a/n~ i'm ready but also not ready for season 2. won't spoil it for anyone who hasn't played the game or doesn't know what's coming but, so many emotions ugnzmsajskcn

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     JOEL COULDN'T REMEMBER the last time he felt genuine heartbreak like this. Despite all that Josie, Ellie, and even Tommy said,  he still felt like he was failing everyone. Yes, he protected them and kept them safe to the best of his ability, but Josie and Ellie had come to his rescue way too much, at least in his mind.

When Joel first met Josie, for example, he wasn't as young as he was pre-outbreak, but he was able to do a lot more. It wasn't a question whether or not not he could keep her from harms way.

Even when they were ambushed, he knew it was only a matter of time before he took the men down and got Josie back to safety.

Now, he questioned every move he made. At almost every point in their journey, he was terrified that they'd be attacked or something would happen and he wouldn't be able to save Josie or Ellie. That they'd die, and he'd spend the rest of his life knowing it was all his fault.

But the guilt of asking Tommy to go in his place was eating away at him, and he hated himself for it.

Josie was right. He literally just told them he was having a kid, yet here he was asking his brother to risk his life on a 2 week journey. From the moment Tommy ran to follow Josie outside, after telling Joel that he was going to go with her to make sure he was safe, Joel wanted to take it back.

He wanted to run out after both of them and tell them that Tommy didn't need to go, he was going to suck it up and make the journey himself, and he'd be able to keep Josie and Ellie safe.

He wanted to, but his mind, and his anxiety wouldn't let him. He felt frozen, and it was a miracle he was able to get up and walk back to their house.

When Josie came into the bedroom and wouldn't even make eye contact with him, Joel swore his heart broke a little more. But he couldn't think of what to say. He knew the only thing that would make it right was to say he'd go with them, but that fear was there, and he was terrified he'd get them killed.

"I'm sorry," he finally found his voice just a second before Josie walked out of the bedroom.

"I need to get to sleep," Josie turned around but wouldn't look at him directly. "Tommy says we're leaving as soon as the sun starts to rise, so I don't have much time."

"Please, just five minutes."

Against her initial answer which was to refuse and go to bed, Josie nodded but remained standing leaning against the doorframe.

"I'm sorry," Josie echoes Joel's apology.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for."

"No, I do. It wasn't fair of me to lash out at you like that. I can't force you to go to, but I just want to say that what hurt the most was that you came to the decision that you wouldn't go, all by yourself. You didn't think I should've been part of that decision, that I deserved to have a say in how the journey ends?"

"That's not it I swear, I—"

Tears return to Josie's eyes. "Before I got Pietro back, you and Tess were all I had. Then she died, and it was just you. I've never doubted your decisions, and I've followed you wherever you said we should go. I know you think you're too old and that you'd fail, but that's not true. I trust you with my life, and I know you're doing what you think is best, but I don't agree. I think it's unfair of you to suddenly change your mind when we've come all this way, and you are the only person that I know can protect us, and keep us safe. I don't doubt Tommy, but he's a stranger to us. You've kept us safe, we wouldn't have made it this far without you."

There's noise in the hallway, a reminder to Josie that she told Ellie she'd be right in to go to sleep.

"I really do need to get to bed," Josie steps forward, and gives Joel a kiss on the cheek. "I'll see you when we come back." A small part of Josie thought if we come back, but she kept that to herself.

Joel manages to keep the tears at bay until he hears Josie enter the other bedroom, and the door clicks shut.

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The next morning, Josie wakes before Ellie does. She quietly exits the room and heads downstairs. She sees 2 new outfits laid out for her and Ellie, and a note from Maria that says stay warm, and make sure you and Tommy keep each other safe. Josie wonders what Tommy told her to let him go.

A moment after she exits the downstairs bathroom, having changed into her new clothes, Tommy arrives.

"Brought breakfast," he holds up 3 brown paper bags. Josie can tell he's obviously not thrilled about the journey they're about to take, but she's still grateful he insisted on coming.

Once they've finished eating, Tommy lays out a map on the kitchen counter. He takes a pencil and maps out the route they'll take, even pointing out where people form the town usually stop to sleep along the way. He says he'll explain it to Ellie when she's awake, but he just wanted to run it by Josie incase she had any suggestions.

"Joel and Tess usually did all that sort of planning, I was just along for the ride."

"Don't sell yourself short. Joel told me a little about where you fit into their whole, operation, I guess you'd call it. They wouldn't have made it without you either, you know."

Ellie came downstairs just then, and headed back upstairs to change once Josie showed her the new clothes. Once she's back downstairs and has her backpack on, Tommy hands her the last paper bag, and she practically tears the wrapping off. Knowing they need to get going, Ellie insists she's good to walk and eat as they head to the horses.

Once actually outside Tommy says they just need to make one final stop. They walk to a small building guarded by 2 men. Tommy heads inside, exiting a few minutes later with a rifle, 2 handguns, and Josie's bow and arrows. Ellie accepts a handgun, and Josie slings the bow and arrows over her back while slipping the second handgun into her backpack. Tommy offers to carry the spare bullets in his backpack.

"Sorry," Tommy says as they begin to head towards the stables. "I know it's not all the weapons you guys came with but we're pretty strict here about keeping them under lock and key. And when we do check them out, it's only for patrol or... outings like this. It's one weapon per person. I sort of snuck the second hand gun and I'm hoping they don't notice until we're already past the gates."

Just before they go inside, Tommy turns to Josie and Ellie again. "We're only taking two horses, we can't afford to spare any more. So—" Tommy cuts himself off as they enter the stables and the 3 are all met with a surprise, Joel putting a saddle on one of the horses.

Ellie scoffs. "What, you came here to say goodbye or something?"

"No. I came here to steal one of these horses and go."

"I woulda gave you one." Tommy's response is instant.

"I know. Anyway, that was the moment you all left the house, I waited up until I was sure you were gone. That was, what, twenty minutes ago? And I guess... you deserve a choice. I still think you'd be better off with Tommy—"

Ellie doesn't even need a second to decide. She shoves Joel's bag in his hands. "Let's go."

"Okay." Joel looks to Josie, and finds her looking at the ground, almost unable to look at him like last night.

"Dibs on my own horse though, you guys can ride together." Ellie doesn't give Josie a choice, she just grabs a saddle and asks Tommy's help in putting it on the second horse.

Josie sighs. Of course she feels a lot better knowing Joel would be with them. But their conversation that started last night is still very much unresolved, and she isn't sure how she feels about being so close to him for the next however many hours. Still, the choice has been made, so she hands Joel her sleeping bag, since he already had a hand out. He silently attaches it to the other side of their horses saddle, then asks if he wants her to attach the backpack too.

"No, it's kind of heavy with the bow and arrows clipped on. I'll wear it."

He nods, then helps Josie onto the horse. Joel takes the reins and follows Tommy out, with Ellie behind them. He gets general directions from Tommy while Josie checks that her bow and arrows are clipped securely onto her backpack.

Finally, Tommy turns to Josie. "Pietro—"

"He doesn't know we're leaving today. I know he'd tell me to not go, or that he'd come too, but I don't want to put that on him. I left a note, and I promised to be back in two-ish weeks. It's on the kitchen counter, could you give it to him some time today?"

Tommy nods. "I will. And I meant what I said last night, there's a place for you here. For all three of you."

"Counting on it," Joel and Tommy hug once more before Joel joins Josie on the horse. "Oh can I borrow that?" He points to Tommy's rifle.

"Yeah."

"'Cause Maria took all of ours, you know?"

"Already said yes Joel. Adios big brother."

Tommy walks them to the gates and watches as 2 men pull part of it open. He waits until the gate is completely shut again, before heading home to Maria.

As they ride, Ellie follows behind Joel and Josie, and Josie has her arms tight around Joel. He knows it's because she's terrified of falling off even if they don't go fast, since she made the confession years ago the first time she rode with him. But he wishes it was under better circumstances, and that she actually wanted to be near him right now. He could tell she was relieved he was going, but was understandably still hurt that he made the decision to not go, without talking to her.

The first few hours are spent in silence as they ride. It's so cold that nobody feels like making any sort of conversation, even Ellie doesn't tell a joke or ask more questions about what life was like before the outbreak.

But after a while, the teenager starts to grow restless as they do nothing but ride forward in the same direction, and she finally finds her voice to ask if they can stop and walk around for a little bit. Joel agrees, which surprises Josie a little. Still, she's more than happy to take a break and stretch her legs.

They're off the horses for less than a couple of minutes before Joel grabs the rifle and begins setting up makeshift targets a decent distance away.

"What do you need to brush up on your—"

Joel cuts Ellie off. "This is practice for you, kid. I'm hoping you won't even need to use the handgun you got, but I know you're more than capable if it comes down to it. Still, wouldn't hurt to learn how to use a rifle. You need the practice too," that last comment is directed towards Josie.

"What? I know how to use a rifle. You taught me Joel." She laughs, and Joel already treasures the sound. It's been less than 48 hours since he made her laugh, but that already felt to long. "And anyway since you talk about your age so much, maybe you're the one that needs the practice. You know since—"

"Alright smartass," Joel fails to contain his laughter. "I know I taught you, I was kind of there, remember? But since then I can count on one hand the number of times you've fired this thing," he holds the rifle up. "I know you've got your bow and arrows and there's only one rifle but three of us. Still like I said, it wouldn't hurt to have some practice. Now which of you is going first?"

"She'll go."

"She'll go." Ellie claps. "Hah! Knew it'd happen to me eventually. Alright fine I'll go first."

Ellie and Joel spend the next 20 minutes on Ellie's first shotgun lesson, while Josie takes the opportunity to clean both hand guns, and count how many arrows she has. She listens in, laughing at how Ellie insists she keeps missing because the target is too small.

"You squeeze the trigger like you love it. Gentle, steady, nice and slow."

"You gonna shoot this thing or get it pregnant? You sound like you're talking about Josie, not the rifle. Come on it doesn't aim right, you'll see."

Joel fires one shot.

"You dick..."

Josie takes a turn next, stunning both people watching her when she also hits the target not once, but twice in a row. "See?" She hands the rifle back to Joel and takes a big bow. "And I will give credit where it's due. I had a good teacher, so I haven't needed to brush up on my skills."

They end up spending another hour there to eat, and Ellie says she wants to hit the target at least once. After she uses up 5 more bullets, Joel insists they pack it up and get back on the road.

The trip end up riding through dinner, agreeing that they'd rather have a late dinner and eat where they've already set up for the night.

As the sun begins to set and Joel tries to ignore the warm feeling he gets with Josie's arms wrapped around him as she leans into him, Joel finally allows himself to think that things just might work out in their favor.

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