[ aug. 17, 2021; 9:32pm ]

i just got home from your visitation. tomorrow is your funeral. i don't know how to live without you here.

you've been a huge part of my life since the day i was born. you played the part of my grandfather so well that i forgot that i even had two (not that my other grandfather was any good anyways). you were so funny and cool and i aspire to be like you.

up until 2 years ago, i thought that you were invincible. you had this untouchable aura and with the jokes you made about fighting in the civil war (which i believed until i was in like the 5th grade) and being neighbors with jesus and how you were in your racecar just a few years ago, i truly believed that you would never die. we used to have those competitions where we'd jump into the pool and see who made the bigger splash on the wall and you always won and i thought that we would be doing this forever. but then you got sick and i saw a side of you that i'd never seen before.

you were so vulnerable and the treatments made you so weak. it was so fucking hard seeing you like that, and it was so scary. but you were doing so well. you even got better for a hot minute, then it came back even worse. the treatments weren't working; they only made you even more sick. god, those were the worst times when you had to go back to the hospital because your body couldn't handle the treatments.

it was almost one month after you were forced to stop doing the treatments when you died. it was he hardest thing i have ever witnessed, but i'm glad that i got to be there with you in your last few hours. you passed away surrounded by your wife, your daughters, your sons-in-law, and your grandchildren. and a couple others. and we all love you so much. and i'm so thankful for the time i had with you, even if it feels like it isn't enough.

with all my love and immense grief,
a.