Tumor.

This bit of information from him got me sitting upright in an instant. It was like taking a blow out from thin air. Where did that come from? And... five years ago? So that means during those times we were together, he had it already?

This was another blow I couldn't handle. If I still had tears, I would've cried at that moment. But my eyes were as dry as a dessert, depleted of tears. I put down the journal and stood. I went to his coffin and looked through the viewing glass. There, Oliver lied peacefully. He looked as if he was just sleeping soundly; his lips were curved upward a little bit, making him look like he is smiling weakly – "die smiling". I remembered our little bucket list we wrote together on our first monthsary. One of the entries he wrote was to die smiling. You really are so serious on your bucket list, aren't you?

I placed my hand on the cold glass – the closest I can get to touching him. Seeing the stitches on his forehead, I can't help but wonder how this man can still manage to smile even in death, despite the absurdities he suffered. There's so much question in my head - so much I want to say – and I needed the answers badly. But, I guess it is better for some things to stay buried. I want to give Oliver the peace he deserved. Or, I think it would be more honest to say: I need to give myself some peace I needed. It's time to let go, as what my sister Margaret had told me.

Then, the awakening aroma of coffee filled the air around me. I looked to my side and saw Hannah standing beside me with two cups of coffee, one she had just sipped and the other she offered to me.

"Thanks," I muttered as I took the cup from her.

Her eyes were fixed on Oliver as she blew and sipped her coffee. It took a while before she spoke. "I know you have a lot of questions."

Somehow, I can't stop myself from wondering whether Hannah was a psychic. But, then, she nodded her head sideways along with a quick glance at the journal. "I had a lot of questions too when I read that," she said.

"I thought this will give me some sort of... closure," I said trying to hide every bit of emotions from going out from my mouth.

"Come. Melissa. The sun will shine soon. Let's take a walk." She did not wait for my answer. She did not even wait for her sentence to finish before turning for the exit.

I followed her as we passed through rows of plastic seats where some people were still deep in slumber and others focused on their card games.  I kept a little distance between us. At first, it didn't occur to me how all of this is affecting Hannah. After all, she had just lost her brother and still has no news about her son. Once again, I've been too selfish to even think of how other people could be feeling right now. With my free hand, I pinched my thigh so hard that my short nails pierced through my jeans. I winced in pain.

"What's the matter?" I looked up to see Hannah waiting by the door. Her eyes were filled with kind sympathy towards me. I should be the one doing that. I should be the one giving sympathy to her. Though I do feel sorry for her, I couldn't bring myself to actually show what I feel for others. It was like selfishness has become second nature to me.

"It's just some mosquito," I told her. When I caught up with her, she smiled at me and wrapped her arm around my shoulder. I was taller than her by a couple of inches. But, the way she wrapped her arm around me with welcoming warmth made me feel significantly smaller than her. Well, I guess I really am smaller than her in many ways. There was something about her smile that drew the lines between our differences. She has been through many adversaries in life yet, she could still muster up a smile. She really is Oliver's sister.

"There's a little garden behind this building where we can see an open field. Let's go there," she said.

We walked slowly and silently. The silence would've been awkward in some other instances. But at this moment, I savored every moment of tranquility I could have to collect my thoughts and myself. Everything had happened in a rush, after all. The outside scenery greeted me with a cool breeze of dawn. The skies were painted deep oceanic blue with stains of light turquoise. Dark clouds lied lowly obscuring the horizon beyond. Street lights from a distance were still lit and the guard was sound asleep. We passed by the little fountain where I sat just a few hours ago and turned to a little alleyway between the funeral home and the little chapel. The air was still very cold and the gloomy skies showed no signs that they would let the sun shine. I wonder if the sun would ever shine.

We reached the mini garden where pink azaleas lined the circular garden and where blossoming white and yellow chrysanthemums were arranged in alternating rows. There were vines curling up the arched gate of the garden. Unknown purple and white flowers sprout through the vines. The place was a feast for the eyes. It would've been a great place for a photo shoot if it weren't hidden behind a funeral home.

We went inside.

"Oliver loved flowers when he was young," Hannah said as she bent down on one of the azaleas. "There was a time when we all thought that he would turn out gay." She chuckled.

"He actually joked that he would've turned out gay if we hadn't met each other," I said. I got her to giggle at this.

Then she stood and continued to graze through the garden. "He's a pretty selfless guy. He once bought our mother a pair of expensive sandals out from the meager allowance he had. I discovered that he had been putting off the things he wanted to buy and needed to buy just to earn that amount." She stopped to adore one of the chrysanthemums. "But, he did not complain. To him, what mattered were the results. If mother was happy, he was happy... and that's that."

That was true indeed. Back when we were together, he would always look after me first. To him, I always come first before him. He had always showed that chivalry is not dead. But, I wasn't sure why Hannah was telling me these things right now. Nonetheless, I played along with her. I like the comfort she brings whenever she said something about Oliver. So, she continued telling me things about Oliver that I didn't know. I also told her something about Oliver when we were still together. I felt happy somehow. But then, I've always had a lingering question ever since I closed Oliver's journal.

"Hannah..." I wasn't sure if it was showing on my face but I was hesitating to ask the question. But, it's now or never. "... about the tu– "

"Yes, Liz." She looked back at me with intense eyes. I was taken aback. I shouldn't have asked her that. "I was coming to that." Her expression suddenly went softer.

"What I was trying to say to you, Liz, is that there was nothing you could have done - we could have done - to save Oliver." Her eyes were piercing yet her hands were trembling as she cradled the cup of coffee in her hands.

"I'm sorry... I – I always felt like this is all my –"

"This is nobody's fault, Liz." She held me by the shoulder this time with her free hand. She brushed her fingers on my shoulder so softly that in every stroke, I felt like I would give away any moment and break down in sobs. "When it's your time, it's your time. This is all happening according to God's plan, Liz."

Her smile was pained. I could tell. It was as if she was saying it more to herself than to me.

"Oliver's tumor had already spelled his death. If he hadn't come here in this city, he would've eventually died because of the tumor. He would've died oblivious of the kind of life he left behind. He would've died not seeing you. You see, Liz, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I'm sure you've heard of that." She let go off me and sipped her coffee. I'm sure she was trying to choose the right words to say. But, to me, every word she said perfectly hit my soft spots.

"Oliver chose love over life. I knew he would choose it without second thoughts. That was why I never mentioned you to him back then. I was afraid I would lose him again. I'm sorry, Liz... I lied. I never forgot about you. I just didn't want to talk about you. I got so selfish."

Her hands trembled even worse. I grabbed her free hand and held it to mine. "No, Hannah. Don't. You have every right to feel that way." I wished I could say the same to myself.

"Thank you, Liz. That's very kind of you." She squeezed my hand softly before letting go. "My point is... the moment he met you, I'm sure he has resolved it within him that you will be the last woman he would love before death catches up to him. Even if we managed to remove Oliver's tumor back then, it was bound to grow back. By then, it would've been a lot harder to treat. So, when you came to his life, it didn't make any difference on his life expectancy. So he chose to keep it a secret. You did not help extend his life longer, but you did help him make it a lot better. You made him feel what love is."

"But I did not tell him I love him!" The words came out almost like a reflex that I surprised myself as much as I surprised Hannah. But the words were true down to the last letter and the tears that fell down my cheeks can attest to that.

I thought she would slap me. But, she just smiled. "Do you love him?"

"Yes! I did and I still do."

"Then say it."

"I love him."

"That's weak."

"I love him!" My voice got louder this time, with more resolve.

"Good. And if you love him, you don't need closure," she said with a smile so resolute, so confident of what she just said.

"B-but... Why?"

"Simple. Love doesn't die. You don't have to get over what happened to Oliver. You don't need to get over his death. You said you love him? Then, prove it to Death."

"But, how?"

"Remember that I said Oliver is a selfless guy? Oliver did everything he could to show you that he loved you even if it cost him his life. Don't think that he is sad because he died. He died happy... happy that he showed you how much he loved you. He wanted you to be happy. He wanted you to be loved. Now, why did I say that? Remember the painting? He could've chosen to die right then and there, you know. He had already seen you and remembered you at the last minute, maybe. He could've died happy by then. But, he chose to defy death even for a few minutes just to leave you a message... a message of love."

She walked closer to me now and looked me straight to the eyes. "In his last minutes, he wanted you to know that you are loved... that you are not alone... that you should not be sad." She smiled but there were tears in her eyes. "He wanted you to be happy, Liz."

As soon as she finished talking, the first rays of the sun broke through the sky behind her, masking her tears in the shadows. Her hair shone in the vibrant color of the sun. I turned my gaze beyond her and into the ray of light that penetrated the dark heavy clouds. Its warmth gave life to my freezing cheeks. Its brightness made me squint but it didn't hurt. I looked directly at it as the sun rose slowly like a newborn baby coming out from the womb. It was majestic. It was splendid. After all the things that happened to us, I felt like I haven't seen the sun rising for an eternity.

And for what felt like a first time in a million years, I felt a sudden surge of emotions that made me feel lighter to my feet. The wind that brushed through my face was still cold, yet the warmth of the sun assured me that everything's going to be okay. It was as if Oliver himself came down from heaven to kiss me one last time. And finally I allowed myself to smile – a smile so wide I might've ripped my cheeks; a smile so pure that every bit of doubt, guilt, shame and depression in my heart melted against the heat of the morning sun; a smile so deep in me that my tears flowed like crazy from an unexplainable feeling of resolution inside of me. It was like I was touched by an angel – an angel whom I know to be none other than Oliver.

Then, somewhere within me, I heard Oliver's voice: I, Oliver Atienza, promise to love you no matter what. 

***

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