Calum's POV:

Okay Calum, calm down. I try to think about the tips the therapist gave me.

Acknowledge and accept.

Okay, okay. I'm having a panic attack. I'm not in any danger, I was just thinking about things I shouldn't have thought of again. It's all in my head, it's in the past. Nothing dangerous is happening right now.

Wait and watch.

Don't do anything drastic, just observe how the panic attack is affecting you. I look into the mirror and see a sweaty boy who's shaking with tears running down his cheeks and breathing problems. My head is spinning, and I just want this to stop. No, I need this to stop.

Do something to make yourself more comfortable.

She said I should take deep breaths and try talking to myself. She also said I should focus on the present and try relaxing my body, especially the parts that get the tensest. I breathe heavily as I try to relax my shoulders and hands.

"O-okay, let's do this. I-I can handle a panic attack, i-it's nothing. I've d-done it before. I can do it again. The f-faster I get better the faster I can g-get back to Aunt Carol's h-house." I say to myself as I try my best to breathe and relax. My breathing problems and all makes me stutter a whole lot.

"You b-better get your s.hit together Calum, y-you know you can h-handle this. Just. Calm. Down," I mutter and shut my eyes tightly.

Repeat.

She said that I should repeat the steps if I feel another wave of panic, so I do, only sitting down this time. I don't have enough energy to stand up, and no matter how disgusting it is so be sitting on the ground in a public bathroom, I don't really have a choice. It's better than using all of my energy on standing and then ending up unconscious. Once the panic attack hits again, I start sobbing, so it takes me a couple of minutes to start the process over again.

End.

"The panic attack is going to end, the panic attack is going to end," I repeat for a little while because she told me to remember that it'll end and that it's not my job to end it, it's my job to be as comfortable as possible while waiting for it to stop. Please let it stop soon...

After a while, I finally calm down. God I hate panic attacks. I get up and wash my face with cold water. I feel so pathetic when I get panic attacks, it makes me feel so exposed and lost, and I hate it. Why can't I just be a normal teenager who doesn't need to go to a therapist and have panic attacks and have his mother send him away because she can't deal with his s.hit anymore? Why do I have to be like this? It's not fair. I deserve all of this after what happened to Jake, the thing I didn't deserve, though, was actually losing Jake. What did I ever do to deserve that?

My eyes are red and puffy, so I just stand there for a couple of minutes, waiting for them to go back to normal. I take one last look at myself in the mirror before I walk out of the bathroom. Luckily I had locked the door, so no one could walk in on me in my most vulnerable state. When I get out I only see Alaska waiting with my coffee in her hand. She's still sitting by the table, looking out of the window with a small smile on her face.

"The others left, I said I could wait for you and drive you home," she says once she notices me.

"It's not my home," I say quietly without looking at her. The panic attack drained all of my energy, I just want to rest...

"Oh, okay, Carol's home then. Oh, and here's your coffee," she says, dragging the 'and', and gives it to me. I take a sip and realize that it's cold. The only thing worse than warm coffee is cold coffee, it's disgusting as f.uck. I don't like warm coffee either, but I still drink it when I need to stay awake. I quickly throw away the waste of liquid in the nearest trashcan with a small frown.

"So, are you okay? You were in there for a long time," she says quietly.

"Yeah, I'm fine, can we just leave?" I ask, still not looking at her.

"Sure," she says and we walk out. It's still snowing, and everything is covered in white now. Everything that isn't moving, mostly. We get into her car and she starts driving.

"Hey, can I ask for a favor?" she asks me, keeping her eyes on the road.

"Okay?" I say with a small frown on my face again, clearly confused. 

"I just want to be on the safe side, so I was wondering if you could forget everything you saw at the therapist today. That part where I slammed the door and stuff," she says and chuckles lightly at the end.

"Just don't say anything about it to anyone," she adds.

"Why would I? It isn't any of my business, so I don't really have any right to go around telling people about it," I mumble. 

"Thanks," she smiles quietly and glances over at me.

"I just don't want the boys to worry about me when I'm fine," If she's fine, why was she at the therapist?

"I won't tell anybody," I say again and she smiles softly.

"So, do you really dislike snow?" she asks me with a little laugh after a couple of minutes.

"I never said I dislike it, I'm just not that into it," I say and shrug.

"You're so quick to judge it, you've barely even seen it!" she laughs. I've been doing that a lot lately, judging people and things right away. I answer her with another shrug.

"It's pretty, I guess," I mutter quietly. 

"Yeah, it really is," she smiles. I take a couple of seconds to take a good look at her. She's actually very pretty, to be honest. She has cute dimples and plump, cherry red lips, ut that doesn't mean that I like her now or something, no way. I'm just saying that she looks good.

The rest of the drive is silent except the radio playing quietly in the background. What is it with these people and not turning on the radio properly? When we're outside of Aunt Carol's house I get out of the car. I should thank her, shouldn't I?

"Thanks for the ride," I smile weakly while bending down by the car door so she can see me.

"No problem," she chuckles warmly.

"See you around Calum," she adds, and I give her a small nod. I don't have a choice really, considering I'm stuck here for probably a long time, and something tells me I'll see a lot more of her around.

I had to do so much research to find out of how a panic attack works, so please tell me if anything is wrong!

 Boring chapter, again... *sigh* I'm really sorry guys... 

If you for some weird reason enjoyed this, then feel free to vote and comment, bc it makes my day when people actually show that they care about my stories! 

ily guys