Henri's Journal
December 2012

It's now the thirty-first of December and let me just say... This Christmas was somehow crazier than the year we fought those Pagan Gods... Oh, if only their door had knocked thirty seconds earlier then maybe I wouldn't have spent the next six months growing my fingernail back.

Those bastards.

To make matters worse, I had literally just gotten my nails done the week before and it felt like I'd wasted that salon gift card that I stole from some rich lady.

(And Sam, Dean, if by chance you're being nosey and reading this... First of all, stop? Unless I'm dead then carry on. And secondly, no. I will not stop talking about this. Ever. I don't care if it's been years, and two trips to Hell between us, later, get used to it. My nails had never looked better and they went and ripped one out like it was nothing.) 

Anyway, things have been relatively crazy around the firehouse these days. For starters some other rich lady, well used-to-be rich lady as it turns out, she's broke, accused us of stealing her diamond necklace. Her fifty thousand dollar diamond necklace, I might add, when we responded to a call at her house.

Because of that the entire firehouse had to be searched top to bottom by IAD and given what I have in my locker... That wasn't fun. Luckily my brothers were staying with me for Christmas so I got Dean to sneak in when we got a call so he could get rid of anything I had in there that might have gotten me fired, arrested, or both.

(Thank you, Dean, if you're still reading this. I appreciate it and also, this is your last warning to put the book down or I'll put you down. Twin or no twin).

I have no idea if they'd have found the secret compartment in my locker but I couldn't take that chance. It'd be different if all I kept behind it was my money and tampons but I literally had a loaded gun and an angel blade hidden behind it and something tells me that might not have gone over well with IAD. 

The lead investigator already had a stick up his ass, or rather the entire tree. And he had beef with Casey over some old history so the last thing I would have wanted was to get him into any more trouble when his ass was already on the line with the accusation.

Anyhoo, in the end the whole thing turned out to be an insurance scam caused by one hell of a coincidence. Like imagine it, you're in crippling debt and just happened to almost set your kitchen on fire which gives you ample opportunity to accuse firefighters of stealing your diamond necklace so you can cash out on the insurance payout.

People, man... I'll never fully understand them. I say as if I didn't live through a life of credit card scams and pool hustling... But I had a bad upbringing, what's their excuse? Bad investments? Bad money management?

Maybe hop on down to a crossroads and get Crowley to bail you out of your own stupidity instead of blaming us for stealing your silly diamond necklace in order to get a payout. Like seriously, do any of us look like we'd want a diamond necklace? Let alone risk our careers for one? Idiots.

But whatever, I'm getting way off topic. Sorry.

I don't know why I'm apologising to you as it's not like you're gonna talk back to me and complain about me rambling... Or will you? Are you a horcrux? It's possible, but I highly doubt it. Although if there was one person who'd end up accidentally finding a journal that housed a horcrux in it, it would be me.

I never do have much luck... And I knew we shouldn't have smashed all those mirrors when we went after Bloody Mary. I tried to warn my brothers about it but would they listen? No. We ended up smashing like twenty or so mirrors and now look at me...

Riddled with bad luck.

Half dead from sleep deprivation as my nightmares have reared their ugly head again.

One drink away from needing a liver transplant, or rather I would have been had I not been healed by... God knows who.

And he probably does know but would he tell me if I prayed to him? Doubtful. He's probably off exploring space with everyone on mute, which would be a mood if, you know, it wasn't his children that were causing all the mess. Talk about temper tantrums now that daddy is out of the picture. 

Anyway, I still don't know who healed me. Or why. And frankly I don't think I'll ever find out and maybe I'd be okay with that as I'm starting to not want to know who it was.

Part of me still thinks it was Gabriel but at the same time... I don't know. My heart is telling me that it was and that he's still out there but my head is telling me differently.

Or rather it's trying to and I just won't listen. I'm a Winchester after all. We're stubborn. Basically unkillable. And laced with the inability to listen to our heads, hence the backstory that would leave any therapist needing to seek out their own.

In this case my head is trying, emphasis on trying, to tell me that Gabriel is dead. For good. That he's never coming back to me and I want to believe that. I really do. As much as it pains me. As much as it breaks my heart, I want to believe that he's dead for real this time.

But I can't. Or rather... I don't want to. And I don't want to talk about it either, or write about it, and that's all I'm going to say on the matter.

So moving on to another part of this crazy month... I may, or may not depending on how you look at it, have killed someone by purposely leaving them inside a burning building instead of pulling them out. 

And I know, that's not very firefighter, or 'saving people', of me, but hear me out, okay? Don't go using your horcrux powers to call the police on me before I tell you the whole story. Or actually, maybe you should just call them so they can have me 5150'd because tell me why I'm still writing in you like you're sentient? Talk about crazy.

But anyway, back to my, sort of, murder story.

It all started when Cruz came to me about some problems he was having with his brother, Leon, and the gang he was mixed up with. I still don't know why Cruz came to me specifically and not Brian, his best friend/partner in crime, but hey, I'm not complaining. It's nice to know people trust me enough to open up the way he did, especially when they still don't know much about me personally and for all they know I could be a serial killer.

Which in hindsight, I technically am? Or was. I don't know, Crowley changed a lot when he got me this life so I don't know what's what anymore. 

All I know is that when Cruz asked me if I knew anyone who could possibly help him with his situation, as I think he thinks I'm into some shady business, I don't think he meant for me to deal with it myself by leaving Flaco, that's the gang leader, to burn to death inside of a building fire.

It's not like I went in there with the intent of leaving him inside. I didn't even know he was in there in the first place and it wasn't until Cruz came in after me thinking Leon was in there did I realise who it was. That's when I shoved Cruz out of the room. Forced him back down stairs and shut the door behind me, leaving Flaco inside. But not before telling him to say hi to Crowley for me when he got to hell, as if there was ever anyone who was one hundred percent ending up in the basement rather than the penthouse, it was that dirtbag.

Cruz told me all about what Flaco had done as gang leader. How he didn't care who he was shooting at or who might have ended up in the crossfire, which is why I don't feel regret for what I did.

I don't feel even the slightest ounce of regret for leaving him behind to die as people like that don't deserve to be saved. He's probably killed more people than I have so I won't lose any of the minimal amounts of sleep I get over thinking about him.

I just hope Cruz is okay as he seemed to spiral a little afterwards, but I sat him down the other day and I told him that what happened wasn't his fault. That he had nothing to do with it and that if anyone was to blame it was me. He didn't understand how I was so calm about it. How it didn't seem to be affecting me, which like I said before, it wasn't. But I just told him not to worry about it and I think I got through to him.

He seems better now. Less jumpy and less... Out of it, than he seemed the last few shifts so I'm fairly certain that'll be the end of it.

I just hope that Flaco doesn't come back to haunt us as even though his body was technically burned, he still has cause to come back as vengeful given how he died. And I wouldn't have a clue what was tying his spirit to earth so fingers crossed he's downstairs enduring some of Crowley's Grade A torture rather than roaming the veil in search of revenge.

But say he does come back. Say he tethers himself to the firehouse. I have shotguns full of rock salt hidden around the place so I'll be fine. I just hope no one looks on top of the kitchen cabinets any time soon or they're gonna have questions as to why there's a sawn-off hidden amongst the dust.

Anyhoo, I feel like I'm rambling again so sorry about that journal. If you are sentient then I don't want to bore you but I just have a lot to get off my mind lately and with Sam and Dean back on the road there aren't many others around here that I can talk to about any of this.

And I know what you'd say if you could talk, other than telling me to shut up and seek therapy. Why don't I call my brothers and fill them in? Well, long story short... I don't want to. I just spent the past few weeks with them and spouted enough of my thoughts and feelings for one lifetime so I think I'll pass on participating in another episode of Dr Phil, thank you very much.

After that conversation I had with Sam about Gabriel things just seemed to keep pouring out of my mouth anytime I opened it. I talked a lot more about what I went through in Hell, not just with Dean but with Sam too. Even though I didn't want to as I didn't want him feeling guilty or whatever since it was meant to be him that said yes, but I couldn't exactly leave him out when I feel like he deserves to know the real truth as to why I left.

It helped a little, you know, actually talking about it properly for once rather than using humour to hide what I'm really feeling but it still gets to me at times. I still can't sleep, and I don't even try when I'm at work so I'm like the permanent night watch guard now.

But I don't mind it. Brian joins me sometimes and it's nice to lie there with him. Have him play with my hair which I don't even need to ask him to do anymore as it's like he knows it's gonna be the first thing I ask of him once my head hits the pillow he automatically sets on his lap the second he sits down.

It's become almost like a routine now and I don't even care if he falls asleep halfway through the movie I'm not really watching as just having him there with me is all I really want. I don't know what it is but he brings me comfort and not a lot of things seem to do that anymore, which is why I'm more than happy to act as a teddy bear for him when he drifts off.

I haven't told Brian this, and I don't think I'm going to as I kind of don't want it to stop. But when he falls asleep he tends to cuddle me a lot tighter than he would when he's awake. Half the time I have to be the one to pull his arm over me when we're lying there but once his eyes close he pulls me closer to him, nuzzles his cheek over the top of my head and holds me there until I slip out of his arms come morning so as to not embarrass him.

To tell you the truth journal, I'm starting to suspect that he might like me. As in more than a friend like me. It wasn't until what Sam said about the way Brian looked at me did I really start paying attention. I was in denial at first but it wasn't until the aforementioned cuddling started to happen did I really come to believe it.

Like they're his subconscious feelings for me slipping out as he sleeps. Giving him the courage to do things he'd never dream of doing whilst awake as like I said, it's always me who has to pull his arm over me as he tends to rest it over the back of the couch. And I know it may seem like I'm purposely leading him on but I'm not. I swear to you I'm not.

Truth be told... I think I might like him too, as how else can I really explain the depth of the comfort he seems to bring me other than underlying love for him? But the problem is, I'm just not ready for anything more than friendship with Brian right now as the pain of losing Gabriel...

The pain of losing my heart still feels too fresh. Like it only happened a few months ago which for me it kind of did? I mean, it's technically been over two years since I watched Gabriel die right in front of me but I couldn't exactly grieve properly in the cage when Lucifer was using me like his own personal plaything, now could I?

But now that I'm back, it's like I've been dealing with his death all over again and therefore it feels wrong for me to be developing any kind of feelings for Brian when I still love Gabriel.

To me it feels like I'm betraying him. Like I'm moving on too quickly when in reality it's been two years and that's an appropriate time to start dating again. But like I said... To me it still feels like he died just a few months ago and given the fact that I'm still stuck on the idea that Gabriel is out there somehow, it's best I don't say anything to Brian and keep things the way they are.

And sure, I could tell him that, in a way that involves the least amount of truth, but what if I'm wrong? What if he doesn't like me like that and I'm just seeing things that aren't there? Then I end up looking like a fool and could potentially lose the only person who is keeping me grounded right now. So for now I'm keeping my mouth shut.

Maybe down the line I'll open myself up to the possibility of dating again, when I've finally come to terms with the fact that Gabriel is dead and that I shouldn't keep waiting for something that isn't going to happen. But for now I'm sticking to what's best for me and if cuddling Brian on the couch just so happens to be that, then so be it.

It's not doing anybody any harm, I don't think, therefore there's no reason for me to stop just yet. I don't think I'd be able to even if I tried as like I said, he's the only thing keeping me sane right now and if I have to go through those shift nights alone then I might start spiralling in ways that even his sleep induced cuddles won't be able to help.

Hopefully now that I've talked about things with Sam and Dean, it'll start to get better. Although it's been a week since that talk, since they left, and there's been no signs of it "getting better" but it's a slow process so I'm sure I'll start seeing a difference soon.

In the meantime I'll just have to keep focusing on other things like smashing cars; learning to play Settlers of Catan with Brian and Cruz, which I'm not very good at but they're patient with me, and writing in you, journal, as if you haven't noticed this entry is a lot longer than my others as it's currently 3am and I'm in desperate need of distraction before I throw myself off my balcony.

I was even tempted to go for a run but it's still snowy and icy outside so I'd only end up with a broken ankle or something equally as pathetic. So instead, here I am, annoying you with the thoughts in my head and making you wish you'd chosen to become a different object rather than a journal that happened to be picked up by someone as messy as me.

But we can't all get what we want now can we?

Otherwise I'd be off living happily ever after with Gabriel like he promised me and not sitting here, wallowing in my own self pity, drowning in a bottle of scotch and fighting with myself over whether it's wrong of me to be developing feelings for another man.

What a life...

Anyway, I think I've said all I need to say as of right now, which I know what you're thinking, journal, thank God, right?

Wrong.

I'll thank anyone but him as had it not been for him and his fondness of abandoning that which he'd created then maybe I wouldn't be like this. Maybe I'd have gotten to live a normal, apple pie life without being thrown into the world of the supernatural when I was four years old and still afraid of the dark. But hey, fathers, am I right?

I mean, look at mine. He didn't even show up when I got electrocuted that one time, fucked up my heart and was told I had like a month left to live. Nothing says I love you quite like sending your only daughter to voicemail when she calls to ask for help.

If it hadn't been for that so-called faith healer, the one whose wife had a reaper on a leash, then I wouldn't be writing this right now. But I am. And I realise I'm rambling again so apologies journal... Wait, should I give you a name if I plan to keep referring to you like you're sentient or would that make me even more crazy?

Honestly I don't think I can get any crazier at this point but for now I'll stick to calling you journal... It makes me feel better about myself and helps kid me into thinking I won't end up down the rabbit hole. 

But anyway, it's been nice talking to you and thank you for allowing me to carry on for as long as I did without setting yourself on fire. I guess I had a lot more to get off my chest than I realised as it's been a few weeks since I last wrote in you and like I said at the beginning, it's been a crazy month. And I'm praying that come tomorrow, January 1st, that things start to smooth out a little as I could really, really use a somewhat quiet year for once.

So here's hoping 2013 can do that for me otherwise... Who knows where I might end up next.

-
i hope you don't mind that this whole chapter was a journal entry

i'll be honest, i struggled a lot with where to go with this book, if you couldn't tell by the two week gap between chapters, and went back and forth between what i wanted to include and what i didn't

i ended up wanting to do a month time jump but i figured instead of doing a boring summary at the start of the chapter, why not space things out with a fun little journal entry as they allow for a lot more thought from henri and honestly, i love writing them so hopefully you enjoyed reading it!

not sure when i'll be back but here's hoping this chapter gave me the motivation i need to keep going as i won't lie, for a bit there i thought this book might end up abandoned and i'd really hate for that to happen over one lousy spell of 'i can't seem to write anything bc idk where things are going' as there are chapters/plot lines that i'm super excited to write down the line so yeah... hope you enjoyed this :)