Two am. I was still wide awake. Sighing restlessly, I rolled over and grabbed my phone. After a moment of squinting against the brightness of the screen, I opened instagram and saw that Carter had posted on his story. I clicked on it quickly to reveal a blurry photo that looked like it was taken at some kind of nightclub. Going through the several installments, I recognised Kyle by Carter's side in a selfie with a group of lads. There were a few videos of unintelligible shouting as the camera moved too fast to pick up anything besides some flashing lights.

Of course, as per his reputation, Carter appeared in one photo with his arms around the waists of two beautiful girls. One of them was kissing his cheek and I felt a surge of anger. But he wasn't mine to be possessive over. Even worse, I'd brought it upon myself.

If I'd accepted his suggestion earlier would he be staying in with me instead? Given how often seemed to stay out until the early hours getting up to God knows what, it seemed unlikely. He wasn't planning on changing any time soon, and neither was I, which was exactly why we wouldn't work (or, at least, that's what I kept telling myself).

Finally, Carter's story came to an end and I put my phone down again. The image of the girl kissing his cheek remained burned into my mind's eye.

Ridiculously, the person I wanted to talk to about how I was feeling was Carter, but he was the the one person I couldn't go to. I stared up at the ceiling and wondered if I'd dodged a bullet or just made a massive mistake. If we weren't meant to be, if I had saved myself by resisting him, then why did I feel so awful?

When my alarm went off early the next morning, I instantly felt sick with sleep deprivation. I'd eventually fallen asleep at around three am, but it was a fitful sleep and I found myself waking up constantly. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was losing control, even though I'd never felt more secure in my studies or my friendships.

I went about my morning routine like a zombie, feeling ready to nod off any moment. It wasn't until I'd made myself a cup of coffee and let the caffeine hit my bloodstream that I even attempted to do anything productive. After brushing my teeth, I stared at myself long and hard in the bathroom mirror, like I was looking at a stranger. My skin seemed even paler than usual, freckles standing out in stark contrast. There were dark rings hanging under my eyes, the result of my sleepless night. Seeing myself now, I looked small and young. It seemed impossible that Carter, with all his charisma and good looks, liked me, even just as a physical attraction.

Taking a deep breath, I turned away from the mirror. Enough. I knew that I needed time alone and I'd made my decision, so now I had to deal with the consequences.

To my surprise, I spotted Carter's friend Kyle in the entrance to the library. It was still only nine thirty and, judging by what Carter had been posting, he'd had about the same amount of sleep as me. At least I didn't have a hangover to deal with.

I kept my eyes fixed on the floor as I headed inside, the bottom half of my face obscured by my scarf. Somehow, he still spotted me, as I heard him say my name, "Oh, hey, Sydney, right?"

Groaning internally, I looked up and put on a smile. "Hi, Kyle."

We weren't friends by any stretch; the little time we'd spent in each other's company was with Carter as a buffer. Even then, something about him had gotten on my nerves. It was nothing personal, I just knew that our personalities didn't click. So now, I wanted nothing more than to keep walking past him until I found a nice secluded spot to do some reading (and maybe have a quick nap) before my class later. But, he'd stopped beside me and I didn't want to seem rude.

"Are you busy?" he asked. I shrugged, non-committal, which he took to mean I wasn't. "I've been meaning to talk to you, actually."

That definitely confused me, so I gestured towards an empty table and we took a seat opposite each other. "What is it?"

"It's about Carter," he said, like that wasn't already obvious. Had Carter told him about my rejection?

"Is he okay?"

Kyle hesitated, not meeting my eyes. I desperately wanted the conversation to be over with already.

"I'm not sure," he admitted finally. "He's been off."

"Last night?" I asked, momentarily panicking that our conversation in the coffee shop yesterday had hurt him worse than I'd thought.

Kyle shook his head. "Not just last night. The whole time we've been back from break, really."

I swallowed thickly. I'd been so preoccupied with my own stuff that I hadn't realised he was struggling. Regardless of our romantic involvement, I'd sworn to myself that I'd be his friend, and now I felt like I'd failed. "Do you know what's wrong with him?"

"I don't know; he's just gone kinda... off the rails, I guess," he said with a heavy sigh. Maybe Kyle and I weren't going to become best friends any time soon, but I could see how much he cared about Carter. "He's missed football practice a couple of times, which he'd never normally do. Classes, yes, but not practice."

"Why did you want to talk to me about this?" My voice sounded weak, almost childlike. The thought of Carter not coping properly, possibly even putting himself in danger, terrified me.

"You seem to know him better than anyone," Kyle said, as though it was obvious.

Wondering how much Carter had said about me to his friends, I replied, "I don't think so. I've only really known him a few months."

He just shrugged slightly, clearly disagreeing with me. "I know that he, uh, gets worse after the holidays. I remember last year, when we went home for winter or spring break, he seemed to be especially... reckless for a while afterwards. Maybe I'm just making something out of nothing."

I shook my head. What he was saying made perfect sense; of course Carter found it hard being back home, his household was so toxic. Perhaps the partying and the acting out was a part of it, a kind of coping mechanism.

"I'll talk to him," I said, even though I had no idea how I was supposed to do that. Of course, Kyle was oblivious to the bad terms that Carter and I had recently ended up on.

He left soon afterwards, leaving me reeling. More than anything, I wanted to go to Carter, to hold onto him and tell him I was here for him, always. But things were more complicated than that. Besides, it was still early and I didn't know where he was, or if he'd be waking up alongside someone else.

So, I settled for calling him. Unsurprisingly, it went to voicemail. "Hi, Carter, it's me. I hope you're okay. I was just wondering if we could talk about... stuff. Maybe you could come over later? That's all, so, um, bye."

As always, I missed off the words on the tip of my tongue, the ones I was always dying to tell him. I love you. I could imagine the anxiety that would trigger in him, so, as ever, I kept it to goodbye.

I was restless all day, constantly checking my phone. Although I forced myself to switch my phone off during my classes, I couldn't help my mind from wandering. I could say that it wasn't even about my feelings for him, besides the fact that I cared about him in the way I cared about any of my friends, but I knew that wouldn't be entirely true. Yes, he was my friend first and foremost, but he occupied a part of my heart that no one else could ever have.

My concern just kept growing as the day faded into evening and I still hadn't heard from him.

The weather was cold and miserable as I walked home, shivering. My fingers were numb; I regretted not putting gloves in my bag when I left earlier. My earbuds were playing my music, but I was deaf to it. Instead, as always, I was thinking of him.

When I got back inside our dorm, the warmth washed over me in a welcoming wave. I sighed with relief as I slowly took off my many layers and put them down in my room. My hair was slightly damp from the drizzle outside, so I heaped it into a bun atop my head, not caring how messy or lopsided it looked. I unlaced my boots and swapped them for thick, fuzzy socks, then padded through to the kitchen. Already, I felt way better, even if there was still a niggling worry for Carter in the back of my mind.

Alice was in the kitchen already, standing beside the microwave. She grinned across at me upon noticing my entrance. "Hey, girl!"

She was certainly more chipper than I was, but her happiness was a little infectious. So, I felt myself smile as I spoke, "How's your day been?"

"It's been good," she replied, pausing to open the microwave and take out a bowl of soup before continuing. "I'm really enjoying this one class I'm doing this semester."

I listened as intently as I could while Alice described the course at length. At the same time, I moved around the kitchen, preparing some ramen noodles. I was too drained, both physically and emotionally, to cook anything with nutritional value. Tonight, I wanted nothing but comfort.

A while later, Alice and I had both finished our food and were still sat opposite each other at the kitchen table, chatting absentmindedly. Behind me, the door opened and I heard Maya's voice.

"Day from hell," she announced moodily.

I twisted in my chair to see her looking as miserable as she sounded, short dark hair plastered to her face and clothes soaked. "What's happened?"

"Well," she began, grabbing a bag of salad from the fridge then taking a seat beside Alice. "First of all, I slept through my alarm, so I arrived to my first class twenty minutes late and without having showered. Then, my laptop completely packed up, so I spent forever on the phone to some IT guy trying to figure out what was wrong. I thought it was improving, too, until I got caught in a sudden downpour coming home. Typically, I chose today to use the bag that doesn't shut properly, so my notebook got all wet and now the writing's all smudged. I swear, it's like the universe just doesn't want me to get my degree."

"Awh, babe," Alice said, reaching out and wrapping Maya in a hug. I laughed, watching as Maya rolled her eyes and remained resistant to Alice's affection.

"You're loving that really, Maya," I commented, amused.

Maya shifted out of Alice's grasp, but there was endearment in the hint of a smile on her face. "I mean, it is the most action I've had in awhile."

"I swear you matched with that hot girl on Tinder like two days ago!" Alice countered.

"Yeah but she was so boring to talk to, I couldn't deal with meeting up with her, even if it was for meaningless sex. Like, what if she expected some kind of pillow talk?" Maya said with a disapproving expression, then turned to look at me. "Sydney, we haven't had any updates on your love life in a while."

I scoffed. "What love life?"

At this point, I'd pretty much lost track of how much I'd told either of the girls about Carter and me. Regardless, though, I think they could guess by the way I'd been acting, and the lack of appearances Carter had been making in our apartment, that it wasn't exactly going well. But they insisted they were curious to know more, so I began to explain.

"I've barely heard from him since being back, really. Yesterday he told me that he didn't want a relationship or anything, obviously, but that whatever we'd been, he'd be willing to be exclusively. I feel like that in itself is a pretty big jump out of his comfort zone and I should be so happy because it's definite step in the right direction, but I can't do it."

Predictably, confusion appeared on both their faces at my last sentence.

"But I thought that was basically what you wanted?" Maya asked.

"It is, well, it was.... I don't know. But basically my grades from last term weren't what I wanted and I just wanted to focus on myself and getting all of that part of my life under control before I move on to figuring things out with him. Especially when he won't commit to me, I feel like I need to step back for the sake of my own self-respect." I explained. As much as I loved and trusted both of them, I found myself rushing through the mention of my poor results, embarrassed.

Alice looked even more confused than before; clearly my reasoning didn't add up for her. "Sydney, you do realise you can do well at school and other parts of your life while you have a boyfriend, right?"

"But he wouldn't be my boyfriend. He'd be the guy I was exclusively seeing."

"Take it from someone who doesn't do the whole girlfriend thing," Maya interjected. "Being exclusive is only, like, a fraction of a step away from a proper relationship. Sounds like it was a big deal to him, to suggest that."

There was a sinking feeling in my gut. I'd been so caught up in my side of it that I hadn't stopped to consider that what Carter had proposed was significant, even if it wasn't technically a relationship.

"How did he take the rejection?" asked Alice. She was chewing lightly on her bottom lip, a habit of hers when she was nervous. Perhaps I should have been concerned about how invested the two of them, particularly Alice, were in my relationship with Carter.

"Not great," I admitted with a heavy sigh.

My guilt grew, gnawing at my insides. I'd expected some validation, reassurance, from talking to my friends about it. Instead, I felt even more lost, even more terrified I'd made the wrong decision. The thought of upsetting Carter or, even worse, losing him completely, was unbearable, but restarting our bewildering, unstable casual relationship gave me a sense of fear that I couldn't shake. Undeniably, I liked the feeling of direction I had in the academic and personal side of my life right now and I didn't want to let that go, but I couldn't deny that there was something slightly thrilling about how Carter was so untamed and unpredictable.

"What are you gonna do?" Alice asked, when her phone lit up on the table between us with an incoming call. She picked it up and walked out the room, telling us that she'd be back in a minute.

That was the issue. What if I went to Carter and told him that I was wrong, I did want to be with him, regardless of labels and rules, only to realise a couple of weeks in that I couldn't do it? Would that be better than never trying at all, or would we just end up in an even bigger mess, with even more feelings hurt?

"Open communication, is my only option, I guess," I said to Maya, because I knew that was the logical and correct way to navigate the situation. "I'm all over the place about it so I should just tell him what I'm thinking and feeling. Maybe he'll even be able to help me figure it out, but if not at least I'm not keeping him in the dark about it all. Then it might not be quite as bad if either of us get hurt in the long run, you know?"

The idea of Carter going off the rails because of me, because of the hurt I'd caused him, was heartbreaking. No matter what, I wanted to protect him and, honestly, I wanted to protect myself too. I knew what it was like to have my heart broken over him, and I knew that if it happened again it would be a hundred times more painful.

Sighing in frustration, I held my head in my hands. "God, my life would be so much simpler if I was capable of just not being in love with Carter Pearson."

The kitchen door thudded behind me and I sat up again slowly, twisting around in my seat. But it wasn't Alice. Carter was stood in the doorway, staring at me. The sight of him made my breath catch in my throat.

"You love me?" he echoed softly.

My heart pounded so hard that I felt sick. His eyes met mine. I tried desperately to read them but he gave nothing away. I stood up, taking a shaky step towards him.

"Well, no... I mean, yeah, but..." I trailed off, useless. It had been over six years; we were beyond pretending. I could feel my pulse in my throat, heart thumping in my chest, hands shaking. Another step closer, then I looked up at him and answered honestly, voice scarcely more than a whisper. "I love you, Carter. I always have."

For a single, ethereal moment, we remained in silence. His expression was unreadable, as though there were too many emotions crowding him at once. Stood so close that he could touch me, kiss me, do whatever he wanted with me, we simply gazed at each other. It was like for that moment we were suspended in time, untouchable. Like the universe was holding its breath.

Then, without warning, the moment came crashing down around us.

Carter didn't even speak, but he didn't need to for me to see the panic setting in. Just as abruptly and unexpectedly as he'd arrived, he turned and fled.

Rushing out after him into the hallway, I called out, "Carter!"

He paused at the front door, turning back to look at me. I waited, helpless, at the other end of the hallway, as he almost said something, almost stayed. But the ineffable force that tethered him to me was overwhelmed by whatever it was that triggered the fight or flight instinct within him. So, he opened the door and disappeared through it. I watched it slam closed as my heart tore in two.

"Maybe he just needs time to process," Alice suggested gently as she passed me the packet of chocolate chip cookies.

When she'd walked into the room a minute after Carter left, she'd been taken aback to find me crying. Nevertheless, she immediately switched to Mom Friend mode, going to her room to fetch me a box of tissues and copious amounts of chocolate from her private stash.

Maya, meanwhile, was more subdued. She was probably a little shell-shocked - not even the warmest, most affectionate of people would know exactly what to do when they had to awkwardly third-wheel a declaration of love gone wrong.

"Why couldn't he have just stayed and processed it here? Why did he have to process it at all?" I protested. I knew I was whining but I didn't care. I was upset and angry and heartbroken.

The most frustrating thing was that, really, I had no one to blame. Alice had apologised profusely for letting Carter in whilst she was out in the hallway on the phone, but obviously she wasn't to blame for what happened. Of course, I could get mad at Carter - couldn't he have gone for fight instead of flight, so that I could at least speak to him? - but that was wrong, too. From the start, he'd told me exactly what he wanted and what he didn't want, so I knew that a girl blurting out that she loved him definitely came under the latter category. I even knew where a lot of his issues with commitment stemmed from, after he'd opened up to me about his parents' problems. With Kyle specifically telling me earlier that day that Carter was struggling, I'd accidentally said one of the last things he wanted to hear.

Of course I regretted anything that hurt him but, despite it all, I couldn't help but feel a little relieved that I'd finally said it.

It was true; it had been true ever since I was thirteen years old. Right now, it felt like I'd lost him irreparably, but I'd felt like that before, only to stumble upon him six years later and halfway across the world. I just couldn't shake the feeling that we were tethered, him and I. That we'd keep coming back to each other, over and over, however long it took us to get it right.

Maybe that was just wishful thinking, but I knew that this time he wasn't going anywhere; I had months until the end of my first year to get him back, as a friend or as something more. And if he was still lost to me by then, well, I'd have to finally learn how to let him go.

I picked up a cookie and popped it in my mouth. All I wanted to do was curl up and go to sleep. I remembered how my Mum always used to tell me that an early night helped everything; suddenly I was overwhelmed by how much I missed her. My homesickness came on hard and fast so that I could barely breathe. For the first time, I wished I'd not decided to spend a year in another country, that I could just go home, that Carter had never come back into my life at all.

But then Maya stood up and began connecting her laptop to the TV. Moments later Netflix appeared on the screen and I watched as she selected Legally Blonde. She sat back down beside me, then shuffled closer on the sofa join us so that I was sandwiched between them. With the familiar opening sequence of the film playing and the two of them by my side, I knew that I wouldn't change this experience so far for the world.

***

I woke up in a disorientated panic, shaken by the sound of my ringtone. Fumbling around for a moment, I managed to fish my phone out from where it had fallen down the side of my bed and answered it. My heart was pounding at the thought of talking to Carter. "Hello?"

"Hi, Sydney!" My Dad's voice through the speaker was jarring. Clearly, it wasn't Carter calling.

I felt my heart rate return to a normal pace as I replied, "Oh, hey, Dad."

"What are you doing today?" he asked.

Last night I'd fallen asleep still dressed in leggings and a hoodie. My mouth was dry and my neck ached, like I'd slept at a bad angle. The curtains had been left open; now I squinted against the bright light to look at my calendar pinned to my wall.

"Uh, not much other than a class from three to five," I answered groggily. "Why?"

I could picture Dad's grin as he told me, "I'm here, at Yale! Remember that job I told you about? I've come over to discuss it and see if I still love this place as much as I used to; I arrived this morning."

As much as I loved him, I really didn't want to see my Dad at the moment. Previously, he would have been a great comfort, but ever since Carter had told me the truth about my parents' divorce, he'd represented this complicated tangle of emotions. He was no longer just my Dad, who was good and kind and would protect me against anything. I wasn't sure I could deal with the implications of that today, when I still felt so raw from Carter's rejection. But it wasn't like I had a choice, so I tried to sound enthusiastic as we arranged to meet for coffee at two-thirty.

When the time came, weirdly, I felt a hint of nerves. It wasn't like it was the first time I'd seen my Dad since finding out; I'd seen him a couple of times over Christmas. There was just something different about him being here. Even though it was him that initially inspired me to come to Yale, it felt like my place now, and it was entirely separate in my mind to my life back in England. The only crossover I'd had so far was Carter, but the connection between us was much more complex than just location.

Carter. A thought struck me: if my Dad were to move over here, he'd inevitably become a more active part of my life here, but what would that mean for Carter? Understandably, his feelings towards my Dad were less than positive, so I didn't imagine he'd enjoy my Dad being around. Although I'd only have a few months left here before I went back to England for good, the thought of being any more cut off from Carter during that time left me feeling lost.

Thankfully, I didn't have time to burrow any deeper into my rabbithole of terrible consequences, as my Dad walked in. I'd specifically chosen a different campus coffee shop to my usual; this was one that I'd never visited with Carter. As much possible, I was still trying to compartmentalise of my life, even if that did just mean separate coffee shops.

I stood up to greet him and he pulled me into a hug. I let myself relax into it; despite my turmoil surrounding my parents, he was still my Dad and the sad, vulnerable part of me that desperately wanted to be at home was still there, so it felt like just what I needed.

"What would you like to drink?" Dad asked with a smile before he sat down.

"I'll have a cappuccino to go, just in case I don't have time to finish it before I have to leave."

A couple of minutes later he returned with a mug and a paper cup, setting them down in front of us and sitting down.

"I've just come from a meeting with the Dean," he announced. "He's definitely keen for me to take this job. I'd be moving over as soon as possible, settling in, doing research and such until the next academic year when I could start teaching."

"What about you?" I asked. "Are you keen?"

He paused to take a sip of his drink and I wondered what he was thinking. Moving back to America was a big decision. His move to England had been big, too, but that was a romantic venture that was momentous in a different way.

"I do love it here," he mused, as though he was making his decision right in front of me. "Perhaps I'm just nostalgic for my younger years, but there's something magic about this place."

I couldn't help it - once again, my mind went to Carter. The fact that I'd found him again after thinking I'd lost him all those years ago certainly felt a little like some kind of magic. Fate, you might even say.

"If you want it, you should go for it, Dad," I said. "It would be nice having you live over here, too."

I was being truthful, for the most part, if I just put aside the negative side to him I'd discovered. A small, reckless part of me wanted to confront him about it. I wanted to ask him why he did that to Mum, to our family; whether he thought about us while we waited for him to come home on the evenings he spent with another woman; why neither him or Mum ever told me what had really happened. In a way, I was still an angry fourteen year old who couldn't understand why her parents simply didn't love each other anymore, who was losing her faith in love.

But then I looked at Dad now, sat opposite me, thick-rimmed glasses slightly askew, coffee cup in hand, and I knew that I would never bring it up. It would become a heavy secret between us, in the way that I supposed all families had secrets. Slowly, I would get better at pushing the fact to the back of my mind, so that I could be around him without any upsetting thoughts rearing their heads.

I'd always struggled with it, but I supposed a lot of being content in life meant letting go, and I supposed that was just something I'd get better at.