Do that, it's the best."
So I did.
I did what they said. I did what I was asked to.
And I started believing maybe I have dreams after all.
A goal.
A purpose.

And a year passed.
In doing what people said, I ended up doing nothing by trying everything.
I still didn't know what I was doing.
I wished I had done nothing at all.
I wouldn't have to face failure that way.
Will I succeed?
What if I don't?
What if? What if? What if? What if?
Then what?

Fear took over, anxiety filled my head.
I had so much to do, so much to catch up on.
I wanted to achieve,
I wanted to believe,
I wanted to make this right,
But I couldn't.
Every time I tried, fear held me held back.
I needed to fight myself.

So I began rebuilding.
Started putting myself together,
I kept falling apart,
But I continued.
Not because I wanted to, but because I needed to.
"Fight", I told myself, not for anyone , but for yourself.
For myself .For myself. For myself. For myself.
I had to be strong.

Even if I had no solid plan, no vision.
Keep going I told myself,
Keep going till you know you have reached somewhere safe.
It's not safe to stop now,
I couldn't stay in the dark,
I had to keep moving till I reached the light 
Till I could be sure I was safe. 
Safe to make mistakes, safe to be wrong
Right now I need to keep going.
And keep going I will.