Calum's POV:

"How was your trip?" That's Claudia's first question today. I only arrived yesterday and I'm already sitting in a therapist's office. It's just mildly depressing to think about (note sarcasm).

"It was good," I reply with a small nod.

"How did it feel being back?" she asks, clearly ready to write everything down on her notepad once I actually say something of any importance.

"Not as bad as I thought. I had a good time with my mom, and I managed to stay away from the things I knew would be too painful to be around," I say with a small shrug.

"Did anything special happen while you were there?" she questions while she writes something on her notepad. Or doodles something. Who knows. She might be as bored as I am.

"Well, I talked to Jake's parents." She calmly looks up at me as she stops writing or drawing or whatever she was doing.

"How did that go?" she asks. I look down at my lap, wondering whether I should tell her about the plectrum or not. I mean, it won't exactly do any harm, so why not?

I lift myself up enough to access my back pocket and take out the plectrum. I have carried it on me all week, it kind of comforts me knowing that it's in my back pocket at all times. I don't want to risk losing it.

"Good, they said that they don't blame me for what happened and then they gave me Jake's plectrum," I explain quietly, not taking my eyes off it.

"How did it feel hearing them say that?" Her voice holds that therapist tone, the one that always tries to show that they care only because of you and not the money, when you're both well aware that that isn't the case. I don't have anything against Claudia, though. I mean, if she hadn't actually wanted to help people she wouldn't have worked as a psychiatrist.

"I felt... Relieved," I mutter, letting out a small breath in between the sentence. "It lifted some weight off of my shoulders."

"And how about the plectrum? How did it feel receiving it?"

"Really good, it means a whole lot to me. It was Jake's first plectrum until he lost it; I never thought I would see it again. Especially not after everything that happened." I mutter the last part and let out a small sigh before a couple of seconds pass in silence.

"Do you feel ready to talk about the accident?" she asks after a little while, disrupting the peaceful quietness that had settled between us. I know that she knows what happened that night, my mother must have told her, she just wants me to talk about it. What I'm not sure about, however, is whether I'm ready.

I trust Claudia, we've reached that stage by now, but I don't like talking about what happened. I haven't actually talked through the accident since it happened. It's a whole new territory and it frightens me to go there, but at some point I guess I have to...When I don't reply Claudia sighs lightly before she speaks again.

"Alright-"

"He was going to sleep over at my house the night it happened," I say, cutting her off. She immediately stops talking and looks at me, clearly surprised over the fact that I'm actually going to talk about it. "We were bored, and a guy in our class had a party that night, so Jake said we should go. We weren't really the type to go to a lot of parties, but we thought why not go out and have some fun. If only we had known...." I chuckle bitterly, not daring to meet Claudia's gaze.

"None of us had our driver's license at that time, but we knew how to drive, so we took my mom's car. It was nothing big, we had done it a few times before, but it was usually to go to McDonald's, not to go to parties. We thought it would be okay, we agreed to stay away from alcohol so we could drive home again and we'd be back before my mom even noticed, it seemed like foolproof plan." Memories of the event swirls around in my head as I talk about it, and it almost feels like I'm reliving the whole night.

"We're going at it tonight, tonight, there's a party on the rooftop top of the world!" we both sing (or more like yell) along to the radio. Our windows are down, so the wind forcefully hits our skin, but if feels good. It feels like flying. Yeah, right now, we're flying.

"Turn it up!" Jake yells, the excitement evident in his voice. I laugh loudly and turn up the volume even more. The music blasts through the car-speakers, and if the road hadn't been completely dark and abandoned the people on the outside surely would have heard our music loud and clear.

Jake keeps yelling at the top of his lungs along to the music as he sticks his head out of the window. I laugh and join him once again in the singing, and there we are, two fools driving way over the speed limit and singing way out of tune. I look over at Jake to see him with nearlyhalf his body out of the window.

"Get your ass inside idiot!" I laugh loudly and smack his side.

"Don't ruin my vibe, Calum!" he yells back.

"Don't ruin my mom's car, Jake!" I joke and look over at him again.

"Fine, fi-" he begins saying, but cuts himself off. "F.uck, Calum, the road!"

Next thing I know I hear a loud 'bang' as something hits the side of the car and everything turns black for a couple of seconds. When I get my vision back everything is blurry, and my body is aching. I lift my head up from the airbag and turn my head to see Jake's legs. The rest of him I can't see from here. I stumble out of the car and support myself on it until I get to Jake's side. I limp slightly, a sharp pain shooting through my left leg each time I step on it, but right now Jake is my main concern.

He's lying on the hood of the car that crashed into us, his legs still in our own car. He's covered in blood, both his face and his body, and a wave of nausea hits me when I see him. I cover my mouth with my palm to hold back the sobs (and vomit) that want to escape as I look at my half-dead best friend. I look over at the driver in the other car only to see that he has passed out as well.

"Jake?" I say, almost in a whisper as I stand next to him. I can see how hard it is for him to open his eyes and I start sobbing as I take his hand in mine. Blood is running from his nose and mouth, and small bruises have already formed themselves on his face. I pull out my phone once calling the ambulance comes to my mind and dial the number.

"Calum..." Jake says in a hoarse voice as he struggles to keep his eyes open.

"Stay with me Jake," I say, my voice cracking painfully. Once someone picks up on the other line I quickly explain the situation, several sobs breaking up my sentences before they tell me they'll come as quickly as possible. I hang up and just drop the phone, putting my focus on Jake.

"It's okay Jake, just hold on a little bit more, they'll be here in no time," I say, trying to sound as calm as possible but failing miserably. His hand is shaking, and his breath is staggering. Tears are running down his face, blending in with the blood.

"It-it hurts Calum," he whispers. What surprises me is how calm his voice is, as if another car didn't just crash into ours.

"F.uck, I'm so sorry Jake," I cry out. "I f.ucked up so badly, I'm so sorry..."

He uses the little amount of energy he has left and squeezes my hands slightly.

"It's okay, I'm okay. I can barely even feel the pain anymore," he says with a small smile, but the tears are still running down his cheeks. I sob and shake my head vigorously. This can't be happening. This can't be real. It's just a dream, isn't it?

"Please tell me this is a dream Jake..." I nearly beg him, hoping that I'll wake up any minute now.

"I wish I could..." he replies quietly with a sad smile.

"I'm sorry." I sob again, feeling like air can't reach my lungs anymore. Some tears fall into my mouth and they taste like a mixture of metal and salt, indicating that my own face must be bleeding it as well. The pain is all over my body, but the only thing I can think about is the boy lying in front of me, probably suffering way more than me. My heart aches in my chest, it almost feels like it wants to rip itself out, and if that would have meant that Jake would survive, I would have let it.

"Just don't leave me Calum, stay here with me," he says. His voice is evidently weaker yet peaceful, his eyelids are getting heavier, and the only thing I hear for a very long time is myself sobbing while saying I'm sorry over and over again. By the time the ambulance finally arrives, Jake has been quiet for a long time. His eyes are closed, no parts of him are moving, and he almost looks serene where he's lying, as if he finally found some sort of peace.

I don't want to believe that he's dead, he can't be, he's just passed out, and even when they try to tell me that it's too late I shake my head while holding on to Jake's hand and sobbing, because I don't want to believe them. I hope that the magic in all those movie's I've seen as a child is real, and that my tears will somehow bring him back, but they don't, because this isn't a movie. It's the reality, and it hits me mercilessly in the face as I realize that he's gone for good. He's dead, and it's my fault. If I had kept my f.ucking eyes on the road none of this would have happened, but I was to f.ucking stupid to do that. F.uck, f.uck, f.uck, f.uck! 

A loud scream escapes my lips and my sobbing grows louder as I squeeze his cold, life-less hand and shut my eyes. I almost fall to my knees as I bend down a little bit and rest my forehead against the back of his hand, only two words constantly leaving my lips like a broken record, "I'm sorry..." But I know that sorry won't make things okay. Things will never be okay again, and it's all thanks to me. 

A/N: So I hate this chapter with my entire heart, but it has been so long since I updated, so I'm just gonna post this and see if I rewrite it later. I just really hate myself for not managing to make this the way I wanted it to be and just fiuegjazvavue ugh

Anyways, this is a hella long chapter but I couldn't just cut it off midway so let's say that it's long to make up for the long time it has been (; 

Any thoughts? 

Do you think Calum should blame himself?

This didn't come too soon did it? Damn I hope not, I'm constantly scared of this being too rushed idk

ily guys