THE GIF IS SUCH FETUS AAAAAAAAAAAAH

Calum's POV:

When I finally calm down Alaska insists that we walk home together. I don't actually want to walk with her since she just witnessed my breakdown (which is super-mega-ultra-embarrassing by the way), but I don't want to get lost on the way either, so I don't put up a fight.

We walk silently next to each other for what seems like ages. The silence is thick and uncomfortable, and the only thing that runs through my head is how weak and pathetic I am. I just had a breakdown in front of not only Alaska but also all the other people who were standing outside of the building. I hate letting other people see me when I'm in my weakest state, and since I've come here way too many people have seen it.

"Wait, did you feel that?" Alaska suddenly asks as she looks up at the sky.

"No," I mutter and take the opportunity to look at her (for some reason unknown to me).

Her dark brown hair falls in waves down the back of her green parka, her hands are in her pockets, and her brown eyes hold a small spark as she says, "I think it's about to start raining."

As if on cue it starts drizzling only seconds after, and a small, content smile spreads across her face. I sigh and pull on my hood, expecting her to do the same, but she doesn't, and as the rain gradually gets more evident, her smile only grows wider. Fortunately, the rain doesn't get too harsh, it remains soft and mild like a mother's (especially my mother, she seems to think I'm a fragile kitten or something) touch.

"Why are you so happy?" I ask her.

"I love rain," she replies and pushes some of her now wet hair away from her face.

"Why?" I question. I like rain too, but only because it gives me a valid reason to stay inside. Not that I would leave the house if it wasn't raining, but still. 

"When I was younger my grandmother told me about how the sky and the earth love each other, but they don't have arms, so rain is their way of holding one another. Ever since she told me about that, I've loved rain. I guess it's just nice to know that there's at least one love that will last forever in this world," she says, her voice getting quieter by the end. 

"Would you mind if we stayed out for a little while?" she asks and looks up at me.

"Stay outside in the rain?" I ask skeptically.

"You don't have to, but I think I'm going to stay outside a little bit," she laughs quietly and looks down at the ground. I think about it for a second before I sigh internally. What are you doing Calum?

"Sure, I'll stay with you," I mutter. She looks slightly surprised as she glances up at me and smiles.

"Really?" she asks, confirming my thoughts about her being surprised.

"Yeah, I mean, why not?" I chuckle lightly and shrug my shoulders. The brightest smile spreads across her face while she puts her hands in her pockets.

"We can sit on a bench near my house?" she suggests. I nod in response. That way we can easily run inside if it starts pouring down.

She leads the way to an old, brown, and not to mention wet bench, but we sit down nevertheless because we're both already wet anyways. The rain has increased since it started raining first, but I can barely even feel it anymore. It feels as if my body had gone somewhat numb, partly because of the cold, but also partly because I don't care about the rain anymore at this point.

I push my damp hair out of my face and watch her as she does the same. If she had been wearing makeup it would have been smudged all over her face due to the rain by now, but I've noticed that Alaska often goes without makeup. To be honest, I don't think she needs it either. I'm not trying to say that she's oh so perfect without makeup that she doesn't need it, but the natural look suits her a whole lot. Of course she has some flaws, but don't we all?

"I'm going to ask you something, and I want you to stay calm about it, okay?" she says without looking at me. I, however, look over at her with slightly furrowed brows.

"Okay?" I say, motioning for her to go on.

"You mentioned something about your best friend, can you just please tell me at least something, anything really, about him?" she asks quietly, still not looking at me as if she's afraid of what will happen if she does.

My brain becomes a mess within a second as I try to think about what sort of reaction to show. Should I just walk away? Should I tell her something? Should I change the subject? Before I can even register what I'm doing, I've already said, "His name was Jake."

"Do you miss him?"

"Let me explain it to you like this: You have planets, and then you have moons. The moon revolves around the planet. The planet is the thing that keeps the moon going, and without it, the moon is just stuck in the same, dark place. That's how I feel about Jake. He was the planet, I was the moon, and now that he's gone, I'm just completely and utterly lost," I reply, staring blankly into the air while my eyes tear up unwillingly.

"I'm sorry," she says. I quickly blink away the tears.

"Why do you go to therapy?" I ask her.

"It's a long story."

"We have lots of time."

"Alright, where should I begin...? Okay, I grew up most of my life without my father because he left us when I was three, so he has never been a very important person in my life. One day about half a year ago, I was taking a walk in the woods as I always did, and I came across this body.

"At first I thought it was some drunk person who had passed out there, but it didn't take me long to realize that the person was dead. I had seen enough pictures of my father to realize that it was him lying there, and after that everyone seems to think that I have some serious mental problems, but I don't. Why would I? He meant absolutely nothing to me, yet everyone seems to think that I'm mentally unstable now."

"Are you?"

It takes a couple of seconds before she replies with, "I don't know."

When she told about what happened to her, her voice was so calm, so emotionless. She really wanted to be okay with it, but it was obvious that she wasn't. It was her father after all. How could that not have affected her? It must have been a terrible experience. 

"You know, that's the thing about sadness. It eats you up until you're not just sad anymore, the sadness is you. First your life turns into a battleground with you on one side and sadness on the other, and when you lose, you don't just lose the fight, you lose yourself as well. This demon that settles inside of you changes you completely until every trace of the old you is gone and all that's left is an ugly monster, a mere shadow of who you used to be. You don't always feel it, but it's always there. You might not even know that you've lost the fight before long after it's done, but by then it's already too late..." I say quietly.

"The key is to keep fighting. As long as you keep fighting, you can't lose, at least not this battle. It's only when you give up that you've lost, and once you've given up it's hard to find yourself again, the tiny piece of yourself that's left, but it's not impossible.

"I know you've already given up Calum, but you have to start the fight again. Begin with the small things and build yourself up, make an even better version of your old self, do whatever you want to, just don't continue like this..." she replies in a soft, but sad tone, looking at me with pleading eyes. Why she even cares about my sorry excuse of a life is beyond me, yet I can't help but to admire her hope and reluctance to give up. Maybe it's something I can learn from her?

"We're so deep," I say with a small chuckle after a couple of seconds in an attempt to lighten the mood.

"We truly are," she laughs mildly. Her laughter is so gentle, so sweet. I would record it and listen to it every night before I went to sleep, but that would make me seem like the biggest creep in the world, so instead I just sit there and enjoy it while it's there, because things change and one day I may not be able to hear it anymore, and for some reason the thought of it upsets me. 

So while I listen to her laugh and look at the snowy ground I can't help but to think, "this girl has f.ucked me up so much, and right now, I couldn't have cared less."

I'm so nervous about posting this chapter idek ugh

This is just mostly a filler chapter bc I'm kinda out of inspo atm I'm sorry :c

At least you get to know Alaska's story, so what do you think about it? Is it too stupid? Because I'm so unsure about it... I didn't want to have something cliche and overused like abusive, alcoholic father that beat her and then left them and stuff, and I have had so many different ideas, but they all sucked so I ended up with this I guess...

So I tried to be kinda deep in this and the last chapter, but idk if I managed to do it lol, I suck so much

What do you think about Calum slowly warming up towards Alaska?

I finally used the quote that is in the description haha, I've been wanting to use it for so long!

Tell me what you think about the chapter!

ily guys