My sis had a baby girl on Nov. 3rd 2019 and now Amelia is 2 months old. Having Amelia, for my sis, has changed her in a good way. She's happier and she feels accomplished. She always wanted a baby to love and care for and for her to depend on her mommy and she has that now. I'm so glad for her. 

I'm worried though that my depression will get noticed by Amelia. I just need to hide it better. Not self harm in easy to see places. I don't want to be a bad guy to Amelia. 

When i take care of her or help babysit her it's a new feeling. To have a baby need you to change, feed, burp her. For you to be willing everytime no matter how tired you are. And sometimes when i'm burping her she falls asleep on my shoulder and if she goes into a rem sleep i can lay her along my arm. Its such a precious experience. So now instead of just living for my sis, i'm living for Amelia too. I want to know her when she gets older.

I want to see how much she acts like her mom and dad. How she sounds when she laughs. And just to witness her love that she'll have for my sis and bro in law will be worth it..worth all my painful experiences..

If i got to choose to live with pain or not, i'd say no definitely. But if i was pulled into a place where time didn't exist and God was there or something. And he asked me if i wanted to die right now or keep living with all the pain and getting to see her grow up? I'd stay for them. I mean, i do want to die and for everything to stop. But i'm kinda glad i'm too nervous to do anything permanent because then i can stay and help my sis.

I can be useful and feel valued like i'm a good person. Like i do have a purpose, one that i can enjoy every now and then.

And in January my sis is going to help me get some therapy. Which i'm not against btw if it's with the right person. A person that isn't condescending.