"So, y'know, I put my arms around his neck and we kiss."

Alice squealed, resting her chin in her hands as though she was listening to the most romantic love story in the world. Her bright blue eyes shone with excitement and she was clearly proud at having set Michael and I up. I bite back a laugh, holding up a finger.

"That's not all," I continue. "So, we're kissing and I'm thinking, hey, this is nice - nothing mind-blowing, but still nice. Then, we pull apart and he looks a little bewildered, so I ask if he's okay, and he says - I kid you not - I think I might be gay."

At this, Alice burst out laughing. "Oh my god! Your kissing was so bad that you turned him off girls completely!"

"Hey!" I exclaimed, grabbing a cushion and chucking it at her. "I've been told I am a very good kisser, actually."

"According to who?" Alice asked. "Because Carter doesn't count, you know. He was fourteen and kissing a girl for the first time so, like, of course he thought it was great."

I rolled my eyes. "I have kissed other people besides Carter."

At this moment, Maya walked into the kitchen, announcing her entrance with a sneeze. She was on the final stretch of her cold, despite still insisting that she wasn't ill. "You kissed Carter?!"

"No!" I replied. "Not since I was thirteen, anyway."

"Oh," Maya said, clearly disappointed. "Old news."

In the pause in conversation, Alice giggled to herself. I couldn't help but smile when I looked at her, even though I knew she was just going to recount my humiliation to Maya.

"You remember Sydney had that blind date last night?" she asked, to which Maya nodded. "Well, she kissed him... and then he told her he's gay!"

Of course, Maya laughed, too. "That's rough."

"I don't mind," I insisted. It was true; I wasn't invested in a budding romance with Michael. "I'm just glad I helped him on his journey of self-discovery."

"Also, Alice, clearly your matchmaking skills are terrible," Maya added. "I mean, you originally tried to set up a gay guy with a lesbian."

The topic of conversation soon changed, which I was glad of. One detail I'd left out of my recollection of last night's date was the presence of a certain irritating person from my past. I knew that Alice would think it was fate again, or something. Plus, I didn't want them getting any ideas that I was bothered by seeing Carter on his date, because I wasn't. He was arrogant and a player and so frustrating, so as far as I was concerned I wanted as little to do with him as possible.

Unfortunately, Carter didn't seem to have the same idea about our current relationship. As I walked to a lecture on Monday morning, my phone buzzed with a text from him, asking what's up?

I replied that I had a lecture to go to, which silenced him for a while.

But, a couple of hours later as I lay on my bed trying to muster the energy to be productive, I received another text. How's Michael?

Rolling my eyes, I wondered why he was so intent on being annoying. Then, it occurred to me that he might not even realise he was annoying me, perhaps he was just trying to be friendly.

I wouldn't know, there's not a second date happening, I typed in response.

Instantly, Carter replied. I'm sure you were too good for him anyway.

Upon reading this, I softened a little. Maybe Carter wasn't that annoying. But still, it didn't mean we had to become best friends, or anything. So, I stood up, put my phone face down on my desk, and got to work.

***

My days continued in a comfortable routine: go to class, study, hang out with Maya and Alice, occasionally text Carter. I settled into life at Yale, in America, even. Soon, the days became weeks and the weather started to grow cold around me. I called both my parents every week, letting my Dad know that, yes, the library was still amazing, and my Mum that, yes, I was eating enough. I completed assignments, learned the names of my classmates, worked hard enough to make the most of my opportunity in being there.

It was the coldest day yet, cold enough that I had to run back inside to grab a scarf the moment I stepped outside, that I next saw Carter. After the series of unexpected collisions in the couple of weeks of being in each other's lives again, we hadn't come across each other in a while. This wasn't entirely surprising; I imagined we ran in pretty different circles.

I was early for class, as usual, when I noticed him at a coffee cart outside the building I was supposed to be in. Figuring it would be rude to not talk to him, and that some caffeine would be good right now, I headed towards it.

Upon my approach, he looked up and grinned. "Sydney!"

"Hi," I said, flashing a brief smile. I turned to order my drink, then looked to Carter. "What's up?"

"Not much, just waiting for some friends," he replied as I took my drink and passed over the money.

Subconsciously, we moved away from the coffee stand and towards a more tucked away corner. I knew I still had at least five minutes before I needed to head to class, and with Carter smiling at me like he was, I couldn't bring myself to leave any earlier than that. Frustrating as he was, he was certainly nice to look at.

"Doing anything nice?"

"I'm not sure yet; a couple of the others have organised it," he explained, then his face lit up. "Hey, you should come with us!"

I shook my head, certain that whatever Carter and his friends were getting up to in the middle of the day, it wasn't something I would fit in with. Plus, even if I did want to, I had class, which I told him.

"So, what?" Carter said, as though that was an entirely pointless reason. As though the education I'd worked so hard over the last few years to achieve, that I was paying an obscene amount of money for, that I'd moved thousands of miles for, was nothing.

"So, I have to go. I want to go," I replied, indignant. His nonchalance had made me unexpectedly angry; a trigger I didn't even know I had. "Maybe you don't, but I care about my education and getting good grades. I thought you would know that."

It was a reference to when we were young; he always complained about school and never did his homework, while I'd enjoyed most of my homeschooling lessons. Even once I got older and started attending a regular school, I still seemed to like it more than many of my peers. Now that I was at university, focusing on subjects I was passionate about and wanted to pursue long-term, it was incomprehensible to me that I wouldn't care about going to classes and doing well here.

"I know you want to do well, but what's the harm in missing one class?" Carter countered, only reinforcing the realisation that was becoming strikingly obvious.

Maybe we had something in common once, at least we had been similar enough to form a friendship as close as ours had been, but we were different people now. There was no way that this twenty-year-old Carter could fit into my current life.

"I have to go," I told him, turning and walking towards my class before he could respond.

When I walked into the classroom, it was nearly full with other students. My eyes darted around for an empty space, landing on one in the back corner. I was approaching it when, to my dismay, the person in the seat next to it looked up and smiled at me.

"Oh, hey, Michael," I said awkwardly as I sat down next to him. "I didn't know you were in this class."

"Timetable issue," he explained. "I had to transfer to this from another one."

I nodded, looking down at the blank page of my notebook in front of me. What were you supposed to say to someone you went on a blind date with a couple of weeks ago, kissed, then discovered was gay? This situation was definitely not covered in any book I'd read or movie I'd watched.

The professor seemed to be running late, as two minutes crawled by with no sight of her. Typical. Around us, the room was alive with chatter, only serving to make the silence between Michael and I even more painfully obvious.

"Sorry about the other night," Michael said at last. I twisted in my chair to look at him. "I know it's a lot to drop on someone, but I guess I just realised I was done trying to be someone I wasn't."

"It's okay," I told him. "And, I mean, congratulations for coming out. I just have to ask though, was my kiss so bad that it made you finally decide to stop being with girls?"

Michael laughed, shaking his head. "Don't worry, it wasn't the kiss. Out of the girls I've kissed, I'd say you were pretty decent."

"Pretty decent," I echoed, my smile coming more naturally now as I felt the tension between us dissipate. "I'll take that."

We slipped into silence for perhaps a minute more, only this time it was less uncomfortable. That is, until Michael asked, "So, what's the deal between you and that guy that was there?"

"Who?" Ugh. Why did he have to bring him up?

"Tall, gorgeous, kept looking over at you all night?"

"Carter?"

"Yeah, I mean, there was clearly some unspoken history there," Michael said. "Are you exes?"

I hesitated, unsure of how to explain whatever the hell Carter and I were. "We... we knew each other when we were younger, briefly, but lost touch. Then, when I came over here, I found out he goes here too, so it was a surprise."

Michael nodded, but there was something in his eyes saying he didn't entirely believe my explanation. "Right, so were you in love with him when you were young, or is that a new development?"

"What?" I'd chosen the wrong moment to take a sip from my water bottle, because now I almost choked on it. "Why would you say that?"

Michael shrugged, then replied, "I'm pretty sure anyone paying any attention could see it. You're in love with him."

"I'm not!"

Carter was infuriating and a total polar opposite to me, not to mention the fact neither of us had the slightest interest in being together. We'd be a disaster, I was certain. In fact, I had evidence (in the form of thirteen-year-old Sydney's diary entries from the month he left) that we could only end in disaster.

"You paid more attention to him and his date than me for most of the night – not that I'm complaining, I obviously wasn't exactly feeling it either," Michael explained. "Plus, you think I didn't notice you looking at him before and after kissing me?"

I couldn't find the words to respond to this, because at least part of what he was saying was true. I did pay way more attention than I should have to Carter and Grace, and it was seeing Carter that made me decide to kiss Michael. But that didn't mean I was in love with him. He was simply getting under my skin, so I wanted to get under his in return.

I didn't get a chance to defend myself, though, as our professor burst into the room, hurriedly explaining something about traffic. So, I tried my best to focus for the next two hours, scribbling notes more hastily and leaning towards the professor more intently every time that Carter slipped into my thoughts. By the end, I'd written several pages of nearly illegible notes and my back ached from craning so far forward.

After class, I tried to convince Michael of my total lack of feelings towards Carter, but he had to be somewhere else on campus and left before I had a chance.

So, I started to head home, still a little worked up, ready to tell Alice or Maya that Michael was in my class and get some validation on how little I cared about Carter. Plus, I'd tell them about our encounter at the coffee cart earlier, to show just how totally incompatible we were to even be friends, let alone anything more.

But, to my surprise, I got back to my dorm to see the last person I expected to find waiting on my doorstep. Carter goddamn Pearson. Like we were kids again and he was loitering on my front lawn while he waited for me to be free to hang out.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, unable to hide the accusatory tone to my voice. He stepped out of the way of my door as I fumbled in my pocket for the key. "Shouldn't you be out, like, breaking some laws with your friends or something?"

This made Carter laugh, which made me scowl harder while I unlocked my door. "Syd, I like to have a good time but I'm not a criminal."

"Whatever," I said, ignoring how he'd used a nickname for me. Finally, I managed to get the door open and stepped inside, then turned around to face him. "What are you doing here?"

"I decided not to go out with my friends," Carter replied. "I went to my lecture instead; I guess you inspired me."

Despite myself, my cold front thawed a little. He smiled, noticing the effect his words had on my attitude.

"That's good," I said, sharpness gone from my voice.

"So, I figured I'd come here afterwards, to tell you," he explained, eyes meeting mine. I tried my best not to notice their striking shade of blue, which seemed to be unique to his eyes alone.

Feeling my gaze slip from his eyes to his lips, I quickly averted it to his torso. Noticing that he was only in a t-shirt, despite how cold it was, I frowned. "Don't tell me you're one of those guys who wears totally impractical clothes regardless of the temperature just because you have some need to appear macho, or something."

Carter laughed, shaking his head. "Not trying to be macho, just the victim of a severe hangover this morning that meant I totally wasn't thinking straight. I'm regretting it a little now though. Especially because I didn't know what time your class ended, so I've been waiting here for like forty-five minutes. Also, I'd really appreciate it if you let me use your bathroom real quick."

I stepped back, allowing him to come inside, then turned to walk towards my room. I gestured in the direction of the bathroom. "It's over there."

Carter went in and I sighed, wondering how to convince myself that I hadn't watched with particular interest how his thin t-shirt clung to his shoulders as he walked. I went into my room, dumping my bag on the bed and kicking off my shoes. The door was ajar behind me and moments later I heard it being pushed open. Suddenly, I was very aware of the fact that Carter Pearson was in my bedroom. Noticing how I'd left a bra strewn across the chair in the corner, I cringed.

"So, this is where the magic happens," Carter said.

I turned around to see him looking around my room with an amused expression. Shooting him a look, I echoed, "Magic?"

"I meant the magic that is your genius brain doing all those assignments and getting all those As, obviously. Get your mind out the gutter." He grinned, relishing in teasing me, and I rolled my eyes. For a moment, it felt like six years ago.

"Is there anything else you need to be here for, or can you leave now?"

Carter laughed, putting a hand to his heart as though wounded. "God, you've got meaner, Sydney. I just figured it was only polite for you to show me out."

I was about to reply when I saw his eyes fall upon something behind me, causing his face to light up. Confused, I span around to see his sweater, still folded on the edge of my desk. I'd totally forgotten I had it.

"Oh! That time we got coffee, you left your sweater behind, so I brought it back with me. I was planning on giving it back to you, but the only times I've seen you since have been unexpected," I explained, feeling the colour rising in my cheeks. Today seriously wasn't a good day to go without makeup.

An amused smirk grew on Carter's face and he made no effort to pick up his sweater. His hands were shoved deep into his jeans pockets. The relaxed, carefree nature of his body language was annoying. Surely he felt even a tiny bit awkward, too.

"And you didn't think to just text me about it?" Carter commented, raising his eyebrows at me. "For all I know you've kept it so you could wear it... sounds a little stalker-ish to me."

"Says the one who waited outside my door for me to get home," I replied. "Wait – how did you even know where I live?"

"The other day I was walking past this building when I saw you and Maya go in together, so I figured you both lived here, possibly roommates," Carter explained casually.

"You know Maya?" I asked, utterly thrown by his offhand dropping of her name. Apparently, our circles were more overlapped than I'd thought.

"Yeah, she's in my econ class," he said matter-of-factly. "I didn't realise you knew her until the other day when I saw you both together, so I texted her earlier, after seeing you, asking if she knew which dorm you were in."

For a while, I didn't know what to say. All this time I'd been talking about Carter to Maya, she'd known him? More than that, they were close enough to have each other's numbers? I momentarily felt a strange kind of jealousy rise in me, before I reminded myself that a) Maya was gay, so clearly not interested in Carter and b) I had no feelings towards Carter, so why did I care who he spoke to?

"I'll get going," Carter said, when I still hadn't replied. "By the way, Maya didn't know I knew you until I mentioned you this morning. So, if you'd talked about me to her, she hadn't been deliberately hiding the fact that we're friends."

Despite knowing he was one hundred percent correct in that I had spoken about him to both my roommates, multiple times, I made a point of rolling my eyes at him. "You're really overestimating your importance to me."

"Sure," he replied with an infuriating smirk. "I really should be going, though. I'm meeting Grace."

"Cool, enjoy," I said nonchalantly, turning to get a book from my shelf. "I think you can find your way to the door. I'll see you around, Carter."

"I hope so. Bye, Sydney."

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him leave my room. Then, my eyes fell upon his sweater, still sitting where I'd put it down weeks ago.

"Carter, wait!" I called out, grabbing the sweater and going out into the hallway to see him standing in the open doorway. He turned to face me, confused. "Your sweater."

"Keep it," he replied with a wink, then left.

I stared as the door swung shut behind him, holding his sweater in one hand and trying to figure out what that was supposed to mean.

***

I didn't see Maya until the next day, when she returned home from her night out at around midday. By this point, I'd learned not to expect her to be hungover because she didn't drink, something to do with being healthy. So, I didn't hold back as I pounced on her the moment she stepped into the kitchen, last night's eye makeup smudged around her eyes and dark, curly hair pulled up into a bedraggled looking ponytail.

"Maya!" I exclaimed, startling her.

"Let me guess," she interrupted before I could say any more. "You just found out I'm friends with Carter."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me!"

Maya strolled casually to the fridge, took out a bottle of iced tea and began gulping it down. I watched her, impatiently awaiting her reply. Then, as if to deliberately draw out my anticipation, she headed to the sink and started washing up a bowl from the day before.

"Maya!"

Finally, she turned to me, smirking. "Sorry, it's just funny to make you wait."

"Since when were you and Carter friends?" I asked, persistent.

Maya shrugged. "The start of the year, I guess. We got talking in our first lecture and just got on well. I didn't know his surname, though, so it never occurred to me that he'd be your Carter. He seemed a little too..."

"Too what?"

"I don't know," she said slowly, evidently regretting starting the sentence.

"Too cool? Too popular?" I asked. "I won't be offended, Maya, don't worry. I know we're not exactly an obvious match these days."

Maya crossed the kitchen to the door then turned around to face me. "Yeah, pretty much. You're both awesome people, but I really don't think you'd be a good couple."

I frowned. "Yeah, I know, I never said I wanted to –"

"I know," she said. "Just don't want you getting your heartbroken, that's all. Anyway, I've got to go shower, but I'll see you later."

So, Maya left, leaving me standing a little dumbfounded in the middle of the kitchen. I knew that Carter and I were no longer a good fit – perhaps we never were, perhaps the time we'd had together was only so good because we were in a sort of bubble that came with our age, without ever facing any actual issues. That much was clear. But why was Maya so adamant of it? And what was with her concern over my heart? I didn't have feelings for him, but even if I did, I wasn't going to end up heartbroken over him. I'd been through that once before, which was more than enough for one lifetime.