My goodbyes were long and drawn out, especially with Pippa the dog. Dad's trip had been pushed back indefinitely because of something that came up at his current work, so I was flying back alone. After visiting him in the morning, then a tearful parting with my Mum at the airport, I was sat by myself in the boarding lounge, playing a mind-numbing game on my phone. Then, an email notification popped up at the top of the screen. My stomach lurched upon seeing the subject: Finals Results Now Available.

I opened the message quickly, eyes scanning over the information until I found a link to open my results. Other than a few smaller assignments earlier in the semester, these were my first significant grades from Yale. The airport wifi was frustratingly slow and I felt myself get more and more anxious while the page loaded. At last, a load of words and numbers appeared.

I sifted through the information, not caring about my personal details or identification number, until I spotted my results.

And my heart sank.

I'd done, for want of a better word, badly. Reading the series of results over, I desperately hoped that I'd been mistaken, but no. Right in front of me was very definitive proof that my first semester at Yale had been mediocre at best. It felt like a punch to the stomach.

When I looked up and around me through eyes blurred with tears, I realised the people around me had started filtering out of the room and boarding the plane. I stood up on shaky legs and joined the growing queue.

Throughout the safety procedure talks and the entire take off, I couldn't think of anything else but those results. They weren't dreadful - I wasn't about to get put on academic probation, or anything - but they didn't live up to my standards. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been so disappointed with my grades.

How was this possible? I'd felt perfectly fine during class discussions and, if anything, my professors seemed impressed by me. I knew I was naturally smart but I always worked hard too. There was a slight jump from English to American education, but I'd thought I'd navigated it well.

I must have been already half an hour into my flight when a thought struck me. There was one big thing that had come up in my life over the recent months and thrown my focus totally off. Or, rather, one person. Carter.

Had I really let myself get so distracted over a boy that my grades had suffered? I certainly wouldn't be the first girl to face that issue, but I'd never expected it to be something that would happen to me. I was sensible and focused and I didn't let anything stop me, least of all some boy.

Of course, I knew in my heart that Carter had always been more than just some boy. But that didn't change the fact that I needed to seriously get my head down now if I didn't want my whole year abroad to become an embarrassing failure. Which meant no more letting myself get distracted by Carter, no matter how tormented I felt. From now on, I had one focus, and that was myself.

***

The journey from the airport, which had flashed by on the way out, seemed to last forever. On the plane, at least, I could distract myself with the selection of on-flight movies. But afterwards, when I was sat on a bus next to someone who didn't seem to be aware of the existence of deodorant and behind a screaming baby, I'd never felt so miserable. Gone was the buzz of excitement and nerves that I'd felt on my first arrival back at the end of August, replaced by a dead weight in my stomach.

Hoping I wouldn't run out of data mid-journey, I got my phone out and opened the group-chat (originally named S A M, for our initials, until Alice got it confused with her boyfriend Sam and accidentally sent a message that was definitely not meant for our eyes). The last message was from a few days ago, when Maya had sent a heart eyes emoji in response to Alice's photo of the Eiffel Tower.

I wondered if they'd had their results back yet, and whether they were feeling like I was. I began to type out a message, then erased it and closed the app. Although I knew they'd be supportive regardless, I couldn't quite bear telling anyone yet.

So I just sat there with my earphones playing my music, constantly skipping songs because nothing felt quite right. I couldn't even lean my head against the window, all melodramatic and music-video-esque, while I felt sorry for myself, because I'd ended up in an aisle seat. When the bus eventually pulled up to the stop on campus, I leapt up from my seat and hauled my suitcase behind me as quickly as possible.

It was cold and drizzling when I got off, the grey sky already going dark. I pulled up the hood on my hoodie and kept my head down as I headed in the direction of my dorm.

"Need any help with that?" A voice behind me made me jump and I span around to see Carter leaning against a lamppost as if it were the most ordinary thing in the world.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

He stepped forward, taking the suitcase from my grip with little resistance on my part.

He shrugged. "You told me what time your flight was yesterday, so I figured you'd be arriving around now. Although, either my math is bad or you were delayed because I've been waiting here for half an hour and it is freezing."

Despite the horrible day I'd had, or perhaps because of it, I grinned. I'd been so caught up in how important it was for me to be there for him, I hadn't even considered how nice it would feel to have him be there for me.

Not caring about blurring any already extremely hazy lines or crossing any boundaries, I moved towards him and wrapped my arms around him tight. He hesitated for a second before putting his arms around me, and the moment he did, I all but melted. My face was pressed against his chest, the material of his t-shirt soft and smelling so strongly of him I wanted to breathe it in forever.

When I let him go, my eyes darted to the ground for a moment, feeling myself blush. Then I looked up at him shyly, to see him watching me, expression unreadable.

We started walking side by side. Probably noticing my smile, Carter matched it with one of his own, commenting, "Friendship is a two-way thing, you know."

And he was right. For the first time, what I had with Carter truly felt mutual. I wasn't worrying about whether he liked me back, or wanting more than he wanted; we were simply friends, and it made me feel a little more at home in this place I'd spent the whole journey wishing I didn't have to return to.

Like a true gentleman, Carter walked me to my door. We stopped outside of it whilst I unlocked it and pulled open the door. It seemed eerily empty inside, with neither Maya or Alice back yet.

"Wanna come in?" I asked lightly, hoping he'd know that it had different implications to when I'd said it in the past.

His smile was wide, a little crooked. "Of course."

We headed inside, leaving my suitcase in my room then going to the kitchen. I reviewed the cupboards, but they were bare, of course.

"Pizza?" Carter suggested from behind me.

"Do you ever eat anything else?" I asked, but I agreed to the pizza. I certainly didn't feel like doing a grocery shop right now and I was starving.

While we waited for the delivery, I suggested we moved to my bedroom. It was only small, but I loved this little room, with its fairy lights and blankets and photo frames. It felt like the one place in the whole country that was truly my own, where I could relax and feel at home.

I switched on the various fairy lights and my desk lamp, so that we were illuminated by a soft glow. When combined with my jet lag, it made me want to crawl under the blankets and fall asleep. But Carter was here and my stomach was growling with hunger, so I forced myself to stay awake.

"Did you get your finals results yet?" Carter asked casually.

He wasn't looking at me, but was spinning back and forth on my desk chair, head tilted up towards the ceiling. I watched him for a moment, wondering how he seemed to be such an endless source of kinetic energy; it was like he never stopped moving.

"Uh, yeah, just before I caught my flight, actually."

He must have picked up on my uncomfortable tone because he abruptly stopped spinning and looked at me. A small frown was on his face, like he was trying to figure me out. Like he didn't know that all he had to do was ask, and I'd pour out my heart to him.

"How'd they go? Wanna talk about it?" His voice was softer, more careful, than usual.

I shrugged, looking down and picking at a loose thread on the hem of my sweater. "They weren't awful, but they weren't what I wanted."

"Loads of people don't do so great at first. You know, like while you adjust to college and stuff. I bet it's the same with you switching from British style to here," Carter replied. "I remember my grades for the first few months were pretty shit."

"But I'm not like you!" I protested, then took a deep breath. It wasn't Carter's fault I'd let myself down. "I mean, I went to every single class and I studied for hours and I barely ever went to parties or anything. My midterms were good, but then everything went downhill afterwards, when..."

I trailed off. When I started falling for you and everything began to revolve around you.

Carter was quiet for a moment, in contemplation. I watched his jaw clench as his eyes fixed on a photo frame on my desk. It was of Pippa during a beach day last summer, fur scruffy and tongue lolling out of her mouth.

"Is it because of me?" he asked finally. "I know it sounds cocky to assume I'm that important, but was I a distraction?"

You have no idea how important you are, Carter, I thought. Out loud, I said, "Maybe. It's not your fault, obviously, but I guess... I guess I just lost myself in you, for a while. So now I need to focus on myself for a while. Get my grades and everything on track, you know?"

He nodded, eyes meeting mine again. He didn't try to hide his disappointment, which made my chest tighten. Sure, I was in the process of moving on from him, but I was in love with him, and that wasn't something I could just switch off overnight.

I felt like he was going to say something - argue with me, perhaps - when his phone started blaring its ringtone, startling us both. He grabbed it and answered, giving the delivery person directions to the building from the parking lot. I watched him from the bed as he went to my bedroom door, mouthing pizza at me then going out into the hallway.

A minute later Carter returned with a large pizza box in his arms and a grin on his face. Just the sight of him (and the smell of the pizza) was enough to lift my spirits. He took a seat opposite me on the bed, both of cross-legged the way we used to sit when we were young, and put the pizza box between us. The cheese stretched like elastic when I pulled a piece off, moving head first to get it in my mouth. Carter laughed and it was contagious; we were both laughing between mouthfuls of pizza as though something hysterical had happened.

As we dissolved into endless fits of giggles, I realised that this was it. The kissing and the texting and the hooking up had all been great, but this was what I loved the most. I loved the innocence of it all, and the fun. It was like we were kids again - hearts unbroken and lives unscarred - back in the days of a friendship with the exciting, nervous buzz of something more lying beneath it.

It didn't take long for us to get through the entire pizza, until the box between us was empty. I got up to throw out the box then collapsed back onto the bed, groaning. "I think I have a food baby."

Carter laughed, lying down by my side. In my single bed, there was no space between us. I turned to face him to see that he was already looking at me. When he replied, his voice was hushed, "I think you've never looked more beautiful."

A blush rose in my cheeks, I couldn't help it. I smiled at him and he smiled back. His eyes shone under the twinkling fairy lights, flecks of gold swimming in ocean blue.

The sky was already dark, pierced with a million tiny stars. I looked up, taking it in, half-distracted by the thought that we were both out beyond our curfews. After I'd complained to my Mum that Carter was allowed to stay out almost an hour later than me and she'd extended mine to match his, I really couldn't get away with staying out much later, no matter how badly I wanted to. I told this to Carter, who nodded with a look more solemn than I'd seen on him before. It unsettled me a little, until he reached over and placed his hand on my arm and his expression was totally forgotten because his hand was on my arm. With butterflies dancing in my stomach, I let him pull me gently out of the bright yellow glow of my front porch light. In the darkness and shelter provided by the branches of our huge oak tree, I could barely make out his face. His hand moved from my arm to my cheek - light, hesitant. Then, before I could ask what he was doing, or maybe just pass out from the feeling of his fingertips brushing my cheekbone, he kissed me - soft and sweet and perfect.

"You know, you owe me a kiss," Carter whispered, as if he knew exactly what I'd been thinking about.

"Are you sure Olivia won't mind?" I asked. The last thing I wanted was for some other girl to get hurt by anything going on with Carter and me.

He made a face and shook his head. "Oh, no. That's ended, for good this time. I'm all yours."

With that, the remains of the wall I'd spent the break building crumbled. Perhaps it was just that he'd missed me, but he seemed to be acting differently to before Christmas. It was as though he was the one with the deep feelings, not me. So I was helpless to resist as he closed the small space between us and pressed his lips against mine. The kiss was soft and slow, unlike any kiss we'd had before. A lingering promise for the future. An almost. A maybe.

***

I was woken up by a loud, shrill knocking on my door. Startled, pulse racing, I sat up in bed, blinking against the light coming through my half open curtains. Then, I heard Maya's voice on the other side of the door, and I relaxed.

"Come in!"

Moments later, both Maya and Alice came rushing into my room. I didn't even have a chance to greet them before I was being tackled on the bed by both of them. We were all laughing, a tangle of bodies, limbs and hair.

"I've missed you, girls," I told them, grinning, as they settled on my bed.

"Alice has been too busy living her best life in Paris to miss us," Maya said, glancing across at Alice with a smirk.

Alice rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. "Shut up, that's not true! Although, Paris was so amazing and I had the best time ever."

Thus began a recap session to make up for lost time. Alice started with a recollection of her Paris trip with Sam, which was impossibly romantic, of course. Then Maya described her chaotic holiday season with her huge extended family. My own winter break had been the least eventful or amusing, until I mentioned Adam at the end.

"Oh, there was this one guy I met, though, who I kissed," I conclude, allowing myself a smug smile when I saw the surprise on their faces.

"You can't just add that on casually at the end!" Alice exclaimed. "Tell us all the details!"

"It's nothing major, really," I explained, telling them about how we met and our less than groundbreaking new year's kiss.

"Does this mean you're over Carter, then?" Maya asked.

As always, I had no real answer to this question. Really, I didn't think I was and I didn't know how long it would be until I was. But I was certainly over pining for him or letting him distract me. Alice looked a little disappointed when I told them this, but she concealed it quickly. Maya's expression, as with most of the time, remained fairly neutral.

"He doesn't deserve you, if you loving him still isn't enough for him to want to be with you," Maya said matter-of-factly, then frowned. "Wait, he does know that you love him, right? I can't keep up with you guys."

Chewing on my bottom lip, I shook my head. "I mentioned that I potentially liked him and he practically ran a mile. I'm not going to tell him that I love him; I can't imagine how badly that would go down and I don't want to lose him. Plus, he knows there's something there. He knows that I have feelings, even if he doesn't really acknowledge it."

Alice's expression had become sympathetic, in the same way as when I'd cried to them about my unrequited feelings last month. But this time was different; I didn't mind that we weren't in a relationship. I was happy how we were.

I was thankful when the conversation shifted its focus from me to other topics: classes, parties, other people. Even more so, I was glad that nobody mentioned our results from last semester, because I didn't want to have to explain once again that I'd done worse than I'd expected or was used to. Instead, while we chatted absentmindedly, I stood up and got my planner from my desk, beginning to schedule a strict study schedule that allowed no time for being lovesick.

***

When classes started up again, I settled into my routine easily. It was like the beginning of last semester, when Carter was only an unexpected acquaintance, before my feelings became so complicated that they seemed to eclipse everything else. I got up early and worked hard all day, eventually falling asleep exhausted but content. I knew that I was capable of getting my grades up if I dedicated enough focus to them, so that's what I did. For once, I felt in control.

Carter didn't contact me at all for over a week, giving me the space I needed. So it surprised me when I bumped into him on the way back from the library.

"Hey, Sydney, I was hoping I'd see you," he said as he naturally fell into step beside me.

"Hi, Carter. What's up?"

"We need to talk." Oh, God. Something told me that whatever he was about to say, it wasn't good. "Can we go grab a coffee?"

I considered resisting, but only a few minutes ago I'd been ticking off all the tasks in my planner, satisfied that I could now spend the evening watching Netflix, so I didn't have any excuse. I nodded, letting Carter lead us to the same coffee shop we'd first met up in.

He insisted on buying the drinks and went to the till to order while I sat at a small table squashed in the corner of the room. I scrolled absently through Instagram while I waited, hitting like on a photo Alice had posted of her and Sam beneath the Arc de Triomphe. Then, Carter arrived at the table, placing two cups down in front of us and taking a seat.

"I got you a flat white," he said with a smile, just as pleased with himself as usual at getting my order right.

"Thank you," I replied, picking up the coffee and sipping at it before continuing. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Us." This surprised me a little. I wondered what else there was left to say about us - beside the small fact that I was hopelessly in love with him, of course. "What are we, Sydney?"

The million dollar question. Friends felt like too simple a label. We were not quite exes, twice over. Almost lovers.

"We're friends," I told him.

Carter looked down at his drink then back up at me, not satisfied with the answer. "And?"

I frowned. "We're just friends, you know that. I guess we were friends with benefits, before. But that's over now."

That was one thing I had to make clear; if he was missing the sex and wanted to go back to our previous arrangement, I wanted him to know that it was off the table. Partly because I wanted no distractions for a while, partly because it hurt too much to come so close to what I truly longed for without ever getting it.

"Is that all we're ever going to be? Or could we be... more?" he asked tentatively.

My breath hitched in my throat. More meant a relationship. My head was spinning; wasn't this what I'd been hoping for?

Composing myself, I gulped down my coffee. "Do you want to be more?"

"I want to be able to hang out with you and eat pizza and fail at explaining football to you," he said with a small laugh. "I know that's just what friends do, but I want to be able to kiss you when I want - which is often, by the way - without worrying about labels and what that makes us."

My heart beat hard and fast in my chest. "What does that mean?"

Carter looked at me intently, eyes wide and sincere. "Being apart over Christmas then giving you space this past week has been kinda killing me, and I've been thinking a lot. I'm not saying I'm committing to something official or serious because I just can't do that. But you're the only person I'm interested in. Can we just take things one day at a time? Have some fun together, without you having to worry about anyone else being in the picture?"

"Carter," I breathed.

His face was full of hope and excitement. This was something he'd thought about. It was something I'd thought about too - excessively.

So why was there an inexplicable sense of panic surging inside me?

"What do you say?" he asked with that smile, the one that made me weak the knees.

"I... can't," I answered, deflated. He looked taken aback and I couldn't blame him; I didn't know I was going to say it until the words were coming out my mouth.

"Why not?"

I sighed, struggling to find a way to put my turmoil of emotions and thoughts into words. "You're just so chaotic, Carter. We're total opposites."

"Opposites attract," he countered with a wink, but I ignored it.

"For so much of the time I've been with you I've felt so... untethered. And it led to me losing control of everything," I explained. Carter's expression was blank, impossible to read, as though he'd shut himself off from me. "I hate that feeling, but now, finally, I've got some control back. So I can't let go of the that again."

Carter sighed. "So you're saying we'd never work, then?"

"For now, I guess, we're just incompatible."

For a single moment, so brief I could have blinked and missed it, his expression wavered and I saw a flash of pain, but then he'd composed himself so quickly I wondered if I imagined it. His voice was quieter and a little hoarse when he replied, "Timing never was our strong suit, was it?"

With that, he tipped his head back and drained the remains of his coffee. He stood up abruptly; I winced at the sound of his chair scraping against the tiled floor.

"You know, Sydney, I get that you're a total Type A personality, or whatever, but sometimes it's good to let loose a little," he said. "You can't control the whole of your life with a colour-coded planner and a no-boys-allowed sign on the door and expect to find happiness in it."

I frowned, feeling myself become defensive. "Oh, because you're the expert on happiness and relationships, are you?"

"God, obviously I'm not," Carter retorted, exasperated. "I'm just saying, maybe I don't have all my shit together but I have a lot of fun and I would have liked to share some of that with you. Just let me know if you change your mind."

Then he turned and walked out, once again leaving me alone in the same old coffee shop, staring down at my half empty drink.