DEPRESSION WARNING SKIP IF U GOT REALLY BAD TRIGGERING ANXIETY BUT IF YOU DONT MUST READ ITS IMPORTANT TO THE STORY TRUST MEEEEEEE ITS GONNA PLAY A BIG ROLE/ROLES THROUGG OUT THE STORY TRUST ME
     Tom
~~•♡•♡•~~

Tord fell asleep while we were watching 'The Children' so i simpily got off of YouTube and turned off his laptop.

I got up off from tords lap and made myself back to my room well when i got to my doorway the door was well brocken down wood chippings   everywhere
"Damn he really did brake into my room "
I murmured to myself and let out a soft sigh  stepping over the brocken down door going over to my bed sitting down on it.

I sat in silence for a while then got bored really fast i got out my base Susan out seeing her black and white checkered spot i looked at her some more then snapped out of my haze. As strummed my fingers over her metal ,silver cords hearing notes. I smiled and started forming a little melody of a song called inevitable and started to sing the lyrics feeling at ease singing it

(Hey guys im really lazy so im not gonna type down the lyrics okay im sorry ill leave the song at the bottom of this chapter so you could listen to it,its a good song and zoyberg one of my favorite artists made a tomtord animation with this 10/10 song )

I finished singing and placed her bye my dresser looking at her checkered patter again i looked at my bloody sheets from last night damn it i took the sheets and headed to the laundry room and put them in the washer and but in the detergent it needed and started it hearing the water starting to fill up the washer and moving the bed sheets around in the hot water. I went to the bathroom closing and locking the door behind me and searched through the medicine cabinet looking for the gauze to wrap around my arm
"Where is it...oh there heh heh"
I stood back up and sat on the toilet seat rolling up my sleeve unwrapping the old gauze from last night around my arm throwing it away in the silver trashcan beside me. I got the new gauze wrapping it around my arm that was covered with new and old cuts seeing blood stained onto my arm i didnt even bother washing it well whatever. After i wrapped my arm with gauze i used my canine teeth the tear it from the roll. I rolled my sleeve down and put the gauze away walking into the kitchen to check the time 2:43 pm,might as well have a lunch a late lunch. I walked over to the fridge seeing the dinner from last night. Instantly memories flashed in my head from dinner,to movie, to the fight ,slap ,and to the cutting. I closed the fridge losing my appetite for food i just headed back to my room and grabbed a bottle of smirnoff from under my bed that i got the other day 'unnatural peach flavored Smirnoff '
It read i didnt care just opened the cap and drinking the bottle a little at a time.

I just sat on my floor leaning against my wooden bed frame, me being me getting bored of just sitting and sipping on my smirnoff. I set the bottle down and looked under my bed seeing if anything interesting was under there.
Boxers, shoes,vans box full of letters,poster,jeans

Wait vans box full of letters
I pull the vans shoe box out from under my bed and opened it to see letters laying in it folded it was getting more yellow brownish cause the paper was old
Letters i wrote in high school im guessing yeah most likely 
I took one letter and unfolded it seeing that it was written in red ink most likly i was gonna give it to tord probably a love letter of many i was gonna give him that i never gave him.

'Dear Tord,'

Yep for tord eh

'Im not satisfied with anything in my life i want it to end the misery all the pain i...i want to die. I got nothing to live for exept being worthless '

I read that part of the letter and i put it back down closing the vans box seeing a label on it i didnt notice before

' sad, suicidal letters '

Suicidal death notes... it cant be i thought i threw them away but apparently not.
I remember all the letters i wrote and stuffed them in a box so when i killed myself it would go out to many of the people i addressed or wrote them to. All the relentless night's i stayed up crying pulling a all nighter but i wanted to go to sleep forever but my body would not let me sleep not even for a few hours would it let me sleep. I remember all the cuts that were marked onto my skin but on my non existent thighs there are deep cut marks there. I drank non stop at one point i didnt go to school for months cause of depression and anxiety swallowing me up so badly. I wrote letters amongst letters wondering which letter is gonna be the last one i write. I was so doubtful about myself i just smashed every mirror in the house and threw them away i didnt want to see myself my ugly self. It would be days before i would eat anything just drink water and any type of liquor i could get my hands on. I locked all windows and doors so edd,matt and tord could not try and get in my house i didnt want them to see me like this such a worthless mess, mistake ,disaster.

But then day i kinda remember the events i looked at this box and read every letter then i walked around the dark gloomy and looked at the mess i made and broke down minutes later then a hour later i collected myself up and ... i cant remember a lot more but i stayed home for another month bit in that month i collected myself up started to do self therapy somehow makong my own goals

If i did good for two weeks i would make a little batch off cookies. I copped to keep my tempers down and dont end up making a disaster of the house. And when my cuts finally started to heal properly i let the gang over. They all cryed they were so worried i also cryed cause they cryed. I remember after edd and matt cradled me and left tord stayed behind. He cryed and just hugged me telling me things like 'dont do that again you scared me ' and 'i missed you tom ' i teared up of caurse and hugged back. He was nicer after that and edd and matt started to become more protective around me. Well when i asked tord out he rejected me and i was depressed but didnt show it just kept it away behind closed doors and started to write letters again and stuff started to write heart braking songs,cut,didnt eat a whole lot ,drank ,last but not least cryed my eyes out. I was heart brocken sad but that sadness turned into anger he would get pissed off at me for me being pissed off at him it kinda hurt me cause i still like him and i still do and it does hurt me when we fight when he physically and mentally hurts me with his actions or words and what happened last night physically hurt me, like it left a bruise there.

I opened the box once more and started to read through them

Once i got to the bottom of the box there was an white envelope addressed to all of the gang edd,matt.... and tord.

I opened it and pulled out the paper

And it read

' you are my only real family
    I hope you dont miss me to much
  Besides im only a worthless joke

     -Thomas Ridgewell '

And then there was a picture in the invelope i pulled it out it was a picture of all four off us in  our first year of high school

I started to tear up cause of the overwhelming sadness going through my body about the past and here i am now going through it now
Now i just feel empty all of a sudden i cant just lock myself in .y room anymore cause tord broke it and that means exposing myself when i cry and i dont like it when they see me cry i feel so weak so useless. Its even worse when they try to comfort me now cause i feel like a burden to their every day lives, im just a lazy shit in this house why do they let me stay

I was crying i felt fresh warm tears rush down my face

"Tom"
I heard a voice say with a very thick accent
But i didnt budge to move or make a noice
"Tom whats wrong "
He rushed over to me putting his hands on my shoulders

"Tord "
He weakly smiled
"Yes its me ,whats wrong what are these papers here for what are they about
I felt more warm tears fall down my face as i pushed him away and started to collect the letter and put them back into the box and shoved the box under my bed. Tord he just stared and once againg he put his hands on my shoulders
"Tom whats wrong tell me now we cant have you like this again we cant lo-"
I hugged him and started weeping into his chest and screamed
"THERE LETTERS SAD,SAD LETTERS " he just held me rubbing and patting my back slightly sniffling every now and then
The we walked over to my bed and i just sat on my knees and continued to cry in his chest as he sat on my bed still rubbing my back and trying comfort me

"Give me your letters tom okay "
I looked up at him and shook my head 'no'
I cant have him read the ones about how i loved him and was gonna kill myself
"Why tom"
"C-can i,i give i-it to yo-you *sniff,sniff* a,a diff-different da-day t-tord?" I said chocking on my own sobs he nodded his head and started to comfort me