a/n~ bit cheesy here but please go with it hasdfa;dflbkajsg i promise it won't always be this bad.

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     JOEL STANDS UP AND tilts his head towards the door. "Can we talk?"

When Josie nods, he opens the door, going out first to make sure nothing is outside, but still holding the door open once he's sure it's safe.

"You gonna tell me why you've been upset with me since this morning?"

Josie sighs. She'd done her best to hide being upset, because she really did want to save that conversation for later. But she forgot that Joel knew her better than almost anyone. Well, now that Tess was gone, better than anyone. Still, she feels exhaustion and sleep practically begging her body to go and lay down.

"Joel, I'm really tired. Can we just—"

When he shakes his head, she's surprised. He has never pushed her to talk before. Whether it was an argument while they were traveling with or even without Tess, or back at Bill and Frank's, Joel had always been good about giving her space.

"Josie, please. I know I've messed up a lot in the past, and even recently. But I've been trying to do right since then. And— and until we get Ellie to where she needs to go, you and I have to look out for her. And I can't—"

Fuck it, Josie thinks to herself. Guess we are having this conversation right now.

"Exactly!" Josie throws her arms up and begins pacing. "WE have to look out for her. How are WE supposed to do that if YOU try to sacrifice your life instead of mine every time someone points a gun at me?"

"You heard Henry, their guns didn't have any bullets!"

Josie scoffs. "We didn't know that until way after the fact, Joel. If we are in this together, you cannot keep doing that. If we run into some other bad people, raiders, or more from the resistance that weren't with Kathleen and her people when they attacked us, you can't keep telling people to point a gun at you instead of me."

"Yes I can and I will."

"But why! You did it at Bill and Frank's all those years ago, and you hated me back then!"

"Where the hell is this coming from? I didn't hate you—"

"Why did you do it back then, and why did you do it again this morning? You keep saying we're in this together but you're so willing to die!"

"BECAUSE I CAN'T LOSE YOU!"

The phrase that something was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, never made sense to Josie until now. For the first time in so long that she can't remember, when Josie looks closely, she notices tears forming in Joel's eyes.

"The day Sarah died was hands down the worst day of my life. She died in my fucking arms, and that'll haunt me for the rest of my life. Sarah, Tommy, Tess, I have lost everyone I have ever cared about or loved. Except for you. I need you. I cannot lose you. So if it came down to a situation where only one of us could live, you're damn fucking right I'd tell someone to point a gun at me instead."

"And you think I could lose you?!" Tears fall down Josie's face, but they're angry tears, and she doesn't bother to wipe any of them away. "Joel, the only reason we've made it this far is because of you. You say you need me, but I need you just as much, if not, more. If only one of us survives this journey, it should be you."

"Josie no—"

After not being able to look at him for a while, Josie finally faces Joel again.

"Please, I need to say this. You listed Tommy in the people that you've lost, but he's out there somewhere. I'm gonna fight like hell to stay alive and help you get to him. But even if something happens to me, you need to keep going, because you have him. I— if Pietro were still alive and I knew he was out there, it'd be the same thing for me. If you die, I have no one left. I know you want to keep me safe and protect me, but you can't keep doing that."

"Josie," Joel slowly approaches Josie, as if he's afraid she'll run away or somehow disappear if he walks too fast. "I am sorry. I know it scares you when I do that, and I wish I could just agree and promise it'll never happen again. But I can't."

"Pietro was like that. Except he did actually end up dying, and now I live with that guilt. I think about it every single day. I wish I had the idea first, instead of him."

Joel pulls Josie in for a hug, knowing this is about so much more than what he did this morning. "Don't say that—"

"It's true. I'm not saying I want to die. I won't throw myself at an infected at the first opportunity. But if I could go back to that night, I would change the way things went."

"I know what you mean," Joel reluctantly admits. He and Josie finally step apart, even though he suddenly misses the feeling of her in his arms. "I'm not here hoping to die, but if I could go back to the day Sarah died, it would be her here, not me."

Joel surprises Josie with what he says next, before she can even respond.

"And it's not true, you know. Don't ever say you don't have anyone again. I'm here and I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon. And I've told Tommy about you. Soon as you started working with Tess and I, actually. So if something ever does happen to me, I want you to promise me that you'll keep going and you'll find him."

"Joel I—"

"Baby please. He knows who you are. If I'm gone, you go find Tommy and you tell him your name. He will make sure you stay safe. Promise me."

"You know what promise I need you to make in return."

Joel shakes his head, but Josie doesn't budge. "If something happens to you, I will promise to find Tommy, but can we at least both promise not to sacrifice ourselves for each other, at least until Ellie is wherever Marlene wanted her to go."

It wasn't enough for Josie, but she figured a temporary promise to not try to get himself killed, was better than nothing. And she knew even if Joel agreed to it permanently, it would be a lie.

Sensing his hesitation to agree, Josie reaches up and gently puts a hand on either side of Joel's face. "Please. I can't lose you either."

"Okay," Joel leans down so that their foreheads touch, and despite where they are, it feels intimate, like this is just a private conversation between 2 people who have feelings for each other. "I promise."

Joel knows a lot of things. And he has known that he loves Josie for a long time now. But this is the first time he admits to himself, silently of course, that he's in love with her.

"I didn't mean it before, when I talked about going on my own. I was just scared, that Bill and Frank got it wrong. Even after we find Tommy, I don't want to leave you."

"Don't. Stay with me. I can take care of you, and I'll keep you safe."

It feels like a weight off of Joel's chest. He has wanted to say those words ever since they were at Bill and Frank's, when he realized that even the 2 older gentlemen saw his feelings for Josie.

But then he fucked up and snapped at her, and for the first time, Joel had to sit with the fear that after finding Tommy, Josie might go off on her own. That wasn't a worry at the QZ, because she'd said as much. As hard as life sometimes was, she couldn't imagine leaving and trying to do anything else.

Although it's a relief to finally have those words out in the open, now Joel feels the nerves setting in as he waits for Josie to respond.

"I know I just dumped all of that on you, plus what I said before, but you gotta be honest Joel. If after we find Tommy, you guys want to go off and do your own thing, tell me. I'll probably ask for help getting to the nearest QZ but I don't want you to feel obligated to take care of me or to let me stick around—"

"Hey, I don't feel like that at all, I promise. I meant every word. I will take care of you and keep you safe for as long as you'll have me."

The door to their rooms open, and Henry steps out. "Sorry, Ellie said the suns coming up in less than seven hours and that the old folks better get to sleep. She was gonna come out and tell you herself but I said I'd do it. Figured I'd be a little more... delicate, about it."

Joel says they'll be right in, and as soon as the door closes again, he puts his arms around Josie and pulls her close as they both laugh.

A minute later, they step back into the room. Henry pretends not to notice that the 2 let go of each others hands before sitting down. This time, they're side by side leaning against a wall.

Henry is the first to fall asleep, opting to lay down with his backpack as a pillow.

Josie scoots closer to Joel, leaning on his arm as she finally closes her eyes. After a moment, Joel closes his eyes and leans so that his head rests on Josie's.

While Josie waits for sleep to pull her under, she can't help but smile. They've dealt with more danger and people trying to kill them in the last 24 hours than they have in the past 10 years. Despite all that they've been through, though, she's happy at the thought that just maybe, everything's gonna turn out okay.

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me after writing that josie thinks
everything will turn out alright ~

because we all know what's about to happen. sorry in advance hshdsneifjabdhcisnecisj