[ aug. 26, 2022; 5:00pm ]

i've tried so hard to convince my heart that i can be happy without someone there to love me, but it's not easily persuaded. my heart makes me crave intimacy; someone to hold me when i have a bad day, to kiss me when i have a good one, to love me during both. but i've never been anything to anyone except for an amusement until they find someone better. they've taken from me until they find someone they can actually care about, and then sometimes they keep trying to take from me despite having someone else more important. you still tell me you love me when you're drunk, and i have to remind you that you didn't choose me so you don't have a right to say that to me. you also say that once you fuck up with your partner (like you know you will) then it'll be my turn, like you expect that'll make me feel better. except now that you've fucked it up with your partner, you told one of my FRIENDS that you like them. i'm not even a second choice anymore.

i'm so fucking tired of being someone's amusement. i want to be the person that someone chooses first.

[ edit: aug. 10, 2023; 1:16am ]

maybe this time will be different.

[ edit: sept. 13, 2023; 11:52pm ]

it wasn't.

you don't deserve a complementary close.
a.