Sinner
Such a strong word coming from the mouth of a pristine tween like me
But when you've been going to church
And they tell me god will love me DESPITE being gay
What do you expect me to believe?
When I meet a girl I might like.
I start to sob because all I hear in the same poison I take every Sunday.
Maybe you'll be straight the next day Mom would say.
As if there was hope for someone like me.
A sinner like me.
Why must I stop being the sinner I was made to be?
Did I chose this reality? No? Then leave me be.
I remember liking a girl in the first grade and spending years hiding it away in fear of what my family would have to say.
I would spend nights crying and screaming asking why I was made this way?
Was I not okay?
Was I sick? Was I ill?
Can I be cured with some type of pill?
Turns out being gay was A okay.
The only thing I needed to do was make the pain and scars go away.
That didn't work
The fear of being judged had turned to anxiety
Anxiety turned to panic attacks
The sadness turned to depression which turned to not eating. Which turned to collapsing which turned to Suicide Watch.
Yeah...I thought being gay was why I wasn't okay.
But always seems to go back to that.
If I'm sad it's because of my "gay" friends
If I'm stressed it's because I feel shame which means I'm sinning doesn't it?
Well...no. Nice try though.
But when I ever have my head between my knees
I would usually be greeted by a ping! On my phone screen.
Saying "Hey"
From one of my "gay" friends as they love to call them.
Well when that gay friend is your crush who's
A girl then yep I guess they are pretty gay.
But Why is that not okay?
Why are my feelings suddenly become just a phase?
If it's a guy then it's the cutest thing.
If it's a girl then I'm sinning
There are days where I just want to scream!
Let me out of this box you put me in!
Trapping me in this cell with all of my sins and emotions
Stop!
Sinner.
Such a strong word coming from the mouth of a pristine tween like me
But when you've been gone through the shit i have
What would you expect me to believe?