I feel like im slowly going insane. I feel evil and darkness in me. I know i'm going to hurt people eventually. Either by disappointment or betrayal. I warn people to stay away but they don't listen because they foolishly want to give me a chance. But i'm not a good person. In my opinion a good person doesn't HAVE NIGHTMARES OF PEOPLE THEY CARE ABOUT OR JUST DON'T KNOW DYING and being unable or late to save them. Everytime i admire or respect someone i have a nightmare where they die and i couldn't save them.

No one believes me though. My sis just says she understands how hard and upsetting it is for me but 'no i could never be evil' Foolish. I am evil. I have suicidal thoughts. I self harm. I'm a monster and no one sees It. I want to die. I don't want to live. I have people to live for but im tired and it's a chore to care. Though i can't stop caring. I cant get used to the pain or the death. My demons/voices in my head know me and the darkness. Only they understand. And my 'therapist' just says to do hobbies or talk to my sis, who i don't want to burden. And to just have hope and think positively. So fucking sorry that im messed up and don't have any damned hope. So fucking sorry that my hobbies don't interest me anymore and ARE POINTLESS. So sorry that i wanted to reach out to a therapist instead of my sis in the first place because you obvi don't want to really listen without telling me a bunch of coping nonsense first.

I wonder sometimes if going to a psych ward would be easier and nicer, but i just want to die. Im too much of a coward to do anything permanent so don't worry. Dw cuz no one does.